The Silence Project - Round 3

I got off track for a little while with this project. It was hard with so much going on but I really wanted to get back on track. So when Sunday plans fell through I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to take the next step. 12 hours! SO I woke up at 7am in silence. I didn't log on to the computer, I didn't check my cell or send a text. I just started cleaning, planning, reading, hanging with the dogs, cleaning and before I knew it the 12 hours had passed. It was actually much easier that the 5 hours. I worked my ass off all day. I got so much done and I actually really enjoyed myself. I made a few great meals and got to hang clothes on the line. There were a couple of times I really wanted to update my facebook or find some info online, but I pushed past it. I felt really calm all day. At 2pm I accidentally said a word and at 5:30pm I made an exclamation/cuss when I burnt my hand. I feel really pleased with my overall accomplishment and I am really looking forward to the next round. I won't be able to finish by Labour day, life had set me too far off track but I will certainly do it before the end of the year.

The break up

WAAAAAY back in 2005 I made mention on my blog a ‘friend’ who I was having a problem with, what said was this…

“I have this one friend who always seems to need SO much and it is exhausting, it makes me reluctant to put myself out there. She makes me doubt the intentions of other people and I hate that. Anyway sometimes you have to cut people out.”

That was 6 years ago and I never did anything about it. The same ‘friend’ continued to make demands of me, of my time and of my energy.  I would be a liar to say that there were NO good times in there however in all honesty it was a draining, stressful and ultimately one sided relationship.

There had been time in the past 23 years that we had fought; times I couldn’t take it any longer and snapped and then we would have it out, we would say things to each other to be hurtful, sometimes we have not talked for weeks at a time but in the end one of us has always relented.  Other times we would get busy and more time would pass between calls and I would pray that maybe we were entering that phase where you just drift apart and we could end things with a whimper rather than a bang.

She continued to view and her best, and really only, friend but on my end the relationship continued to grow worse. I began to resent the constant demands, the manipulations, both subtle and overt; I began to loath the whinging and whining about how her life was such crap and how that was the fault of every one but her.

I found my self increasingly screening my calls, being evasive about plans and periodically out right lying to avoid spending time with her. But my guilt button is easy to push so I just kept going back, believing that I was obligated to be in this relationship because … we had history.

On August 1^st I hit the end of my proverbial rope. I knew without a doubt that I was done. There would be no fight; there would be no whimper and no bang. There would be only stony silence. It is funny how in the end it really does only take one straw to break the camels back. One snippy, petulant text message and I was finished.  Literally I felt something shift inside of me.  I didn’t have the energy to dodge any more phone calls. I don’t like the way I feel when I am dishonest, it robs something from me. I don’t like the way this relationship makes me feel and done with letting guilt and Newton’s first law keep me from breaking free. 

So I'm done. I broke up with a person who wasn't a romantic partner. It has been very weird and I have moments where I feel like a bad person but I am going to get over that and in the end I am going to be thankful that I did this thing for myself.

Thanks for listening.

WOOO!

I don't know how it happened but somehow I went from thinking about buying a car to owning a car! Yeah, that's right bitches I own a CAR!!! Today I signed all the paper work and drove away with my own car.
I really don't know what happened in the middle. I was asked a few questions, I corrected people on the correct spelling of my name about 42 times. And then I owned a car. It's outside right now. It's blue and pretty and .... well it's mine!
MINE!!!
okay. I have to go and stroke my baby a little more.  Pictures soon!

Grown Up

Today I feel like a grown up. I went to the bank and talked like a grown up. I told the man I wanted to do a very grown up thing... and he basically said yes. So I am buying a car! Can you believe that? I mean it, I am going to be a home owner, a wife and a car owner. SHIT! That is so friggin' wild. When did my life become so middle class and weird and awesome?  I have spent to whole evening shaking my head in wonder and looking at used cars.  Life is so weird.

blarg.

I am not sure what is the matter with me tonight but I am in a mood, the cranky kind not the "lalala flowers!" kind. I don't have a reason to be in a bad mood. Nothing bad happened today. No mean customers. No fights with my husband. No bad driving experiences. Just a plain ol' crappy mood. It happens.
Today I did something I have never done before. I took myself out for lunch... in the car. That was pretty damn cool. I really wanted out of the office for a little while so I just got in the car and went. I still feel like I am doing something naughty, like I am taking the car without permission but I am sure that will pass with time.
After having had the dogs in the Subaru a few times I am more determined than ever to buy a "dog car" for me and so I have made an appointment for myself at the bank later in the week. I am going to find out what I need to do in order to get a loan. I am nervous, I haven't ever done anything like this before. I feel like I am coming of age all over again. If only I had known 15 years ago what I know now.

The first day of the rest of my life.

