Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Day 4! Sleepy talk

I should stop writing these when I am so tired. I would probably sound a lot more sane if I weren't already in bed and half asleep. Lulu is in the bed with me, she is the worst bed hog ever, even worse then Gil but she is sleeping on my feel and that is cute so I let her stay... for now. The sun came out today, that was a good thing. I got off of work half an hour early which was for the best as I am pretty sure I was getting very close to understanding what goes through the mind of a spree killer. We were late getting home because we were detained at Gil's work (he got Larried) but when we got home no one had any accidents so I am calling that a victory. We went out and had a nice dinner at our local. We ran some errands, hit Chapters and got a few books and some more snooty coffee (HELLS YEAH!) and when we got home again there were no accidents! I am calling this a good day. Although we didn't get out for a big walk tonight. The dogs still seem tired from last nights run in the fog. I am hoping we can head down to Fisherman's Cove tomorrow, there is a big Greyhound event going on there for Canada Day. Gil will be working most of the day but I think I can convince him to take an hour off on the statutory holiday... maybe.
People keep asking me if I have big plans for Canada Day and I am almost embarrassed to say no, but it is true, we never make plans for Canada Day. We just enjoy having the time off to do nothing. Every weekend is packed with a million things we have to do, Canada Day is like a bonus day that I don't have to feel guilty about if I do nothing at all. If I don't go to a BBQ, if I don't do a parade, if I don't head down to watch the fireworks that does not make me any less patriotic. I am just a low key kind of girl. I am going to thank this great nation for the liberties that I enjoy by... enjoying them. I don't like feeling pressured to have a great time. That is why I started hating New Years Eve. The pressure to have the greatest night of the year. I love Canada EVERY DAY, like Valentines I don't need a holiday to put my love on display. But if you want to give me a day so that I can sit around drinking iced tea and reading.... bring it on!
I actually feel a little bad for all the people who are going to party hardy tomorrow and then are going to have to drag their sorry butts into work on Friday with a hangover. Well okay I don't feel SORRY so much as I feel like pointing and laughing but that is just mean.
It is a nice night out and their is a cool breeze coming in the bedroom window and I am so glad for that. I am tired of the muggy night when the humidity and heat turn my husband into a one man dreaming, killing machine. His sleep walking always seems worse when it is hot and sticky out. I am not sure when but something about those conditions just mess with his brain waves. As he gets older, not that he is old or anything because 38 is totally young!, he is actually getting more active in his sleep. Some nights he is up two or three times. And those are just the times I notice. I am a fairly light sleeper so it is likely that I am getting up each time he is but my worst fear is that I will stay asleep and he will hurt himself.
I do my best to keep him in the bedroom on those occasions because I am worried about him on the stairs but I am told that sleep walkers can actually maneuver around their environment very well and that I don't have to worry so much.
Of course some nights I don't get a say in sleeping or not. Those are the nights that he pokes, prods, shakes or punches me until I wake up. I KNOW he is not in control at those times and I don't hold him responsible at all but let me tell you it is hard to keep a cool head when you are being shaken awake at 3:00 am being told "WE HAVE TO GO NOW!! NOW NOW NOW!!!" In the retelling of these tales it is always much funnier but nothing is that funny at that hour. I feel bad for poor Gil who gets the run down of his nightly adventures over breakfast and he always seems so painfully embarrassed. The other night I managed to get him back into bed and what ever he was dreaming about had him particularly grumpy so I told him he was very good for getting back into bed and he snapped back at me "I haven't even DONE anything yet!!" I told him that I thought he was good nonetheless and he countered with a totally contrite "WHATEVER!" It was so funny because he was SOOO mad, I was literally laughing about it the whole next day.
And people wonder why I am tired all the time! LOL between the sleep walking/taking husband, the kitty who starts crying at the bedroom door at 5 am and the dogs I don't think I have had a full nights sleep in years!
Lulu is still at my feet, now SHE is dreaming. Her legs are going crazy like she is running. It is too funny to watch. I might be tired but this family is worth it. :)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Day 3

Well okay, things are slightly less bleak today. Thank you for indulging my pity party last night. I decided today that despite my pledge not to take any vacation time until we go to Mexico in February that I have to take a day or two because I am facing total burn out and that is not cool. And if we can get someone to watch the dogs for 24 hours this weekend we are going to run away for a night. I just need some time to rest. If two dogs have me this burnt out I have no idea how people handle children. Maybe infertility happened to us for a reason, maybe I am not cut out for parenthood. Maybe.
