I am tired, I am damn tired. I know I didn't gratitude last night. I was tired then too. this weekend has been hard, mentally and physically. I am beat and I am scared.

I am grateful for good doctors, good medical care and the worlds best husband. there you go.

Why I didn't do my gratitude last night but will FOR SURE tonight....

Well folks, I have officially over done it. last night I went to the gym because I was determined to get me three in this week. I did this despite the fact that I was exhausted and run down and had not had a proper meal since 10:30am. As a result I ended up in hospital, rushed by ambulance with very little recollection of what happened. I remember thinking a few minutes before "I am too tired to do this today I should just go." Then I thought "don't be a pussy, just finish" I was working hard, I was thinking about getting weighed and measured on Monday. The next thing I knew I was on the bicep curl and I was trying to ask for help but my mouth didn't know how to work anymore. Then I work up and there were men all around me asking me questions and sticking me with things and for some reason my hand hurt terribly ( I still don't know why). I was loaded on an ambulance and rushed to hospital.By the grace of God Gil was in the parking lot waiting for me so I didn't have to be without him for long. It was a long night at the ER. The doctor was mostly concerned that when I came to I had a killer headache and also when they too my blood sugar in the ambulance it was 6.1 which is perfectly normal. I guess they were hoping it was a low blood sugar thing. Anyway the doctor seemed pretty concerned it might be an aneurysm but the CT scan looked good. He wanted to do a spinal tap but at that point I freaked out and said I wanted to go home. I had already had so many needles, I was hooked up to oxygen and an IV because after a few hours I still had low sats. there were wires coming off me everywhere and I was really fucking freaked out. Anyway they let me come home on the promise that I would take it VERY easy and come back if I had so much as a twinge. SO here I sit in my chair. Freaked out, tired, sore and stil for some ungodly reason concerned about getting weighed in.
As an additional note I found out on the way home last night, Gil told me (and I think his aim may have been to attempt to send me back to the hospital, my choice not to have the spinal tap was not a popular) that the first responders on the scene could not get a pulse on me. Period, anywhere. that really fucking scares me. I have to be honest. I am still really freaked out.

Well it was a good day... I am tired but I def. don't have that pmsy feeling of the other day. I still feel like stuff isn't getting done around the house as quickly as I would like and the mess if a little out of control. With Gil down and out with a cold I fear this weekend will be a wash. We shall see...

(1) Lunch with David
(2) John playing John
(3) I made dinner and it tasted good
(4) Pretty sunset
(5) work being actually calm

I sucked today. I gotta say. I was whinny and impatient at work. I gave my husband a hard time for having the gall to fall ill. AND I forgot to put on antiperspirant this morning so after my worker out I smelled so bad I made MYSELF gag. Over all not a stellar day. I wish I could have a do over but I can't so I just have to make tomorrow better. It is weird it really feels PMS grade bitchiness but I just finished recently so it can't be. In FACT it feels a lot like CLOMID crazy but there is no way on earth it can be that. Anyway.... I really ow my husband an apology. Poor pooper felt like HE had to apologize for being sick. How awful am I?

Lets find some gratitude anyway....

(1) Worked out even though I really didn't want to
(2) Drive home from Aimee
(3) "I take it back, unfuck yourself"
(4) cats see to actually like each other
(5) beautiful moon

Ha! Tonight I am going to be good even though I am too tired to keep my eyes open....

(1) Living room shelves!
(2) sammiches for dinner
(3) no gym tonight!
(4) the cats getting along
(5) most of the dishes being done.

Yeah it is a lame list but that is all I have.
Night.

I just realized I did not do one for yesterday so I suck a little, but I have to say so far I have been pretty good at keeping my word. I am already half way through the month. Go me.

Short and sweet tonight just like Mango who is curled up on my chest while I type.

(1) great work out
(2) ginger ale
(3)sweater weather
(4)hot coffee
(5)Michael's with Aimee. Woot.

I did it again!! This time the combination of a late game night and the addition of a new family member put all thoughts of blogging right out of my head. The new family member is a 8 week old kitten who was abandoned pretty much at birth and has been living with a co-worker of Gil's for the past few weeks. She is totally adorable and now answers (or not) to the name of Mango. Tikka is unhappy. We will see how it goes.

Anyway yesterdays gratitude....

(1) Mango!
(2) Breakfast with Gil at the new quiet Cora's
(3)Girl at Canadian Tire making the same funny vampire joke about my broken spade.
(4)lazy saturday afternoons
(5) IMPERIUM!

I was so tired last night I passed out before I had a chance to update my gratitude so I am going to do it this morning before the day gets away from me....

(1) Driving home from work with Gil, we only do it on Friday now so it seems more special.
(2) oatmeal cookie from Michael at work. I only had a piece of it and then gave the rest to Gary but it is the thought that counts.
(3)Not living in Texas. Ike blows. Literally.
(4) Dinner at Cheelin with Gil's coworkers and the boss paid.
(5) Someone noticing the shrimp in the rice before I took a bite. Yeah that was a really great thing.

