Monday, January 28, 2008

More questions....

1.What level of openness am I able to handle, emotionally
2.Who am I willing to visit with? Both birth parents? Biological grandparents? Aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family? Friends of the birth parents

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Questions I have about adoption?

1. Can I Christen/Baptize an older child who may have already been baptized by their birth parents?

2. If we adopt from Children's Aid isn't there a chance that the birth parents are local and we could at some point bump into them?

A frustrating time....

Well here we are again; hormonal, tired, over emotional. This cycle of Clomid has really taken a toll on me. I am exhausted. I don't know how to keep it up. I don't know how some women do this for years. I don't want every thing in my whole life to revolve around getting pregnant. My marriage is the most important relationship in my world. I don't want the process of having to have a child to have a negative impact on that. I would rather be married to Gil then have a baby. I don't think that Gil would leave me or anything, I mean don't get me wrong. But this treatment makes me crazy, it makes me insane, it makes me unhappy. When I am unhappy I am hard to live with. Really hard to live with. When I am hard to live with I make mistakes. I have fears. I want to be a mommy, more then just about anything. But there are lots of ways to meet that goal. I am 33 years old, I don't want to still be trying in 2 or 3 years and be an old mother, not when we can start our family soon through adoption. So we have started to lay the initial ground work. I have talked to a social worker and we are going to an information session next month and we will fill out more papers then. We have decided to have one more go on the Clomid and then after that no more "heroic measures". We will go full steam into adoption and then just have sex for fun and if we get pregnant then yay and if not we will have our other child/children.
So that is our choice, this is where we are going. yeah.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

So here we are again in the middle of a fertility treatment cycle. At the moment my ovaries are doing the tango out my back. My emotions are ALL over the place. I am basically exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well. Gil and I are starting to talk about where we go from here if this Clomid cycle doesn't work. Do we go another round, do we go stronger? Do we have the time and money to take the next step? When does infertility lead into adoption? Can I adopt given my personal history? I have already been looking into some adoption information and it is a scary process.
I think that Gil and I would be great parents given the chance. I worry that I will always wonder about what it would be like to have my "own" baby. I worry that we might not be good enough parents for a child with special needs. I worry about being judged not good enough. I think that I need to get some sleep. I need to rest and clear my head. Tomorrow is Friday and hen on the weekend I can rest. I can try and get more perspective. I can keep trying to make a baby with my husband until we are little and old.