So yesterday was the last day of our thirty day Totally Supportive and Slightly Belligerent writing challenge and I am ready to call it a success, counting yesterday I missed three days however they were three days were I was enjoying life too much to sit down and commit to writing. Enjoyment of life is more important than anything, including writing challenges. The other thing about yesterday is that I successfully completed my road test. I was so over the moon with joy but oddly enough was not doing much driving because I was just too excited to concentrate. But today, today was a different story. Today was the first day of my life as a driver. I drove with a dog in the car, I took Gil with me for our first trip out just to make sure that I could handle it. Oliver got his IV catheter out AND he had a good bathroom experience AND he ate from a bowl!!! I had to hold it but he ate from a bowl. Big day for our boy! When he was all settled and Gil had the situation in hand (they were all settling in for an afternoon nap) so I took my opportunity, grabbed my camera and the car keys and took myself on my first solo car ride. I had my iPod with my tunes, I had my A/C cranked and  I just drove. It was awesome. There was at least one part where I became a little nervous but I think that I handled myself well. I am not just tooting my own horn. I don't think that passing my road test had made me a magically great driver, I am not deluded; I have a long way to go before I become a good driver. However I was able to keep myself calm and do what I needed to do to feel safe. My camera and I stopped along the coast in Cowbay to take some pictures and to just take in the event. I felt like a million by the times I got home. I can't wait to get out and do it again. I have a feeling this car and I will be best friends before long. I know that it might get boring eventually but for now, for now it is amazing and freeing and just incredible. I know that I had to do it when the time was right, I know if I did it before I was ready I would have failed but now, 24 hours later, I wonder how I never did this before. People said this would happen and it is true. My list of things I want to do by myself is growing by leaps and bounds. Sometime this weekend I am taking Lulu and we are going to the beach, just the two of us, girls day out.

My first solo car adventure!

Day 29 - stress

I never in my life imagined that I would have a child with an eating disorder. Nor that said child would be the four legged variety. Most people think of dogs as mindless eating machines. I certainly did and to be fair one of mine is. But the other, my big baby boy is suffering. His anxiety is getting the better of him. When we got him he was almost dead on 80 lbs. today he weighed in at a mere 65 lbs. He is breaking my heart but we will continue to do WHATEVER we have to do to get and keep him well.

Day 28 - In which we are grateful I don't have a time machine.

Wow it is really hot in this house tonight. Talk about extremes. Today I finished my last drivers ed lesson; I got a certificate and everything. I was getting my first one roughly 18 years ago, how is that for ironic? Okay maybe not ironic, don't kill me for not fully understanding the meaning of the word, personally I blame a certain unnamed female singer with a string of hit in the late 90's.
Anyway if it's not ironic it is at least amusing. Life sure has changed a lot in 18 years.  I never could have predicted the path my life would wander. If some one had told me I would be here I surely would not have believe them. At 18 I knew EXACTLY how my life was going to go. After our trip to Europe I would go to university, Paul and I would both finish up at SMU and I would likely go on the get my B.Ed at Acadia or St.FX.
We would be married within 5 years. I knew the church, the colours, the flowers and the attendants. I knew we would start a family right away. I knew the names of the children we would have.
I knew who my friends were and who would be beside me forever. Everything, my whole life, was solid and secure the way only a person so young can imagine it to be. I didn't know I was on a precipice. I had no way to wrap my head around the fact that there could be bumps in my road and some of those bumps would be so huge that they would alter the course I took forever.
Part of me wishes I could go back and give my younger self a sneak piece. A few choice bits of advice. But I worry that if I could do that I might not end up with Gil and that would be the worst thing that could happen.
The 18 year old, if she believed me at all, would be devastated. She would not believe that life could be so wonderful without all the things she'd pinned her hopes on; without the boy, without the children, without the career. She would not/could not believe that she would find a man who in every way is her match or that the boy would be married to exactly the person he should be with their children, but she might be the tiniest bit relived that at least they didn't use her names.
She could not fathom that she could feel fulfilled with a life that did not include babies, lots and lots of babies. Her plan had ALWAYS included babies, long before she settled on a father she just knew that she would some day be a mother. I want to tell her that some Saturday morning when she is laying in bed reading with a cup of tea and trying to decide on where to go for brunch she will understand better; but I know she will have to wait and see.
She simply won't swallow the fact that her job with be earth shatteringly boring, literally sitting at a desk pushing paper, she would be incensed that we aren't DOING something with our life. And I would tell her we are happy to have a job, one that we are good at, one where we are valued and treated by our boss with respect and kindness. It isn't glamorous and we certainly aren't molding the minds of tomorrow but there are worse things, we could be flipping burgers or drawing unemployment. We get satisfaction in doing our job well and that is a good thing.

