Me and my shadow...

Here is a great example of one problem I encounter over and over again, I just can't get away from it, my shadow.
Craig told me early on to position myself so that I am not casting a shadow across my subject but time after time I ruin a great shot the same way.

Paw Paw March 2009

Oh my heart sings when I see this. I love this little paw. I love it's warm, dry Dorito smell. I love the way it prods at me when I am trying to sleep. I have such a warm feeling in my heart when I look at this picture. It makes me want to grab a kitty and snuggle. I think I will do that right now.

Boats August 2007

There is water in my blood and when I make a picture like this it is hard for my to deny. I don't know the first thing about sailing but boats and water are some of my favorite subjects. When I look at this picture I feel like the moment is bursting with possible adventure. This is just the calm before, this is the delicious anticipation. This means business.

Red Wine - October 2006

This was the beginning of my playing with macro phase, which of course I have not get out grown. The wine we are drinking is left over from our wedding as it is only a few weeks later. When I look at this picture I feel warm and nostalgic. It is certainly not my best shot ever but it was when I started to feel like I could really make a picture. Also it makes me crave Sunday afternoon, good cheese and red wine.

Public Gardens May 2009

Way back in May we had a stretch of fine weather. It was awesome. One day after work I wandered over to the Public Gardens with my trusting little Canon PowerShot A560 and started snap some pictures. There were lots of flowers, I love flowers. But on my way out of the gate I snapped this one and it turned out to be my favorite of the day I think. I love the colours, they make me feel energized. What do you think?

Cap Pele July 2008

It is hard for me to explain how I feel when I see this.
Breathless, graceful, proud, certain of my faith and relaxed all at the same time. Until I met Gil, until we began our routine treks to to the Acadian heartland, until I came to this shore I never had a place that truly felt like family, like home. It doesn't matter that half the time I don't understand a lick of what is being said to me. It doesn't matter that I can't trace a drop of my own heritage to these warm Northumberland shores. Here in this easy place with it's easy pace and profound beauty my soul has found a resting place.

I love today

Today was a good day. I have a headache now and the kitchen is a mess but I am still very happy.

Random...

Okay so I planted the herbs. They grew. In fact they are huge. Now what?
I am guessing there is some process to harvesting them. I know I should use them for cooking. Hmmm cooking, there is a good idea; we have been doing so little lately. Let’s face it we are lazy. Because we don’t do prep work, like say taking something out of the freezer to thaw the night before, we end up after work with no plan, a frozen hunk of chicken thighs and too hungry mean peoples. So we end up ordering in or running out and grabbing something. Which in the long run has to cost a lot more money, plus we end up throwing out a load of food every week. AND it is not as good for us. I would really like to change this behaviour. I think it can be done. I think that we both need to learn a little more self discipline, me especially since I often think that Gil is just going along to stop my bitchy hungry whinging. And the truth is I always feel better, happier, and healthier when we are eating at home. AND I actually enjoying being in the kitchen which is something I never thought I would say. I have a ton of recipes book marked on the computer that I am dying to try, really at the end of the day it is just a matter of motivation, why is that part so hard?
Why does living a healthy life seem so much like work to me? I mean it is not like this means I can never have a nice meal out, nor does it mean I can never have a glass of pop or some chips, it just means these things need to be done in moderation. Actually the pop thing is going pretty good. I am pleased on the account. We are both drinking a LOT more water. One of the 18 litre bottles for the cooler is averaging two weeks. That is 9 litres a week between the two of us or roughly 1.3 litres a day each, not counting what we drink out and about. Yay us! Actually back to the herbs for a moment I have read about people who make their own flavoured water by adding herbs to it, I might try that. With the mint, not the chives, ‘cause that just sounds gross.
Okay so what I need is a plan of action that doesn’t make my inner spoiled princess stomp her feet until she takes over. A plan that means we are using the groceries we buy but not waiting until 7:30 to eat when everyone has gotten cranky and mean. This is going to HAVE to include some meal planning. Flying by the seat of your pants is fun but usually where things tend to go awry. It also means I have to set aside some time each evening, half an hour or so where I do meal prep for the next day. LOTS of things can be done in advance. Things can be defrosted, chopped, boiled... you get the picture. Heck I have a great slow cooker, I really should be using that more.
Of course another part of this whole plan need to be having a clean kitchen to work in. A dirty kitchen is a huge deterrent and a convenient excuse for not getting down to business. In order to have a nice clean kitchen I have to stop fluttering and really start FLYing again (www.flylady.net) I was doing good for a long time but as so often happens with me I fell off and could not/would not pick myself up again. I don’t know why. It is such a good system and I am SOOOOOO happy when my house is clean. And I don’t mean pass a white glove test clean, I just mean things put away, not tripping over things, not embarrassed when people come over, not hunting for my underwear at 5:30am clean. And it is so easy when I follow the FLYlady. I know I will never live in a Martha Stewart house, that is just not me, and I probably wouldn’t want to, you would have to walk around on egg shells being careful not to disturb anything, but I would like a little Martha, a lot of FLYlady and a dose of Rachel Ray thrown in there. I think if I can find the right routine I can do this. Nix that if I can find the right routine and not get thrown off at the first bump. Because that is my real problem. I will be chugging along working a routine like a champ but when something disruptive comes along, like a cold or a new job or a house guest... ZAP! Bye bye routine. And then I just ... well I just don’t get back up. Who knows why?! Because god knows I am happier and easier to live with when I am on a routine, a schedule . Bumps come along, I have to learn to roll with them. That goes for my whole darn life. If you asked my loving husband what upsets me the very most he would tell you “the plan changing” then he would probably shudder and weep a lone tear. Because folks, the plan changes ALL THE TIME!!! Which means on a very regular basis I am totally thrown and don’t deal well. And poor Gil is often the focus of my frustration when that happens. It is so unfair to him. I know I am never going to be totally laid back and cool, I am just not made that way. I look at my eldest brother and I know that it is something that I must come by naturally because he hates it when the plan changes too. Of course he deals with it so much better. I need to take lessons from him. Geesh, talk about things I never thought I would say. I should point out at this point that this is also a man whose house is ALWAYS spotless. Always. I mean it. It is kind of sickening. Hey has stopped just shy of covering his furniture with plastic. (can you say OCD?) Yup I wish I could be more like him in lots of ways.
So where do I start? Well today I go back to the baby steps that the FLYlady taught me. That is best place to go back to. Also when the vegetable fairy comes I am going to harangue my awesome husband into making a meal plan with me. I can do this. I just need to take one baby step at a time. Wish me luck!

Geesh who thought wondering what to do with my herbs would lead here? Gotta love my train of thought. Have a great day.

Yay!

Sitting here at 5pm on Friday afternoon, lapping up the sun, enjoying a beer and playing on my new laptop. Seriously, does life get any better than this?? Gilly is going to BBQ us some dinner. I have nothing on the go tonight except maybe putting some laundry away. I am a happy duckling. Actually I have basically nothing going on all weekend. Really this is the kind of weekend I live for. I will garden, I will putter around the house, I will play with my new toy guilt free. No one expects me to be anywhere at any given time. Yup. This is the life.

Shannon is home!

It has been a long busy week in my universe. Preparing for Shannon to arrive, waiting for Shannon to arrive, jumping up and down while Shannon arrived on a very late flight, on a week night. Getting by on 4 hours of sleep and then hosting a party for our new arrived guest. Of course we stayed up way late and imbibed much libation. I was feisty and tipsy. Then today we had a day packed with friends, brunching and shopping. We tried to stay awake tonight to watch a movie but I think Shannon was asleep before the opening credits were done rolling, poor darling, it must be rough to be all disjointed in time. Me, I am over tired of course, up much too late several nights in a row but I am so happy. Today we had brunch at the Celtic. It was me, Gil, Shannon, Aimee and John Boy and I felt total contentment.

