Today I am feeling old and busted. My back is aching and my joints are like an 80 year old woman. I am pmsy and I am exhausted and I am ready for a vacation that is not embroiled in "the season". I love Christmas, I really do but I always get to this point and just want it to be over. I feel torn between relaxing and squeezing in as MANY people as possible. Christmas should be a week long 7 whole days off. Shopping should be outlawed two weeks before. The week should be spent drinking hot chocolate or red wine and sitting buy a fire talking with friends. Dinning with family. Looking at lights with loved ones. I shouldn't feel like guilty for wishing people Merry Christmas. I shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying the religious aspect of the holiday. I am sorry people it is a fucking religious holiday. Pagan, Christian, Jewish, but religious no matter how you slice it. Get over. You want to have a commercial greed fest you go right ahead but don't shit on me for attempting to keep the spirit in the season. Okay I told you I was feeling pmsy. I am going to take my headache to bed and try and feel better in the morning.

Let ms be perfectly candid. Some days I hate my body. Some days it is because it does not look the way I want it to, or it doesn't look like it did ten years ago. Some days it is because I have aches and pains I think I am too young to have. And more recently it is because it is not doing what I have asked it to do. It is not, at least in part, performing the functions it was made for. I take this medicine which makes me crazy, which makes me cry, which makes me feel like 8 different kinds of ass and it is supposed to make the broken parts work. It didn't. IF I had gone to see Doctor Lee and she had said" sorry your not pregnant, try again next month" I would have taken that, I would have been disappointed but I know it is a numbers game. But to be told that the meds didn't work, that I still didn't ovulate... ARG! I am just so angry. All the things that I took to be symptoms of pregnancy we side effects of the clomid. I was fooled by that poison that is meant to be helping me. ASSHOLE!

Glarp!!

Okay I am a bit of a mess. I am frustrated. I am crazy. All I can think about is "Am I?" I am feeling weird. I am having the craziest reactions to smell. Every where I go there are smells assaulting viciously making me feel terrible. But what if that is all in my head. What if I am just going crazy? What if I just want to be pregnant so badly I am experiencing this weirdness?
It is almost Christmas and I want to enjoy the holidays but right ow I am not enjoying anything. I just want to be happy. I want to be normal. Dammit. Why does this have to be so hard? Yeah I am feeling sorry for myself. I know it. Maybe this mood is pms. I don't know. ARG. I think I am going to go bury myself in bed and Hero's. I hope I feel better soon.

How it is in MeggyTown

So I finished my first course of Clomid. It went like this... The first few days everything was fine. A few hot flashes but nothing that was too hard to deal with. I finished the course and I thought "wow, that wasn't half bad." Then next day I hit the wall. HARD. I think I cried for 24 straight hours. I felt like hell on wheels. I thought is was possible that I might kill myself or someone else. But it passed. And here I am. Happy, in love and god willing ovulating my little heart out. Feel free to send good thoughts or keep me in your prayers. I can use all the help I can get.
Gil by the way was a wonder. He was patient and kind. I am the luckiest wife alive.
Tonight we are staying in, we are hold up in our bedroom eating KD and watching Season Four of the West Wing. My life is pretty kick ass!

What kind of day it's been.

Well I am having a hard week. I am so sick I don't even know which way is up. I can't talk, I have a virus in my vocal cords of all places. For crying out loud I talk on the phone for a living!!!!
I am exhausted. I feel like pooh. I don't like anything.
To add to my stress I am having the worst cycle ever and and AND tomorrow I start the Clomid. I don't mind telling you how scared I am right now. I am excited but scared. This is the big deal. This is the next step for real. No messing about. We are being serious about this baby making. I am so worried we will finally get pregnant, have a baby and then it will turn out that I am a rotten parent!

Life in the fast lane!

Well here we go. Starting the Clomid in the next few days and I don't mind telling you I am scared and excited and nervous and and and.... so many things.
Gil and I are talking a lot, communication is the key issue here, I don't want trying to get pregnant to be a strain on our relationship. By all accounts the emotional side affects of this drug can be horrific. I want this so badly but I don't look forward to hormone hell. I guess it will be better when I know what to expect, right now I am all just jumbled up. I am scared. I am scared about lots of things. I am scared about the meds, I am scared I won't get pregnant, I am scared that I will and then I will turn out to be a terrible mother... etc....
anyway I guess I am a bit of a basket case. blah blah rant.

More life life life!