I wish I could tell her many things but I don't want to change the course of history, you never know what butterfly you might step on, but on thing I think I might sneak in when I get a chance is this "don't be so afraid of everything. Learn to drive. I promise you it is harder and more frightening at 36!"

Day 27 - From the ashes I rise!

I have pretty close a couple of times in the last few weeks to "re booking" my road test. By that I give you full license to read chicken out and quit because that would be what I was doing. Today is the closest. I actually had the phone in my hand, big fat tears running down my face, snot and the whole works. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to drive and I didn't want to humiliate myself by failing. At one point the stress reached such level that Gil and I lashed out at each other and I really thought that maybe this whole thing was going to hurt my relationship with my husband. I went to work, I vented, I cried, I ranted, I wrote a post that I am not put up because I really didn't mean what I was saying. And then when Gil came to get me after work he was sitting in the passenger seat. Talk about a vote of confidence.  I am pretty sure that he is going to frog march me down to access on Thursday morning come hell or high water so I might as well just suck it up and keep practicing. So that is what I did. I feel confidant with just about everything except the parking, specifically parking our land yacht of a car. But tonight we went out again, when we were feeling well fed and in pretty good moods and we tried it over and over and over and over until I felt like I knew what I was doing and my successes were not just flukes. We are going to do the same thing tomorrow night and the same thing on Wednesday night and then on Thursday I am just going to get up and do it. That's it. If I fail it won't be for lack of trying.
Okay I am going to go watch True Blood and have a bath. I feel I have earned a bit of relaxation, I don't even care that I didn't get the dishes done. Bizam!

Day 26

I am getting this done very late tonight, much too late for a Sunday evening especially since we have to be up extra early tomorrow for Gil's first physio appointment. But it was a long day and I didn't get a chance to really sit down and write so here I am at 11:15pm tired and struggling to find something to say.
It was a chaotic weekend here with lots of extra bodies around, many of them very small and very loud. Lauren is completely enamored with Uncle Gil and wants to have his attention all the time. To the extent that she attempted to join in him on a trip to the washroom. Wisely he had to break her little heart and tell her no.
Today alone there were 7 people here who don't live here full time. No wonder I can't get anything clean!;)
I had my second to last drivers ed in car lesson this afternoon and I didn't kill anyone so I am going to call that a victory. My brother came out with me tonight so I could practice parking my big ass car in the Access Nova Scotia parking lot. Gil and I are going to go out every evening from now until Thursday to run through the routes and practice the parking. I don't feel 100% confidant yet but I think I might actually make it to the road test this time. Gil had promised he won't let me chicken out. I have come too far to back out.
We went to see Auntie Leona today and she told me how proud she was of me and that just made me want to keep going. I just need to NOT let my nerves get the best of me and I have to be okay with failing if it happens. It could happen. If it does it is not the end of the world. Get drunk, feel sorry for an evening and then get back up on the horse and keep trying. At the same time I can't go into the test thinking that I will fail otherwise it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.  The best thing I can do if to just keep practicing, be mindful, be attentive and do my best.
Okay great pep talk!! Now it is bed time. Night ya'll!

Day 25 - In which I learn a lesson from Billy Crystal

Last night I was feeling pretty miserable. I was tired and cranky and I was done with this long ass week. We got home from being out much too late to find that a certain almost 4 year old had been playing in our room and moved stuff around, which normally wouldn't bug me, but being tired and mopey I just broke. I was laying in bed and taking advice from one of my favorite all time movies, When Harry Met Sally,  I just laid there and started to moan.

Sally: Will you be able to sleep?
Harry: If not I'll be OK.
Sally: What will you do?
Harry: I'll stay up moan. May be I should practice now.
(moans....)
Sally: Goodnight Harry.
Harry: Goodnight.

(Both hang up the phone)

(Sally's light is out)

(Harry keeps moaning... and eventually lights out)

I was doing a pretty decent job of moaning and feeling sorry for myself and I think that 

Harry would have been pretty proud of me but the problem was my dear husband who is

woefully ignorant about all things Harry and Sally. 

It seems that my carrying on led him to believe I was either deep in distress or having some

kind of stroke.  I decided that for his sake I would stop my impression but I have to admit up 

'til then I was finding the moaning very therapeutic. 

Honestly I think that sometimes we are so frightened to express our negative emotions we forget

that they do actually server a purpose. Not that I think we should DWELL 

but I do think we should express is some form, writing, painting, punching pillows, primal 

screaming or laying in bed and doing our best impression of Billy Crystal. 

What ever gets the dark out so that it doesn't become stagnant and fowl. 

Frustration and disappointment, fatigue and stress these are parts of life. You take the bad with 

the good but learning how to deal with it, that makes all the difference in the world.