Sugar High

Have you ever had so much sugar that you felt drunk? How about had a hangover from it the next day? This is basically where I am at the moment. Minus the spins thank god. But I am certainly feeling like there were foreign invaders in my blood steam last night. We had SO much fun. We hosted a S'mores night. A few weeks ago Aimee and I were making S'mores on the BBQ and we started thinking off all the silly and creative ways we could make S'more other then the traditional method. And thus the idea was born. We invited a bunch of friends and every one brought something to contribute. I have never seen more forms of sugar in one place out side of a candy store in my life. People got really creative and fun. The little kids had a blast and then ran in circles around the yard which was a good thing. Only two ate until they felt ill. The adults also had a ton of fun. Everyone got so creative with this. And the rain held off so we sat outside most of the night. We saw lots of people who we don't get to see nearly often enough including DOUG! who moved home to Hamilton six months ago but I haven't seen in a decade! (it is is very reassuring to know fyi that awesome people don't change in their awesomeness, they just get better)
The whole thing only lasted about six hours but I feel like we have great memories for a life time.
We loved it so much we are thinking about doing it again in August. Too bad I won't be able to eat sugar again until then...urg... the sugar hangover ....
Have a wonderful day every one.

Saturday chill out...

Someone asked me if I have big plans for the weekend and I said no and they said that is too bad. and I said NO WAY! It is awesome. I love that the plans for this weekend are totally minimal. Why are plans on the weekend so darned important? My week is spent running like a wild child from one important task to the next, I pretty much fall into a coma every night at 9:30 because I am exhausted. Why oh why do I need to do that to my weekend? Today I have talked on the phone for darn near two hours with a friend I haven't talked to in ages, drank two cup of tea, caught up on a blog I love to read, cleaned my belly button and been browbeaten into giving my cats gooshy food. Oh and I threw in a load of laundry, but that is not work, that is me totally gaga in love with my new washer and dryer. The laundry was pure hedonistic pleasure, clean laundry was just gravy. Why would I want to change anything about today?

Creep

Well I have been absent too long yet again. And I couldn't keep up the question thing. Raise your hand if you are surprised. Wait, hey you in the back...yeah you with your hand raised! You must not know me very well. I am the Queen. The Queen of not following through. There is so little in my life that I have actually started and finished. I my wake lay dozens of gym memberships, craft projects, health kicks, and a university degree, even a previous blog!
I would like to change this about myself. I would like to be the follow through girl. But I don' think it is in my cards. But I will try because it is the right thing to do.
You know I have been sitting here for more then an hour now I have been completely distracted... I hope you don't mind but I am going to make a cup of tea to ease my sore throat, and then I am going to lay on the sofa and have a nap. I'll be back

Question 11.

If you could be an animal, any animal, what animal would you be and why?

Oh geez, these ones are getting a little tedious! Who created this list?! Oh yeah right I grabbed it off the internet and it was originally intended to help ASL students with their conversational skills. I get what I paid for I guess.
Okay well turtle are my favorite animal but I don't know that I would want to be one. All that cold water and and dirt doesn't appeal to me. Cats however have the life. I mean really, my cats are spoiled rotten. They find a warm spot and then they nap, they eat and they nap, they chase each other for a moment and then nap, they get snuggles and nap. Of yeah, I would be an indoor house cat for sure. With the proviso that I had a good human who took good care of me and cleaned my litter box a lot. Yup, I might trade it all in for that right now. But since I can't I am just going to go chase my tail for a while then have a nap.

Question 10... can you believe I made it to ten?

Okay so at the moment I am living the dream. Out on the deck, in the dark drinking a glass of wine, and my husband has done the dishes. Every day should be as good as today.

If you could be a super-hero, which one would you be?
Okay do you mean an existing Super hero or do I get to create my own? Because I could totally design my own. If I had to pick an existing on I would totally go old school Wonder Woman. She is the shit. I mean really, how could you not want to be Wonder Woman?
If I got to design myself... I would either be "The Green-Wave" and my special ability... turning traffic lights! or... "Magic Kisses" so I could really make boo-boo's better. Is that too boring? Am I boring you? Are you sleeping??

Question 9!

If you could be a plant, what would you choose to be?

Now this is more my style. Of course I love plants so it is easier for me then birds, I am little phobic about birds.
Anyway I am not going to pick anything fancy or crazy. I am more like a Black Eyed Susan. Beautiful, but common and down to earth. Strong and able to thrive just about anywhere.

Is that vane?

Question 8....

If you could be a bird, what would you choose to be?

Hmm I feel like I in a really bad job interview. I didn't know how to answer this so I turned to Mr.Google to see if I could find a bird that spoke to me. And the truth is I couldn't. I just can't see myself as a bird. So I pick Penguin because I don't think they see themselves as birds either.
Okay this was a boring one. sorry.

Question Seven...

If you could ask God any one question, what would it be?
Oh my! One question?! Well I guess that depends. Does this mean God is going to actually ANSWER one question? Because I ask questions all the time. If he/she/it is going to ANSWER the question then I guess I don't have to ask if he/she/it exists do I?! After that I everything seems small. I want to know if there is an after life. I want to know if I will go on in someway. My big fear about death is that I will be alone and it will be dark. Forever. I know it is unreasonable but that is how I feel.
Of course I probably would just totally blank and end up asking God if he/she/it likes stuff. Lame.

Question Six...

If you bumped your car into another car, but nobody saw you do it, would you leave your name and address?

oh dear. what can I tell you. I am so embarrassed to admit that the once I dinged a persons car and left no note or information. I was getting in the passenger side, it was a very windy day, the wind took the door and slammed it in to the car next to us. there was definitely some damage to the paint. I really feel bad about that. In retrospect I would not do the same thing. It is a dirt bag move. Now you know my secret. I hope you don't think that much less of me.

Question Five and more....

Sorry I dropped off the face of the earth. I got busy. You knew it would happen sooner or later. Frankly I was surprised I did it four days in a row. Anywho, lets look at question five.
If one song were to describe your life, what song would it be? Well this really requires some thought on my part. I believe people have sound tracks to their lives. I believe in theme songs. I certainly to believe in the power of music to speak to the human soul. But ONE song to define a whole life? One song keeps popping into my head and I think it is so trite but I examine the words and they just fit. The song is "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. Like I said it is trite but I can't help but feel the words. "As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive"

Question four....

If the whole world were listening, what would you say?

oh yet another easy one. "Be nice to each other!!"

Question three..

If someone's underwear was showing, would you tell them?

Well it seems that today showing ones underwear is part of a fashion statement, not one I agree with or follow but a statement nonetheless. I can't help but thing of great the Simpson's quote "Your epidermis is showing!" I don't think I would point out to many people that there undergarments were disable to the public. My husbands manties certainly. My closest friends, sure with a little good natured mocking. Other wise I am keeping my trap shut .
For what it is worth I do ofter see the dainties of perfect strangers. At the hospital is is totally normal to walk around in all manner of disrobed splendor. It is like walking through the doors gives you a license to leave your modesty at the curbside. In someways I find it very funny, comforting and relaxing. In other ways I don't like seeing strangers asses. What can you do when you live in a zoo? Or shoe? or flu?
Okay I must be getting punchy now. Time to say bye-bye.
See you tomorrow.

Question two..

If a classmate asked you for the answer to a question during an exam while the teacher was not looking, what would you do?

This one is easy. I would ignore the classmate in question. Nothing and no one is worth risking my academic career. End of story. If the asking continued I would ask to be moved. I know that sounds so black and white but in my advancing years my feelings about these things get stronger and clearer.

Question One...

If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?

Okay this is a pretty tough one for me because I have such an overwhelming fear of death to begin with. Maybe it would be easier if You knew for sure it was going to happen in 24 hours and there was nothing you could do about it. Anyway,I digress. I would not sleep for 24 hours. I would want to squeeze as much time in as possible. I would want to touch base with all the people who mean the most to me, tell them that I love them. Ask forgiveness from those I feel I need it from. And then I would spend time with my husband. We would kiss and hug and talk about everything. We would have a wonderful meal and take a long walk holding hands. I would ask him to have a shower with me and wash my hair. I would put on something clean and comfortable and then I would ask him to hold me until the end.

Now I am crying. Great thought exercise. Now I have to go kiss my husband.

A question a day ....

Because my blog has been a bit boring lately here is a little thought exercise for myself.

1.If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
2.If a classmate asked you for the answer to a question during an exam while the teacher was not looking, what would you do?
3.If someone's underwear was showing, would you tell them?
4. If the whole world were listening, what would you say?
5. If one song were to describe your life, what song would it be?
6. If you bumped your car into another car, but nobody saw you do it, would you leave your name and address?
7. If you could ask God any one question, what would it be?
8. If you could be a bird, what would you choose to be?
9. If you could be a plant, what would you choose to be?
10. If you could be a super-hero, which one would you be?
11. If you could be an animal, any animal, what animal would you be and why?

