Dang...

Okay so I am pretty much ready to post my first topical issue thingy.. (yeah I am having a hard time with words tonight) anyway I have one small problem, I am suddenly struck with a case of stage fright. I suddenly care what people might think about what I say. I guess that I have pretty much suspected that no one read this at all but periodically I hear people say... "blah blah blah your blog...blah blah..." and then the other day my husband told me that he reads it from time to time. So now I am worried that I might step on some toes. I am going to try to put it up in the next day or so. If I take shit for it then we will deal with it. If not I will try again. Yeah so that is that.

And now for something a little different...

Trying to figure out how I feel about life, the universe and everything.....Okay it is time for me to tackle some of the larger issues in life to see what I feel, where I am on the issues that really seem to matter...I think I will take one issue at a time (after I make a list) Abortion...Religion....Being Green....Eating meat...Open Marriage...Gender and politics..... You get the idea... I am going to read, watch, listen try and learn and then try and listen to my heart about how I feel. Then I am going to share with the rest of the world.Doesn't that sound like fun?

110 Reasons Why My Husband is The Best

1. His eyes sparkle and crinkle when he laughs.
2. He can take apart a toilet and but it back together on his own.
3. He always smells so good.
4. He is a very safe driver.
5. He is seriously one of the smartest people I have ever met.
6. He can make jokes about Pi.
7. He makes awesome homemade chicken noodle soup.
8. He helps me name inanimate objects with people names.
9. He makes trips to the grocery store romantic.
10. He sends me links to turtles/giraffes/kitties when I am blue.
11. His “pretty dress” joke.
12. He is not to high brow for a good fart joke.
13. He likes washing my hair in the shower.
14. He calls me at work when he wants to share something really interesting or funny.
15. He works at his job because he really likes it.
16. He always makes my birthday super special.
17. He is okay with having breakfast for dinner.
18. He has a really nice bum.
19. He puts the toothpaste on my toothbrush every morning.
20. He loves BOGO.
21. He says good morning to Don on CBC radio faithfully.
22. He both is and is not a mamma’s boy.
23. He always helps his friends out even with crappy jobs.
24. He makes really good coffee.
25. He sits on the side of the tub and pours water on my back.
26. He lets me pick his body wash.
27. He can play Barbie’s with little girls.
28. He cleans up after himself when he is sick.
29. He totally supported me through Clomid.
30. He thinks Homer Day is funny.
31. His gifts to me are always so thoughtful.
32. He only says no when there is a good reason.
33. He taught me about slop.
34. He doesn’t say “I love you” casually.
35. He is not uptight about money
36. He does not care about farts.
37. He tells good bedtime stories.
38. He eats whatever I cook even if it sucks.
39. He makes mooing noises when we drive by cows.
40. His total devotion to all things Rush.
41. His explanation of the Time Cube.
42. He makes killer scrambled eggs.
43. He is never (hardly ever) cranky in the morning.
44. He gives the cutest voice to our cats.
45. He never fails to kiss me good night, even when he’s mad.
46. He never complains when my beard is thicker then his.
47. He always brings me glass bottle when he goes to PEI.
48. He is good with babies.
49. He is always nice to my mom.
50. He talks to my crazy drunk brother on the phone.
51. He comes in with me at the Dr.’s office.
52. He is good at carving a turkey.
53. He can really keep a secret.
54. He is very compassionate.
55. He doesn’t care if I go to bed angry.
56. He never makes me feel inferior because of my infertility.
57. He loves his sisters.
58. He understands that sometimes cramps are the end of the world.
59. He rarely gets drunk and stupid.
60. He has a really sexy back and shoulders.
61. He always listens to me gripe about work.
62. He loves to read.
63. He listens to me talk about my dreams, figuratively and literally.
64. He can be the bad guy when he needs to be.
65. He has a wonderful variety of friends.
66. He will go into Lush to “just smell” with me.
67. He volunteers for Operation Red Nose.
68. He is affectionate in public.
69. He is never afraid to try new foods.
70. He knows what the “Carrot Store” is.
71. He is a great back scratcher.
72. He goes to the skating party every year.
73. He plays the same “game” with me every Christmas Eve.
74. He thinks its okay to bring a book out to breakfast so you can read & eat.
75. He makes a kick ass Robot Butler.
76. He always helps me on the computer.
77. He never laughs at me when I cry ‘cause Leo died.
78. He loves a good movie date night.
79. He makes awesome costumes.
80. He has very kissable lips.
81. He understands why it is awesome that “God put his picture on the fridge”
82. He thinks my glasses are sexy.
83. He often comes to have lunch with me at work.
84. He drank red wine with me on our first anniversary.
85. He doesn’t notice how grey I am going.
86. He understands that Trailer Breakfast is a thing a beauty to be revered.
87. He loves Lost as much as I do.
88. He loves Pamcakes.
89. He understands the smell of Sunlight dish liquid brings out the crazy in me.
90. He understands the deviation from a plan is hard on me.
91. He loves the Bunnies at White Point as much as I do.
92. He never resents it when I want to do stuff with other people.
93. He eats purple popcicles far from me.
94. He doesn’t laugh if I say SIN number or PIN number.
95. He doesn’t get grossed out when I talk about lady stuff.
96. He understands that celebrating milestones is important to me.
97. He remembers to do things like test the smoke detector.
98. He thinks that Steak & a Blow Job Day is funny.
99. He gets along really well with my Big Brother.
100. He gets really mad if people are mean to me.
101. He indulges my addiction to Starbucks.
102. He lives by the Tomato code
103. He thinks that charity auctions are fun.
104. He drives me all over the place without complaint.
105. He bought me a beautiful house.
106. He always votes.
107. He is not afraid of hard work.
108. His Meggy dance.
109. He always does his share of house work.
110. He is the best husband in the world.
     

I am tired, I am damn tired. I know I didn't gratitude last night. I was tired then too. this weekend has been hard, mentally and physically. I am beat and I am scared.

I am grateful for good doctors, good medical care and the worlds best husband. there you go.

Why I didn't do my gratitude last night but will FOR SURE tonight....

Well folks, I have officially over done it. last night I went to the gym because I was determined to get me three in this week. I did this despite the fact that I was exhausted and run down and had not had a proper meal since 10:30am. As a result I ended up in hospital, rushed by ambulance with very little recollection of what happened. I remember thinking a few minutes before "I am too tired to do this today I should just go." Then I thought "don't be a pussy, just finish" I was working hard, I was thinking about getting weighed and measured on Monday. The next thing I knew I was on the bicep curl and I was trying to ask for help but my mouth didn't know how to work anymore. Then I work up and there were men all around me asking me questions and sticking me with things and for some reason my hand hurt terribly ( I still don't know why). I was loaded on an ambulance and rushed to hospital.By the grace of God Gil was in the parking lot waiting for me so I didn't have to be without him for long. It was a long night at the ER. The doctor was mostly concerned that when I came to I had a killer headache and also when they too my blood sugar in the ambulance it was 6.1 which is perfectly normal. I guess they were hoping it was a low blood sugar thing. Anyway the doctor seemed pretty concerned it might be an aneurysm but the CT scan looked good. He wanted to do a spinal tap but at that point I freaked out and said I wanted to go home. I had already had so many needles, I was hooked up to oxygen and an IV because after a few hours I still had low sats. there were wires coming off me everywhere and I was really fucking freaked out. Anyway they let me come home on the promise that I would take it VERY easy and come back if I had so much as a twinge. SO here I sit in my chair. Freaked out, tired, sore and stil for some ungodly reason concerned about getting weighed in.
As an additional note I found out on the way home last night, Gil told me (and I think his aim may have been to attempt to send me back to the hospital, my choice not to have the spinal tap was not a popular) that the first responders on the scene could not get a pulse on me. Period, anywhere. that really fucking scares me. I have to be honest. I am still really freaked out.

Well it was a good day... I am tired but I def. don't have that pmsy feeling of the other day. I still feel like stuff isn't getting done around the house as quickly as I would like and the mess if a little out of control. With Gil down and out with a cold I fear this weekend will be a wash. We shall see...

(1) Lunch with David
(2) John playing John
(3) I made dinner and it tasted good
(4) Pretty sunset
(5) work being actually calm

I sucked today. I gotta say. I was whinny and impatient at work. I gave my husband a hard time for having the gall to fall ill. AND I forgot to put on antiperspirant this morning so after my worker out I smelled so bad I made MYSELF gag. Over all not a stellar day. I wish I could have a do over but I can't so I just have to make tomorrow better. It is weird it really feels PMS grade bitchiness but I just finished recently so it can't be. In FACT it feels a lot like CLOMID crazy but there is no way on earth it can be that. Anyway.... I really ow my husband an apology. Poor pooper felt like HE had to apologize for being sick. How awful am I?

Lets find some gratitude anyway....

(1) Worked out even though I really didn't want to
(2) Drive home from Aimee
(3) "I take it back, unfuck yourself"
(4) cats see to actually like each other
(5) beautiful moon

Ha! Tonight I am going to be good even though I am too tired to keep my eyes open....