I don't know where this sage wisdom is spring from but I am going to give Billy the credit. 

Thanks Billy. 

"Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash."

Day 24th

This was a long hard week and I was really looking forward to the weekend until I realized that I have 9 hours of drivers ed this weekend and a shit tonne of house work. Damn. When do I rest?? I can't WAIT until I have my two weeks vacation.  Our house is such a little nexus of chaos at the moment with extra animals, extra people and extra stuff, it is hard. I mean I don't mind it is just a lot to adjust to when you are used to it just being Clan Richard. Next weekend will be even crazier when my in-laws arrive for two days. Oh lordy!
Is it sad that I am looking forward to the quietude at work next week. LOL
I am so tired tonight I can't really write a big bunch. I want to. I have stuff to say but I am really spent. I am going to do a better post tomorrow. I swear. I will be good. Please please pretty please still love me.

Day 23 In my which my opinion of humanity is lowered.

My road test is one week from today and I have been starting to feel pretty nervous about it. I had planned to talk to night about my worries about the test and also the impact that I think having my license will have on my marriage but my plan changed when I was sitting at a red on my way home from work this afternoon and I became the victim of a hit and run.
I am so upset that this happened to me. I am mad as hell about the damage done to my car and I will make damn sure the guy pays for it but what REALLY upsets me is that this man hit us and did not stop to find out if we were okay. How does a human behave that way towards his fellow humans? When you make a mistake, when you have an accident you own it, you don't run away like a moron. I learned that lesson way back in Brownies. Shit, if an 8 year old can get it what is wrong with this guy?  I mean really what if one of us had been hurt. What if the damage to my car had been worse than cosmetic? And for crying out loud it is the LAW! You stop at the scene of an accident, especially when you caused it!! And jackass, I got your license plate #. What did you think would happen? If you had stopped we could have just exchanged info at it would have been taken care of by insurance but now you committed a criminal offense!!  Do you get that? was it worth it to get 30 seconds ahead in traffic?
Anyway I know that what really matters is that Gil and I are both fine. I am so very grateful for that. But I have to tell you that guys like that are part of the reason I don't already have my license and although I am going to keep going my plan it certainly gives me pause.  One bad apple ... leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Day 22 - The Silence Project - Round 2

What a difference a few hours makes!

Today I did step two of my silence project; 5 hours! I have to tell you it was a totally different ball game. I don't know if it was because of the sheer length of time, the fact that it is the middle of the week or that there are so many more people about at the moment but this was a totally different beast.
To start with I wanted to start right at the end of my work day so I didn't have to stay up too late writing my recap which means really I started even before I left the office. I explained to my boss what I was doing and she was totally cool but I was really self conscious while I waited the 10 mins. for my drive to arrive.
My next challenge was that I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up some stuff for dinner. Likely the ladies who I encountered thought I was either really shy or I didn't speak English but they did look at me a little closer when I only answered their questions with a nod or shake of my head.
At home I was greeted by my 14 year old nephew who was bound and determined to push me until I spoke to him. I let him read what I wrote for round 1 and eventually he stopped but it was very frustrating. Also we have a house guest staying with us for a few weeks and I had given her a heads up but there were still a few moments where my gestures were not getting the job done.I did notice that people started talking less after I really wasn't going to answer. Our house guest is a very chatty, sweet girl and I did notice that as the evening progresses she was using more gestures and less words.
I also noticed that Gil, without my prompting, will not just randomly volunteer to information to me. We usually discuss our work day in the drive home and tonight he was content to sit in silence with me for the most part.
I did not spend anytime feeling like I was acting like a person in silence and I didn't spend a whole lot of time focusing on what I was going to write beyond making mental notes that I wanted to remember X or Y to share with you. Honestly I was too busy just getting stuff done to really enjoy the side effects of the silence, however I did enjoy a nice glass of wine out on the deck in the sun and I got a lot of stuff done around the house because I wasn't wasting my time on Facebook.
I find it interesting that I have been done for half an hour and I have uttered a grand total of 4 words "Man that was tough!". I think it is difficult to just launch back into conversing when you have stopped for a while. I cannot imagine what it will be like after a whole weekend.
Finally I should tell you that I did break the silence once, not a word but a loud exclamation of pain as I fell getting out of the bathtub. It was entirely  a reflex to scream out and I don't think it really counts.
Over all I am proud of my effort but I hope that next time I can be more mindful of the quiet.

Day 21 - Getting my Barbara Walters skills on

I was giving some serious thought about Chris' challenge to do some writing about a friend. I wanted to do something fun and upbeat and I have had the thought for a while now to do an interview piece so I thought I would combine the two and interview my very best friend... My husband. Hilarity ensued!