If I didn't think it would be cheating all 5 things tonight would be Sara helping me with the yard .... but since I can't do all five it certainly gets top billing....

(1) Sara helping me so super uber much with the yard.
(2) Finally meeting a neighbour and she was cool.
(3) The beautiful moon light coming in the living room window.
(4) Wendy's for dinner. Naughty but so yummy.
(5)the sun shine we had today without humidity.

Good lord I am tired. This week I am just working my ass off and I am really starting to feel it. I fear Cardio tomorrow might kill me. I am going to update this and then I am going to fall into an 8 hour coma.

(1) Awesome water consumption today.
(2) the sound of crickets outside the bedroom window.
(3) grilled cheese sandwiches.mmmm
(4)My very comfy bed.
(5)Gil carrying the laundry down to the laundry room for me.

Oh man I had a work out and a half tonight. I am so sore but I know my body will thank me later. I know I can do this but I have to start I visualize myself losing the weight. Oh man I sound like mom. This can't be a fad, it has to be a life style. I can do this.

(1) Wanda having such a good day at work.
(2) our break at work because of the power failure (I hope know one was badly hurt in the accident that caused it.
(3) Laure posting pictures of the boys
(4) joining Curves Quest (GO GIRL!)
(5) Gil trying the hour wind down with me. I have the most supportive husband in the world.

too tired to say much, just want to get this over with and go to bed....

(1) Laura on facebook
(2) Trevor T on facebook (yeah it was a good facebook day)
(3) Painting with Aimee
(4) Cute neighbour girls (little girls get your mind out of the gutter!) raising money for Terry Fox run.
(5)Bed time.

okay so Post Tropical Storm Hanna was a bust, I am glad I was not one of those whack jobs stocking up for the end times. Of course one of these times I am going to be wrong and I will be screwed. I guess I could have at least pulled out some candles just in case. It does FEEL tropical here however, it is so humid I am disgustingly warm. Our house usually has a good cross breeze but tonight there is nary a whiff of a breeze. I am in a good mood but the combination of the heat and the menstrual cramps is putting a bit of a damper on things. Over all the weekend was a total success. I got SOME stuff done around the house but there was a good amount of lazing as well. Not to mention a trip out for Chinese foods.
Sara is going to come over on Wednesday and help me out getting the garden ready for fall. The garden was a HUGE part of why I wanted to buy this place and now I am totally scared by it. I am petrified of making a "mistake". Anyway I am sure I will get over it at some point.
I am falling down tired so without further rambling I present todays gratitude.

(1) Gil making a huge feast for dinner for us and our D&D gang.
(2) Not needing the candles I never pulled out.
(3) FINALLY finding the place mats I bought and packed away months ago.
(4) Our fan!
(5) Midol. yes, god bless Midol.

Some days this is just too easy...

And that is a good thing!!!

(1) Brunch with Frank, Lee and Izzy.
(2) Walking in the park with my husband.
(3)Rita Golden Gelman
(4)Kitty on a ladder
(5)Sobey's not being insanely busy the night before a big storm.

Today my spirits and energy are high and my gratitude abundant. Maybe this experiment is working.
(1) Working out even though it is Friday and I just wanted to chill.
(2) An evening with friends I don't see enough of.
(3) watching the cat try and kill a hair elastic.
(4) two words.... Garlic Roaster!
(5) Progress in the adoption process!

so...

I realize that my last few posts went from YAY happy to I have been complaining alot and the blog might not have reflected that. First of all let me say I have PMS so I am probably WAY over reacting. Second of all my complaints have mostly been in my head or to my darling husband. Nonetheless there is always room for more gratitude. Having said that.

(1)Christmas ornaments in September
(2)Jann Arden
(3) Spaghetti
(4)the sun finally coming out for a while
(5)my dishwasher.

More Gratitude.....

Because I made a commitment ....

(1)Watching all the kids go off to school.
(2)My beautiful green sitting room walls.
(3)Pamcakes.
(4) hot bath
(5) Christopher Moore!

Meghan the downer...

It seems like recently I have been complaining more then I have celebrating. I need to recognize the good things in my life so for the month of September I am going to keep a gratitude list. Every day I am going to share 5 things I am grateful for. I hope that it serves to show me how much awesomeness I have in my life.

(1) Gil making dinner
(2) Aimee picking me up at Curves
(3) Facial waxing
(4) My heating pad
(5) tomatoes with balsamic vinegar

More thoughts

How do I spell happiness? H.O.M.E. I know, I know, it’s all I talk about these days but I am just so unimaginably content. I love doing everything in our house, our home. I love doing the dishes. I love doing the laundry. The other night I was up at 3am cleaning up after my violently ill husband and it was so oddly satisfying. Not that I was happy he was sick of course, but I didn’t mind at all the clean up process. I don’t know if it will last or not but for now I have a deep desire to take really good care of this home of ours. It’s not like I am exactly being a clean freak or anything, although truth be told I have been tidier, it is deeper then that. It’s like for the first time I really care about my surrounding. I always thought I did care, but this is different. I don’t feel like I explaining myself very well but that’s okay you get the general idea.

