The Silence Project - Round 3

I got off track for a little while with this project. It was hard with so much going on but I really wanted to get back on track. So when Sunday plans fell through I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to take the next step. 12 hours! SO I woke up at 7am in silence. I didn't log on to the computer, I didn't check my cell or send a text. I just started cleaning, planning, reading, hanging with the dogs, cleaning and before I knew it the 12 hours had passed. It was actually much easier that the 5 hours. I worked my ass off all day. I got so much done and I actually really enjoyed myself. I made a few great meals and got to hang clothes on the line. There were a couple of times I really wanted to update my facebook or find some info online, but I pushed past it. I felt really calm all day. At 2pm I accidentally said a word and at 5:30pm I made an exclamation/cuss when I burnt my hand. I feel really pleased with my overall accomplishment and I am really looking forward to the next round. I won't be able to finish by Labour day, life had set me too far off track but I will certainly do it before the end of the year.

The break up

WAAAAAY back in 2005 I made mention on my blog a ‘friend’ who I was having a problem with, what said was this…

“I have this one friend who always seems to need SO much and it is exhausting, it makes me reluctant to put myself out there. She makes me doubt the intentions of other people and I hate that. Anyway sometimes you have to cut people out.”

That was 6 years ago and I never did anything about it. The same ‘friend’ continued to make demands of me, of my time and of my energy.  I would be a liar to say that there were NO good times in there however in all honesty it was a draining, stressful and ultimately one sided relationship.

There had been time in the past 23 years that we had fought; times I couldn’t take it any longer and snapped and then we would have it out, we would say things to each other to be hurtful, sometimes we have not talked for weeks at a time but in the end one of us has always relented.  Other times we would get busy and more time would pass between calls and I would pray that maybe we were entering that phase where you just drift apart and we could end things with a whimper rather than a bang.

She continued to view and her best, and really only, friend but on my end the relationship continued to grow worse. I began to resent the constant demands, the manipulations, both subtle and overt; I began to loath the whinging and whining about how her life was such crap and how that was the fault of every one but her.

I found my self increasingly screening my calls, being evasive about plans and periodically out right lying to avoid spending time with her. But my guilt button is easy to push so I just kept going back, believing that I was obligated to be in this relationship because … we had history.

On August 1^st I hit the end of my proverbial rope. I knew without a doubt that I was done. There would be no fight; there would be no whimper and no bang. There would be only stony silence. It is funny how in the end it really does only take one straw to break the camels back. One snippy, petulant text message and I was finished.  Literally I felt something shift inside of me.  I didn’t have the energy to dodge any more phone calls. I don’t like the way I feel when I am dishonest, it robs something from me. I don’t like the way this relationship makes me feel and done with letting guilt and Newton’s first law keep me from breaking free. 

So I'm done. I broke up with a person who wasn't a romantic partner. It has been very weird and I have moments where I feel like a bad person but I am going to get over that and in the end I am going to be thankful that I did this thing for myself.

Thanks for listening.

WOOO!

I don't know how it happened but somehow I went from thinking about buying a car to owning a car! Yeah, that's right bitches I own a CAR!!! Today I signed all the paper work and drove away with my own car.
I really don't know what happened in the middle. I was asked a few questions, I corrected people on the correct spelling of my name about 42 times. And then I owned a car. It's outside right now. It's blue and pretty and .... well it's mine!
MINE!!!
okay. I have to go and stroke my baby a little more.  Pictures soon!

Grown Up

Today I feel like a grown up. I went to the bank and talked like a grown up. I told the man I wanted to do a very grown up thing... and he basically said yes. So I am buying a car! Can you believe that? I mean it, I am going to be a home owner, a wife and a car owner. SHIT! That is so friggin' wild. When did my life become so middle class and weird and awesome?  I have spent to whole evening shaking my head in wonder and looking at used cars.  Life is so weird.

blarg.

I am not sure what is the matter with me tonight but I am in a mood, the cranky kind not the "lalala flowers!" kind. I don't have a reason to be in a bad mood. Nothing bad happened today. No mean customers. No fights with my husband. No bad driving experiences. Just a plain ol' crappy mood. It happens.
Today I did something I have never done before. I took myself out for lunch... in the car. That was pretty damn cool. I really wanted out of the office for a little while so I just got in the car and went. I still feel like I am doing something naughty, like I am taking the car without permission but I am sure that will pass with time.
After having had the dogs in the Subaru a few times I am more determined than ever to buy a "dog car" for me and so I have made an appointment for myself at the bank later in the week. I am going to find out what I need to do in order to get a loan. I am nervous, I haven't ever done anything like this before. I feel like I am coming of age all over again. If only I had known 15 years ago what I know now.

The first day of the rest of my life.

So yesterday was the last day of our thirty day Totally Supportive and Slightly Belligerent writing challenge and I am ready to call it a success, counting yesterday I missed three days however they were three days were I was enjoying life too much to sit down and commit to writing. Enjoyment of life is more important than anything, including writing challenges. The other thing about yesterday is that I successfully completed my road test. I was so over the moon with joy but oddly enough was not doing much driving because I was just too excited to concentrate. But today, today was a different story. Today was the first day of my life as a driver. I drove with a dog in the car, I took Gil with me for our first trip out just to make sure that I could handle it. Oliver got his IV catheter out AND he had a good bathroom experience AND he ate from a bowl!!! I had to hold it but he ate from a bowl. Big day for our boy! When he was all settled and Gil had the situation in hand (they were all settling in for an afternoon nap) so I took my opportunity, grabbed my camera and the car keys and took myself on my first solo car ride. I had my iPod with my tunes, I had my A/C cranked and  I just drove. It was awesome. There was at least one part where I became a little nervous but I think that I handled myself well. I am not just tooting my own horn. I don't think that passing my road test had made me a magically great driver, I am not deluded; I have a long way to go before I become a good driver. However I was able to keep myself calm and do what I needed to do to feel safe. My camera and I stopped along the coast in Cowbay to take some pictures and to just take in the event. I felt like a million by the times I got home. I can't wait to get out and do it again. I have a feeling this car and I will be best friends before long. I know that it might get boring eventually but for now, for now it is amazing and freeing and just incredible. I know that I had to do it when the time was right, I know if I did it before I was ready I would have failed but now, 24 hours later, I wonder how I never did this before. People said this would happen and it is true. My list of things I want to do by myself is growing by leaps and bounds. Sometime this weekend I am taking Lulu and we are going to the beach, just the two of us, girls day out.

My first solo car adventure!

Day 29 - stress

I never in my life imagined that I would have a child with an eating disorder. Nor that said child would be the four legged variety. Most people think of dogs as mindless eating machines. I certainly did and to be fair one of mine is. But the other, my big baby boy is suffering. His anxiety is getting the better of him. When we got him he was almost dead on 80 lbs. today he weighed in at a mere 65 lbs. He is breaking my heart but we will continue to do WHATEVER we have to do to get and keep him well.