14. If you could be another man or woman for a day, who would you choose?
15. If you could be another person for a day, who would you be?
16. If you could be invisible for a day what would you do and why?
17. If you could change one thing about your spouse or significant other, what would it be?
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
19 If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?
20. If you could choose how you were going to die, what would you choose your death to be?
21. If you could choose to live on a different planet, which one would you choose?
22. If you could commit any crime and get away with it, what would you do?
23. If you could date a celebrity, who would you choose?
24. If you could have only one food for the rest of your life (assuming that this strange situation would not affect your health), which food would you choose?
25. If you could hear what someone is thinking for a day, who would you choose?
26. If you could live anywhere, where would you live?
27. If you could meet any famous person, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
28. If you could speak any other language (besides English) which language would you like to speak?
29. If you could spend a day with any celebrity, who would it be and what questions would you ask that person?
30. If you could take a vacation anywhere in the world for any length of time, where would you go?
31.If you could travel back in time, where would you go?
32. If you didn't have enough money to get the bus home what would you do?
33. If you discovered a new island, what would you name it and why?
34. If you got arrested for murder, whom would you call with your telephone call from prison? And why?
35. If you had an accident and you had to be at home to recover for a long time, what would you do to relieve the boredom?
36. What would you do if you were at home at night, alone, and you heard a noise in your flat/house that seemed to be footsteps? Would you stay calm or would you panic?
37. What would you do if you found the wallet of your next-door neighbor who you hated?
38. If you could have any car you wanted, which car would you choose? Would it be practical or flashy?
39.If your car broke down on the motorway, what would you do? Would you try to fix it yourself?
40. If you could solve the problem of hunger in the third world or repair the ozone, which would you do?
41.If you could stop a bad habit that you have, what would you stop?
42. If you could go back to any moment in history, where would you go?
43. If you could be famous (a household name), what would you like to be famous for?
44. If you were on holiday and you lost your passport, would you know what to do?
45. If you were offered a job in another part of the country, would you be willing to take the job, assuming that the pay is very good?
46. If your partner were offered a job in another part of the country, which was well paid, would you be willing to change places?
47. If you were in the bank and somebody started to hold up the bank, what would you do? How would you react?If you had one wish, what would you wish for?
48. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, which song would you choose?
49. If only one book existed, which book would you like it to be?
50. If you could do any job, what would you like to do?
51. If you could move anywhere, where would you like to live?
52. If you found a suitcase full of $1,000,000, what would you do?
53. If you found a wallet with £1,000 in it, what would you do?
54. If you had 25-hour days (while everyone else continued to have 24-hour days), what would you do with the extra time?
55.If you had one wish, what would it be?
56. If you had the opportunity to be different, what would you change?
57. If you had time machine, where would you go and why?
58. If you had to choose between a wonderful romantic relationship that would end after only a year, or a so-so relationship that would last your entire life, which one would you choose?
59. If you had to choose between love and no money or money and no love for the rest of your life, which would you choose?
60. If you had to choose, would you give up your sight or your hearing?
61. If you received lottery tickets as a gift at the office party, and you won $30,000.00, would you share the winnings with the person that gave you the gift?
62. If you saw a robbery, would you report it?
63. If you saw your zipper was down and people had noticed, what would you do?
64. If you speak two languages and your spouse (husband or wife) speaks only one, will you raise your children to be bilingual?
65. If you were a candy, what candy would you be?
66. If you were a monster, what monster would you be?
67. If you were a toy, what toy would you be?
68. If you were abducted by aliens, would you tell anybody? Why or why not?
69. If you were American/Chinese/Mexican, how would your life be different?
70. If you were asked to choose which time you would like to live in, which century would you choose?
71. If you were asked to speak to a graduating class, what would you say?
72. If you were given a chance to go to the moon, would you go? Why or why not?
73. If you were given a choice between being given great wisdom or great wealth, which would you choose?
74. If you were given an opportunity to be born again, in which country would you like to be born?
75. If you were given an opportunity to be born again, what kind of person would you choose to be?
76. If you were given one million dollars, what would you buy?
77. If you were given the opportunity to be born again, how would you change how you lived?
78. If you were given the opportunity to mold your partner the way you wanted, how would you mold your partner?
79. If you were given three wishes, what would you wish for?
80. If you were God, how would you transmit or let people know your message?
81. If you were going to a deserted island and could only take three things with you, what would you take? Why?
82. If you were marooned on a desert island with one other person how would you survive?
83. If you were invited to have tea with the Queen of England, what would say?
84. if you were the leader of your country, what would you change?
85. If you were the President, what problem or concern would you work on first?
86. If you were to be stranded on an island, which three things would you bring with you?
87. If you were told that you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?
88. If you were walking through the forest and you suddenly saw a tiger, what would you do?
89. If you woke up suddenly because your house was on fire, which three things would you save as you ran outside?
90. If you worked for a store and you saw another employee steal something, would you tell the manager?
91. If your friend could not have a child, would you carry her child for her?
92. If you saw someone in public with toilet paper stuck to their shoe, would you tell them?
93. If you could change one thing that you did that was bad,perhaps a crime or some wrong you did to another person,what would it be?
94. What kinds of problems would you have if you had to always tell the truth?
95. You were told you had a terminal illness and had six months to live. What three things would be most important for you to do
96.If your doctor told you that you had only one month to live, how would you use the time left?
97. What if you have to sacrifice yourself for the sake of saving your mother? What would you do?
98. If you could live perfectly well without sleeping, if you had no need to sleep at all, how would you spend all your nights?
99. If you could be married with a foreign (man/woman), how do you think your life would change?
100. If you had a chance to choose a poor (man/woman) as a (husband/wife) from your culture or a rich (man/woman) from another culture, which would you choose?
101. If you got into traffic accident, what would you do at first?
102. If you could be God, what would you do for humanity?
103. If you could receive praise from a person, what person would it be?

part 2 What kind of praise would you like to receive?

104. If you were a color, what color would you be and why?
105. If you could be a crayon, What color and Why?
106. If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be and why?
107. If you had time machine and you could be transported to any time, the past or the future. What time would you choose?
108. If you could ask an All-Knowing Being one question about life, what would it be?
109. If you could have dinner with anyone (dead OR alive), who would you choose, and why?
110. If you could live forever on earth as it is now, would you? Why or why not?
111. If you could have a free chip put in your brain so that you would automatically be able to speak and understand another language besides English, which language would it be and why?
112. If you were the Queen or King of Britain for a day, what would you do?
113. If you were the President of the USA for a day, what would you do?
114. If you had to spend 100 days on a desert island, what five things would you take with you and why?
115. If you were down on your luck, would you seek the advice of a palm reader,
116. What would you do if you lost your bathing suit while you were swimming?
117. Imagine you woke up one morning to find you had switched bodies with someone you know. What would you do?
118. If you could have any one supernatural power (flying, being invisible), which would you choose and why?
119. If your spouse cheated on you, what would you do?
120. If you were given a choice to live as long as you want, how long would you like to live? If we could live for 300 years, what would the life be like?
121. If you could not differentiate beautiful from ugly, how would choose your spouse? (Perhaps not an appropriate questions, but it was submitted.)
122. What if your cell phone fell in the toilet, what would you do?

Thank you for being a friend...

I am so tired tonight but it is such a good kind of tired. I had a long and somewhat difficult week at work. I feel like have earned my fatigue. And today I hosted what I think was a very successful tea party. I guess this is the year that I am doing all the things I never did in my childhood. For my birthday I had a slumber party and today I had the tea party, and not just with Grover and Holly Hobby. It was so nice to have so many of the women that I love here and just enjoying each others company. I can't say enough how much I have some to appreciate the love and support I get from my girl friends. I hope that when I am old I have I have my own little crew of Golden Girls. (RIP Bea) I love Gil so much but there is stuff you can only talk to about with your girls. Gil doesn't want to talk about my period or the best way to clean a bath tub. Not that we only talk about that stuff. I mean today we talked about cooking and the swine flu and work and gay rights. We talked about religion and our parents and our children and husbands. It was so relaxing. I am exhausted but still mentally renewed.
Now I have had a bath and a glass of wine and I am off today bed to read. What a perfect day.

