Well you know that for a long time now Gil and I have been trying to expand our family of two. We tried the old fashioned way. We tried fertility treatments and when we reached our threshold there we turned to adoption. It seemed like a perfectly natural progression. We presumed that while it was not going to be easy it would be better then what we had been through with the Clomid. Well if wishes were horses right? The adoption process has proved to be longer, harder and much more stressful that either of us ever expected. MUCH harder. On the 18th of November we met with the social worker she told us it was not going to be a happy meeting. It wasn't. They want to send both Gil and I for intensive therapy for however long it takes! Then they want us to start all over again from the beginning. Yup. You read me right. Months of therapy followed by starting back at square one. It was a lot for us to swallow. We drove home in silence. We had been told so many times that it wouldn't matter that neither of us grew up in a Cosby/Cleaver family but clearly that was a lie. We are being singled out for being different and I know it. It is very obvious.
The silence continued for a long time. Clearly we were both away in our own heads. Certainly there was lots of talking for us to do but this was going to be a time we both needed to internalize.
I didn't sleep much that night, I tossed and turned and I while I did that I started making lists, of the mental variety. What were our options. To continue with this frustrating adoption process. To go back to the Clomid, after all there was about $400 worth sitting in my underwear drawer. Or there was the other option, we could stop. everything.
I made some mental columns and started making further lists, pros and cons. Yeah I didn't sleep much that night.
Our quiet day turned into a few quiet days but my lists grew. We started making jokes about the elephant in the room, who often seemed to be sitting right on my chest. Yup soon we were going to have to talk.
A few mornings later in the car on the way to work I told Gil about my lists of pros and cons, and which list had the most pros. He told me he had come to the same conclusion. When he dropped me off at work that morning. I felt light, almost giddy. I felt free. We had without much fan fair decided to become a family of two.
I know most people are going to find this shocking and maybe difficult to digest. Why would we give up? I will tell you that unless you have lived through infertility you can not wrap your head around how much of your life it consumes. Yes I want to be a mother and I doubt that will ever go away. I love babies and children. But I love myself more, I love my husband more, I love my marriage more. I love my mental health more. I feel like I have lost all perspective about life since we started trying to have a child. I feel Like I have stopped putting energy into things that really matter like me, and my husband and our life together. We could keep going down either road but it wouldn't be pleasant and we would certainly continue to be unhappy, stressed out and growing apart. Ours is certainly not a marriage in trouble but is a marriage that has been under stress since day one and we want to amend that. Both of us. I honestly think another run with the Clomid would be as hard on Gil as me. It is so hard to explain what that is like to one who has not experienced it but imagine PMS times approximately one million and you are somewhere close.
We could continue with the adoption road. But frankly we have hit the wall. In 2.5 weeks Gil will be 38 years old and in 5 weeks I will be 35. We are by no means old but when you consider that we would be starting all over again AFTER the therapy we are looking at being 37 and 40 by the time we have a placement. Neither of us want that and if that is selfish so be it. I will be selfish. That is okay with us. The only people who get a say in this are Gil and I.
I am not saying by any means that this has been an easy choice or that it won't come with it's share of grief. But I can tell you that since we have made it official for ourselves we have both been lighter. We have been talking more. We both seem relieved. I am sure I will have lots more to say about the subject as time progresses but for now ... I think this is the right thing and I thank you in advance for your support.