(1) Living room shelves!
(2) sammiches for dinner
(3) no gym tonight!
(4) the cats getting along
(5) most of the dishes being done.

Yeah it is a lame list but that is all I have.
Night.

I just realized I did not do one for yesterday so I suck a little, but I have to say so far I have been pretty good at keeping my word. I am already half way through the month. Go me.

Short and sweet tonight just like Mango who is curled up on my chest while I type.

(1) great work out
(2) ginger ale
(3)sweater weather
(4)hot coffee
(5)Michael's with Aimee. Woot.

I did it again!! This time the combination of a late game night and the addition of a new family member put all thoughts of blogging right out of my head. The new family member is a 8 week old kitten who was abandoned pretty much at birth and has been living with a co-worker of Gil's for the past few weeks. She is totally adorable and now answers (or not) to the name of Mango. Tikka is unhappy. We will see how it goes.

Anyway yesterdays gratitude....

(1) Mango!
(2) Breakfast with Gil at the new quiet Cora's
(3)Girl at Canadian Tire making the same funny vampire joke about my broken spade.
(4)lazy saturday afternoons
(5) IMPERIUM!

I was so tired last night I passed out before I had a chance to update my gratitude so I am going to do it this morning before the day gets away from me....

(1) Driving home from work with Gil, we only do it on Friday now so it seems more special.
(2) oatmeal cookie from Michael at work. I only had a piece of it and then gave the rest to Gary but it is the thought that counts.
(3)Not living in Texas. Ike blows. Literally.
(4) Dinner at Cheelin with Gil's coworkers and the boss paid.
(5) Someone noticing the shrimp in the rice before I took a bite. Yeah that was a really great thing.

If I didn't think it would be cheating all 5 things tonight would be Sara helping me with the yard .... but since I can't do all five it certainly gets top billing....

(1) Sara helping me so super uber much with the yard.
(2) Finally meeting a neighbour and she was cool.
(3) The beautiful moon light coming in the living room window.
(4) Wendy's for dinner. Naughty but so yummy.
(5)the sun shine we had today without humidity.

Good lord I am tired. This week I am just working my ass off and I am really starting to feel it. I fear Cardio tomorrow might kill me. I am going to update this and then I am going to fall into an 8 hour coma.

(1) Awesome water consumption today.
(2) the sound of crickets outside the bedroom window.
(3) grilled cheese sandwiches.mmmm
(4)My very comfy bed.
(5)Gil carrying the laundry down to the laundry room for me.

Oh man I had a work out and a half tonight. I am so sore but I know my body will thank me later. I know I can do this but I have to start I visualize myself losing the weight. Oh man I sound like mom. This can't be a fad, it has to be a life style. I can do this.

(1) Wanda having such a good day at work.
(2) our break at work because of the power failure (I hope know one was badly hurt in the accident that caused it.
(3) Laure posting pictures of the boys
(4) joining Curves Quest (GO GIRL!)
(5) Gil trying the hour wind down with me. I have the most supportive husband in the world.

too tired to say much, just want to get this over with and go to bed....

(1) Laura on facebook
(2) Trevor T on facebook (yeah it was a good facebook day)
(3) Painting with Aimee
(4) Cute neighbour girls (little girls get your mind out of the gutter!) raising money for Terry Fox run.
(5)Bed time.

okay so Post Tropical Storm Hanna was a bust, I am glad I was not one of those whack jobs stocking up for the end times. Of course one of these times I am going to be wrong and I will be screwed. I guess I could have at least pulled out some candles just in case. It does FEEL tropical here however, it is so humid I am disgustingly warm. Our house usually has a good cross breeze but tonight there is nary a whiff of a breeze. I am in a good mood but the combination of the heat and the menstrual cramps is putting a bit of a damper on things. Over all the weekend was a total success. I got SOME stuff done around the house but there was a good amount of lazing as well. Not to mention a trip out for Chinese foods.
Sara is going to come over on Wednesday and help me out getting the garden ready for fall. The garden was a HUGE part of why I wanted to buy this place and now I am totally scared by it. I am petrified of making a "mistake". Anyway I am sure I will get over it at some point.
I am falling down tired so without further rambling I present todays gratitude.

(1) Gil making a huge feast for dinner for us and our D&D gang.
(2) Not needing the candles I never pulled out.
(3) FINALLY finding the place mats I bought and packed away months ago.
(4) Our fan!
(5) Midol. yes, god bless Midol.

Some days this is just too easy...

And that is a good thing!!!

(1) Brunch with Frank, Lee and Izzy.
(2) Walking in the park with my husband.
(3)Rita Golden Gelman
(4)Kitty on a ladder
(5)Sobey's not being insanely busy the night before a big storm.

Today my spirits and energy are high and my gratitude abundant. Maybe this experiment is working.
(1) Working out even though it is Friday and I just wanted to chill.
(2) An evening with friends I don't see enough of.
(3) watching the cat try and kill a hair elastic.
(4) two words.... Garlic Roaster!
(5) Progress in the adoption process!

so...

I realize that my last few posts went from YAY happy to I have been complaining alot and the blog might not have reflected that. First of all let me say I have PMS so I am probably WAY over reacting. Second of all my complaints have mostly been in my head or to my darling husband. Nonetheless there is always room for more gratitude. Having said that.

(1)Christmas ornaments in September
(2)Jann Arden
(3) Spaghetti
(4)the sun finally coming out for a while
(5)my dishwasher.

More Gratitude.....

Because I made a commitment ....

(1)Watching all the kids go off to school.
(2)My beautiful green sitting room walls.
(3)Pamcakes.
(4) hot bath
(5) Christopher Moore!

Meghan the downer...

It seems like recently I have been complaining more then I have celebrating. I need to recognize the good things in my life so for the month of September I am going to keep a gratitude list. Every day I am going to share 5 things I am grateful for. I hope that it serves to show me how much awesomeness I have in my life.

(1) Gil making dinner
(2) Aimee picking me up at Curves
(3) Facial waxing
(4) My heating pad
(5) tomatoes with balsamic vinegar

More thoughts

How do I spell happiness? H.O.M.E. I know, I know, it’s all I talk about these days but I am just so unimaginably content. I love doing everything in our house, our home. I love doing the dishes. I love doing the laundry. The other night I was up at 3am cleaning up after my violently ill husband and it was so oddly satisfying. Not that I was happy he was sick of course, but I didn’t mind at all the clean up process. I don’t know if it will last or not but for now I have a deep desire to take really good care of this home of ours. It’s not like I am exactly being a clean freak or anything, although truth be told I have been tidier, it is deeper then that. It’s like for the first time I really care about my surrounding. I always thought I did care, but this is different. I don’t feel like I explaining myself very well but that’s okay you get the general idea.

I am not completely anxiety free mind you. Gil’s recent bout of stomach flu/ food poisoning re-sparked my “Gil’s going to die and leave me all alone” anxiety. This of course has been much more acute since Michelle lost Kevin, more often then not I can keep it in check but seeing him so sick really broke me. I wonder if I am strong enough to deal with a serious illness. I would like to think I am but I have a great fear that I would freeze like a deer in headlights. I love my husband more then anything or anyone in the world and I can’t imagine anything worse then something bad happening to him. My problem is that I spend too much time doing just that. I know it is an irrational fear (as most fears are) and he is the picture of health. I know he will likely live a long healthy life. But that is probably what Michelle thought too.

There are also days where I find another thought creeping into my mind. Gil and I will be making big plans or doing something spontaneous and I feel so happy and so complete and I think…”Maybe we shouldn’t have kids. Maybe we would be happier just the two of us.” A totally crazy thought I know as we have tried so hard to have a baby and started the process to adopt. I am not sure where the thought comes from. I have wanted to be a parent so long but now I find myself questioning my motives. I have wanted to be a mother forever. I love kids. But I find my patience for certain child related things growing shorter. I love the life I have with my husband and wonder from time to time if it isn’t enough with just the two of us, maybe even easier. Or maybe I am just trying to get my mind used to the idea that there may never be a child in our family. Filling out adoption paper is certainly no guarantee that we will one day have a child of our own. I want to make sure we are doing all this for the right reasons. I am sure that Gil is, but I need to make sure that I am. This is one of the reasons we are also considering respite care.

Respite. Synonyms include breather, break, relief, reprieve

I can’t count the number of times I have heard “So&So adopted and then boom they got pregnant right away!” I am tired of those stories. They are even worse for me than the “I just stopped trying and boom I was pregnant!” stories. We are not looking to use adoption as a fertility treatment. When I made that first call to Community Services on January 14^th I was not thinking “hey if I do this then maybe I will finally get pregnant with my own baby.” I was thinking “It is more important to me that we are PARENTS then it is for me to give birth.” And I still feel the same way. When we started the adoption process we were still doing the fertility treatments, I considered this to be a kind of concurrent planning, it made sense at the time, but it didn’t last long. It didn’t take me long to pick the path that was best for me and best for our family and that path is adoption. This may not be the way I always envisioned having my family but it is not second best and I never EVER want our child to feel that way. In fact when I think about my own family and Gil’s I wonder if adoption isn’t divine providence for us. We more than most people know that families aren’t blood they are love.

