Family

Waiting to adopt is a bit like being pregnant but without a due date and with no strange cravings. Also I can’t blame my weight gain on “eating for two”. There is all the excitement, all the anticipation and all the fear. Lot’s of fear. I know I want to be a mother, I know I want to parent with Gil. But I know that our lives are going to change in ways I can’t even being to imagine. We have a pretty great thing going on right now, just the two of us. We live on the go, but when we want to hibernate we can do that too. We see our friend’s lots. We eat out at good restaurants on a regular basis. We have a rhythm that feels good. Now we are going to try and incorporate someone else into our merry band and hope like hell that we can find our way. There are things I KNOW we will have to change or give up all together. I am okay. It also dawned on Gil recently too. However there are aspects of our life I want very much to retain. I don’t want to be one of those parents who never sees her friends again. And I don’t just mean play dates. I mean I want to spend time with my girls.

We are not going to have a new born and in some ways I think that could be a good thing. There are aspects of dealing with a new born that don’t thrill me. Maybe they would if I had a baby, maybe I would learn to love the sleep deprivation, but I doubt it. I am a monster without enough sleep. I know I will be missing out on valuable bonding time. I know that there will obstacles for us to overcome with our child because he or she will have emotional baggage from being in care. Maybe if I am not totally exhausted from sleep deprivation I will be able to help our new child with his or her issues. No small part of me wonders if I am cut out for parenting a new born or infant. The total lack of sleep, the teething, crazy schedule, and fear of SIDS, all of those gives me the willies. These were the things about being a parent that scared the shit out of me and it seems like I won’t have to deal with them. But I won’t lie. There are things that still make me feel so sad when I think about not doing them. Smelling my babies hair after I give her a bath, teaching him to walk, hearing her first words, breast feeding *big ache in my heart for that one*

There at so many positives and negative no matter how we become a family but the truth is inescapable, we want to be a family. We are going to be good parents. And I would MUCH rather work through the complexities of adoption than to continue on the assisted fertility path. I am sure there are people for whom assisted fertility is the right option. I have girl friends that went through with it for much longer then I did. Some of them had babies and some of them didn’t. For me it felt wrong from the beginning. I hated the way the meds made me feel. I hated it. No fooling. I hated the way our life came to revolve around what day of my cycle we were on. I felt overwhelmed and instead of feeling closer to Gil I felt a distance creeping in. Adoption we are going through together, infertility felt like a burden I was carrying all on my own despite the fact that he was with me. I wish I could explain my feelings better. I know I didn’t give the clomid as much time as people typically do. I know that getting pregnant takes time. But it shouldn’t be like work. It should never take the fun out of sex, or out of life for that matter. I don’t want a child that badly. I would rather be alone with Gil until the ends of days then to have a baby but have my marriage suffer as a result. I will love what ever child we have no matter how that child comes to us but my first priority is to my husband, to my marriage. That is the commitment I have already made. Gil is real and he is here he needs me more then a hypothetical child. Maybe that will change when the child is real. Gil is my partner and my best friend. He takes care of me all the time and he does it SO well. We are a wonderful team. I will miss some of the alone time we share when our family expands but I know he is always going to be there right beside me. I can’t wait to see him as a father. He is going to Rock My Socks! We are going to be a lucky family to have each other, all of us. Plus we have this amazing extended family. His parents are amazing and are just going to love any “beach bum” we have. His father is going teach her how to clam and take him out on the boat. His mother is going to paint with her and do crafts with him. I am feeling all smushy now. End of story for the moment.

Work

I don’t talk about my work much for two reasons (1) I know at least one of my co-workers have been known to read my blog from time to time (2) there usually isn’t that much to say. My job is boring. That’s it. It bores me, some days, to tears. I say the same lines of dialogue over and over and over and over. I make the same calls. I crack the same jokes with my co-workers. I listen to the same complaints.