Meg: Do you remember the first time you met me/what is your earliest memory of me?

Gil: At Karen and Corey's apartment, I remember you sitting on the floor and thinking "her hair looks funny!" (it was pink)

Meg: It was pink, good memory!

Can you believe all this time later we are MARRIED?

Gil: THAT IS CRAZY

Meg: If there was ONE chore around our house that you NEVER had to do again, what would you pick?

Gil: Cleaning up doggy messes :)

Meg:  Fat chance baby!

Meg: Okay, explain in layman's terms what it is that you do for a living.

Gil: I am a computer programmer specializing in communications systems.  I also do a lot of the system administration and installation support as well.

Meg:  Sounds like pretty smart stuff there!! Do you have a title or anything? *nudge nudge*

Gil: I do, and now I want to know what these questions are for :)

Meg: I told you they are for my Blog *sigh*

He never did volunteer his title but since I'm his wife I already know he is the director of software development. I like it, it's got a ring to it! 

Meg: Okay let’s go a little “Inside the Actors Studio” of a while. What is your favorite word? Gil: I don't have a favorite word 

Meg:  Really? I like persnickety! That is a great word. What is your least favorite word?  

Gil: I do not hold any word in favour over another 

Meg: Somewhere out there James Lipton is weeping. The next question is supposed to be "what turns you on?", but this is a PG blog so I am going with what excites you?

Gil: My Lovely Wife Smiling 

Meg: Oh man, You are killing me here. I love you. You are the best husband ever. Okay back to business? What turns you off? 

Gil: My Lovely Wife Crying

Meg: Yeah, I can be such a buzz kill. What sound do you love? 

Gil: Bacon frying!

Meg:What sound do you hate?

Gil: My leg breaking LOL

Meg: Yeah that is pretty gross. What is your favorite curse word? 

Gil: Fucktard 

Meg: Well there goes my PG status. Okay next up.  I already know the answer to this one but the folks out there don't so what profession other than yours would you like to attempt? 

Gil: Plumbing
Meg: What profession would you not like to do? 

Gil: Toilet cleaner.

Meg: Well it is a good thing then that I clean out toilet!

Gil: yeah!
Meg: If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

Gil: We’re all filled up go back.

Meg: LOL so funny 

Meg:Do you think I am silly for doing this?

Gil: Yes

Meg: Do you read my blog? 

Gil:No.

Meg:Will you now that I wrote about you? 

Gil: Probably not .

Meg: LOL

Gil: If you could meet one famous person who would it be? 

Gil: Les Claypool.

Meg:Don’t you have his autograph? 

Gil:Yes

Meg:Then didn’t you meet him already? 

Gil: No my friend Jeanine got it for me.

Meg: Do you wish I would stop asking you questions so you could go back to playing your video game? Gil: No I can do both.

Meg: You’re so cool.

Gil: You are cool.

Meg: No you are

Gil: Yeah!

Meg: So do you have any last words of wisdom for our viewers at home.

Gil: Nope! *yawn* 5555555555555555555555555556 (that last bit was a kit0ten helping my type)

Day 20 - Mister Golden Sun!

I am so thrilled to be sitting here in a puddle of sunshine, tummy full of toast and peanut butter, sipping my tea with is still hot. Molly Johnson and Big Sugar are in the background extolling the virtues of Midnight and I am feeling the kind of calm that only the sunshine can bring.
It is almost hard to believe it is Monday morning and I have to be to work in an hour. Other than the fact that Lulu has claimed another victim (my black Chuck's that  I bought in Vegas *sigh*) than I would say it is the perfect morning. I wish every day started like this. Usually I am running around like a ballistic chicken trying to find underwear or keys or glasses or cleaning up dog vomit. No wonder my co-worker told me the other day that people find me unbearably cranky at work in the morning. I am NOT a morning person. I need to do things in my own good time. I don't like to talk first thing in the morning which is why I always try and get up half an hour before Gil. I can't rush my brain into anything, I sure there is some kind of car analogy about a motor warming up but I am not a car person so what do I know?
And this sunshine is so uplifting. It is hard to feel sluggish and cranky when the sun is out there calling me.  I damn near went out to try and mow this morning least the rain return by this evening but I realized that my neighbours might not see things the way I see them and no matter what Robert Frost said about good fences I know it is really good SENSES that makes good neighbours. I am just going to have to put my faith in the forecast that says we are due to have this lovely ball of fire in the sky for at least two days. It is just so hard to believe when we have had our spirits drowned all spring.
If it is still nice this evening I am going to do the following....

1. mow the lawn
2. make dinner on the BBQ
3. enjoy a glass of wine on the deck
4. take me shoe chewing maniac for a long LONG walk.