Respite we are told may be a good way to get our foot in the door. It may be a good way of getting us to our end goal faster. I would be an idiot and a liar if I said that didn’t have merit, but I don’t want anyone to think that we are doing this solely as a short cut to get our own kid. We both were intrigued with the idea of respite as soon as we heard about it. We hadn’t known that such a thing was an option. I don’t think I could be a full time foster parent. I think I would get attached and then I would get hurt when the child had to leave us. I know myself too well. Maybe after we have adopted our kids and we have more emotional strength. I don’t know but in the mean time a weekend every month sounds like exactly what Gil and I should be doing. Getting our feet wet. We both love spending time with children but we could both use some practice with our parenting skills. I am hoping that this will give Gil and opportunity to be a little more hands on than he has been with the other children we have in our life and perhaps make him a little more comfortable in that regard. I on the other hand need to get used to sharing children. I have a problem with the way the system is set up and I need to get over that in order to help my future child. Also I need to learn to be more …firm; Sometimes it is okay to say no, sometimes it is okay to be the bad guy. Heck sometimes it is even for the best interest of the child to be NOT be their best friend. I have a hard time with that, I know I do. I had a hard time with Brianna for the same reasons. Sometimes I wasn’t able to say no when I should have because I wanted to be liked.

(I have been dealing with that same issue my whole life, and in a nut shell it describes the first 10 years of my dating life.)

I want my kids to like me, but not at the expense of them growing up to be little decent people so if from time to time they have to dislike me, I need to okay with that. It is part of the job.

I guess by what I have just said I do want kids. Of course I still want kids and I think that Gil does too. But it is dawning on us now how much our lives will change with a child in the picture. We, especially me, would like to think that everything will go back to normal after a period of adjustment but that is just not true. Once you have a child nothing is ever the same again. For example we are planning a trip to see Shannon and Damon and the girls for Christmas of 2010. That will not be an easy trip to take with a child. I will still DO it. But it would be easier if it were just Gil and I. When we are wandering around the house mostly naked, or hanging out in the living room with the lights off watching the lightening, when the house is so quiet on Saturday morning while I putter around and Gilly is still sleeping. When we are dreaming about the two of us driving across the country together, these are the moments when I have doubts. I guess that is normal.

House ... the story

Okay, I own a home. We own a home. It is ours. We painted walls, colours we picked!! We have a To Do list as long as all our arms combined but somehow it is not at all overwhelming. People weren’t kidding when they said I would never be in want of a project again. Every room has something that needs doing, but it’s not scary. I know somehow it will all get done, I know that the money will come from somewhere. I am starting to see that we have time and everything doesn’t have to be done right away. We can pick at stuff, get it done at our own pace. We don’t have to ask anyone but each other if we want to do something, anything. If we make a mistake we will learn from it. Already we are learning our butts off. There are lots of things to learn and lots to do and lots of fun to be had along the way. We could have bought a house that already had paint that we liked; we even saw one that looked like it came out of the pages of a Martha Stewart magazine it was lovely but it was really missing that special something, the it factor that struck something inside of us. I knew this was meant to be our house when we both were struck by “it”. The Martha Stewart was beautiful but it wasn’t ours. Our house needs a cosmetic make-over but it is going to be all us. Every room is going to reflect our personalities. If we had gone with the Martha house we wouldn’t have painted not for a long time anyway, it would have been pretty but it would not have been us. Our house is getting painted ASAP because the current décor demands it. But that means it will be “ours” sooner. I have had the chance to speak with the former home owner and he is a really lovely man. His taste in plants is impeccable however his taste in paint and wallpaper makes me question his sanity. The first room to get a make-over was the living room/sitting room. This is going to be my little haven. There will be no TV in this room. There will be no eating in this room. There will be conversations and reading. Gil took me to Leon’s and we picked out BRAND NEW furniture for this room and it was delivered this week. This is my first new sofa, chair and love seat ever. In the 14 years I have lived on my own I have ALWAYS had hand me down furniture. And I am okay with that; that is how it goes. I don’t mind second hand furniture; in fact sometimes I prefer it. I love my second hand dinning room set from Frank & Lee. I love that the furniture for our kids room comes from Sara & Jan, that it has years of love and experience. But there is something about that new living room furniture that says to me “you’ve come a long way baby!” There were lots of moments in the past 20 odd years that I thought I would never be here, lots of moments where I was only running on faith, and more then a few moments when I was only running on the fumes of faith.

Where I am right now is basically where I have always wanted to be. The picture isn’t exactly as I had in my head but I am happier then I ever imagined.

I don’t always act like I am happy. I know I can be quite a sad sack sometimes. I often am able to find something to gripe about. That is me. It is part of my charm. I really am very happy with my life. There is so much good in my world. . I slag my husband when he annoys me but the truth of the matter is I have found the most amazing man in the world and he cares so much about me it is heart wrenching. I found love in a world where there is just not enough of that commodity. I complain about my job but at least I have one. I get a regular pay cheque and am able to contribute to my family and household. I bitch about the price of gas these days but I have a car the shuttles my fat ass around and I don’t have to sleep in it because I also have a great roof over my head, and now I own that roof. I have never owned a roof before. I know there will be moments of stress. I know there will be moments I feel overwhelmed. I just have to learn to breathe through those moments.

We are all moved and there is no rush now.

I think one of the things I liked the most about this move was that I did not have to do any of the actual physical moving. They did all the work that makes me cringe. This is the first time we have done this. It made me VERY happy.

Now I am dying to make this house “our home”. I want to actually get in the garden and plant all then lovely things I have been craving; Dahlias. Rudibeckia. Carpathian bells. Sunflowers. Lavender. Delphiniums. Hollyhocks. I am ripping out all but the one Bride’s Wreath Spirea. I can’t help it, I don’t know why it irritates me so much but Spirea gets on my last nerve. So that will leave me a pretty good sized space for some more colourful perennials. Depending on how far around the back of the house we wrap the deck I might also have a nice spot for veggies. As for annuals, well I have my window boxes which will remain naked this year. I am also going to do boxes and pots around the deck and on the front porch, but I don’t think I am going to do any beds. Also I am turning the bank from the yard to the flower beds into one big “wild” perennial bed. I say wild because there will be no good, convenient way to get in and weed so it is going to be a lot of ground cover and self maintaining plants. Oh I am all tingly just thinking about it.

I keep waiting for the “post event blues” to set it but so far so good. Maybe it is because there is still so much to look forward to. Last night I mowed the lawn for the first time. It was actually HELLA hard work. I have new respect for all the people who keep such immaculate lawns. Mine doesn’t look that great but it will with practice. I think that was only the second time in my life I have ever mowed a lawn. I never had to as a kid because of my hay fever.

Anyway I guess I have gone a little off topic. I am happy. Life is good. This is what I have always dreamed of.

We own a house!!!!
I have been so busy I haven't had a chance to give any good updates here. But there will be more soon I swear.

Megs

Family

Waiting to adopt is a bit like being pregnant but without a due date and with no strange cravings. Also I can’t blame my weight gain on “eating for two”. There is all the excitement, all the anticipation and all the fear. Lot’s of fear. I know I want to be a mother, I know I want to parent with Gil. But I know that our lives are going to change in ways I can’t even being to imagine. We have a pretty great thing going on right now, just the two of us. We live on the go, but when we want to hibernate we can do that too. We see our friend’s lots. We eat out at good restaurants on a regular basis. We have a rhythm that feels good. Now we are going to try and incorporate someone else into our merry band and hope like hell that we can find our way. There are things I KNOW we will have to change or give up all together. I am okay. It also dawned on Gil recently too. However there are aspects of our life I want very much to retain. I don’t want to be one of those parents who never sees her friends again. And I don’t just mean play dates. I mean I want to spend time with my girls.

