Tomorrow...

Gil has a hot date with the social worker tomorrow morning. I am feeling pretty calm. The house is pretty clean and I am tired about stressing out so I have decided not to any more. There you go. We are getting some supplies from friends who have out grown their baby stuff to have on hand for when we start respite (god let it be soon!) I just want to see that we are ready for this. Yeah I guess I am still stressing. But have you met me? Stress is my thing. :)

Monday.

okay... Monday sucked. I mean really... SUCKED. I didn't sleep well I was tired all day even after two cups of tea. The new flake a work who I said had no longevity has quit, colour me shocked!
Anyway it looks like it is going to be a long week. Maybe I will be to busy and too tired to worry about the home study. Also went to see family doctor tonight my blood pressure was 130/85 which is pretty much perfect so basically we are saying that the scary numbers were an anomaly or the doc heard wrong. Either way I am a happy chicken!

Going to bed now. pray Tuesday is a better day.

Where the hell does the weekend go? I blinked and it is gone. I can't wait until the end of November/ first of December when we have a whole week off with nothing to do but sit in front of a fire place and read. I know it sounds sissy but I can't remember the last time I felt like my batteries were fully charged. Once we are parents I know there won't be much time for battery charging and I know that will take its toll but I am ready to make that sacrifice. Right now should be a time for us, for getting ready and for strengthening our bonds. Relationships change once you have children so let us for now enjoy being in the present with each other. Yeah that sounds good.

Another Saturday morning musing,

Well I/we had a very long week and I am pleased to report that it is over and for at least today we can settle back down into some kind of relaxation mode. Gil as it turned out had to go to Toronto this week, OF COURSE. I mean it is only logical right? We finally get a date for our home study and work has to whisk him away. But he put his foot down and said he needed to be here on Thursday and so he was. I love my man.
So of course Thursday came and as did the social worker. It went very well. It was just a first meeting, you know but faces to names, fill out more paper work, but we did talk a lot (did I talk too much??!!), she looked at pictures of our wedding which of course I love to show off. We talked for about an hour, it was good. Next on the docket Gil starts his individual sessions with her. This of course has my inner control freak on pins and needles but I am going to be totally cool. The time has come to deal with the fact that I can not control every situation.
Look at me learning and growing.
I know logically I can't control everything. I mean the weather seems well out of my grasp, but it is hard for me and I know that the social worker is going to see that about me. It is one of the things I worry about the most. You know that and the fact that my personal history sounds like a Danielle Steel novel only smuttier and more drug addled.
Okay off to slack. Have a great day!

The day before.

Oh my brain! I am exploding with thoughts and worries and STUFF. I wish my hubby was home. I know I would still be going mental however at least I would have lots of hugs and reassurances. I hate that he is flying today. I mean I always hate it when he flies but I am more nervous today. It feels like there is so much at stake. I am watching some West Wing because that always chills be out, yeah tv is a bit like a drug but tonight I think it is the lesser of two evils. Actually I don't know what the other evil might be since I don't drink, smoke do drugs or ... I dunno other vices. Not true, food is my vice. I already ate some crappy dinner and now my guts feel icky. Weird, since cutting out so much crappy food now when I DO eat it it really upsets my delicate system. I had Kraft dinner and I am just feel awful. I know that part of it is my nerves but I honestly think that the bulk of it is that there is no nutritional value to KD, that I have had no good veggies today and that I ate chicken twice. Now that I hardly eat meat when I do I really feel it.
Anyway my brain is all over the place but the house is looking pretty good, certainly good enough. Tomorrow is going to happen no matter what I do at this point. It is a little bit like the night before a big exam, at a certain point studying more is not going to change a thing.
I have to work early so I guess I am just going to go to bed with an extra prayer in my heart.

Thoughts on Las Vegas - Part Two

I am trying to not focus too much on the home study (2 DAYS!!) So I am going back to reflecting on Vegas.
Las Vegas is a truly incredible and weird place. It was a lot like what I imagine Wonderland would be like for grown ups. I doubt highly that there is such a thing as a "normal" Las Vegas experience. I think it all depends on which little bottle you drink from or which cookie you bite. Every where I turned there were amazing, strange monuments and lights and sculptures. There were lights and fountains and even Elvis! I felt like I had crossed into some alternate reality dimension where things like work and responsibility were moot. Hours of the day ceased to have any true meaning. Food, drink and frivolity were pretty much a 24 hours free for all. Part of me wishes I had been able to stay out late and party with the stars, but as I mentioned I couldn't get off Atlantic time. I am betting that Vegas gets even wilder and weirder in the late night hours.
Okay. I know that isn't a big reflection but honestly I can't get my brain off the home study so I am going to scrub the toilet for the 15th time.