I took this job for a reason. A few reasons actually. First off, well I was unemployed. Let’s face it, I need to work. Left at home on my own I go a little nutty. Second, it is not retail. Amen Amen Amen. I apologize to friends who may still be stuck in retail hell but I GOT OUT!!! After 2+ years at Zeller’s and a year at Frame Plus before that PLUS three summers in the Garden Center I was pretty much ready to commit homicide if I stayed one more second in retail. I was so tired of being treated like garbage, like LESS then garbage. For the last 6 months I was at Zeller’s I said to Gil every day “Don’t be surprised if today is the day I quite.” And every day I meant it. It was bad enough that the general public treated me like less then human because I work in the service industry. I am very good at my job. I excel at customer service. It is my curse; I rock at being a people pleaser. This does not make me a lesser being. But the worse thing was that I wasn’t valued by my employer. Talk about feeling worthless. Maxwell may be the most boring job I have ever done but at least I know that my management team ALWAYS has my back. The very few times a client has gone over my head to speak to my manager he has always stood by my decision. ALWAYS. Today I heard him tell someone “Well you have already had this conversation with Meghan and nothing has changed.” How cool is that. At Zeller’s they would come down on us so hard about the stupidest things, things that were so out of our control. Then when you needed them to support you they would stab you right in the back. Anytime a customer asked to speak to a manager I cringed because I knew it was game over, I knew I would end up looking like I was the incompetent one. I would stand there and tell the customer what I had been “coached” to say by management and then when the belligerent customer asks to speak with my manager they would swoop in and totally undermine me right in front of the customer giving in to what ever crazy demand was being made and pooh poohing me like am some unhelpful wretch rather then a cog in a totally fucked up wheel! Let me tell you folks something, you want to return some and get cash (or good as) in return? Take it to Zeller’s and when the girl at the customer service desk tell you no you just rant and rave and demand to talk to a manager because they will take ANYTHING back, without a receipt. Got dirty underwear you would rather return than launder? How about something that actually has WALMART written on it? How about an open box of tampons with several missing? People I am not making this shit up. These are but a few examples of things that I ACTUALLY saw, with my eyes. The 18 year old manning the counter was smart enough to say no but the manager who is going to make the biggest stink about profit margins being low is going to say “SURE! Just bring me all your garbage!”

I know I am digressing from my original intent but let me tell you another tale about retail hell. Let me tell you about COFFEE MAKER MAN. Friends will no doubt have heard this lurid tale already but I am going to tell it again.

It was Christmas season and the dreaded Midnight Madness was upon us. You may or may not know that I am pretty much a pumpkin; without an excessive amount of stimulants I am pretty much lights out at the stroke of midnight so Midnight Madness is a special kind of hell for me. Worse still while the rest of the mall takes it as an opportunity to have a Tax Free event Zeller’s (HBC) are WAY to cheap to participate in such an event. This always makes customers happy. So there I am at 11:30pm, just trying my best to stay awake and watching the crazies who are out shopping at this hour. A word of advice for some of you people, your toddler DOES NOT CARE about Midnight Madness and it is CRUEL to drag them out of the house at that hour. DO NOT YELL AT THEM FOR CRYING!! THEY ARE FUCKING TIRED!!!!!! Okay that said…. I was walking around looking for people to help when I came upon Mr. & Mrs. Coffee Maker. They were looking at coffee makers. I assumed they were looking for a gift but I was wrong, they were out at 11:30pm shopping for a new coffee maker for themselves, oh well who am I to judge at least they didn’t have a kid with them. I show them the model they seem drawn to and then we get into the haggling portion of the evening. I am thinking of telling him he is in MicMac Mall not a Turkish Bizarre but I know this isn’t going to help the situation. I remain calm, and tell him wearily that there is nothing wrong with the coffee maker, the price is the price. He grumbles a bit but then says “oh well at least we don’t have to pay the tax.” *sigh* Can you see where this is going? I am then left to explain in as nice a way as possible that the company I work for are greedy bastards who don’t believe in Tax Free. So there I am 11:35pm. Bone F’ing tired. Looking at this idiot who probably hasn’t had a coffee today and what does Mr. Coffee Maker do? HE THREW IT AT ME!!! I wish I were kidding. Sadly I am not. He threw a coffee maker at me. I must have given him one hell of a look because Mrs. Coffee Maker grabs her dear hubby by the hand and they book it! I am standing there, standing at the coffee maker laying in the aisle and said “fuck this. I am not paid enough for this. I am done for the night.” I sported a very interesting bruise for the next few days in a place only Gil would see.

And that people is why I hate retail!

My Girls!

No I don’t mean my boobs, despite the fact that I sometimes call them “the girls”. Nope I mean my girls. My support team, posse, my gang.

When I was growing up I almost always had boy best friends. I didn’t like other girls very much. They were either too prissy or too weird. Truth be told I didn’t feel comfortable around other girls, even then I was judging myself by someone else’s yard stick and I always found myself coming up short. With the boys I could be me; dirty nails, stringy hair and all. Then as a teenager I lived with 5-9 other teenage girl at any given time. If you want to learn something about the insanity of the female psyche I recommend trying this sometime. Needless to say I had it up to my eye balls with women and girls and though I had developed a few good girl friends I never felt wrapped in the warm embrace of sisterhood. In my early 20’s I retained a few of those girlfriends from high school and made a few more in university however for the most part other women my age were merely competition in the great sport that is man hunting. However as I have grown up (the late 20’s and entering my 30’s) and settled down I am astonished to find myself surrounded by amazing, smart, funny and beautiful women.

The other night I went to see the Sex & The City movie with one of these women. She is currently going through some very serious marital problems; we thought Sex would be a feel-good-pick-me-up-distraction for her. If you haven’t seen the movie I won’t spoil it for you but let’s face facts, it wouldn’t be Sex if there were not some relationship pitfalls to overcome. Our “feel good” movie turned into an intimate event for the two of us as we both watch as scenes from her ailing marriage played out on the screen before us. It was shocking. While she was left with her head reeling a little, I left with was a sense that my friend and I had delved even deeper into an already splendid friendship. For the duration of the movie there was only the two of us in that theatre, crying, laughing, making sure that the fiction was not too much for either of us to bear.