We are not going to have a new born and in some ways I think that could be a good thing. There are aspects of dealing with a new born that don’t thrill me. Maybe they would if I had a baby, maybe I would learn to love the sleep deprivation, but I doubt it. I am a monster without enough sleep. I know I will be missing out on valuable bonding time. I know that there will obstacles for us to overcome with our child because he or she will have emotional baggage from being in care. Maybe if I am not totally exhausted from sleep deprivation I will be able to help our new child with his or her issues. No small part of me wonders if I am cut out for parenting a new born or infant. The total lack of sleep, the teething, crazy schedule, and fear of SIDS, all of those gives me the willies. These were the things about being a parent that scared the shit out of me and it seems like I won’t have to deal with them. But I won’t lie. There are things that still make me feel so sad when I think about not doing them. Smelling my babies hair after I give her a bath, teaching him to walk, hearing her first words, breast feeding *big ache in my heart for that one*

There at so many positives and negative no matter how we become a family but the truth is inescapable, we want to be a family. We are going to be good parents. And I would MUCH rather work through the complexities of adoption than to continue on the assisted fertility path. I am sure there are people for whom assisted fertility is the right option. I have girl friends that went through with it for much longer then I did. Some of them had babies and some of them didn’t. For me it felt wrong from the beginning. I hated the way the meds made me feel. I hated it. No fooling. I hated the way our life came to revolve around what day of my cycle we were on. I felt overwhelmed and instead of feeling closer to Gil I felt a distance creeping in. Adoption we are going through together, infertility felt like a burden I was carrying all on my own despite the fact that he was with me. I wish I could explain my feelings better. I know I didn’t give the clomid as much time as people typically do. I know that getting pregnant takes time. But it shouldn’t be like work. It should never take the fun out of sex, or out of life for that matter. I don’t want a child that badly. I would rather be alone with Gil until the ends of days then to have a baby but have my marriage suffer as a result. I will love what ever child we have no matter how that child comes to us but my first priority is to my husband, to my marriage. That is the commitment I have already made. Gil is real and he is here he needs me more then a hypothetical child. Maybe that will change when the child is real. Gil is my partner and my best friend. He takes care of me all the time and he does it SO well. We are a wonderful team. I will miss some of the alone time we share when our family expands but I know he is always going to be there right beside me. I can’t wait to see him as a father. He is going to Rock My Socks! We are going to be a lucky family to have each other, all of us. Plus we have this amazing extended family. His parents are amazing and are just going to love any “beach bum” we have. His father is going teach her how to clam and take him out on the boat. His mother is going to paint with her and do crafts with him. I am feeling all smushy now. End of story for the moment.

Work

I don’t talk about my work much for two reasons (1) I know at least one of my co-workers have been known to read my blog from time to time (2) there usually isn’t that much to say. My job is boring. That’s it. It bores me, some days, to tears. I say the same lines of dialogue over and over and over and over. I make the same calls. I crack the same jokes with my co-workers. I listen to the same complaints.

I took this job for a reason. A few reasons actually. First off, well I was unemployed. Let’s face it, I need to work. Left at home on my own I go a little nutty. Second, it is not retail. Amen Amen Amen. I apologize to friends who may still be stuck in retail hell but I GOT OUT!!! After 2+ years at Zeller’s and a year at Frame Plus before that PLUS three summers in the Garden Center I was pretty much ready to commit homicide if I stayed one more second in retail. I was so tired of being treated like garbage, like LESS then garbage. For the last 6 months I was at Zeller’s I said to Gil every day “Don’t be surprised if today is the day I quite.” And every day I meant it. It was bad enough that the general public treated me like less then human because I work in the service industry. I am very good at my job. I excel at customer service. It is my curse; I rock at being a people pleaser. This does not make me a lesser being. But the worse thing was that I wasn’t valued by my employer. Talk about feeling worthless. Maxwell may be the most boring job I have ever done but at least I know that my management team ALWAYS has my back. The very few times a client has gone over my head to speak to my manager he has always stood by my decision. ALWAYS. Today I heard him tell someone “Well you have already had this conversation with Meghan and nothing has changed.” How cool is that. At Zeller’s they would come down on us so hard about the stupidest things, things that were so out of our control. Then when you needed them to support you they would stab you right in the back. Anytime a customer asked to speak to a manager I cringed because I knew it was game over, I knew I would end up looking like I was the incompetent one. I would stand there and tell the customer what I had been “coached” to say by management and then when the belligerent customer asks to speak with my manager they would swoop in and totally undermine me right in front of the customer giving in to what ever crazy demand was being made and pooh poohing me like am some unhelpful wretch rather then a cog in a totally fucked up wheel! Let me tell you folks something, you want to return some and get cash (or good as) in return? Take it to Zeller’s and when the girl at the customer service desk tell you no you just rant and rave and demand to talk to a manager because they will take ANYTHING back, without a receipt. Got dirty underwear you would rather return than launder? How about something that actually has WALMART written on it? How about an open box of tampons with several missing? People I am not making this shit up. These are but a few examples of things that I ACTUALLY saw, with my eyes. The 18 year old manning the counter was smart enough to say no but the manager who is going to make the biggest stink about profit margins being low is going to say “SURE! Just bring me all your garbage!”

I know I am digressing from my original intent but let me tell you another tale about retail hell. Let me tell you about COFFEE MAKER MAN. Friends will no doubt have heard this lurid tale already but I am going to tell it again.

It was Christmas season and the dreaded Midnight Madness was upon us. You may or may not know that I am pretty much a pumpkin; without an excessive amount of stimulants I am pretty much lights out at the stroke of midnight so Midnight Madness is a special kind of hell for me. Worse still while the rest of the mall takes it as an opportunity to have a Tax Free event Zeller’s (HBC) are WAY to cheap to participate in such an event. This always makes customers happy. So there I am at 11:30pm, just trying my best to stay awake and watching the crazies who are out shopping at this hour. A word of advice for some of you people, your toddler DOES NOT CARE about Midnight Madness and it is CRUEL to drag them out of the house at that hour. DO NOT YELL AT THEM FOR CRYING!! THEY ARE FUCKING TIRED!!!!!! Okay that said…. I was walking around looking for people to help when I came upon Mr. & Mrs. Coffee Maker. They were looking at coffee makers. I assumed they were looking for a gift but I was wrong, they were out at 11:30pm shopping for a new coffee maker for themselves, oh well who am I to judge at least they didn’t have a kid with them. I show them the model they seem drawn to and then we get into the haggling portion of the evening. I am thinking of telling him he is in MicMac Mall not a Turkish Bizarre but I know this isn’t going to help the situation. I remain calm, and tell him wearily that there is nothing wrong with the coffee maker, the price is the price. He grumbles a bit but then says “oh well at least we don’t have to pay the tax.” *sigh* Can you see where this is going? I am then left to explain in as nice a way as possible that the company I work for are greedy bastards who don’t believe in Tax Free. So there I am 11:35pm. Bone F’ing tired. Looking at this idiot who probably hasn’t had a coffee today and what does Mr. Coffee Maker do? HE THREW IT AT ME!!! I wish I were kidding. Sadly I am not. He threw a coffee maker at me. I must have given him one hell of a look because Mrs. Coffee Maker grabs her dear hubby by the hand and they book it! I am standing there, standing at the coffee maker laying in the aisle and said “fuck this. I am not paid enough for this. I am done for the night.” I sported a very interesting bruise for the next few days in a place only Gil would see.

And that people is why I hate retail!

My Girls!

No I don’t mean my boobs, despite the fact that I sometimes call them “the girls”. Nope I mean my girls. My support team, posse, my gang.

When I was growing up I almost always had boy best friends. I didn’t like other girls very much. They were either too prissy or too weird. Truth be told I didn’t feel comfortable around other girls, even then I was judging myself by someone else’s yard stick and I always found myself coming up short. With the boys I could be me; dirty nails, stringy hair and all. Then as a teenager I lived with 5-9 other teenage girl at any given time. If you want to learn something about the insanity of the female psyche I recommend trying this sometime. Needless to say I had it up to my eye balls with women and girls and though I had developed a few good girl friends I never felt wrapped in the warm embrace of sisterhood. In my early 20’s I retained a few of those girlfriends from high school and made a few more in university however for the most part other women my age were merely competition in the great sport that is man hunting. However as I have grown up (the late 20’s and entering my 30’s) and settled down I am astonished to find myself surrounded by amazing, smart, funny and beautiful women.

The other night I went to see the Sex & The City movie with one of these women. She is currently going through some very serious marital problems; we thought Sex would be a feel-good-pick-me-up-distraction for her. If you haven’t seen the movie I won’t spoil it for you but let’s face facts, it wouldn’t be Sex if there were not some relationship pitfalls to overcome. Our “feel good” movie turned into an intimate event for the two of us as we both watch as scenes from her ailing marriage played out on the screen before us. It was shocking. While she was left with her head reeling a little, I left with was a sense that my friend and I had delved even deeper into an already splendid friendship. For the duration of the movie there was only the two of us in that theatre, crying, laughing, making sure that the fiction was not too much for either of us to bear.

The movie celebrates that certain something about girlfriends that is so magnificent and crucial. There aren’t a lot of models of this out there. Women are taught to view each other critically and often with deep mistrust. I know I have been guilty of this myself. There are certain women who I don’t like because they have given me a reason to dislike them and then there are woman who I loath and I can’t tell you why. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I feel protective of my friends around them, of my male friends, or my brother (who no girl is good enough to date, of course) and of my husband (one woman in particular gets my dander going when she is around Gil and I thought that I wasn’t a jealous girl!)

I am trying to get past this as it is essentially misogynistic and I believe I am getting better.