PST

Do you know about the FLYlady? If you don't and you need a way to combat some of the chaos in your home I highly recommend this system. You can visit her here... http://www.flylady.net
I have found her a remarkable help in our home. I mean I am far from out of the chaos but I am getting there. My favorite thing about it is that it isn't taking any money from my pocket. I always get into things that cost a bunch of money and never see them through which makes me feel guilty and stupid. Anyway. All this does have a point I swear...
So I have restarted the baby steps because I really fell off track when I started the new job and I REALLY feel the need some order in my life right now. So I don't do a new Baby step every day. I do one until I get the hang of it for a few days until I feel like I have the hang of it then I move on to the next. Another beautiful thing about this system is the ability to tailor it to fit YOUR life. Anyway today I was looking at baby step number five...
"Are you hearing any of those nagging negative voices popping into your head? I want you to take a piece of paper and write down what you hear then I want you to turn those ugly words around and say something nice to yourself to negate the ugly words that they said."
Now can I say that this is actually really easy for me. I am a very vocal proponent of PST... Positive Self Talk. I learned this in therapy. (Yeah I was in therapy. Welcome to the 21st century who hasn't?) Sometimes I hear the way I talk to or about myself and I think "If someone ELSE said that to me I would punch them!!" If we don't talk nice to ourselves how can we expect others to?
I try very hard to remember to talk nice to myself as often as possible. When I am stressed out at work you can often find me giving myself a pep talk "You can do this, you are a smart girl, you just need to focus."

It has been a while since I have had the time or energy to update. To be honest I don't have either right now but for you I will take a few moments. The last few weeks have been crazy. The new job is good but it is tasking. After resting on my laurels for 3 years I am just not used to working so hard. Sad but true. I got very used to being lazy. There have been a few moments in the past week where I have thought I made a mistake, that I am not cut out for this gig. I hate not being perfect at something. I am terrible at asking for help because I want my boss to think I am competent. But I just keep reminding myself that you can't get to great with out passing through ok. Someday I will be better. Some day I will kick ass.
In the mean time I will try and keep up with everything. The days are getting longer and sunnier and that makes me so happy. I have been able to hang clothes on the line which is wonderful. Tomorrow is supposed to be extra warm and sunny. Maybe I will come back and give you more of an update while I have my tea in the morning. For now I wish you sweet dreams.

A ramble about house stuff...

Snuggled up in bed tonight a bit early, taking care of this darn chest cold. I am actually feeling much better except the coughing part. I sound like a 90 year old, pack a day smoker. Sexy stuff kids!
We had a really nice, low key day being old married people. We wandered around Kent looking for new lighting fixtures and we thought that was a hot time. Seriously, break out the Jell-O and the Shuffle Board, Gil and I are ready for retirement! No seriously though I do love anything that has to do with redecorating the house. This dinning room is so close to done, I think it might even be the room that is 100% complete first. We just need to throw up a few more feet of trim, pick a new lighting fixture and hem the drapes. I am jittery with excitement to have it done. I thought the living room would be done first but we are still batting around the idea of putting in a bay window or some french doors there. I now have a just feeling that is one room that will always be in flux.
Tomorrow we are going to work on clearing out the work shop so that I can start to refinish my cabinet. I am excited for that project as well. I think I must just excite easily! :)
My next BIG project with be the computer room and finishing the bathroom. I was checking out prices of pedestal sinks when we were at Kent today and they really are not very expensive. Of course I haven't told Gil that I also want to re-tile the floor but it is such a small room I think I will be able to do it myself without much effort. The paint will also have to be touched up when I put in the pedestal sink, which is fine, I need to fix where I got the hair dye on the wall anyway, that damn stuff just won't come off.
Anyway once the main level is mostly completed I can turn all my attention up stairs! I am so excited for that!! (Yup there I go being excited again, what can I say?!) Hopefully in the near future David will start on the mural at the top of the stairs. That is so thrilling to me. To have a wall of ART in our home. I mean I love colour and part of the joy of owning a house is getting to paint, but even solid colours get a little boring after a while but this art project is going to be amazing, especially since the artist in question is so talented. Plus it means so much more to have art made by people you know, people you love. I know I could find something in one of those big poster books at the paint shop that I could live with but seeing a painting done by some one I love, each time I go in and out of my bedroom, that will mean the world.
The bedroom it's self is still a bit of a problem. I have idea but no inspiration. We would really love to incorporate our collection of Asian art and Buddha's in here, ideally we would like the colour scheme to be red and black with out being too dark (How do you do that??) but I have yet to find anything that ties it all together for me. I wish we could do one of those home renovation shows where they read your mind and give you the room you always wanted but just couldn't pull together. It will all come in time. I know this. I am just excited and impatient.
One last note before I run away. I was going out to the car this afternoon and I notice spring flowers peeping through in my garden!! I am over the friggin' moon. I am going out to play for a moment if the rain will hold off just a little while. YAY!! Spring is VERY welcome this year. Winter felt VERY VERY long!

Too Long Gone...

Hey sorry about the long absence, life in Meggyland has been nothing short of chaos. Between Gil basically living in Toronto and trying to adjust to the new job while maintaining a social life I have just been bagged every day. I think about coming home and blogging but my energy is just gone. But tonight I feel like 10lbs of crap in a 5lb. bag and so I am just sitting here watching crap tv (downloaded) and catching up on emails, and now talking to you. Gil is in Toronto but will be home later tonight. I hate it when he is away when I am sick, I know that there is nothing he can do to make the cold go away but having him here makes me feel better. It is psychosomatic. Anyway, tonight I flake. Which gives me a chance to tell you that this past weekend I reached the height of my middle class dream. I got a deep freezer! Oh yeah baby, there is no stopping me now. I am actually really thrilled, don't let my sarcasm fool you. I genuinely feel triumphant. YAY us. Don't worry we aren't heading out for a mini-van anytime soon.
Work is great, I confess to frequent feelings of overwhelming panic but they are passing. I am so glad the guy I am replacing has been there with me holding my hand, metaphorically speaking. He is done after next week and then I have to swim in the deep end on my own and it is a bit scary to think about. I know I will get good at it eventually but my inner perfectionist can't stand that I am not great at this yet. But so far I haven't really lost it, I came really close to crying once. Just one time but I fought it.
The only issue that comes up repeatedly is a personal one, a demon I am going to have to stare down sooner or later in order to make working there a non-issue. every afternoon I work at the VG site, well at least Tuesday to Friday. I walk into that building with 1000 things on my mind, full of to do lists and notes to myself about all the things I need get done in the next 4 hours. But then there is a new thought. a thought that creeps in, stealthy, from the depth of my mind. I can't predict where or when but I know that it will come. It finds me and it grips me with stark terror and says "your mother died here. Right here, right in this very building. The last wall she saw were these ones. Her last breath was right here." So far I have stuffed it down hard and fast before it has a chance to really take hold. I stuff it down and keep counting, I stuff it down and bring someone change, I stuff it down run to the next task. But I know there is going to come a day when I try to stuff it and that compartment will be full to capacity. I am not looking forward to that day.
okay, enough heavy now. Off to feel icky in bed with some hot lemon and honey.

Update!

Okay it has been a while but in my defense I have been ungodly busy. I finished at Maxwell, THANK GOD! I feel much less like I have to censor every thing I say about that place now, so be prepared for a big long rant SOON. I have also started at the Hospitals. So far I am really liking it and although I am not all that good at my job yet I know I will be. It takes time to learn new things. I had a small crisis of faith on Friday when I was hot, tired and I could not figure out what I was doing but I got through it. I am looking forward to going back tomorrow so that is a good thing. Life is all manner of weird at the moment and I will try and touch more on that in the near future but for right now I just wanted to say that I think I made the right choice and that feels good.

wow....

I am having such a hard time concentrating today at work, knowing the end is so near. I don't want to call and talk to people. I don't want to answer the phone. My desk is all cleared out and clean, there is no real trace of me left in my veal feeding pen. I am ready to be done. I can't imagine how unbearable Monday and Tuesday will be.

Upon consulting the OED

After three days of getting up at 5:30 am here is how I feel.
beat, broken-down, burned out, collapsing, consumed, dead on one's feet, distressed, dog-tired, done for, done in, drained, drooping, droopy, drowsy, empty, enervated, exasperated, fagged, faint, fatigued, fed up, finished, flagging, haggard, irked, irritated, narcoleptic, overtaxed, overworked, petered out, played out, pooped, prostrated, run-down, sleepy, spent, stale, tuckered out, wasted, worn out.
I know I will get used to it but so far I am NOT loving it.