Well I am feeling very positive today. aside from the small matter that the Metformin makes me rather ill. I mean ILL!! Yesterday at work I was actually HUGGING my waste bin. Today when I took it I refrained from having my morning cup of coffee and I felt notably better. I guess I am giving up coffee for a while . :(
However I have an appointment on November 1st with another specialist, which I thought was going to take a LOT longer. I would like to to make this move as quickly as possible. I am not get any younger and I don't want to start a family at 35 or 40. I know that for sure. Of course I say that now... ask me again if I have not had a baby in 2 years.
In other news .... Karate Kicks ASS!! I am loving it. I feel like I am really doing something with my body. It is like exercise only way more fun. At the end of the night a was hot and sweaty and I DANCED out to the parking lot I was so jazzed. I had SO much energy! The reason I chose karate is because Shannon told me how much she enjoyed in and I thought "hey I'll give that a shot!" but I didn't know that I would enjoy it this much. I thought that doing it with Gil would be an US thing but really we are in the same class but we don't interact at all. In that hour it is me and the sensei there. Of course Gil being there gives me some one to rave, to compare notes with, to practice in the living room with. But if here were not there I think it would still be as enjoyable. My only wish is that I had come to it sooner. IT RAWKS!

Starting down the rabbit hole...

I remember clearly the day, I was sitting in Mr.Snare's Modern World Problems class and we were discussing infertility and he gave us a stat of 1 in 7 people. 1 in 7 have difficulty getting or staying pregnant and when I heard those words I thought "I am the 1." It wasn't a dramatic thought, it wasn't feeling pessimistic, it was just... I knew. And today I had my confirmation. I felt so calm when Dr.Lisa said the words, no progesterone, no ovulation, no ovulation no baby. I felt like she was telling me my name, something I just new. I was together and fine, what do we do next, where do we go. But once I got back to work it started to sink in. There are lots of choices to make, together and for myself on my own. How much is too much? What am I willing to put myself through emotionally and physically? What am I willing to put Gil and my marriage through? The first step is to take the Metformin to try and get the PCOS under control, while I wait to get into the fertility doctor. Then I go for a hysterosalpingogram. It sounds really scary but it is just a dye test. Then the next step is Clomid. I don't really want to think about after that. I have to go process. I'll be in the tub.

Back in action

well a lot of things have happened in the last 5 months. First of all Facebook replaced my blog in a way but it is not as good for just talking about what is going on in your mind, it is not really a journal. Don't get me wrong, I love facebook, I love seeing peoples pictures and catching up on what people have been doing in the years since have seen them last, but I don't feel like I can just rant in a note without annoying everyone on my list. anyway ... now I AM ranting.
It has been a busy, stressful few months. The summer flew by at break neck speeds and I feel like I did not get to enjoy it at all. I worked my ass off the whole summer, trying so hard to make my presence really felt and appreciated in our office and I think that it worked. In the very least I got a tidy little raise that has made me feel more appreciated. But I am burnt out and I need a break, it is still 3 more weeks until our vacation and I am not sure how I am going to make it!
Thank goodness we have the long weekend coming up and we are going away to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. We are going here!
I have wanted to go there since pretty much the time we started dating, we drive by the sign and the road every time we go visit Gil's parents in NB and Gil thought it would be a great idea for our first anniversary. I can't believe it has been a whole year. It seems so surreal. This time last year I was so stressed out. I confess that I did not enjoy the process of planing a wedding . It was hard. It was very emotional and I am not the kind of personality who deals with stress very well. I am a spazz. But I really enjoyed the actual wedding and I really enjoy being Gil's wife. We are a good fit. We work well together. We are good friends. We are not perfect. There is not perfect marriage, that is a fairy tale. We make choices everyday, sometimes we make bad ones but most days they are good.
well I am done for now. I just wanted to get back in the habit of writing again.

Still here

I have been out of the loop for a while, a little cought up in the maddess over at face book but I am still here. Things have been very rough since Ozzy passed away but today I am feeling better, I think I have turned a corner a little. The sunshine helps.

I am off for a walk with Aimee but I will be back!

coming down with THE cold

Well I feel like pooh, everyone around me has had a cold and now I am feeling achy and coughy and I want to curl up in my bed and sleep for a month. Well I am already in bed and I am half way through a mug of NeoCitran. I am going to sleep very soon.
Gil is currently out with Frank. They are gone drinking and then off to Ralph's to see the strippers. I think it is a scream, I don't mind at all since I know that nothing will happen, I trust him and he will have so much fun out with Frank.
we had family dinner tonight at mom and dad's and EVERYONE was there (except Gil) including Lori and Michelle, that was weird. Lori is getting married and I didn't feel anything about it. She announced it and I just thought "So What?" I know that sounds cold, but Lori is not real family to me. She is some girl who is related to dad and Tiffany and Michael. Oddly I don't feel like that about Michelle. I like Michelle. Lori, she rubs me the wrong way. I have never been able to forgive her for not being there for Dad after the heart attack. The rest of us sat in that room not sure if he was going to live or die, scared for his life, scared for ourselves. We were solidified as a family unit. Phil was ready to jump on a plane and come home but Lori could not, nay WOULD not come the 5 city blocks to be a part of us, our family, our lives. She is not my family.
bed, sleep, rest. yeah.