However when I look at my really close girlfriends none of the make me feel on edge or over protective of my husband and some of them I would REALLY like to introduce to my guy friends. They are a fairly diverse group of women. They come in a range of shapes, colours and ages. They aren’t women who always agree with me no matter what I say. We don’t all share a taste in music or movies. Some are married, some have children, some have high paying jobs and some are just scraping by. What they have in common is Strength of Character. Kindness. Generosity. Inner Beauty. Respect. Compassion. Humour. Honour. Courage. They are women who give of themselves because they genuinely care about their friends and family. They are women who will sit in the doctor’s office with you even though you are a pukey mess. They are women who will let you come to their house at the crack of dawn to have a shower because your own is not working. They are women who know that getting a cold face cloth is the best way to help a crying friend. They are women who will volunteer their homes for showers or wedding receptions without a second thought. They are women who will roll up their sleeves and get dirty to give you a hand. They are women who will make you smile even when you didn’t think you had a smile left.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by these women.

Well the weather is sensational, it was like 25 degrees and sunny most of the day. I love the summer. I hate being hot and sweaty and fat, but it is still better then winter.
We Richard's had a very interesting weekend! We (me, Gil and Tikka) had to spend the weekend in a hotel. Between the bathroom construction which apparently could not wait the 6 weeks until we move, and the car problems, 4pm on friday the idler pulley goes on the car, fucking GREAT, we were a mess. So at 5pm when we are supposed to be on road to the Koivu cottage for a romantic weekend for just the two of us, we were in fact sitting in the parking lot at Gil's work with a VERY overheated car, waiting for a tow and trying to find a garage that fix it quick and then a hotel room that will take a cat since the guys are already at our place starting the demolition of the bathroom. By the time we got there the cat was a MESS.
Anyway we managed to get in at the Holiday Inn and Aimee drove us all over the place, god bless her because she is an amazing friend. It took 24 hours and $300 but the car is fixed. The only thing that isn't better is the house. They are no where NEAR finished so we had to go get a shower at Sara's place yesterday and then this morning before work. I had to get up ungodly early to get our stuff together to go to have a shower. I am not doing that again tomorrow. I will just sponge bath. I truly hate early. God willing they will finish up in the next day or so.
Anyway for the most part I have had a pretty good sense of humour about the whole thing. At least Gil wasn't shipped off to Nigeria like some of his other co-workers!! And the weekend did have some highlights, I got to spend lots of time with Aimee. I watched Horton Hears a Who which made me laugh so hard stuff almost came out my nose. The beds at the Holiday Inn were really comfy and the food was shockingly good. The cat was uber well behaved. We got to spend some time with the Orlando's, and I got myself a new HOT PINK RAZR phone. too freaking cool. So the weekend was by no stretch a write off.
On the other hand the bulk of my work day today sucked. I was WaY tired from being up so ungodly early. At lunch time I was having a liter of water and about halfway through I looked in and there was a fucking SPIDER smirking at me. I was SOOOO disgusted. I am not usually all girly about bugs but I can't deal with them in my bed or near my mouth or nose. I think almost swallowing one counts as fucking icky!!! So that kinda ruined lunch, I was pretty much a big icky mess for the rest of the afternoon. Then I had the client from hell who was SOOOOO rude to me for performing my job correctly. I hate that. I am damn good at my job. As far as customer service goes I am a 5 star general. So I hate it when people treat me like dirt. Especially when they know they are in the wrong. The people I am dealing with are primarily in the service industry, they should know better, they should extend professional courtesy. when I am out and I am a consumer I am super nice to people because I KNOW what is like. I expect the same. Especially when they KNOW I am just doing my job.
Anyway I rant... It is late and this loony is getting pretty sleepy. Have a great tomorrow!

One week closer....

Well we just finished our 7th pre-adoption class. This brings us one week closer to bringing a child into our home. I am excited and scared and all of the above. Gil of course remains... difficult to read. There is SO much going on at the moment. Aimee's wedding, getting ready to move, I am really starting feel like life is coming together. It is exciting. This is what I have always wanted.

What kind of parent do I want to be?

I want to be patient

I want to our child to be a good eater

I want either Gil or I to read to our child every night

I want our child to be respectful

I want to play with our child

I want our child to play outside

I don’t want to our child to be a TV junkie

I don’t want to be a yeller

I don’t want to fight with Gil in front of our child

I don’t want our child to think that Gil and I are perfect

I want to be supportive

I want to continue to socialize with my friends

I want to eat dinner, at the table, as a family

I want our child to be involved in activities but not OVER involved

I want to be supportive

I want to be a firm disciplinarian

I want to be consistent

I want to be fair

I want to be involved in our child’s schooling

I want to teach our child to be generous

I want to teach our child to be tolerant

I want to teach our child to stand up for them self

I want to teach our child to stand up for others

I want to encourage our child to be adventurous

I want our child to know that home is always a safe place to come to no matter what

I want our child to value family

I want to write letters, cards and journals for our child

I want to instill in our child sense of tradition

I want to teach our child to have good manners

I want our child to really enjoy holidays

I want to vacation as a family

I want to sometimes go away with just Gil while our child “vacations” with family

I want to include our child’s friends in activities when possible

I want to ensure that our child spends quality one on one time with both of us separately

I don’t want to make our child fearful of the world

I want to be honest with our child about the unique circumstances of our family

I don’t want to burden our child with my problems

I want to teach our child to live “greenly”

I want our child to spend lots of time with a diverse group of our friends

I want our child to spend lots of time with their grandparents on both sides

I want to take LOTS of pictures of our child but not staged Walmart pictures

I don’t want our child to ever have to question how much I love them; even when I am not happy with them

Oh yeah!!! Good news at last!

Okay boys and girls I finally have some good news to share. As I mentioned several weeks ago I have a mass that was the cause of some concern. I have been a woman on the edge for sometime. I was really fucking scared. Yesterday we had an appointment with Doctor Lee who I could have kissed when she told me that the tumor is totally benign. It is very close to my urethra so they can't safely remove it with out some danger to the area so they are just going to leave it unless it starts to cause a problem. I am so excited, I am so happy. I am SOOOO happy! yeah!

Thoughts on Loss...

My very first memory is of my Mother walking away. I can still see her clearly, as from my Father's front window, walking determinedly down the path leading from the house. I wailed in anguish as my whole heart broke from missing her. This was not to be a permanent separation but still a potent omen of things to come. As first memories go this was catastrophic. It set in motion a truism that would follow me through most of my life; people you love leave you.

Of the millions of tiny footprints my mother left on my life her death is the deepest. It penetrates everything. The hole left behind is so vast, so immense that nothing can fill it. And emptiness is its own feeling. There were times I prayed to feel anything but that emptiness, this lead to cutting, to drugs, and to obsessive relationships.

My chest hurts merely thinking about this; there is a tightness that grips me, spreading down into my arms. That old familiar feeling; a cross between numbness and tingling and ache that screams at me to touch it. The problem is of course that a touch is not enough, it never is. A simple touch just won’t do, it doesn’t get past the numbness so touch progresses to pinch, pinch to scratch, and so on. I have trained my self to apply firm but gentle massage to my forearms at those times and eventually the feeling passes. I often wonder if I am a freak or if other former “cutters” still feel this way.

I spent a good chunk of yesterday with Michelle and it was wonderful. She is so strong and I have nothing but admiration for her. We talked, we laughed, we cried some. And talking to her made some of my own fears recess a little. I still think about what I would do if something happened to Gil way too much but in a way that has spurned us in to action. making sure we have things like life insurance and wills and making sure we know what each other wants for after they are dead. We both want to be cremated and to have our organs donated. We haven't decided on a final resting place but we have started talking about it which is important. We can't be scared to talk about these things. It is the not talking that feeds the fear. I don't want what happened to Michelle to ever happened to me but if it does I want to have things in place, fall back plans.

Our Story...

Gil and I met (we believe) in 1999 or early 2000. We met through mutual friends and quickly became friends our selves. At the time Gil was involved in a serious relationship and I was recovering from a serious on and off again relationship. Over the next two years our friendship grew until we were “best buds”. We had stuck by each other through failed relationships, major life changes, financial woes and mental health issues. When I found myself suddenly without an apartment Gil said he wouldn’t mind a roommate until I could get on my feet. In this time we got to know the best and worst of each other and we eventually came to see what was right under our noses, that as such good friends we would also make good partners. This was not a seamless transition and like most new romances we had a few hiccups at the beginning but they made us stronger and gave us lots of fodder for future laughter.

