Happy

Somehow I managed to get enough sleep last night that I woke up feeling refreshed (although a little panicked as I was late for an MSN date with Shannon) I made some tea, read some adoption blogs, chatted with some mates online. I woke Gilly and we went out to run some errands, which included buying me a baseball bat for protection when he is out of town on business (okay it is a little lame but it does make me feel better) and eating chili dogs. We got to have coffee at Starbuck's but Gilly came down with a headache and decided he felt too poopy to go to the Maple Syrup festival. Rather then getting all sulky I was FINE. We came home and sent him to bed for a nap (where he still is). I spent the afternoon reading and drinking coffee and feeling... you guessed it... relaxed! It happened all on it's own. How cool is that? We are spending the night geeking and I am very excited about that. I am having a great day. YAY!

the MELT down...

So last night I just lost it. Not normal losing it but HUGE losing it. I had a hard day. I was angry at Gil from pretty much the time we woke up. Poor pooper couldn't catch a break. We were mean and snarky to each other all day. Then in the afternoon when I had a terrible headache (again) he called to tell me that he is going to be out of town on business on the 2nd and 3rd. Normally I live for this stuff. Just for a night or so I love it when I get the whole house to myself, the whole BED, it is fun, it is nice to miss each other. But THIS time it means that he will be missing our first Adoption prep class. This makes me insane. I know it is not his fault and that he would change the dates if he could but I am still pissed at HIM. So on the way home there is more snarking. We get home and it gets worse. I am tired, probably PMSing and unhappy with how this day is turning out. I say something to Gil, he responds with a smartass remark which is framed to just dent my feelings a little but I LOSE it. I silently go up to the room and flop on the bed. Then my brain gets going a million miles an hour. Half and hour later when Gil comes to see how I am doing (because in his mind it is over) and I just erupt into the ugly cry. There are tears and snot everywhere. I am speaking but the words are just coming out in sobs. I tell him that he doesn't love me because he never shares his feelings with me, that I am such a terrible mother I shouldn't even have a cat. That I will NEVER have a baby and probably don't want one anyway. I tell him that no one understands because they don't have to take these terrible pills and feel all crazy and know that it is their fault we can't make a baby and then I just bawled more. I bawled until my face hurt and he just sat there rubbing my back calm as can be. He is so cool under pressure. Anyway in hind sight I could have seen that coming, it has been a big week. I never do well with big weeks. We have started looking at houses and I totally fell in love with one. Gil's ex added him as a friend on fbook and I had a weird PMSy reaction to that when I thought I would be fine with it. We were out of the house ALL week. I swear we did not eat dinner here once this week. It was a VERY stressful week at work and that was starting to wear on me. All this is usually a recipe for disaster.
I was happy tonight, despite me serious hate on for winter at the moment, that it was too nasty to go out tonight so it has been a very quiet night in, just Gil and I (with brief visits from Aimee and Brianna) Gil is happily blowing stuff up and I am reading and had a LONG bath. This is just what the doctor prescribed.

Deep Brain Ache.

Tonight I am feeling like a wet rag. I have be plagued by headache all day and I am not exhausted. I can feel the sensitivity to light, sound and smell coming on and I know there is little I can do about it.
I have been saddled with headaches my whole life. I can't remember a time when they were not a problem but a few months ago I realized that I had been having them EVERY day for weeks and it was time I did something about it. I went to the doctor and she sent me for a CATscan. I don't have a tumor! Yay. I went to the optometrist, turns out I needed glasses rather badly. But they didn't stop the headaches. So I went to a chiropractor. My neck is all messed up and he thinks he can help me and for a while he does. But the past two weeks the constant dull ache is back. I am fed up. Headaches make me cranky, being cranky makes me no fun to be around. I want to be fun dammit!
Gil and I were out for dinner with a friend visiting from Toronto this evening but my head was pounding and I didn't want to be there, I KNOW I was lousy company. That sucks since we only see this guy once a year or so. He did crack me up though telling me a story about his roommates girlfriend from Scarborough who he met on Craig's List (gag) and who is a "dispatcher" for an escort agency. Only in Toronto man.
Well I am going to take my brain ache to bed, because sleep in a good dark room is the only relief I am going to get.

Okay okay pitty party over.

Let me just say this, it may not seem like it but I love my life. I bitch a lot on here about trying to get pregnant and it has been consuming me for a while however it is not everything and I do know that I am blessed in SO many ways. (1) I have an AMAZING husband. I love him more then I can ever describe with language. He might be the most incredible man on the planet and I feel sad so all the other women who don't get to be married to him. Does he drive me nutty? Sometimes. Does he out and out piss me off? From time to time. If he didn't I would be worried about our marriage. People who live together and socialize together and basically spend a lot of time together, they tick each other off from time to time. Having said that 98% of the time we get along great, he is actually my best friend. I don't mean that in a cheesy way. I mean he IS my best friend.
Okay blessing (2) I have the best group a friends anyone could ever ask for. I am not kidding, my friends are stellar. (3) I have a family who loves me and would do anything for me. The best part of this is that other then my two wonderful brothers, I was not born into this family but they love me anyway and I love them right back. (4) I live in a nice house filled with nice things. In a world so full of want I have everything I need. I am safe and warm and well fed. It is too easy to take that for granted but it is huge blessing. I have a good job, I get my Starbucks fix when ever I need it. I am free to practice or not practice what ever religion I choose. I have the right to vote. The world is pretty much my oyster. I am blessed. I just wanted you to know that I know this and that even when I am feeling lousy about trying to get pregnant I _DO_ see the bigger picture.

I wish I could just be pleased...

I haven't wanted to write about trying to get pregnant for a while, it seems like such a bummer but I have to say this. In the past few weeks it seems like EVERYONE is getting pregnant except me. I have had so many people tell me they were expecting or that they know some who is in the club. I smile, I hug, I congratulate, I silently die inside. SO many pregnant women! Teach me the secret hand shake! For the love of god! I am saying that this news is coming to me once or twice a week! I am being SO good. I am taking the folic acid, I am taking the pills that make me insane, I am eating right, not drinking, reading all the books, seeing the doctor more then I see some members of my family. I am trying to not think about, trying to relax. I swear to got the next person who tells me that I need to just relax and not think about it is getting a punch. I don't believe in violence but I can start. I am exercising, I am getting acupuncture, I am walking around with a stone in my belly button. I am visualizing. I am doing it. Dammit I want to stamp my feet and have a temper tantrum.
okay... I just needed to get that off my chest. Have a good day.