Have a great day everyone. I hope you have a lovely Monday and that some sunshine touches your life today, even if only metaphorically. 

Day 19 - Father knows best

My Father's Day story doesn't have an UNhappy ending but I am not going to give you the cotton candy version either. I have a great man in my life who I do call dad. I love him. I know that he loves me. I know that I could go to him with anything and he would listen to me in his own way. We certainly have a special relationship but I do not delude myself into thinking that it is the same kind of relationship that he has with his other kids; the ones he sired or the ones he married into. I also know that this is not a fault of his. This is a relationship that could be a lot stronger, a lot closer and the hold out here is me. This is not my first go round with a father figure, and while it has technically been the longest, the first two left such deep gouges in my soul that I will never be able to fully commit myself to a male parent.  The scars are so deep that I don't even feel a genuine longing for that type of relationship. I watch other people, specifically my female friends, to see what they are like with their dad at it is utterly foreign to me. And it is not just the Daddies Girls, although it seems like that is more often the case, but most daughters seems to have a deep connection to their father or the man that raised them. All you have to do is look at facebook today to see the number of people who updated to their status to say that their father was "the best in the whole world" and ... well you get the sentiment. And I am not shitting of that AT ALL. I think it is WONDERFUL. It makes me happy that there are so many great dads out there. I just don't get it. I don't crave it. I don't miss it. It is like the scar gave that part of my brain/heart/soul amnesia.
And this is something that I believe pretty much started out of the womb. Maybe everything that I heard while I was in there started to prepare me to one day feel like a father was lovely like an uncle or a grandfather but not a necessity, not like a mother.  I remember being 5 or 6 and crawling up into my mothers lap, wrapping my arms around her neck, staring lovingly into her face and saying "Mommy, I love you so much more than I love Daddy." I wasn't trying to be mean. I wasn't trying to curry favour; it was a simple, honest childlike statement of fact. I didn't see any use for my father. He did nothing beyond make our lives difficult that I could tell. I didn't hate him. I hated how he treated the people I loved but he was always good to me when he was present and sober. I think he certainly scared me, specifically when he was drinking but I didn't hate him. I still don't. But I think that is because by then the amnesia had already started to take hold. Watching for so long the insanity of my parents relationship. Watching my alcoholic father spiral further and further out of control. Each emotional cut added to the scar tissues so by the time I was 6 I was already going numb.
Things got worse after my mother died. Someday maybe we'll talk about it but not now.
When I was 13 I found out he wasn't my father at all. I found out that the scaring had started even earlier by a biological who was only a whisper of a memory.  But then I found a gap in my scar tissue and I let the idea of this biological father in and he grew in my brain, along with my hunger for a father, a REAL father, a good father. I became convinced THAT was why I had never truly loved my dad, I knew at a genetic level he wasn't my own. I was a teenager what did I know. My life became a song from Annie ...

Maybe far away
Or maybe real nearby
He may be pouring her coffee
She may be straightning this tie!
Maybe in a house
All hidden by a hill
She's sitting playing piano,
He's sitting paying a bill!

Betcha they're young
Betcha they're smart
Bet they collect things
Like ashtrays, and art!
Betcha they're good --
Why shouldn't they be?
Their one mistake
Was giving up me!

So maybe now it's time,
And maybe when I wake

They'll be there calling me "Baby"
Maybe.

Betcha he reads
Betcha she sews
Maybe she's made me
A closet of clothes!
Maybe they're strict
As straight as a line...
Don't really care
As long as they're mine!

So maybe now this prayer's
The last one of it's kind...
Won't you please come get your "Baby"


Maybe

He became this epic, perfect, handsome, doctor/scientist/humanitarian Father who was out there somewhere looking for me. Like I said I was kid, what did I know. It didn't matter that my brothers tried to gently warn me, or that my Auntie tried did her best to give me a truthful picture without hurting me. They didn't know him like I did. They didn't know how he'd changed.  He just needed to find me and we would be a family. 

a deep, dirty cut, the kind that is so deep that your pain receptors can't cope so they turn off. I don't feel sad about it, I am not angry although if I push on it a little harder than normal, like have done in writing this I feel a negative emotion that my brain steps in and deflects before I ever get a chance to qualify it.

I guess in the reading of this it may come off as sad, but sincerely that is not how I feel. I love Dave, that's my foster father. I think he is truly one of the great men of this world. I look up to him, I am very loyal to him, it was important to me that he like the man that I married. A few years ago when he had a heart attack I  felt my whole world come to a crashing halt. I can't even contemplate a world without him; but my heart will not let me take that one last step, the one that makes you feel fully 100% accepted by him because as long as I have one toe out the front door I can trick myself into believing that I am safe.