As a couple we have never not lived together which I think in many respects expedited our relationship, and within the first year we knew that we were both committed to a future and family together. Even so we felt no need to rush into marriage and waited until it really felt like the right time for both of us before venturing down that path. In the mean time we built on the great friendship that already existed to build a strong relationship; one that could survive a hurricane, a flood, living with his parents, psychotic land lords, unemployment, winter depression, sick pets, my father’s heart attack, the occasional crazy fight, both of our families, multiple moves and planning a wedding. From early on we had a mutual understanding that romantic love was nice and certainly has its place but the source of our power is our friendship. I can say very honestly that Gil is the best friend I have, likely the best friend I have ever had. When I hear something funny, when something strange happens, when I feel like the universe is bullying me it is Gil who gets the first call. When I have a difficult decision for make it is Gil whose opinion I seek. It’s Gil I want to share my experiences with, who can make me laugh no matter how glum I am, who I know will just “get” what I mean. What I really love about our friendship is how it keeps growing and changing. We are the same in lots of ways; we are both youngest children, we both grew up with fathers who had drinking problems (his recovered, mine not so much), we both moved a lot as children, we both went to SMU, and over the years our paths crossed hundreds of times without ever meeting. However for all our similarities we are VERY different from each other; our strengths and our weaknesses. Our political and religious views, our taste in music. Where he is patient and calm, I am high strung and neurotic. Where he exhibits a reserved social shyness, I can speak with anyone easily. He cooks, I burn. He could read a physics text book for fun (and understand it!) where as I have no brain for math or science. Gil is happy to stay at home and hang out and I am social butterfly always looking for my next adventure. These differences keep us both learning and growing. They have taught us the fine art of comprise; when to give a little, when to give a lot and when to dig in our heels and not give at all. Because we both have very different interests we can go away and do our own thing but always enjoy coming back to each other to share our experiences; we even included that in our wedding vows. It is very important to both of that our sense of individuality remains intact, that in blending our lives we didn’t blend our personalities. This has been especially important to me as I have learned so much about myself, about my capabilities, I learned that I can be comfortable on my own, doing my own thing and that I don’t need Gil to take care of me but it is okay to like it when he does.

Gil and I don’t always get along; sometime we get on each others nerves. We don’t always agree with each other; some things we will never agree on. Some days we don’t even like each other all that much; those days are few and far between. This is okay with us. We don’t have to be perfect all the time. People bug each other from time to time, it happens. You can’t live with a person, socialize with a person, and carpool with a person without periodically bumping heads. Some things are easily resolved, whose turn it is to clean the litter box (mine!), who left the toilet seat up (him!). Other issues will plague us all the days of our lives; who leaves “sock bombs” all over the house (me!) or who stayed up way too late playing video games (him!). It is not just the problems that test the marriage it is how you deal with them. I have learned that I am never going to get Gil to sit down and spill out all his emotions to me. He has learned that I will never stop doing that. I have learned that if I want an answer to a question I should just ask outright, Gil doesn’t get it when I beat around the bush and he doesn’t like it when I am coy. Gil has learned that sometimes I have problems expressing myself verbally and I get frustrated so he needs to be patient. But we haven’t come up against a problem in the last six years that we could not find our way past. As I said sometimes we compromise and other times we dig in but always with the preservation of our relationship in mind. I once told a friend that I put as much or more work into maintaining my relationship as I do my job and her response was that a relationship shouldn’t be work. I can see where she is coming from but she is wrong. Relationships are not self maintaining. They are like gardens. They look beautiful when they start but if you neglect them weeds take over and choke off all your beautiful plants. Gardens need to be tended to, weeds need to be pulled, plants fertilized and watered and if you come from my school of thought sung and talked to. Relationships need all those things too. There is no magic relationship fairy who comes along and waves along and fixes everything. Everyday I try and make sure Gil knows how much I love him. Everyday I try and make sure he knows how much I appreciate everything he does for our family. Everyday I try and remember why I married him in the first place and build on that. Some days I fail at those goals. Some days I bet he wonders why he married me in the first place. But the point is everyday I try... and I know he does too.

and I guess that's all I have to say about that.

I WIN!!

Not that I am gloating because I wouldn't do that because how immature would that be? But I WIN, I WIN, I WIN!!! A stood up to her Mother and I am her Maid of Honor. I am proud of her. As I said it was NEVER about me wanting to be the Maid. It was about .... about.... about the fact that woman was mean to me and I didn't deserve it. yeah so there....

Saturday morning bliss...

The house is a little too cold for my liking, I turned the heat off too early again this year, I was fooled by spring again. Those two weeks of warmth and sunshine lulled me into a false sense of security, I forgot the basics, I live in Nova Scotia. However the hot tea is helping to warm my hands and my innards. My feet are warming in the knitted slippers and I have stolen the "brother sweater" from Gil's side of the closet and I am wearing it like a hug. I am not always a practical dresser but with age I am learning the subtle art of layering, of not turning up the heat because I am cold. This house has taught me much about warmth. At the moment it is teaching me about silence, how there is no such thing. The hum of the computer, the trickle of the cats water fountain, the keys clicking beneath my fingers. And yet there is such stillness while the cat and the husband sleep, huddled beneath the covers together, sharing their body heat. I wish it could be like this every morning. Mornings like this my fears are squished back into the very back of my mind, everything seems safe and steady. Time is not flying past me at speeds I can't manage. Up early in the gray light of dawn I snuck out with my girls to the market where I enjoyed hot coffee, warm cinnamon buns, and the therapeutic company of girl friends. I came home with a bag laden with breads and cheese and meat and a pervasive feeling of calm, the house still quiet and dark. While I know there are errands to be run today I am certainly in no hurry to break this reverie.

More thoughts!

I saw Michelle yesterday. I held her while she cried. I listened to her anger. I watched her hold it together and be a parent. I watched her breath, blink and exist. And I wonder how the hell she does it? How does she pick herself off the floor? How does she draw that next breath? How does she look in the eyes of her children and not die of a broken heart. Where does she find the strength? Does she hate God because the sun came up today? Because people went and got groceries and walked their kids to school, kissed their husbands good morning and now good night. Because I would die, I would go super nova. I am so sad for her and i have so much respect for her. Friday is going to be such a hard day.

Terrible Day...

I don't even know where to start. I was feeling pretty good today. The sun was shinning and everything was great. Gil and I had breakfast together before we went to work. It was a good day. Then Gil called. He had a call at work from my friends Michelle's mom. It seems that some time last night her husbands car went off the road and he was killed. The news is reporting that alcohol may have been a factor. I don't know if I believe that. What I do know is that Michelle is the same age as me. She has two young children. She is a widow. A widow. How the fuck is that possible? I feel like my faith in marriage not my marriage mind but as a whole. So many people I know are struggling in their relationships. Three couples who were married around the same time Gil and I are separated and or getting a divorce. It hasn't even been TWO years. And now Kevin is dead. and that could happen to anyone. I have been having a huge amount death anxiety since I found my lump but it has been about me. My fears. I know we all are all going to die someday but it scared the shit out of me. I don't know what I would do if I were Michelle. If something happened to Gil I would be shattered. And now I am afraid. I don't want to become one of those people is so afraid they stop living. I don't want that for myself or my family.
I want to be alive in every sense. And I want to be a good friend to Michelle when she needs me. Sometimes I get this whole deer in the headlights going on in times of need. It is a failing of mine as a friend. It has happened more then once and it is not something I like about myself. I would like very much to change that part of me.

And thus it begins...

I know that it is three months until we move but packing started today. It doesn't seem possible that we have been here two and half years. It feels like I was just packing to move here. Of course then I only had three WEEKS to pack. I was SO stressed I thought I was going to explode. I hope that does not happen this time. It is very hard to have all your stuff in boxes and have boxes piled up all around. I love being in a new place, especially this time knowing that is OUR home, but I hate all the hoopla that goes with it. I am also starting to purge, to throw out things that we no longer need, things we need not hold on to, things that are a bigger pain to move then they are worth. We got rid of the big TV that hardly ever works. We also got rid of the 5 disc CD changer that we never even plugged in.
I want to get rid of more stuff but some of it is hard to part with even though it is just weighing me down. I am thinking about taking some of my old journals up to New Brunswick and throwing them in a bonfire. I don't really need them anymore. I used to think I wanted to keep them because I wanted my children to know all about me. But as I get older, as I look back on that me who was so fucked up, who was so lonely and so hurt and so full of rage and I think I don't want my children to know her. I want them to know more about me then I know about my own mother but I want it to be passed through the mom filter first. They don't need to know all the gory details. And I don't have to be be burdened with the memories they contain. What is in there that can help me now, that can make me a better wife, a better mother? No. Plain and simple. There is nothing there that can bring me happiness so when not watch it all burn which frankly will give me great pleasure. I love watching things burn! I think I will also burn the court transcripts and everything related to that and maybe some old letters too. We'll make an event of it. Let this whole thing be a fresh start.

Stuff...

So there has been no resolution about the whole wedding situation but I don't really want to talk about that, it is still to painful and there is so much more going on in my life at the moment.
For example Gil and I bought a house!!! YAY!!!


I am so excited. We don't move until July but I am loving it so much. I have so many plans and dreams. There is so much to do and I look forward to having some time to get things together rather then rush we had last time.
There was a week or so when things were SUPER stressful but over all it has been fun and much easier then planning a wedding. this is going to be the house we call home, where we raise our children, where we grow old together. This is our Home. We are the Richard's of Hilltop Terrace.
I am going to garden and get a dog and paint and dance around.
That is of course providing that the mass I found is not cancer. Yup. I have a mass, the doctor confirmed it and I am waiting to see someone else. I am scared. I admit it. After a few days of Gil being very passive about the whole thing I finally got him to have a real conversation and he acknowledged my fears and his own and we have a plan and it is a good one. I am scared but I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. There are moments when I am consumed but fear, when I can't move or breath or call to Gil for help because my voice is gone. I don't know what scares me more the thought of dying of the thought of being seriously ill but both sound sucky. But I will keep trying to think positive. I will focus on my husband and our new house. Until I have cause not to I will keep up with the adoption prep classes. I will continue my volunteer work with Habitat for Humanity. I will look forward to all the wonderful things my life has to offer and maybe this will be a wake up call for me to simplify and prioritize things.
I am pretty tough!