I am not completely anxiety free mind you. Gil’s recent bout of stomach flu/ food poisoning re-sparked my “Gil’s going to die and leave me all alone” anxiety. This of course has been much more acute since Michelle lost Kevin, more often then not I can keep it in check but seeing him so sick really broke me. I wonder if I am strong enough to deal with a serious illness. I would like to think I am but I have a great fear that I would freeze like a deer in headlights. I love my husband more then anything or anyone in the world and I can’t imagine anything worse then something bad happening to him. My problem is that I spend too much time doing just that. I know it is an irrational fear (as most fears are) and he is the picture of health. I know he will likely live a long healthy life. But that is probably what Michelle thought too.

There are also days where I find another thought creeping into my mind. Gil and I will be making big plans or doing something spontaneous and I feel so happy and so complete and I think…”Maybe we shouldn’t have kids. Maybe we would be happier just the two of us.” A totally crazy thought I know as we have tried so hard to have a baby and started the process to adopt. I am not sure where the thought comes from. I have wanted to be a parent so long but now I find myself questioning my motives. I have wanted to be a mother forever. I love kids. But I find my patience for certain child related things growing shorter. I love the life I have with my husband and wonder from time to time if it isn’t enough with just the two of us, maybe even easier. Or maybe I am just trying to get my mind used to the idea that there may never be a child in our family. Filling out adoption paper is certainly no guarantee that we will one day have a child of our own. I want to make sure we are doing all this for the right reasons. I am sure that Gil is, but I need to make sure that I am. This is one of the reasons we are also considering respite care.

Respite. Synonyms include breather, break, relief, reprieve

I can’t count the number of times I have heard “So&So adopted and then boom they got pregnant right away!” I am tired of those stories. They are even worse for me than the “I just stopped trying and boom I was pregnant!” stories. We are not looking to use adoption as a fertility treatment. When I made that first call to Community Services on January 14^th I was not thinking “hey if I do this then maybe I will finally get pregnant with my own baby.” I was thinking “It is more important to me that we are PARENTS then it is for me to give birth.” And I still feel the same way. When we started the adoption process we were still doing the fertility treatments, I considered this to be a kind of concurrent planning, it made sense at the time, but it didn’t last long. It didn’t take me long to pick the path that was best for me and best for our family and that path is adoption. This may not be the way I always envisioned having my family but it is not second best and I never EVER want our child to feel that way. In fact when I think about my own family and Gil’s I wonder if adoption isn’t divine providence for us. We more than most people know that families aren’t blood they are love.

Respite we are told may be a good way to get our foot in the door. It may be a good way of getting us to our end goal faster. I would be an idiot and a liar if I said that didn’t have merit, but I don’t want anyone to think that we are doing this solely as a short cut to get our own kid. We both were intrigued with the idea of respite as soon as we heard about it. We hadn’t known that such a thing was an option. I don’t think I could be a full time foster parent. I think I would get attached and then I would get hurt when the child had to leave us. I know myself too well. Maybe after we have adopted our kids and we have more emotional strength. I don’t know but in the mean time a weekend every month sounds like exactly what Gil and I should be doing. Getting our feet wet. We both love spending time with children but we could both use some practice with our parenting skills. I am hoping that this will give Gil and opportunity to be a little more hands on than he has been with the other children we have in our life and perhaps make him a little more comfortable in that regard. I on the other hand need to get used to sharing children. I have a problem with the way the system is set up and I need to get over that in order to help my future child. Also I need to learn to be more …firm; Sometimes it is okay to say no, sometimes it is okay to be the bad guy. Heck sometimes it is even for the best interest of the child to be NOT be their best friend. I have a hard time with that, I know I do. I had a hard time with Brianna for the same reasons. Sometimes I wasn’t able to say no when I should have because I wanted to be liked.

(I have been dealing with that same issue my whole life, and in a nut shell it describes the first 10 years of my dating life.)

I want my kids to like me, but not at the expense of them growing up to be little decent people so if from time to time they have to dislike me, I need to okay with that. It is part of the job.

I guess by what I have just said I do want kids. Of course I still want kids and I think that Gil does too. But it is dawning on us now how much our lives will change with a child in the picture. We, especially me, would like to think that everything will go back to normal after a period of adjustment but that is just not true. Once you have a child nothing is ever the same again. For example we are planning a trip to see Shannon and Damon and the girls for Christmas of 2010. That will not be an easy trip to take with a child. I will still DO it. But it would be easier if it were just Gil and I. When we are wandering around the house mostly naked, or hanging out in the living room with the lights off watching the lightening, when the house is so quiet on Saturday morning while I putter around and Gilly is still sleeping. When we are dreaming about the two of us driving across the country together, these are the moments when I have doubts. I guess that is normal.