Today I am feeling old and busted. My back is aching and my joints are like an 80 year old woman. I am pmsy and I am exhausted and I am ready for a vacation that is not embroiled in "the season". I love Christmas, I really do but I always get to this point and just want it to be over. I feel torn between relaxing and squeezing in as MANY people as possible. Christmas should be a week long 7 whole days off. Shopping should be outlawed two weeks before. The week should be spent drinking hot chocolate or red wine and sitting buy a fire talking with friends. Dinning with family. Looking at lights with loved ones. I shouldn't feel like guilty for wishing people Merry Christmas. I shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying the religious aspect of the holiday. I am sorry people it is a fucking religious holiday. Pagan, Christian, Jewish, but religious no matter how you slice it. Get over. You want to have a commercial greed fest you go right ahead but don't shit on me for attempting to keep the spirit in the season. Okay I told you I was feeling pmsy. I am going to take my headache to bed and try and feel better in the morning.

Let ms be perfectly candid. Some days I hate my body. Some days it is because it does not look the way I want it to, or it doesn't look like it did ten years ago. Some days it is because I have aches and pains I think I am too young to have. And more recently it is because it is not doing what I have asked it to do. It is not, at least in part, performing the functions it was made for. I take this medicine which makes me crazy, which makes me cry, which makes me feel like 8 different kinds of ass and it is supposed to make the broken parts work. It didn't. IF I had gone to see Doctor Lee and she had said" sorry your not pregnant, try again next month" I would have taken that, I would have been disappointed but I know it is a numbers game. But to be told that the meds didn't work, that I still didn't ovulate... ARG! I am just so angry. All the things that I took to be symptoms of pregnancy we side effects of the clomid. I was fooled by that poison that is meant to be helping me. ASSHOLE!

Glarp!!

Okay I am a bit of a mess. I am frustrated. I am crazy. All I can think about is "Am I?" I am feeling weird. I am having the craziest reactions to smell. Every where I go there are smells assaulting viciously making me feel terrible. But what if that is all in my head. What if I am just going crazy? What if I just want to be pregnant so badly I am experiencing this weirdness?
It is almost Christmas and I want to enjoy the holidays but right ow I am not enjoying anything. I just want to be happy. I want to be normal. Dammit. Why does this have to be so hard? Yeah I am feeling sorry for myself. I know it. Maybe this mood is pms. I don't know. ARG. I think I am going to go bury myself in bed and Hero's. I hope I feel better soon.