Happy

Somehow I managed to get enough sleep last night that I woke up feeling refreshed (although a little panicked as I was late for an MSN date with Shannon) I made some tea, read some adoption blogs, chatted with some mates online. I woke Gilly and we went out to run some errands, which included buying me a baseball bat for protection when he is out of town on business (okay it is a little lame but it does make me feel better) and eating chili dogs. We got to have coffee at Starbuck's but Gilly came down with a headache and decided he felt too poopy to go to the Maple Syrup festival. Rather then getting all sulky I was FINE. We came home and sent him to bed for a nap (where he still is). I spent the afternoon reading and drinking coffee and feeling... you guessed it... relaxed! It happened all on it's own. How cool is that? We are spending the night geeking and I am very excited about that. I am having a great day. YAY!

the MELT down...

So last night I just lost it. Not normal losing it but HUGE losing it. I had a hard day. I was angry at Gil from pretty much the time we woke up. Poor pooper couldn't catch a break. We were mean and snarky to each other all day. Then in the afternoon when I had a terrible headache (again) he called to tell me that he is going to be out of town on business on the 2nd and 3rd. Normally I live for this stuff. Just for a night or so I love it when I get the whole house to myself, the whole BED, it is fun, it is nice to miss each other. But THIS time it means that he will be missing our first Adoption prep class. This makes me insane. I know it is not his fault and that he would change the dates if he could but I am still pissed at HIM. So on the way home there is more snarking. We get home and it gets worse. I am tired, probably PMSing and unhappy with how this day is turning out. I say something to Gil, he responds with a smartass remark which is framed to just dent my feelings a little but I LOSE it. I silently go up to the room and flop on the bed. Then my brain gets going a million miles an hour. Half and hour later when Gil comes to see how I am doing (because in his mind it is over) and I just erupt into the ugly cry. There are tears and snot everywhere. I am speaking but the words are just coming out in sobs. I tell him that he doesn't love me because he never shares his feelings with me, that I am such a terrible mother I shouldn't even have a cat. That I will NEVER have a baby and probably don't want one anyway. I tell him that no one understands because they don't have to take these terrible pills and feel all crazy and know that it is their fault we can't make a baby and then I just bawled more. I bawled until my face hurt and he just sat there rubbing my back calm as can be. He is so cool under pressure. Anyway in hind sight I could have seen that coming, it has been a big week. I never do well with big weeks. We have started looking at houses and I totally fell in love with one. Gil's ex added him as a friend on fbook and I had a weird PMSy reaction to that when I thought I would be fine with it. We were out of the house ALL week. I swear we did not eat dinner here once this week. It was a VERY stressful week at work and that was starting to wear on me. All this is usually a recipe for disaster.
I was happy tonight, despite me serious hate on for winter at the moment, that it was too nasty to go out tonight so it has been a very quiet night in, just Gil and I (with brief visits from Aimee and Brianna) Gil is happily blowing stuff up and I am reading and had a LONG bath. This is just what the doctor prescribed.

Deep Brain Ache.

Tonight I am feeling like a wet rag. I have be plagued by headache all day and I am not exhausted. I can feel the sensitivity to light, sound and smell coming on and I know there is little I can do about it.
I have been saddled with headaches my whole life. I can't remember a time when they were not a problem but a few months ago I realized that I had been having them EVERY day for weeks and it was time I did something about it. I went to the doctor and she sent me for a CATscan. I don't have a tumor! Yay. I went to the optometrist, turns out I needed glasses rather badly. But they didn't stop the headaches. So I went to a chiropractor. My neck is all messed up and he thinks he can help me and for a while he does. But the past two weeks the constant dull ache is back. I am fed up. Headaches make me cranky, being cranky makes me no fun to be around. I want to be fun dammit!
Gil and I were out for dinner with a friend visiting from Toronto this evening but my head was pounding and I didn't want to be there, I KNOW I was lousy company. That sucks since we only see this guy once a year or so. He did crack me up though telling me a story about his roommates girlfriend from Scarborough who he met on Craig's List (gag) and who is a "dispatcher" for an escort agency. Only in Toronto man.
Well I am going to take my brain ache to bed, because sleep in a good dark room is the only relief I am going to get.

Okay okay pitty party over.

Let me just say this, it may not seem like it but I love my life. I bitch a lot on here about trying to get pregnant and it has been consuming me for a while however it is not everything and I do know that I am blessed in SO many ways. (1) I have an AMAZING husband. I love him more then I can ever describe with language. He might be the most incredible man on the planet and I feel sad so all the other women who don't get to be married to him. Does he drive me nutty? Sometimes. Does he out and out piss me off? From time to time. If he didn't I would be worried about our marriage. People who live together and socialize together and basically spend a lot of time together, they tick each other off from time to time. Having said that 98% of the time we get along great, he is actually my best friend. I don't mean that in a cheesy way. I mean he IS my best friend.
Okay blessing (2) I have the best group a friends anyone could ever ask for. I am not kidding, my friends are stellar. (3) I have a family who loves me and would do anything for me. The best part of this is that other then my two wonderful brothers, I was not born into this family but they love me anyway and I love them right back. (4) I live in a nice house filled with nice things. In a world so full of want I have everything I need. I am safe and warm and well fed. It is too easy to take that for granted but it is huge blessing. I have a good job, I get my Starbucks fix when ever I need it. I am free to practice or not practice what ever religion I choose. I have the right to vote. The world is pretty much my oyster. I am blessed. I just wanted you to know that I know this and that even when I am feeling lousy about trying to get pregnant I _DO_ see the bigger picture.

I wish I could just be pleased...

I haven't wanted to write about trying to get pregnant for a while, it seems like such a bummer but I have to say this. In the past few weeks it seems like EVERYONE is getting pregnant except me. I have had so many people tell me they were expecting or that they know some who is in the club. I smile, I hug, I congratulate, I silently die inside. SO many pregnant women! Teach me the secret hand shake! For the love of god! I am saying that this news is coming to me once or twice a week! I am being SO good. I am taking the folic acid, I am taking the pills that make me insane, I am eating right, not drinking, reading all the books, seeing the doctor more then I see some members of my family. I am trying to not think about, trying to relax. I swear to got the next person who tells me that I need to just relax and not think about it is getting a punch. I don't believe in violence but I can start. I am exercising, I am getting acupuncture, I am walking around with a stone in my belly button. I am visualizing. I am doing it. Dammit I want to stamp my feet and have a temper tantrum.
okay... I just needed to get that off my chest. Have a good day.

My Blended Family

People are always telling me that they need a road map to follow my family tree. I, of course, think it is fairly easy to navigate but then I have been doing it for 33 years. I have decided it is time to bust it down here.

My Mother, the woman who gave birth to me, was a lovely soul named Leone. She was born in Sydney Nova Scotia in 1940. She grew up... she met and married another lovely soul who we will call Uncle W. They lived in Montreal and had two children, my lovely, awesome brothers who we will refer to as MJ and DeeDee. Note: Here is my first set of siblings and the ONLY ones I know who are biologically related to me- Sadly for all this marriage did not last and while MJ and DeeDee were still very young Leone and Uncle W. divorced. Uncle W. went on to marry a woman who I adore whose name is frighteningly close to Leone's. She had Three children from a previous marriage, Gerry, Brian and Kim. Note:These are my brothers step-siblings but because of the nature of my family I consider these three people to be siblings.-

Leone, MJ and DeeDee moved to Nova Scotia where she took a job, as an RN,at the local nut house. There upon she my biological father. I want to call him ass face, but that is rude and I am grown-up so I will call him Jim. Jim and Leone hooked up. Leone had the misguided impression that she could save Jim despite the fact he was desperately, unalterably broken. One magic night , bing -boom, they made me. By the time nine months rolled by and I made my entrance on to the scene Jim and Leone's marriage had pretty much unraveled (shocking) and after months of bitter divorce and custody battle Jim and Leone divorced. Jim basically wandered into obscurity. When I met him 20 odd years later Jim told me that after Leone he was briefly married or lived with with a woman named Barbara who he left when she was pregnant (yeah what a charmer!) NOTE: I presume that she went ahead and had said child but I do not consider said child to be my sibling in any meaningful way.