Day 17. Flying Fur

I find myself tonight asking myself some very very difficult questions. I know that I am tired and frustrated and that it hasn't been the easiest time of my lift (though my no stretch the hardest either) so I am trying very hard to keep that in perspective.
There are so many souls under this roof. Even without house guest both human and four legged. Even without the slumbering 14 year old in the living room. When it is just our core family there are two people, two cats and two dogs. It can feel very crowded and very fury some days. I feel like there is always someone demanding something of me. I LOVE my four legged babies but days like today I feel like just loving them isn't enough. I honestly wonder if I am the best human to be taking care of them. I get so frustrated and I have to ask myself is it fair for them? Is it fair for me?  I don't have an answer. I don't know what the right course of action is. I know that things need to change. I know that I either need to be a better pet parent or I have to look at finding some who can and will do better than me. If these were children I wouldn't even think about this. I would just keep struggling because parents don't ask themselves am I the best option? I would never just abandon my animals please don't get me wrong but days today I really feel like it is possible I bit off more than I can chew.  Lulu needs to be more engaged, she needs to be run ragged. The reason why she gets into so much trouble is that she is board. Oliver is in a constant state of crisis. His anxiety is crippling for him. If am in another room and he needs me he just cries and cries and cries. Tikka is.... god I don't even know where to start with that poor cat but she is miserable and she hates sharing the house with the other animals which makes her a total bully. Only Mango seems totally without complication and even she is a pain in the ass with her never ending attempts to get outside.
I don't know what I should do. I think I just need to sleep on it and come back to thinking about it when my head is clear, when I am not upset about the loss of my brand new, $125.00 black leather Mary Jane's. When I am not so tired and frustrated with life in general.
I love all of my fur babies. Please don't misunderstand me.

Day 16 - Notes from my sick bed

I am home from work AGAIN. I hate missing work. I mean it is okay on weekends and vacations and stuff but missing work to lay in my bed and feel miserable... well it is boring and useless. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my skin hurts. I know that going to work would make me feel worse, probably make my coworkers sick and generally suck big time.

It keep having these insane flashes of heat/fever that make me feel like maybe I am losing my mind. God I hope that this isn't what menopause feels like!
As if to ad insult to injury the sun has decided to make a spectacular appearance. It looks very lovely from this spot in my bed. Leaves of green, skies of blue and all that other Louis Armstrong bullshit. Yeah I am a little bitter. Sue me. You know in a few days time when I am feel better and have the energy to mow the lawn or pull a weed it will be back to the same rainy, overcast crap we have had all spring.  Still I guess I should be a bit more gracious and be grateful that I have a window to see the trees and sky through. Gil opened up the windows to  let in some fresh air, cause it smelled like sick room in here and we put clean sheets on the bed. Everyone knows that clean sheets help you get better faster. Sleeping in the same icky sheets I have been sweating out this fever in just makes me gag. Which is why I also grabbed a shower. I know it takes a lot of your resources but I absolutely 100% fully believe that having hot, scrubby showers (plural) expedites the healing process when you have a cold. As does brushing your teeth but I always but a new toothbrush after a battle with germs. I might be a bit of a hypochondriac but I figure the $1.50 it costs me to replace the toothbrush is worth it to not be sticking that crud back in my mouth

Believe it or not there are some silver lining I have been able to find about this whole situation.

1. Netflix. If I have to stay in bed than at least I have hours of cheesy entertainment. The cold meds make everything so much more interesting. 
2. My hubby. He worked from home today so that he could take care of me. LOL He wasn't able to do much owning to the broken leg and crutches. But I wasn't lonely and that counts for a LOT.
3. Kitty snuggles in the big bed.There is lots of time for snuggling when you are in bed all day and my kitties LOVE snuggles.

I have had this open all day typing on and off and I haven't really said anything of consequence so much for my vow for posts of substance. I promise I will try harder tomorrow if I am not too drug addled.

1. 
   

day 15 - death on a cracker

I was going to take  picture to show you what death on  cracker looks like but than I saw that apparently whatever cold/flu this is also made me fatter and uglier than normal so I thought I would spare you.

I don't have the energy to write a big post. I have some sort of damn virus that is really kicking my ass.

Day 14 in which I reach 400 posts! (and it only took 5.75 years!)

Look at me go! 400 posts! You probably think I have something REALLY special planned for my 400th post. You probably think it is something I put a lot of thought into because it is a pretty big milestone. Well sadly you are wrong. I didn't even know that I was close to 400 until I logged in tonight but fortunately I am really good at wining it and so instead of a thoughtful well planned post you are getting this!