Day dreaming

I have a great idea for a new TV show based on a day dream I had the other day.I wish it could he an hour long drama however we all know that if it is even loosely based on my life it will be a half hour sitcom. It takes place in a hospital, which is a pretty popular setting for good shows, however based on my day dream about life will be like in my new job, the doctors and nurses will be purely secondary characters. The real stars of the show will be the rest of the hospital staff.Accountants, clerks, assistants, maintenance crew, retail staff etc.The lead actress would be a perky brunet who is funny and bright. (Think Sarah Rue on Less Then Perfect.) Each week viewers would be treated to 30 minutes of a knee slapping display of how these “little people” are the ones who truly keep the hospital running like a well oiled machine. The main character, let call her Maggie just for giggles, she would hold everyone together like glue. She would dispense wisdom and solve problems for loads of people.Nurses and Doctors would come to her for love life advice. Of course she would have a core group of friends who were always getting into scrapes or making some kind of mischief. Once and a while she would even have an encounter with a patient, with both positive and negative outcomes.
Oh yeah, I would totally watch this show!

Resetting the clock...

Okay so on of the nice perks about my current job is that Gil and I work just a few blocks from each other and fairly close our home which means that in the mornings I only have a 12 minute car ride, with my awesome hubby, which means to get to work on time I have to leave the house roughly at 8am. Yeah, I know, I am spoiled. HOWEVER my new job starts at 7am.... and is on the other side of the harbour which means I will need to be on the bus at roughly 6:15 am. Oh the inhumanity. In order to accomplish the superhuman feat I will have to be out of bed at 5:30 am. Since it seems like a terrible idea to do this on the very first day of work I have started my training schedule. Last week I started getting up at 6am and really wasn't so bad. Truth be told I even kind of liked it but I was pretty lazy about it. To step up my game as of today the alarm goes off at 5:30 and I have to do everyting that I would do in order to leave to house at 6:10. There were some glitches today. But that is good, that is part of the learning process. For example I did lay out my clothes last night but forgot to make sure I had all the pieces so I spent 5 minutes groping around in the dark bedroom looking for the bra I wanted while trying not to wake my slumbering husband. Also there is just some stuff that is going to have to get done the night before. My gym bag wasn't packed and neither was lunch. If I had to do those things today I would have been screwed or eating granola bars and skipping the gym.
On the other hand since I didn't really have to leave the house at 6:10, my dishes are washed, the laundry has been flipped and I tuned out on facebook for a while. I am pretty much ahead of the game. We shall see how I feel this evening but I am guessing it will be lights out pretty early for me.

Because people keep asking me...

Here is a little information about my new gig. The job title is Cash Balancing Clerk. I will be responsible for the daily balancing of cash, credit/debit transactions, lottery tickets, bus tickets and stamps as well as preparing bank deposits, and reporting overages and shortages for all the retail location in the hospitals. I will also order and maintain inventory (lottery tickets, stamps, and bus tickets). A few days a week I will be opening a store before the cashiers arrive. I will also be receiving inventory, making change for the cashiers, etc. As well I will assist the cashiers with any concerns or issues they may have.

It is a Monday to Friday gig, however I will start much earlier in the day then I am now. 7am!! I have been getting my body ready for this by getting up at 6am every morning. Next week I roll it back to 5:30. I will need to be on the bus at 6:15 so that will be the biggest adjustment. I will really get a lot of use out of the iPod that my brother gave me I can tell you that.

I am really excited. I am nervous but I know I can do this and do it well.

Oddly enough

Today I am full of fear and doubt. Did I make the make choice? Will I make new "work friends"?
But I do have wicked PMS so at least I know where it is coming from.

Yay!!!!!

I got the job!!!! I am feeling so good right now and I haven't even had a glass of wine! This was a real confidence boost for me. I really wasn't sure after the interview how it went but they liked me. There is something so gratifying about that. I gave my boss my two weeks notice today. She said they are sad to see me go which also makes me feel good. I grew up a lot in that job and I owe them gratitude for giving me a place to learn and grow and recognize that it was time for me to fly. I know that the change over will be weird and at first I may question the wisdom of my decision but I KNOW it is for the best. YAY!

Big Day Tomorrow!

So tomorrow is my job interview with Capital Health. I am really excited and a bit nervous. My boss gave me some good advice with getting through the interview and lots of encouragment. How cool s that? I think I am more prepared for this interview then anyone in the past, which is of course why I am nervous. I am worried my confidance is tempting fate. I can only do my best right?! Tonight I am going to bed at a decent hour. I am going to get some rest and in the morning I will get up and have some breakfast and then let the chips fall where they may.  It is a little like the wedding that way. There comes a point where you just have to go with it and it is no longer under your control. That part is the hardest for me. I really believe I can do this. I really do.

I love....

The view from my living room window....

I love...

Today my babies are being extra cute...

I love them

Wowie Zowie...

So the winds of change are blowing here and I am both excited and shit scared. I talked to my boss today and told her that I would likely be giving her my two weeks in the next few days. I was totally honest about why I was planning on leaving. That I was unhappy in the job, that the perks were no longer enough to balance out the drawbacks. I told her is was a difficult decision but I had to do what was best for me. And I have to say she was very cool about it.
Of course now I have to make sure I get this other job otherwise I will look like a total ass. But the ball is rolling now. And the only think I know for sure is that I need out of Maxwell and out of sales. I just don't have the stomach for it anymore.

What feels good...

There is a cat sleeping on my feet, she is warm and heavy and comfy. It feels like love.

How I had the best Valentines Day of my life.

I have been very lucky to have had several very lovely Valentines Days in my life. A few very romantic. A few a little strange. And some memorable for less pleasant reasons. I have had flowers from a secret admirer and a limo drive with champagne. But nothing can top the day that Gil and I had yesterday. Here is what happened. We got up, we ran some errands. we tidied the house. I tried to have a nap. He played his computer game. We made dinner and got ready to have some friends over to play board games. We snarked at each other. We watched an episode of Lost and then an episode of Hero's. Friends arrived and we played the most complicated board game of all time. We stayed up too late talking because all the snack foods and caffeine made me feel sick and awake. We fell asleep happy. Yup that's it. No flowers. No cards. No gifts. No fancy dinner at a fancy restaurant. No overture because the calendar told us to. Nope we decided that we love each other enough the other 364 days a year we didn't need to prove it to ourselves or anyone else with the stress with both feel over such events. So we did it our way and I am pleased to report that this February the 14th was a tremendous day. Yay us. Ain't love grand?

My dream

I had the most amazing dream last night. I mean really it was like nothing I have ever felt from a dream before. I know I might sound a bit nutty saying this but I am willing to be mocked when I tell you that it felt more like a prophecy or prediction. I am telling you this because the dream rocked me to my very core. I feel like something changed while I was sleeping. Okay here it was. I was holding our daughter. She was 2 or 3 years old but she was new to us. She was solid against my body. She was so beautiful. She had chin length dark brown hair and huge beautiful brown eyes. The social worker had told us we would have a tough time with her. She was still in diapers and she would not speak although they were sure that she could. She and I were walking through a crowd towards a beach/park where there was a group of friends waiting for us. She was clinging to me and I knew that she trusted me to keep her safe, I could feel it physically. I knew it as sure as I have ever known anything. She was wearing pink footie PJ's (which I admit is an odd choice for a picnic in the park/beach) and she had a pink barrette or bow in the front of her hair. I was carrying her and I was so happy. I was pointing to our friends and naming them for her "There is Auntie Aimee and Uncle John." She soaks that in. "There is Uncle Mike" she soaks that in. And then I point to Gil and ask "Who's that?" and her face split into a wide smile and she and she exclaims "Daddy!" and I was felt happieness I never even dreamed of. Then I woke up. But I am telling you there is something to that dream. I just know it.

Weepy day...

Of the my many things that made me cry today, this was one of them.

okay I am really excited about the prospect of change. At the moment it is no more then a fantasy but this week I am going to try and fix that. I heard about a job locally that is basically my dream job. I don't even know if they are in a hiring cycle but I am going to convince them that they need me. I am so jazzed up. I have a gut feeling about this. I really do.

I just don't have the words.