So I booked two days off in July to give myself an uber long weekend. Gil is not going to take the time off so I am just going to be a total bum which I am fine with. My only plans are to walk, sleep and read. This sounds good to me. I hope the weather is good in the time i picked. If only I had picked up that Crystal Ball I saw on Kijiji!
We took the dogs for a nice run in the fog tonight. It had been too long since they had a really good run and you could tell by their behavior that need to burn off some extra energy. When we came home from work tonight we found that one of them (Lulu I am SURE) had eaten one of Gil's new leather work gloves. Not to mention several to do lists and some recipts. That Lulu is a chewer. Anyway they ran their asses off at the good ball field so hopefully they will sleep well tonight. We all need a good nights sleep. Maybe the fog horn can wait until 6am to start blowing rather then 5 or 5:30.
The Queen has been in town visiting the last two days. Yes THE Queen, the one from England. I wonder if her bedroom is sound proof? I can't think that she would enjoy being woken up at 5am by the fog horn. Or maybe she is already up at that time. Not me. If I were the Queen I would sleep until 8:15am EVERY DAY! I would make it the law. And on Saturdays I would leave the option to sleep until 9:30!! Yeah I am that hardcore! Maybe you should all thank your lucky stars I am not the Queen of Canada. If I were the queen would I have to pick a religion? I mean on of her titles is defender of the faith right? I guess I couldn't just say "I defend them all!" or "Grow up and fight your own battles!" or "truly I don't care today I just want tea and crumpets dammit!"
Yeah I might be a little loopy with fatigue. It was a long day today. It has been a very long month at work but I think it might have paid off. I will keep you posted. It was our first full month with the summer student I/we hired and I am telling you it has been rough. Yesterday I caught her on the phone... CHEWING GUM! I am not even kidding. We talk on the phone for a living. WE DO NOT CHEW GUM! My doctor wonders why my blood pressure is so high. Also in the last month she has missed more time at work then I did LAST YEAR. I am not even kidding. I told my boss flat out today that if she asks me to be a reference I have to say no. I know it is not a glamorous job but it is a job, you show up, you do your best, you suck it up. I am NOT a hard person to work for or with you just have to put some EFFORT into your job, that is all I ask. This girl clearly does not care. But as my boss keeps telling me it is only until September 1st and then I try someone new. And this time I will know better what I am looking for. This was my first time doing this so... I guess it could be worse... I am not sure at the moment how it might be worse but I am sure it could. All things considered I am glad I came back to Dunder Mifflin. There are still things that drive me crazy of course but I am much happier then I was. I am glad I left. I am glad I had the chance to grow up a little bit but I am happy I came back. I feel so valued there, I feel like my thoughts and opinion matter. I never felt like that at the hospital. The people there we perfectly nice but I never felt like I belonged, I always felt on the outside. Dunder Mifflin is like a terribly dysfunctional family but family nonetheless. People really care about each other and go out of their way to help you. Plus they pay me better then the hospital so... YAY! 'Cause let's face it, at the end of the day the all mighty dollar is very persuasive. I will never earn in the same category as Gil but at least now I feel like I am making some kind of contribution. At the hospital I was hemorrhaging money. Not to mention gaining a TONNE of weight working next to a convenience store. Pops! Chips! Coronary! Yes Please!
So I do need a little break from the place but all in all what I am saying is that I am happy I went back. Thank you god for letting work not be one of my stress points.

Monday, June 28, 2010

okay night #2 and I waited way too late to start, it is 9:40pm which in the Meggy-verse is actually rather later. I am an early to bed, early to rise kind of girl but a promise is a promise even if it is only to ones self. Or maybe especially to ones self. It was a miserable kind of day here. It pour rain ALL day which I can enjoy if I am in the right mood but I woke up this morning feeling bleak and the day only got worse so the miserable rain just felt... well miserable. My morning started at 5:30am with the god forsaken fog horn blaring its awful noise over and over and over and over... you get it right. When I did all asleep again I kept dreaming of ex boyfriends and lovers. As well as being lost in LasVegas and only being able to find the exit that leads to England. Weird right?! I know dreams are just stuff and nonsense but sometimes they really get under my skin. This was one of those mornings.I felt like I had been unfaithful in my brain, which again I know is foolish but....I guess I can't help what I dream.