Thoughts on Las Vegas - Part One

As you may know Gil and I had a unique experience this summer which came in the form of a mostly free trip to Las Vegas Nevada. It was one of the weirdest experiences of my life and at the same time it was totally amazing. I have never in my life been any place warmer then summer in Nova Scotia. Well, that is not exactly true, I did spend some very hot summers in Ontario as a child but you get the picture, I have never been anywhere hot.
There was nothing on earth that could prepare me for the heat that we encountered in the desert of Nevada. Sure there is air conditioning all over the place but there was no avoiding being outside altogether. The coolest temperatures I saw while we were there were when I woke up each day at 4am (my awful inability to get off Atlantic time). At 4am most days it was roughly 25 degrees celsius. Yup before the sun rose it was was already a hot summer Halifax day.
The first day we were there we decided to walk to the Bellagio for lunch, it was about mid day and it was probably 45 degrees outside. We had no idea what we were in for. The Strip is not that long really but in that heat it felt like forever, by the time we got to our destination we were both hot, nauseous and cranky. It was a real learning experience. After that we never left the hotel without water, we always had hats and we learned pretty fast the best ways to get around without having to go outside. We also learned that the best thing you can do for yourself is to take some time to relax during the hottest parts of the day. Lots of people made use of the the many pools that litter the strip, I did go up to our pool but I could not bring myself to go in. The pool was the one place where the Vegas was just like the Vegas of TV. It was a spawning ground for incredibly beautiful people, a land of boob jobs and bikinis. I never felt so un in my whole life. However we did have a HUGE bath tub so when we needed to cool down we would go back fill the enormous tub with cool water and just chill out (pardon the pun) for half an hour or so. It sincerely made me feel like a new person.
People keep asking me how Vegas was and my first response is always about the heat. It made a serious impression on me. Next time I will talk about something else I promise.

Full of it...

Yeah I am full of it at the moment...creative, nervous energy that is. The cats had me up at 7:30 demanding food. I guess a child won't be much different then that. I don't mind being up so early. I have definitely found in the last year or so that I am increasingly one of those morning people. Specifically I really enjoy the days when Gil and I get up extra early and go to the gym before work. It is so much easier then trying to muster the energy in the evening. The is an added bonus here, at 7am the only people in the gym are senior citizens so I don't feel quite to compelled to compare myself or feel judged. I suppose we may have to change our routine when we finally have a child but I trust that we will eventually find equilibrium.
I am fighting the urge to clean to the extent that I feel I should, I don't want to make our house look or feel like a show home. I want to look like what it is, a home where real people live but at the same time I am worried about the strangest things. I have a bottle of wine on the counter, it is unopened. It has been there since July when Shannon was home. I have always wanted to live in a home with a wine rack, good cheese and books, it is part of my pretension, but now I feel the need to hide my wine away. I want to be myself and I want to be exactly what they want. I guess I really won't know until the social worker is here in our home. I feel so on display and I know it is a part of what we signed up for but I can't help but resent it a tiny bit. I mean if I got pregnant no one would becoming into our home to judge if we were fit to bring the child home, not unless we had already had dealings with child welfare. Anyway, mostly I am excited because I think we are getting closer. I hope fervently the the social worker sees Gil and I for the unique, wonderful, quirky couple that we are and helps us to find the child that is out there waiting for us. Some days it is hard for me to imagine there being more then just he and I because it has been just the two of us for almost 8 years, but I feel in my heart of hearts that we are meant to be a bigger family. I look at Gil and I can see that he is meant to be a father. And with all my strangeness, with all my struggles and all my experience I have no doubt that I want to be a mother, that I can pass on the amazing love my mother gave to me those first 9 years. She saved my life with that love, I don't think I would have survived all that came later if I hadn't had her. I want the chance to give that back into the universe.
Okay I am going clean just a little more... nothing obsessive or anything I swear.

Weird things that happen in my house...

Okay, I have a great many friends. They are all unique and special to me. They are a veritable rainbow of weird and wonderful however some of them are weirder then others. For example this weekend we played host to our friend T. who is a bonafide hippy. I am very fond of T. and we have been friends for a LONG time. As a bonus he also clicked perfectly with my darling husband so we are all amused when T. comes for a visit. Along with food that is entirely to healthy, as we always insist that T. cooks, we also have the most bizarre conversations like the one that follows...

Me:places empty pop bottle in green bin
T : "oh I was saving that in case I need to poop."
Me: " Oh it was empty."
T: "yeah, I was saving it because I don't use toilet paper."
M: stunned silence...
M again: "OH!"

Yup weird and only in my house. I love my friends and I love my life.

News!

Houston we have a date for our home study!! Okay so that doesn't roll off the tongue so easy but it is true. We have a new social worker and we are going to meet her next Thursday at 3:30 here in our home and we are going to start. I am terribly nervous because I don't get to be in control in this situation but more then nervous I am just plain excited. I know that given the chance Gil and I will be great parents, especially as a team. We really are a good team. I love him so much. I love that he makes me a better person. I am feeling very gushy about him today but I won't make you all gag by running on and on about the depth and breadth of my love.
Of course there is a huge part of me that wants to clean this house until every surface gleams but there is a part of me that just wants her to see us for who we really are, and let's face it. Neat freaks we are not. Our house is nice, it is comfortable, it is not usually "dirty" but it is often untidy. I don't think that would make us better or worse parents. I try to follow the fly lady and one of these days I might even get get good at it but in the mean time I don't think many people have gone to their grave wishing that their house had been cleaner. Unless of course their dirty house killed them, that would be awful.
Well I am off to run errands because I am officially turned into my mother, I am dropping winter coats off to be dry cleaned. Have mercy on me.

Where to start?

It is not that I have had nothing to write about, it’s that I am lazy. I have sat down to write every evening but I get distracted by the evil that is the internet. My current obsession, vegetarian recipes! Sounds a little lame but hey that is me. Today I walk out of the ladies washroom at work, into a busy foyer, with my skirt tucked into my panties. My life IS a sitcom. I suppose it could be worse, it could be a daytime soap!

There has been so much going on I don't even know where to start. Adoption, the switch to flexetarian, joining the gym. Our trip to Las Vegas, my insane cats, my insane job. My life is so interesting I am just overwhelmed by it. I suppose there could be worse things. ;)