It is never easy to hear about crimes committed against children, never. But there is something about the Karissa Boudreau case that strikes even closer to my heart. Maybe it is the short distance between our two communities. So close in fact that the woman who stole her life is housed in a building I drive past on my way to and from work every day. Perhaps it is because I know how cold and wet and dark a Nova Scotian winter is and I can't imagine worse place to die then laying on that cold ground. Perhaps it is because I wanted desperately for the gnawing suspicion that her mother was involved to be wrong.
If my suspicion was correct I needed for it at least to be a terrible accident. A fight between a stressed out, ineffective parent and a saucy preteen that escalated into a physical altercation, maybe a shove that led to a blow to the head and then blind panic. It would still be horrible, it would still be unthinkable that she staged such an elaborate lie, perpetrated such a fraud. But there is a hint of something you can almost wrap your head around. A mistake can happen so easily, situations can spiral out of control. That is what my heart wanted to believe. However today's revelation of what actually transpired is so much worse then I ever could have imagined. I am literally sick to my stomach reading the details of how this woman stole the life of her own child.

Like ships to sea I dip my spoon away from me...and other lessons from Mom

My mother was a dear. She was so funny and quirky and today I thought I would share some tidbits about her ('cause I am miss her, can you tell?)
When she ate toast she would not butter the whole piece, she would break off a piece at a time, butter it and then eat it.
She was totally addicted to Pepsi, she would drink a glass at breakfast.
She loved animals and we always had some kind of pet in the house.
There was a point in time when her love of animals did not extend to rodents. One year my brothers had to bring home mice or rats for the weekend (they were teaching them to go through a maze) and my mom FLIPPED OUT. That was Friday after school. By Sunday evening she was talking to them in a baby voice and did not want to send them back to the school.
She was very good at both knitting and sewing, neither a skill I inherited.
She smoked Export A green death right up 'til she got cancer. Then she stopped.
My mother loved the word fuck, no kidding, she loved it. She didn't use it a lot in front of me but I know she enjoyed the heck out of it.
She was was no kind of cook, sorry but it is true. Someone once gave her a recipe for boiling water. I am working hard to prove that cooking ability is not genetic.
For a woman who didn't cook she had an unholy amount of recipes. I know where I get THAT from.

Having a rough night, a reminder once again that grief is cyclical and can rear its ugly hear at any moment. Of course I have taken out my bad feelings on Gil. Poor man, some time he gets a $1000 fine for a $1.50 crime. I am going to bed now. I will start tomorrow fresh. You can't ask for much more then that.

I sense a disturbance in the force

So I am a tea drinker. I mean really I LOVE tea. However once a week or so I really need a cup of coffee. I love that cup of coffee. Not the same as I love me tea but with almost the same intensity. I really look forward to those cups of coffee. However lately something has been amiss. Lately I have been really enjoying my cup off coffee but a little while later something bad happens. About 20 minutes after the glorious cup of steamy hot love my guts start to roil. 10 minutes after that I am sure I am coming down with the worst stomach flu known to human kind. 5 minutes after that I remember I felt this way the last time I drank a cup of coffee. Oh dear! Oh god! Not my precious coffee. Et tu Juan Valdez!!
So what do I do? Give up the coffee I love altogether? Stick with my beloved tea and just be happy?

Some more adoption talk .....

I am sorry if this is getting boring but it is so heavy on my mind and in our lives at the moment. One of the major things round in my head is the pros and cons of transracial adoption. Actually I hate the term pro and cons here. But I can't find a better way of expressing myself at the moment. When I think of a better way to say it I will. I have been talking with our social worker. I have also been reading lots of books and blogs (as always) and of course Gil and I have been doing a LOT of talking. I have worries about our abilities to pass a cultural competence test.
Just as I have no preference for the gender of our child, I have no preconcived idea about the colour of his or her skin, the racial or ethnic background. I am prepared to integrate his or her life experience into ours, to become a truly blended family. But I can't see us as appearing anything other then white and nerdy. We really don't have connections to ANY community other then the geek community and that is very prominently white. I am willing to what I have to do for my child.
What I mean to say is that I don't know how to become culturally competent basically from scratch. At this point I should tell you I am very embarrassed and I am afraid that everything that come out of my mouth (or fingers) sounds completely moronic. So how does someone like me who has had very minimal experience with the African Nova Scotian community go from a dork walking on egg shells to a confidant, competent parent? I know this is a very BROAD question. But as I said I think it very important to address because I do want to have all the doors open for Gil and I and believe that our child is out there and I don't want the possibility of a match to be limited my my ignorance. Is it possible for a person or a couple to BECOME culturally competent or is it a you either are or aren't kind of thing?

Oh I love being right. This Saturday was awesome. A trip to the salon for a much desired wax. Breakfast with my hubby. Hours of hanging out with Aimee playing Sing Star. Amazing dinner with Terry and Sarah. Now I am snuggled down in my comfy bed under the covers ('cause it is DAMN cold in here, we need to do something about the insulation up here!) and I am listening to tunes on my iHome which was a birthday gift from my amazing husband. I thought I was ready for bed but then my brain started ticking away so I thought I might as well write.
Tonight I am doing a practice run with PJ's. I know that must sound so strange but I need to train myself to get used to it before we get a kid. I am going to try and convince Gil to do the same thing. I mean there may come a day when we will be comfortable sleeping in the buff, but with an older child coming into our home I think the safest, most responsible thing to do is be appropriately clothed as often as possible. For the first while it is going to be a lot like living with a stranger and we don't want to make him or her uncomfortable. Also the social worker might have something to say about it. In the same vein I also need to start peeing with the bathroom door closed. These are learned behaviors and it is never too soon to get started on them. I am pretty good with most things if I get in to the habit. I know I might be crazy for putting so much thought and energy into this at this stage in the game but I HAVE to think positive and be constructive with our time or I will go crazy.
I had lots of chat this past week with our social worker, looking for things that we (I) can be doing in this time to make things easier, to make us better candidates. So I have been in touch with the guidance councilor at our local elementary school to see what programs they have for children with challenges. That went really well and I got an email back from him two days later with a really good description of the extensive programs and resources they have available. SCORE.
I also made an appointment to go to the lawyer next week to have our will drawn up. This one cheeses me off a bit. I mean I know SO MANY people who don't have a will. Plus once we have a child we are just going to have an amendment to add them. But I have wanted a will anyway so this is a good enough reason to get it done.
We also have a fire escape plan now. In fact we have a fire escape plan the was done up with the aid of a real life fireman! He also tested all of our smoke alarms (all 5! of them) and put dates on them to show when they were tested! He was awesome, it is so good to have well connected friends. But seriously.... can you imagine if a parent was not allowed to leave the hospital with their new baby until they could prove they had a fire escape plan and adequate extinguishers?!! No one would have kids. But I don't mind jumping through the hoops. We made our choice and we stick by it and for now we place our faith in the system. In my life the system has actually really worked in my favour and I have to trust it again. With any luck they will see how hard we are working at this and give is all the gold stars and a child of our own to love. If not we will have the safest house on the block.
Tomorrow I am going to finish the painting in the dinning room. I feel really good about that because it has been my project and I want to have something to actually cross off my list. That is the thing about owning a house, the list NEVER gets any shorter. But it still feels really good. I still get the tummy wiggles every time we pull in the driveway. I love that.
Okay I am finally starting to feel a little sleepy so it is time for me to say good night. Play safe!

I have said it before and I say it again now. I love Saturday. Yes I almost always have TOO much to do but that is beside the point. It gets done at my own pace (read slowly but surely). Saturday always involves a god meal of some kind. It usually involves spending time with people I like. I can pretty much guarantee at some point there will be coffee. What is not to like about this?

Today I don't want to talk about adoption. I am spent there at the moment. I mean I will probably still be thinking about it but I want don't want to talk about it. I have a headache today. I feel like my cranium is playing host to a marching band convention. I think it is because the weather and pressure systems keep changing. My little noggin is very sensitive to these things. Yeah I know, my noggin is just sensitive. It is true, try as I may to toughed my hide I am just a sensitive individual. The funny thing about that is that it wasn't always the case. I went through a period where I was considered "hard". Here are 25 more things you may not know about me...