Then I had a doctors appointment where the doc told me something I didn't want to hear and so I was just miserable for the rest of the day. I hated work, I hated at least one of my co-workers. I hated all my customers.
I feel in a miserable rut. I haven't been doing very well with weight watchers but I seem to be unable to muster any real enthusiasm for the program at the moment. Worse still I seem to be having a difficult time getting moving. I did get out for a walk with Lulu tonight but it wasn't a great one. It was still so wet and dreary and my soul was wearing the matching shirt. I hate feeling funky like this because I know that I am the only one who can change it and I just have to DO IT. Like Nike says... Just Do It! but sometimes it doesn't feel that easy. Some days it feels like the whole universe and my brain are conspiring against me. But I know I have to take control. It sort of feels a bit like PMS now that I am writing about it. Like every once and a while I feel like the most miserable, rotten, fat ugly human being in the world and then my period starts and I think "OH! That makes sense!" I feel like that at the moment but with out the sense making menstrual cycle. I feel like there is a switch inside me that I should just be able to flip and feel better but I have forgotten how. And then I feel guilty because I am throwing myself a pity party where there is really nothing wrong with my life that a nap and some exercise couldn't fix. I don't want to be that girl who is always whining about what an awful day she is having. I hate that girl. I hate that negative person. I want to be to feel good girl. I want to be the girl everyone is so proud of because she is working so hard to not be such a fat loser. Instead I am the girl who is back sliding once ounce at a time and I hate myself for that. What is the matter with me??! Why can't I just do it right? I don't know how I got here but I hate living my life thinking about every morsel of food that passes my lips. My whole life has become about this weight battle. I just want to eat and live. I enjoy food. I love food, good food. Why does my whole life have to be about this one thing. How did I get here? I don't want to weight and measure and calculate points and worry about every thing. I don't want my whole weekend, hell my whole week to be good or bad based on what the scale said. I gained 1 pound and I HATE myself. That is not normal. I am tired. I am so tired. Maybe I don't care if I am fat forever. Maybe that is just who I am. Maybe I was to drown my feelings in a bag of chips and dip. Maybe I don't want to eat one more god forsaken piece of disgusting celery. Maybe I don't want my husband to ask me at the dinner table how many Points I had today! Maybe I just want to be free and normal. I don't even know right now why I am doing this. I know it will come back to me but right now I am just lost. Lost, lost, lost. I can't see the forest for the trees and I really just want to find my way back to civilization where I can enjoy a glass of red wine with out the 10 ounces of guilt. I want to want this and at the moment I don't. At the moment I am derailed and I don't know how to get back on track. At the moment I am just an angry fat girl. I AM AN ANGRY FAT GIRL. Where the hell did all this come from? See there is something wrong with this brain. I am wired wrong. I need to go to sleep. maybe tomorrow it will all look right again. Please dear god do not let that fog horn start blowing at the crack of dawn. I am begging you.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Okay, here we go again. I am once again going to do the impossible; blog every day for a week. The rules are easy I have to sit and write for half an hour in the evening with no distractions. Today I am not even going to put on any music. I want to be mindful of what is going on around me. I do have the windows open so I can hear the sounds of urban/suburban Sunday night... a weed whacker,squealing children, my neighbour putting garbage out. In the house I have a dog snoring to my right and as I type this I am watching Oliver try and work up the courage to walk past the broom which is clearly terrifying him. Poor dog. In the next room I can hear Gil industriously blowing the crap out of stuff in the video game de jour. Good on him, he worked damn hard this weekend! Our yard is actually starting to really come together. I just need to dedicate some more time to the pulling of weeds. But I can't right now, I am dedicating my time to you.