Leone went on to marry Paul who she also met at the nut house, who was also desperately, unalterably broken. Paul had two children from a previous marriage, Sean and Kim. Note: I was raised believing Paul to be my biological father so naturally I counted Sean and Kim among my siblings and despite the fact that it was later learned that Paul was not my biological father and the fact that I have not seen them for more then twenty years i still count them in there.
Leone and Paul stayed unhappily married for 8ish years. Let's not mince words... they were not happy years. Their marriage ended when Leone died tragically at the age of 44 from breast cancer.
A few months after Leone passed away Paul's girlfriend moved in and some time later they married. I want to call her The Evil Bitch from Hell, but as I said earlier but that is rude and I am grown-up so I will just call her The
Evil Step-Mother. The Evil Step-Mother brought with her, along with all her other baggage, two Evil Step Sisters. Note: despite the fact that we lived under the same roof for several years and behaved as siblings I do not consider the Evil Step Sisters members of my family-.
On March the 8th 1988, at the age of thirteen I was taken into the care of Child Protection Services for reasons which we can talk about another day. I never went back.
I lived in a group home for most of my teen years. I lived with a LOT of girls over those years and while not siblings I consider most of them to be members of my family.
For a while I lived with some very kind and loving Foster Parents who tired very hard to make it work with me but I was in a bad place and it didn't work out. NOTE: They went on to have 4 children and have a very extensive extended family who have embraced me wholly and I consider them to be to be part of my extended family-.
In this time I also became best friends with Little Bits. Her family became mine, completely. Mother who I call Mom, Father who I call Dad, Brothers(3), Sisters(2), Step-Siblings (3), Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents who I call Grammy and Grampy, the whole lot of them took me lock, stock and all. I love them with my whole being, they are my family in every way that means anything.
My family is big and complex. I have two brothers with the same name, two sisters with the same name, two sisters with the same birth date, many of them have never even met each other; however there is so much love there, so much kindness. It might sounds like I have had a tough time of it, but imagine how lucky and loved I feel tucked inside this big blended family.

Meghan

PS- Now I get to call Gil's family mine too! Don't even get me started there. :)

The Ex Factor,

Okay enough baby talk for right now, on to another topic that his been on my mind lately. The exes. I love my husband very much, he is the delight of my universe and by any yard stick he is the most important person in my life, my most significant relationship. However he is not my only significant relationship and my adoration of him does not alter the history of my life or erase the previous men in my life. Nor should it. For good or for bad our past relationships shape our current ones. I can tell you now with 100% certainty that my relationship with PM has had a real and pertinent impact on what kind of wife and partner I am to Gil.
I have had many Ahh-ha moments over the years about my past relationships, about the nature and function of love. I learned that to really love someone means wanting what is best for them even when that is not you. I learned that it is more important to be honest with myself then with anyone else. I learned that it my happiness is my own responsibility. I also learned that you can love more then one person at a time. This is a concept that many people have a very hard time dealing with and I am not sure why. A mother of three does not love only one of her children. I do not love only one of my parents or my siblings. The human heart has an amazing capacity for love. This in no way means that feel a romantic attraction to any of my exes. I would not trade in my relationship with Gil for a single other man on this planet. But I refuse to believe love just ends out right. In some cases it morphs it's self into hate, or diminishes to indifference, but genuine love does not evaporate with the dissolution of a relationship. Loving someone else does not diminish what I give to my husband, does not lessen the intensity or scope of my love for him. I won't disgust you all we a pre-valentine gush about our love being bigger or better then all other loves in history, who am I to judge? But I will tell you that there is something special, even magical about my relationship with my husband. Long ago we came to understand that romantic love has a time and a place, that it has highs and lows. Friendship on the other hand, which is the basis for our love, our relationship, our partnership, that is a rock that can not shaken. The subtleties, the intricacies, the complex ebb and flow of our daily life, they seem so mundane but they are silk threads with which we weave our magic.
I have as ever gone completely of course. I have several exes in my life who I am very grateful for, some who I could have lived without. But they have and continue to shape me into the woman I today.
Now mister magic wants a chance to check his mail so I had better run. See, compromises, another gift I leaned from an ex!

I Laid An Egg!

I had very very good news at the doctors office today!! The clomid did what it was supposed to do. I didn't get pregnant but the egg was there! I have been given hope. I feel so good right now. Hope can keep me going for a while, hope can keep my spirits up. I know it is still possible that we won't conceive a baby, I know that. Gil is going next week to have his swimmers tested just as a precaution. It would suck for me to get everything in working condition only to find out Gil's swimmers didn't swim. If we don't get pregnant we are still looking strongly at adoption. I just
don't want to shut this door prematurely, I don't want to live with any regrets, any "what ifs". I am tired, I do hate the way that the clomid makes me feel but some sacrifices are worth making. Gil and I are still good and he is totally supporting me and my choices. I laid an egg. I don't know how to walk away from that!

More questions....

1.What level of openness am I able to handle, emotionally
2.Who am I willing to visit with? Both birth parents? Biological grandparents? Aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family? Friends of the birth parents

Questions I have about adoption?

1. Can I Christen/Baptize an older child who may have already been baptized by their birth parents?

2. If we adopt from Children's Aid isn't there a chance that the birth parents are local and we could at some point bump into them?

A frustrating time....

Well here we are again; hormonal, tired, over emotional. This cycle of Clomid has really taken a toll on me. I am exhausted. I don't know how to keep it up. I don't know how some women do this for years. I don't want every thing in my whole life to revolve around getting pregnant. My marriage is the most important relationship in my world. I don't want the process of having to have a child to have a negative impact on that. I would rather be married to Gil then have a baby. I don't think that Gil would leave me or anything, I mean don't get me wrong. But this treatment makes me crazy, it makes me insane, it makes me unhappy. When I am unhappy I am hard to live with. Really hard to live with. When I am hard to live with I make mistakes. I have fears. I want to be a mommy, more then just about anything. But there are lots of ways to meet that goal. I am 33 years old, I don't want to still be trying in 2 or 3 years and be an old mother, not when we can start our family soon through adoption. So we have started to lay the initial ground work. I have talked to a social worker and we are going to an information session next month and we will fill out more papers then. We have decided to have one more go on the Clomid and then after that no more "heroic measures". We will go full steam into adoption and then just have sex for fun and if we get pregnant then yay and if not we will have our other child/children.
So that is our choice, this is where we are going. yeah.

So here we are again in the middle of a fertility treatment cycle. At the moment my ovaries are doing the tango out my back. My emotions are ALL over the place. I am basically exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well. Gil and I are starting to talk about where we go from here if this Clomid cycle doesn't work. Do we go another round, do we go stronger? Do we have the time and money to take the next step? When does infertility lead into adoption? Can I adopt given my personal history? I have already been looking into some adoption information and it is a scary process.
I think that Gil and I would be great parents given the chance. I worry that I will always wonder about what it would be like to have my "own" baby. I worry that we might not be good enough parents for a child with special needs. I worry about being judged not good enough. I think that I need to get some sleep. I need to rest and clear my head. Tomorrow is Friday and hen on the weekend I can rest. I can try and get more perspective. I can keep trying to make a baby with my husband until we are little and old.

Today I am feeling old and busted. My back is aching and my joints are like an 80 year old woman. I am pmsy and I am exhausted and I am ready for a vacation that is not embroiled in "the season". I love Christmas, I really do but I always get to this point and just want it to be over. I feel torn between relaxing and squeezing in as MANY people as possible. Christmas should be a week long 7 whole days off. Shopping should be outlawed two weeks before. The week should be spent drinking hot chocolate or red wine and sitting buy a fire talking with friends. Dinning with family. Looking at lights with loved ones. I shouldn't feel like guilty for wishing people Merry Christmas. I shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying the religious aspect of the holiday. I am sorry people it is a fucking religious holiday. Pagan, Christian, Jewish, but religious no matter how you slice it. Get over. You want to have a commercial greed fest you go right ahead but don't shit on me for attempting to keep the spirit in the season. Okay I told you I was feeling pmsy. I am going to take my headache to bed and try and feel better in the morning.

Let ms be perfectly candid. Some days I hate my body. Some days it is because it does not look the way I want it to, or it doesn't look like it did ten years ago. Some days it is because I have aches and pains I think I am too young to have. And more recently it is because it is not doing what I have asked it to do. It is not, at least in part, performing the functions it was made for. I take this medicine which makes me crazy, which makes me cry, which makes me feel like 8 different kinds of ass and it is supposed to make the broken parts work. It didn't. IF I had gone to see Doctor Lee and she had said" sorry your not pregnant, try again next month" I would have taken that, I would have been disappointed but I know it is a numbers game. But to be told that the meds didn't work, that I still didn't ovulate... ARG! I am just so angry. All the things that I took to be symptoms of pregnancy we side effects of the clomid. I was fooled by that poison that is meant to be helping me. ASSHOLE!

Glarp!!

Okay I am a bit of a mess. I am frustrated. I am crazy. All I can think about is "Am I?" I am feeling weird. I am having the craziest reactions to smell. Every where I go there are smells assaulting viciously making me feel terrible. But what if that is all in my head. What if I am just going crazy? What if I just want to be pregnant so badly I am experiencing this weirdness?
It is almost Christmas and I want to enjoy the holidays but right ow I am not enjoying anything. I just want to be happy. I want to be normal. Dammit. Why does this have to be so hard? Yeah I am feeling sorry for myself. I know it. Maybe this mood is pms. I don't know. ARG. I think I am going to go bury myself in bed and Hero's. I hope I feel better soon.