Top Ten!

Recently a friend of ours was having an MP3 party I did not end up going because we were out of town but part of the premise was you had to chose the 10 most meaningful, important, favorite songs from our lives. Which got me to thinking, what are the songs of my life that are truly meaningful? That make me cry, that make me ache or give me joy just to hear them. I tossed and turned, even though I would not be in attendance, how could I narrow the sound track of my life down to 10 songs??? In the end I am not sure if I made the right decision. I think that the list would likely change day to day in small ways, but it is as close as I can get.
In NO specific order
1.My One and Only Love - Sting
2.The Queen and the Soldier - Suzanna Vega
3.From Hank to Hendrix - Neil Young
4.Sam Stone - John Prine
5.Good Life - Francis Dunnery
6.Lost Together- Blue Rodeo
7.Insensitive - Jann Arden
8.All I Want is You - U2
9.Sir Psycho Sexy - Red Hot Chili Peppers
10. Life Without You - Stevie Ray Vaughn

Okay I am second guessing myself, there are so many more but I have to draw the line somewhere. So there you go... now I am working on a book list. stay tuned.

The Negative Test

One stupid pink line and my bubble is popped. One line taunting me. One line saying "thank you, come again!". I hate that stupid pink line. I was so sure this time. I know, I know we have not been trying very long. I know that I will get over and just keep trying, I know I will enjoy this process with my lovely husband ( who I would like to point out was kind enough not to say I told you so, even though he did tel me so)

I wish I had waited a few more days to take the test. I wish that I were not so green with envy that two people I know gave birth to sweet little girls this week. Don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY happy for Shannon and Damon and their little Hannah Rose, and Mike and Stephie and their Cassandra, but I wish it weren't mingled with my own disappointment. Well I can tell you one thing, I am drinking a beer tonight, guilt free. Why is it that as soon as the test is said and done I can feel the discomfort on my impending . ? It's like my own body is being nasty with me.
Anyway, I have to get ready for work and wake up my husband who adores me against all better judgment.
I'll come back later and talk to you about our awesome vacation and news therein when I am feeling more awesome. Soon, I will, I know.

I hate Monday Morning

So I have decided that Monday morning is the worst morning of them all. I hate mornings. But today I made an extra effort to get up early so I could get a shower and eat some breakfast without being rushed. After all breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well imagine my outrage when I woke up, had a shower and plodded downstairs to find there is NO BREAKFAST FOOD IN OUR HOUSE. No cereal, no eggs nothing! Some toast, I did not need to wake up almost an hour early for toast!!! So now I am sitting here, dripping wet, cold, hungry and still bothered by whatever stupid dream I was having before I woke, in a filthy house, with an annoying cat, in the dark because it is so blasted early while my husband peacefully sleeps in our nice warm bed. Yes today sucks.

things change things stay the same. I am feeling weird today. I want to say something to a friend that makes me feel uncomfortable. I really like and respect this person. I am frustrated. I feel like I can't be honest because it will make me unpopular. This is so stupid, I hate it. I could not sleep this morning because I was worried about this. It is insane. FUCK!

Saturday morning update

Ahhh the weekend. This past week at work was my first full one since before Christmas which made it feel so very long. I wish the weekend didn't always end up being so short. I think we should have 4 day work weeks and three day weekends. As a whole we put much too much emphasis on work. We live to work and work to live. There is not enough time in our lives for rest, for relaxation, for social and spiritual development. My whole weekend is STUFFED full of trying to get everything else done. And those other things are REALLY important. I need that social and spiritual sustenance, and I need to not get burnt out trying to get that. I need to not wake up on Monday morning and feel exhausted and wonder where the hell my precious weekend hours went.

I am watching CNN at the moment and a young boy (15) who has been missing for 4 years has been reunited with his family. I am bawling my face off listening to these parents talk about having this miracle happen to them.

Okay time to get things going. More later.