I am actually sitting comfortably in the living room and I can see the floor for the first time in months as things have started to make their way back down to the basement. THANK GOODNESS! We don't have a proper floor down there at the moment, just a sub floor but for now it is what we can live with and afford. (For anyone keeping track Oliver just gave up his battle with the broom and went back to his bed under the living room window. That is Broom 1 - Oliver 0.... okay maybe I have been watching too much World Cup Football)
Anyway, the living room looks good. Tonight I was able to sweep and dust. I am still find bits of the dang god bed that Lulu destroyed but I have a feeling that I will be finding those bits for a long time to come. I am so happy to be back in my chair, in my favorite room. I have missed my spot! I love sitting next to the window with that light breeze blowing in on me. I can heard birds singing and the train whistled just blew. Actually it is very quiet compared to the last few nights. Halifax has been in full on party mode over the weekend with 5000 NATO sailors in town and the sounds of music and mayhem have been drifting across the water and in through our windows all weekend. Last night it was SO loud in our back yard Oliver was too afraid to poop. I mean I know my boy is a scardy pup but he can always muster a pooh. I felt like I was torturing him by keeping him out there rocking out to the tunes but it was better then the alternative, me up cleaning dog crap of the kitchen floor at 2am.
Speaking of dogs and accidents.... we are doing very well on that front. One this weekend, Miss Lulu seemed to think that my sleeping until 7:45am was too decedent and she could wait no longer. However all in all things have been great with her. The big turn around came when we stopped crating her. Basically she never gets crated any more. I leave her out all night and all day while we are at work and it has really worked out for everyone. She is not at all as crazy any more. I get to sleep past 4:30am because as it turned out she didn't have to go to the bathroom so much as she was bored and lonely. I am not sure what the "proper" length of time is for a Greyhound to be in their crate, Oliver's crate hasn't really been closed since the first week we had him, but I would say if it works for us that is good enough. In fact I am planing on taking her crate down to the basement this week. I will leave it set up in case we really need to put er in for some reason but as of now I think we can officially call her a house dog. Oliver on the other hand will never give up his crate. He loves it there. That is his place. He spends A LOT more time out of it these days, he loves the beds in the living room but push come to shove he is a crate boy. He takes all his meals in there, will only drink water in there. For the most part he won't even take a treat from me unless I give it to him in his crate. I think we will have that one up for a long long time. It is his security blanket and I am okay with that.
I feel a bit bad, it has been all dogs all the time the last few months but we do still have our two awesome cats. Tikka continues to be mad about the presence of the doggy invaders and spends most of her time seeking out higher ground and hissing. She was recently diagnosed with sever arthritis in her hips which also might account for some of her sour disposition. We started her on new food which is supposed to help with the pain and I have noticed that she is moving a lot better. Did you know cat xrays are REALLY expensive? It's true. But at least we know what is wrong with her now.
Mango on the other hands seems to not mind/almost enjoy the dogs. If only because the dogs going in and out of the house on a regular basis has made it possible for her to sneak out more often. She was born to be an outdoor cat but we continue to foil her at every turn. Poor girl. She is loving the summer weather too because it means that the windows are open and she has a place to sit and dream about catching all those birds and bugs.
Well I didn't think I would be able to type for half an hour straight with now break and no distractions but the clock tells me I am done. Now if only I can keep it up for the whole week. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Are you familiar with those ubiquitous online quizzes? What colour are you? What is your spirit animal? Are you a sex goddess? Well I need a new one. What spiritual path with bring you fulfillment? Because I have to tell you I am feeling spiritually empty at the moment. At a time in history well religion is literally a free all you can eat smorgasbord I am starving. I have long considered myself a liberal Catholic; if only because that is the tradition I was raised in and I was most comfortable with. However I have also said that I think that lots of other religions both mono, poly and atheistic have a lot to offer the world and I don’t believe that any other them are the ONLY true religion. Truly it baffles my mind that any one could think there is only one path to God.
Though I haven’t been a practicing Catholic in a number of years I am fairly certain that this year I stopped being Catholic in my heart, which is were it really counts. I have wanted to stay Catholic because of its beauty, its mystery and its connection to my Mother. However I can no longer give faithfulness to a religion that stands in direct contradiction with so many of my core beliefs. I feel as though I went to bed with a passionate young lover and woke up 10 years later next to a man I barley know and have nothing in common with. We have been walking through our lives next to each other but we have no connection. It is time for a divorce and I am sighting “Irreconcilable Differences”. That is pretty funny actually since neither the Church nor I believe in divorce.
So if the Catholic Church and I are not speaking but there in still a god shaped hole in my… soul… heart…universe...where do I turn?
I don’t want to be a Johnny Come Lately, a band wagon jumper or a wannabe. But how do you window shop for a new spiritual belief? Can you just wander in and try it on with out committing to a sale? Can I take it for a test drive, maybe over the weekend and bring it back Monday morning if we don’t jive?