1) When I was in high school I wanted to be a cop.
2) I did not attend my grade 9 "graduation" because I had community service hours to do.
3) I hate wearing socks.
4) I can not stand Jelly Beans.
5) The exception to the jelly beans is Jelly Belly's they rock.
6) One of my best high school memories involves jelly belly's but I am not telling you what it is.
7) When I was little my older brother told me that Gene Simmons was my real father and I believed him.
8) I believe that if pain had a smell it would cinnamon hearts.
9) The first time I saw the mountains up close I literally lost my breath.
10) In my dreams I am still thin.
11) I don't have an ex's who I hate or even really dislike.
12) I always used to make my Barbies kiss each other while Ken went off to work.
13) When I was 8 I wanted to be a Gospel Singer.
14) I also wanted to BE the Virgin Mary.
15) I desperately wish I could be crafty.
16) I totally heart Martha.
17) I am addicted to magazines.
18) I am REALLY addicted to TV. The reason we don't have one hooked up is because I would watch it ALL THE TIME. I would rather have a life.
19) When my husband is away on business I keep a baseball bat in the bed with me. For protection.
20) Like Kelso I seemed to get poked in the eye more then my fair share.
21) I have no idea how to read music.
22) I tried to go blond once. It was BAD
23) Sometimes I actually read my spam.
24) I have kissed a stranger on the dance floor at the Dome. Shannon saved me from myself.
25)I do believe I have seen ghosts.

Mini-rant.

So I was doing some reading today... at the moment Blogs are like tv for me. Totally addictive. I was starting off actually doing some research for topic # 2 Polygamy (sounds like a fun topic right?!) Anyway I got distracted, which is not at all surprising. I was reading the blogs of a few other expectant adoptive moms and they all start out pretty much the same. Months or YEARS of dealing with infertility. Endless procedures, tests, miscarriages, doctors, disappointments. I wonder is there something wrong with me that I didn't try THAT hard? I am not going to be a dedicated a parent because I gave up after half a dozen rounds of Clomid? Is that how others see me? Is that how a social worker might see me? As uncommitted to parenthood? Let me be perfectly clear. I would love to get pregnant. I would love grow a life inside of me even though it seems a lot of women spend the best part of 9 months unwell. I would love to look at a child to see bits of Gil or me or our family members. I would love to do it all. But I want to be a parent MUCH more then that. I don't want to be a parent after I am exhausted by the disappointment. I don't want to adopt as last resort. Gil and I both feel like this is a natural progression for us. And it leaves our sanity pretty much intact. It is something we are able to go through together. That is important for me. I felt so alone in the fertility treatments. It is a very isolating world. Gil and I are going to be parents together, we are partners in the true sense. This is what works for us.

Questions and Answers

So I was reading the blog of another prospective adoptive mom in the states and she had this list of questions. She referred to them as the 19 infamous questions so I have decided that I should try and answer them here.

1. Describe your personality? Quirky, introspective, kind, impatient inquisitive
   
2. Describe your spouse’s personality? Funny, warm, extremely smart, awkward, solitary, passionate
   
3. What are your strengths? I think I am very good with people, I try very hard to be kind and compassionate and I am a nurturer.
   
4. What are your limitations? I have difficulty with change, I really need a stable routine or I get very out of sorts. Also I can be a very selfish person.
   
5. What do you feel are the strong points in your marriage? Our relationship is built on a very, very strong friendship. That often carries the day.
   
6. What do you feel are the areas for further growth in your marriage? We could always communicate better, I think we take for granted sometimes that the other person will know what is going on, what the plan is, or what we really mean.
   
7. How do you resolve conflict in your marriage? We talk about our problems. Some times it takes a while but not usually. Most often one or both of us need something to eat or some sleep, once that is done the talking comes easier. Also we both compromise when we need to.
   
8. What are your interests as an individual? Reading, exploring crafts although I am not really crafty, lately cooking. Spending time with my friends.
   
9. What are your interests as a couple? Gaming, traveling, food, books, movies, spending time with our friends.
   
10. What are your attributes that you feel best contribute toward your ability to parent? On one hand my nurturing nature and compassion. On the other hand my ability to be fun and silly.
    
11. Who/What has been the strongest influence in your life to date? My mother, both my brothers, Susan K, my time in care.
    
12. What do you regard as your greatest personal achievement to date? I feel like it was a big achievement to make it through care with a sense of pride, a sense of humour and with a heart full of compassion.
    
13. What three things would you most like to be said about you if you died today? She was a good wife, she was a good friend, she will not be forgotten.
    
14. What are your needs as a person? Which ones are satisfied within your family, your work, in recreational activities, in other ways? My goodness, this is a loaded question. Okay well of course I have my very basic needs, beyond those I need to feel like a productive member of my community and a contributor to my family. I don't love my job but it pays me every two weeks like clock work which allows me to pay some bills which really makes me feel good as a person. I need to be in contact with my friends. At the moment that is easy to do with weekly get-togethers for geeking or crafting or drinking coffee. I imagine that gets harder when you have children. I need to feel valued a person. Gil is the main (though not exclusive) source of satisfaction here. Gil makes me feel like a good person.
    
15. In what ways would you find satisfaction and fulfillment if you never had children? Of course I have thought about this. What if it never happens for us? In many ways I am sure life would be easier. We would travel and read and sleep in on Saturdays. We would have lunches with friends and I would quit my job and go back to school in a heart beat. I would work on the book I have always wanted to write. We would invest our lives and money on our house and friends and family and each other. Our life would have meaning (as it does now), but I don't think I would ever be 100% satisfied.
    
16. What are your most important values? Love, family,trust, honesty, independence, humour, loyalty and friendship
    
17. What are your expectations for your child? I expect that it won't always be easy, that we will have struggles but that at the end of the day love will win.
    
18. What goals do you wish your child to achieve? It is hard to discuss goals for a hypothetical child. Lots of course will depend on the the individual. I want my child to always try. She or he doesn't have to always succeed, lord knows I don't. But I hope they try.
19. What are your thoughts on the following:

• Parenting - The hardest job a person will ever do. There is no rule book and more people should ask for help when they feel like they don't know what they are doing. Also the most rewarding experience a person can have.
  
• Discipline - not punishment. Like being good at a sport or instrument or video game takes discipline, practice, coaching.
  
• Love - is the most important thing in the world and people need to stop hoarding it and start spreading it around. It is a verb not a noun. It takes dedication and discipline
  
• Positive Self-Image - This is so important. There is a lot of talk about the need for young ladies to have a positive self image and they do but so do young men. Feeling confidant to make good decisions, to partake in the world, to love ones self. This is what I want for my children, myself, the world.
  
• Negative Self-Image - Is a learned behavior. Messages picked up around people whether they are overt or not dictate how we feel about ourselves. You can't talk about how fat you are and how you need to go on a diet and then tell your kid to love their body just as it is. You can't ignore a person and expect them to feel worthy. With adopted children you can't speak ill of their biological parents and expect them not to be impacted by that.
  
• Adoption - Clearly I am pro-adoption and I think that is a wonderful way to form a family but it is not without it's complexities and issues. It is NOT the same as having a biological child and saying so negates the adopted child's experience.
  
• Biological Parents - I admit I have some reservations here. But in talking and reading over the past few months I have really begun to feel differently on the subject. I was afraid at first that our child would be confused about the roles of the biological parent vs us. I was worried that the biological parents or family might meddle in out life. I won't lie, I was worried that my kid might not love me as much if I had to share him or her with another mother. But I have been doing so much reading of birth mom blogs, and blogs of family with open adoptions. Plus I have talked to a few women I know who are birth moms and it has been very enlightening. I still have worries but I think that in the long run contact with the birth family is what is best for my child and THAT is the most important thing.
  

How cool kids like me spend Saturday night....

Well having spent the whole day priming the lower walls of my dinning room and front entry for a coat of fresh white paint, organizing the junk drawer and doing GREEN BIN duty I decided that rather then going out and spending money I don't have I was going to stay in. Oh yeah I am a real rebel in my advancing age. So my evening includes plans for a bath, reading up on an adoptive mother blog that I really enjoy and having a cup of tea. For most people making a cup of tea is a fairly brainless activity but for me it is a very complex ritual with lots of thoughts and planning. I thought I would share some of that with you... oh yeah we are going there....


First thing we have to do is choose what KIND of tea we are having. In my house you have a lot to pick from. This year for my birthday I received ELEVEN kinds of tea. No repeats, no duplicates. I think that my friends are really trying to tell me something. This does not include the six or eight kinds of tea I already had. I believe that there is a tea for every occasion. This year I got a lot of loose teas. You will see why in a moment.





