Sunday, August 21, 2011

The Silence Project - Round 3

I got off track for a little while with this project. It was hard with so much going on but I really wanted to get back on track. So when Sunday plans fell through I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to take the next step. 12 hours! SO I woke up at 7am in silence. I didn't log on to the computer, I didn't check my cell or send a text. I just started cleaning, planning, reading, hanging with the dogs, cleaning and before I knew it the 12 hours had passed. It was actually much easier that the 5 hours. I worked my ass off all day. I got so much done and I actually really enjoyed myself. I made a few great meals and got to hang clothes on the line. There were a couple of times I really wanted to update my facebook or find some info online, but I pushed past it. I felt really calm all day. At 2pm I accidentally said a word and at 5:30pm I made an exclamation/cuss when I burnt my hand. I feel really pleased with my overall accomplishment and I am really looking forward to the next round. I won't be able to finish by Labour day, life had set me too far off track but I will certainly do it before the end of the year.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

The break up


WAAAAAY back in 2005 I made mention on my blog a ‘friend’ who I was having a problem with, what said was this…
“I have this one friend who always seems to need SO much and it is exhausting, it makes me reluctant to put myself out there. She makes me doubt the intentions of other people and I hate that. Anyway sometimes you have to cut people out.”

That was 6 years ago and I never did anything about it. The same ‘friend’ continued to make demands of me, of my time and of my energy.  I would be a liar to say that there were NO good times in there however in all honesty it was a draining, stressful and ultimately one sided relationship.
There had been time in the past 23 years that we had fought; times I couldn’t take it any longer and snapped and then we would have it out, we would say things to each other to be hurtful, sometimes we have not talked for weeks at a time but in the end one of us has always relented.  Other times we would get busy and more time would pass between calls and I would pray that maybe we were entering that phase where you just drift apart and we could end things with a whimper rather than a bang.
She continued to view and her best, and really only, friend but on my end the relationship continued to grow worse. I began to resent the constant demands, the manipulations, both subtle and overt; I began to loath the whinging and whining about how her life was such crap and how that was the fault of every one but her.
I found my self increasingly screening my calls, being evasive about plans and periodically out right lying to avoid spending time with her. But my guilt button is easy to push so I just kept going back, believing that I was obligated to be in this relationship because … we had history.
On August 1st I hit the end of my proverbial rope. I knew without a doubt that I was done. There would be no fight; there would be no whimper and no bang. There would be only stony silence. It is funny how in the end it really does only take one straw to break the camels back. One snippy, petulant text message and I was finished.  Literally I felt something shift inside of me.  I didn’t have the energy to dodge any more phone calls. I don’t like the way I feel when I am dishonest, it robs something from me. I don’t like the way this relationship makes me feel and done with letting guilt and Newton’s first law keep me from breaking free. 
So I'm done. I broke up with a person who wasn't a romantic partner. It has been very weird and I have moments where I feel like a bad person but I am going to get over that and in the end I am going to be thankful that I did this thing for myself.
Thanks for listening.