If I have already some firm morals and values do I even NEED a structured belief system? Well I suppose the answer is yes since my values have not already filled the god shaped void. Not to mention that I often find myself longing to belong to a community. Maybe that sounds a little “Made for TV- Special” but I think it is actually biological, evolutionary. Community is a safety net, a warm blanket, a hot cup of tea. Community is the giving and receiving support and assistance. It is the exchange of idea around a coffee table and listening to someone’s fear at 3am. And while I certainly have a wonderful group of friends who I can call on to help me bail water out the basement or lay a new floor or go to a movie with and just laugh. Spiritually speaking I am out in the woods alone.
I married a man who is very private about his religious/spiritual beliefs if he has any. I don’t have a problem with that but I can almost understand how for so long mixed religion marriages were frowned on. It is complicated some days to be in a relationship were each person has such different beliefs, different needs, different views of the universe. While we certainly don’t have any conflict in our marriage my belief or his lack thereof we also don’t have any symbiosis. We went into our marriage with our eyes open to the others convictions and we accept our differences gladly but I can imagine that it would be comfort to be in a more spiritual union with your spouse; like having a religious gym buddy. Okay I know that sounds lame, but at the same time I think you know exactly what I am talking about.
As for my friends…I have no idea. Faith and Spirituality are not things we tend to talk about. We talk about movies and books and music. We talk about our husbands or kids and our parents. We talk about whatever game champagne we are playing (we are geeks after all), we talk about what we would do if we won the million dollars. We talk about our jobs, our stress and our dreams, heck some of us even talk about sex. But talking about religion? That would be gauche. 
Because of this I know very little about how most of my friends feel about the subjects of Religion and Spirituality. A few I know are actually practicing Catholics. A few are lapsed Christians mostly Protestant or Catholic and only while they were children and their parents controlled their Sunday mornings. The most devout people I know are a small handful of Pagan/Wiccans who really seem to genuinely involved and happy with their spiritual conviction.   I presume however, with no evidence to back it up, that most of my friends are Atheists. I don’t have a particular feeling about that. I don’t think it is good bad or other wise but from time to time I do wonder “I am the only one with the God shaped hole?” If so what does that say about me? About the society I live in? Were times easier, people nicer, families happier, the economy better, teenagers better behaved back when the majority of people had some religious affiliation at least for an hour a week? Or does my yearning for spiritual fulfillment point to me being genetically inferior and not getting on the evolutionary train? (Just to clarify by this I DO NOT mean to imply that I do not believe in Evolution. I mean that I am not highly evolved.)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Another day, another solemn mood. I don't know why my evenings have been so cranky lately. I am suppose it is because I am so damn tired. But last night Miss Lulu slept all the way through the night so maybe my endless fatigue is on its way to an end.I just feel like there are not enough hours in the day and when I get home in the evening I am too tired or lazy or overwhelmed to get anything done. I need to make a change. Really I do. But I don't know where to start. Where do I start? I need to! I want to feel good. I want to feel productive. I want to have a nice house and pretty yard and good things. And I can. All that is totally within my grasp if I just get off my ass.
I need to make a change. What do I do?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Things have been VERY busy around these parts. Gil and I have been getting off our bums and getting some real yard work done. Tonight my body hurts all over because we spent the whole day in the yard pushing, pulling, planting, mowing and sweating. I feel so guilty that I have let the beautiful yard go to pot it was so lovely when we moved here. However I found it totally over whelming. Nothing in my experience prepared me for this yard. But I have decided to end the stalemate and perhaps the effort will end my funk. I want a pretty yard. I really do. I don't know why it matters but it does.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

China Town

 A few days ago Gil and I ended up at China Town for dinner. It was a weird weather day sunny and stormy all at the same time. We sat by the window so we could watch the rainbows pop up over Halifax Harbour. As we were sitting there I was reminded of all the times I had been to the same restaurant in my life; China Town is a Halifax Institution. I remember going there with my whole family in 82 or 83. Mom, Dad, my three brothers and me. It was so fancy. Though there were many terrible things going on with our family at that time that is a great memory.
The picture on the left is me on the dock at the marina right outside the restaurant.  We didn't actually get to eat on this visit. I was visiting Halifax with my then fiance and I was taking him on a tour of all my favorite Halifax spots. I am a fan of that picture. I was young, thin and HOT. I guess that is beside the point.