Lunch Time Quickie

Gil didn't have to go to PEI today YAY!! He was there so much in 2006 that he got a Christmas card from the hotel staff. That is TOO MUCH!!

Today marks my first full week of work since before the holidays and I don't mind saying it is already going too slow. It is very cold and damp today and I am freezing at my desk.

I got email from Kevin (from London) today wishing me a happy belated birthday, that was very nice of him. I sometimes feel like I was JUST in London but we have been split up for more then a decade. It is sweet that he still remembers when my birthday is. I think that we will always be friends and keep in touch, he was the fist man to ask me to marry him, I have a tattoo tribute to him on my back, we can never forget that.

I have to get back to work. Hope everyone is have a good Monday.

Sunday Morning

Sitting here in the living room watching CBC Sunday report, it is such a very strange world we live in. I am trying to get my shit together so I can take down the outside lights and put away the last of the Christmas decorations. I have a screaming headache so it is slowing me down. I have had a headache for so long now that the periods of time without headache are more noticeable. I should really see a doctor about that.
I got an amazing hair cut yesterday, it was a birthday gift from Gil. I went to see Dave's Dave and he did an amazing job. We went out to dinner last night at Fran's with 10 of our close friends and it was so much fun. I love when I have a bunch of friends around me, it is such a comforting feeling.
Today Mike, Gil and I are doing a used book store crawl. I think my mother would have really enjoyed a day like this, when I was little we spent a lot of time in bookstores together, I don't remember clearly but I think she must have been a big reader. I know that in our house books are a huge deal. Gil and I both LOVE to read. We have more books then most sane people. There will come a day when we will need a room just for our books. Anyway I just look forward to spending time with Mike. He is always such a good time, he makes my brain grow a little more every time I hang out with him. Plus he can talk with Gil at a level that I just can't which is nice for him.
Well my headache is starting to pass, I should by stock in Advil. I should get those lights down and try and get my house in order.
Have a nice day.

Thoughts

Tomorrow I will be 32 yeas old. I have a god job, a nice roof over my head and a great husband. I have no idea how I go here. Ten years ago I was stuck in a world of self pity. I was hurting all the time. I was in love with a man who could not be in a relationship with me because I was so screwed up. I was going nowhere very fast and was so messed up I thought that death would be better then trying to be me anymore. I had lost my hope. If you had told where I would be today I would NEVER have believed you. If you told me the wonderful man that I married would not be Paul I would have called you a liar. I never believed I could have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone. I never believed that I would make anything of my life. I believed in the end that the prophecies of those who had hurt me in my childhood would come to pass.
I don't know when my hope came back. I can't pinpoint a moment when things came back together. I know that Gil helped to build me back up. I know that he gave me the courage to try things, to make choices, to fail and fall but with a safety net. But he does not treat me with kid gloves and I like that.
I make choices everyday to keep me out of the darkness. They are not always the right choices. Some days I see how easy it would be to slip back. I think I will always struggle. But I am so grateful for what I have been given. I am so grateful for all the wonderful things I have in my life; for my job, my home, my friends, my amazing husband who supports me every single day whether it is a good day or a dark day. This life I have, this hope of mine. It is the best birthday gift ever. yay me!

2007- The Clean Slate

Well New Years eve has come and gone with it's usual amount of drama and fan fair. 2006 was a very good year for me [ Shannon came home to visit , I lost 30 lbs., I got engaged, I got married] but I am ready to see it gone. I like the clean slate everyone seems so eager to offer us when the calendar switches over. It honestly makes it feel like anything is possible. The past few years I have either not set any resolutions or ones that had no substance. This year I plan to do better. First of all back to weight watchers 'cause that 30 lbs I lost found it's way home. As of today I am off of pop. I feel about pop now the way I felt about cigarettes when I quit smoking, I hate it, it makes me feel gross but I CRAVE it anyway, so it is going, cold turkey. Diet pop is no better, it is a load of crap. Diet gives me headaches and makes my teeth feel disgusting. Good Bye POP.
Also this year we want to have a baby. Be prepared to hear a lot about this, it will be a running theme. I hope I am one of those blessed people who gets pregnant as soon as we start to honestly try, but I have deep fear that I will be one of the other people for whom pregnancy is a long hard road. I want to make sure that the trying to get pregnant part does not become a stress on our relationship, that is very important.
I want this year to be awesome for Gil and I. Are first full year married, we will have lots of new adventures. I just want the journey to be an enjoyable one for both of us.
Well I am off to take down some decorations. I like to have them dawn before my birthday, and I would REALLY like to have my living room back.

Happy New Year, be blessed.