For this evening I choose this little cutie. A birthday gift from Ang that came as part of a trio. It is caffeine free which is good because I have had way more then my share today. It is made with rooibos, mint and chamomile and smells amazing. Actually it smells a wee bit like licorice too.







Look at this stuff!! No wussy tea here! Isn't it divine?








This little baby here is the reason for all the loose tea. This year was mine and Gil's second wedding anniversary and the traditional gift is cotton. Gil found this cool guy and a bunch of other lovely cotton goodies online made by real honest to goodness hippies!! I love hippies. This reusable cotton tea infuser is so delightful and I feel really good about myself and the world when I use it.









Ready to Brew!!








Filled with hot water in one of my favorite mugs. There slots in the tea bag which you can put a spoon threw, or a pen, or a chop stick... the point it you don't have to pull the bag out of the hot water with your fingers.
I love it!









No cup of tea is complete for me with out this guy. Oh Billy Bee!


You are the bee's knees!!






I am going to enjoy my tea now! I hope you all have a lovely Saturday night. Cheers.

Some thoughts on permanence

Permanence... it is a HOT word in the field a foster and adoption care. A buzz word grouped with so many others like reunification, concurrent planning or transition. But like so many words when you start batting it around over and over it starts to lose its meaning, it becomes this abstract concept, like when you say tree 100 times and it ceases to have any significant meaning.
The ultimate goal of adoption is permanence and has a special place in my heart; it a large part of why adoption is so appealing to me in the first place. I can tell you first hand the importance of permanence and stability in the life of a child. From the moment I was born there was no stability in my life. I try extra hard not to sound bitter when I talk about it but it is hard, especially for people who don't know me well. I have only lived one life so for me it is "normal", it is what I know, what I have grown comfortable with. Unfortunately that means I accept or worse anticipate that people who I love and who are supposed to love me will just up and leave; that I will be moved; that circumstances are almost always beyond my control; and the no matter how much a person loves you they can hurt you.
Gil and I have been together for six and a half years now and despite some moves and job changes things have been very stable for me. This has give me the time and strength to work on overcoming the challenges that years and years of instability have left in their wake. We have a home now and it our permanent home base, this is the ultimate win for me.
I have always envied my peers who have had a home and family to always go back to even if just for the holidays or to do laundry. A parent to call for a special recipe or to bounce an idea off of. A room or a house or a neighbourhood that says "I'm home".
One of my greatest goals as a parent is to provide that for my child and especially for a child who has already had so much upheaval in their life. I want Gil and I to mean home and safety to someone else as we do now for each other.

The joys of womanhood

I would like to start this by saying I have never been a man. It is important that you know this so that you know that I am talking about this topic from a very biased position. I am sick of the crap that I go through every year based solely on my gender. I had almost come to accept that once a month I will feel sick, have a head, have mood swings I can't control, have sore boobs, cramp and bleed. It was much easier to swallow that when the pay off was that one day I would be able to create life in my womb, now that I have been declared a barren waste land the period just seems like a slap in the face.
On top of this lets add our yearly pap test. You want me to what??? Crawl up on the table, cover my self with a piece of paper so some doctor can make a human hand puppet out of me?!! I swear to god the next doctor who tells me to "skootch down" is getting a kick in the teeth. There is nothing pleasant about this procedure. NOTHING. Having said that I fully believe that every woman should have one every year. It is better to have it done, no matter how uncomfortable, then risk the possible consequences of NOT doing it.
Now I have another painful, humiliating, absolutely necessary yearly procedure to add to the heap. Once a year I now get to go have ball bearings tapped my breasts squeezed, slammed, pulled and tugged between slabs of metal and plastic. I get to start early because my mother died of breast cancer as a young woman. I can look forward to doing this excruciating dance at LEAST once a year for ... we basically the rest of my life.
As I have said I do these things because I believe at in the long run they will add to my quality of life. I believe that they are important and I preach to all my girl friends to have them done. But that is my problem, I only need to preach to the girls. What do the guys have to do??
Anyway I off to have a hot cup of tea and nurse my poor mashed up girls back to health.

Oh and just so you know I have started working on topic #2! Yeah I know it has been a LONG time coming.

Bugger....

So if you are friends with me on facbook then it is no shock when I tell you that I have lately been having a very hard time at work. I am very unhappy there, very very unhappy. I don't know what to do. It is not a good time, economically speaking to go hunting for another job. I keep thinking if I can just tough it out until I go on parental leave when we finally get an adoption and then we can re-visit the issue. But I don't know if I can hold out that long. Every day is worse then the one before and I get a deep feeling of sadness in my chest when I think about going to work. Not fear, not panic,but sadness and dread. It shouldn't be like this. We spend so much of our lives working. Shouldn't it be.... shouldn't it not make you sad. I feel like every thing else in my life is in such a good spot but work is this dark cloud that is casting a shadow on everything. This is not a good way to live. So what do I do? Where do I go from here? I can't quit without somewhere to go. But I don't want to head to another dead end sales job. I don't know what else I am qualified to do. I am lost. I need guidance.

rant...

The great conundrum of being a prospective adoptive parent is that you want to get ready, you want to have some level of preparedness but it is almost impossible. I have a crib in storage as well as a play pen and a baby monitor but I don't know if I will ever need them. I have a bed and I am looking for a bunk bed but I don't know if it will just be a colossal waste of money. We might not be approved. I mean really, we might not. I can't understand why we might be denied, but I have to emotionally prepare for the possibility that it could happen. How do that? How do I get excited and make preparations and all the while remain emotionally detached? I don't know if I have that in me. So far I have been pretty cool about the whole thing.

Preparing to turn 34....

According to an article 34 is the most expensive year of a persons life. I can see how this might happen for me. We have a new house I want to decorate. We want to have a child in our home before the year is out and as I understand it children are expensive. I want 2 or three new major appliances. I want to get my drivers license which will involve lessons. So yeah, basically I am going to be a one woman economic stimulus package.
It is strange you know, when I turned 30 I kept waiting for the freak out and it never happened. I mean isn't thirty that magical age when most women lose their shit? I loved 30, I breezed through it like a stroll in the park. It was one of the best years of my life. Actually my thirties have been pretty remarkable all round. Certainly an improvement over my twenties which I would not repeat for love or money. I digress, I did not wig when I turned 30 but for some reason the looming 34 has me on edge. I don't really know why. In my moments of distress I have bemoaned that I am stuck in a dead end job, I am barren AND childless. Those dark moments are pretty rare. They are usually days associated with high hormone activity (like my own person 40 days and 40 nights which is blessedly over now) or when I am dangerously over tired. In reality I have nothing to fear from 34. It is not like there is anything particularly scary about that number. Well I lie. There is something a little scary. 34 is exactly 10 years younger then my Mother was when she died. I know it doesn't MEAN anything... but those little things they eat at a person very slowly and subtly. I am going to make it my mission to overcome this fear. I know that you can't have a great day EVERY day but this year I am going to make it my goal to have more days that are good, that are happy, that are productive. Less days with poor me parties, less days where I feel disconnected from the world, less days where I take out my frustrations on my husband and other loved ones. This is the year I learn to roll with the punches, to not fall apart when the plan changes. This is the year I stop taking things so personally. This is the year I start placing my faith in others, in god and in myself.
Is that too tall an order?? Nah, I don't think so either.

We'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne...

Well the first day of 2009 has been a pretty good one. we spent last night with just a few friends and some food and a couple of drinks. The weather which was truly frightful kept things pretty subdued which is of course what I like. When we got home at about 12:20am I checked my Facebook before heading to be and found out that a couple who went through PRIDE with us have a brand new baby boy. They got a new born which is just incredible. I am so thrilled for them, and of course green with envy.
I spent most of today packing up all the Christmas decorations and getting the house ready for my big slumber party on the weekend. I would be totally psyched if I didn't have such a rotten headache at the moment. I am sure it is caused by all the funky weather. It actually snowed for more then 24 hours. It is madness but beautiful of course. If only I was going to get a snow day out of it, but I won't. Tomorrow morning I am going to have to drag my sad ass out of bed and go to work and there will be NOTHING to do there because the rest of the world is pretty much shut down for business. Next year if I am not off on leave I am taking a big chunk of time off over the holidays. I just could not afford to do that this year.
I haven't made any resolutions per se for this year but I hope to live well. I hope to be a good wife and a good friend.
I hope you all enjoyed a day off. I hope you are filled with the spirit of possibility.