400 -

• the year 400ad/cd was a leap year and it started on a Sunday
• 400 is the square of 20
• The 400 market is located just south of Barrie, Ontario off Highway 400
• Highway 400 is located in Southern Ontario and link TO to the more agrarian southland. I don't know if I have ever driven there. 

2005 

• In 2005 I was 30 
• In 2005 I was not married
• In 2005 George W Bush was sworn in for he second term... that worked out well. 
• in 2005 the population of the world was 6,453,628,000
• In 2005 Hunter S Thompson, John Paul II & Rosa Parks died. All of those things made me cry.
• Transformers the Movie, released in 1986, was set in 2005. I saw no sightings of Robots in Disguise.
• The top grossing film of 2005 was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. 
• On August 23rd 2005 Hurricane Katrina made landfall in Louisiana. Almost 6 years later the still haven't finish cleaning up that mess. (see line 3)

I have had a lot of fun with this blog over the years. I wish that I had used it more to say things that I felt strongly about. I wish I hadn't gone months at a time without writing but maybe this project is the kick start I need to really get my voice out there. Here is to 400 more!! Cheers!

Day 13 - and sometimes there'll be sorrow

Today is Uncle Walters birthday.

Uncle Walter was not my uncle. He was the first husband of my mother. He was the father of my brothers. Most people don’t get to really know the ex-spouse of their parents let alone develop a relationship with them but Uncle Walter was a special man and we are a very special family.

I grew up knowing that my brothers had a different father than I did although I didn’t really understand it. I would go through these bouts of deep anxiety that my brothers wouldn’t love me as much as they loved each other because I was only their HALF sister. We never used that word in our house growing up so I am not sure how the notion got in my head but every once in while it would gnaw on me.  I didn’t know what I know now, what I learned from Uncle Walter and his family, that genetics doesn’t make a family, love does, along with red wine and spaghetti.

I haven’t been ready to talk with anyone about what happened in February, not even Gil. I am going to try today.

In December my brother Mike called me; his father had had a stroke and was in the ER. He didn’t need to ask I would go right away to be his eyes and his ears. It was a long night and it turns out that Uncle Walter had not one but two strokes. The nurses explained every thing to me even though they had already explained it to Auntie Leona and Kim. I got to go in and see him. He seemed totally fine, his speech was mildly slurred but he looked healthy and bright and he was cracking jokes. I was able to tell both my brothers that their dad was fine. Mike made it home for Christmas holidays a few days later. Uncle Walter wasn’t able to get out for Christmas and it was weird to have the family Christmas party without him but he was on the mend.

 We didn’t know there was a sickness in there and it was biding it’s time. If we had known we would have done things differently. I would have made a point to go visit more. Stephen would have planned a trip home sooner. We would have talked more. I would have asked the questions I have been working up the courage to ask for 25 years.  Questions about my mom only he could answer. I don’t know why I was so afraid to ask, I guess I thought it would be awkward for him or for me. But I thought I had more time; we all did; we always do.

The end of January rolled around and I was surprised but not alarmed when Mike told me that Uncle Walter was going in to have surgery to replace the valve they had only put in two years before.  There was a bug in his blood that had caused a blockage or a cyst in the valve but it was a surgery with a very high success rate so there was no real need to worry. And I wasn't worried. I planned on going in later in the week to say hi and check in on folks. 

Then a couple days later Mike let me know that their had been some complications. There had been some excessive bleeding, they needed to go back in and try and stop it. At noon on Saturday I touched base and was told things were starting to look good. At dinner time I was told that Michael was on a flight home. The family was gathering to say good bye. 

A stunned sort of controlled shock came over me as I called my brother in England to let him know what was going on. I told him to book his flight and promised that in until he was there I would be his proxy. 

We offered to meet Mike at the airport but he said to meet him at the hospital. I wasn't ready to go up when we got there so we waited for him but he didn't keep us waiting long. We went up together and joined Auntie Leona, Kim & Kenny and Gerry & Joy. The nurses came and told us to come in. I wasn't going to go it seemed to private but Leona told me she wanted us ALL there and I had made a promise to Stephen. 

I don't know if I can do this... I don't know if I am ready. I am trying to write this and I can't. 

How can I describe for you watching a wife kiss her husband good-bye? How can I make you understand the feeling of helplessness of watching my big strong brother buckle and cry under the weight of his grief? How will you understand that the only words I could find were "I don't understand." as the nurse told us it was over?

I watched a human being die. I was told at lunch time things were looking up and then I was watching him die. It's been four months and I still don't understand. And my heart hurts so much. I feel it for my brothers and sister. I feel it for Auntie Leona and I feel it for myself. I know that death is supposed to be a natural part of life but its so harsh. I don't understand why we aren't celebrating Walters 78th birthday today. 

I'm sorry, I am spent. I don't have anything else so say.