The movie celebrates that certain something about girlfriends that is so magnificent and crucial. There aren’t a lot of models of this out there. Women are taught to view each other critically and often with deep mistrust. I know I have been guilty of this myself. There are certain women who I don’t like because they have given me a reason to dislike them and then there are woman who I loath and I can’t tell you why. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I feel protective of my friends around them, of my male friends, or my brother (who no girl is good enough to date, of course) and of my husband (one woman in particular gets my dander going when she is around Gil and I thought that I wasn’t a jealous girl!)

I am trying to get past this as it is essentially misogynistic and I believe I am getting better.

However when I look at my really close girlfriends none of the make me feel on edge or over protective of my husband and some of them I would REALLY like to introduce to my guy friends. They are a fairly diverse group of women. They come in a range of shapes, colours and ages. They aren’t women who always agree with me no matter what I say. We don’t all share a taste in music or movies. Some are married, some have children, some have high paying jobs and some are just scraping by. What they have in common is Strength of Character. Kindness. Generosity. Inner Beauty. Respect. Compassion. Humour. Honour. Courage. They are women who give of themselves because they genuinely care about their friends and family. They are women who will sit in the doctor’s office with you even though you are a pukey mess. They are women who will let you come to their house at the crack of dawn to have a shower because your own is not working. They are women who know that getting a cold face cloth is the best way to help a crying friend. They are women who will volunteer their homes for showers or wedding receptions without a second thought. They are women who will roll up their sleeves and get dirty to give you a hand. They are women who will make you smile even when you didn’t think you had a smile left.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by these women.

Well the weather is sensational, it was like 25 degrees and sunny most of the day. I love the summer. I hate being hot and sweaty and fat, but it is still better then winter.
We Richard's had a very interesting weekend! We (me, Gil and Tikka) had to spend the weekend in a hotel. Between the bathroom construction which apparently could not wait the 6 weeks until we move, and the car problems, 4pm on friday the idler pulley goes on the car, fucking GREAT, we were a mess. So at 5pm when we are supposed to be on road to the Koivu cottage for a romantic weekend for just the two of us, we were in fact sitting in the parking lot at Gil's work with a VERY overheated car, waiting for a tow and trying to find a garage that fix it quick and then a hotel room that will take a cat since the guys are already at our place starting the demolition of the bathroom. By the time we got there the cat was a MESS.
Anyway we managed to get in at the Holiday Inn and Aimee drove us all over the place, god bless her because she is an amazing friend. It took 24 hours and $300 but the car is fixed. The only thing that isn't better is the house. They are no where NEAR finished so we had to go get a shower at Sara's place yesterday and then this morning before work. I had to get up ungodly early to get our stuff together to go to have a shower. I am not doing that again tomorrow. I will just sponge bath. I truly hate early. God willing they will finish up in the next day or so.
Anyway for the most part I have had a pretty good sense of humour about the whole thing. At least Gil wasn't shipped off to Nigeria like some of his other co-workers!! And the weekend did have some highlights, I got to spend lots of time with Aimee. I watched Horton Hears a Who which made me laugh so hard stuff almost came out my nose. The beds at the Holiday Inn were really comfy and the food was shockingly good. The cat was uber well behaved. We got to spend some time with the Orlando's, and I got myself a new HOT PINK RAZR phone. too freaking cool. So the weekend was by no stretch a write off.
On the other hand the bulk of my work day today sucked. I was WaY tired from being up so ungodly early. At lunch time I was having a liter of water and about halfway through I looked in and there was a fucking SPIDER smirking at me. I was SOOOO disgusted. I am not usually all girly about bugs but I can't deal with them in my bed or near my mouth or nose. I think almost swallowing one counts as fucking icky!!! So that kinda ruined lunch, I was pretty much a big icky mess for the rest of the afternoon. Then I had the client from hell who was SOOOOO rude to me for performing my job correctly. I hate that. I am damn good at my job. As far as customer service goes I am a 5 star general. So I hate it when people treat me like dirt. Especially when they know they are in the wrong. The people I am dealing with are primarily in the service industry, they should know better, they should extend professional courtesy. when I am out and I am a consumer I am super nice to people because I KNOW what is like. I expect the same. Especially when they KNOW I am just doing my job.
Anyway I rant... It is late and this loony is getting pretty sleepy. Have a great tomorrow!

One week closer....

Well we just finished our 7th pre-adoption class. This brings us one week closer to bringing a child into our home. I am excited and scared and all of the above. Gil of course remains... difficult to read. There is SO much going on at the moment. Aimee's wedding, getting ready to move, I am really starting feel like life is coming together. It is exciting. This is what I have always wanted.