I have been terrible lately I have so many things to say that when I sit down to type I get overwhelmed and block all up. Life has been crazy. I mean that is life right. Life is a series of one crazy event after another. At least if you are like me. And most of you are. So what is going on? Well first of all as you know in November Gil and I decided to indefinitely put out adoption plans on hold. Which is fine however it has had some emotional fallout. These large decisions for good or for ill leave massive marks on our lives. Come Christmas time we were both lost in our own little worlds and neither of us felt any holiday spirit. I don't know if I mentioned it but I didn't even cook Christmas dinner. We went out to the Westin for the buffet. We didn't really exchange Christmas gifts. We just didn't feel into it. Gil paid for half of my new camera and I ended up giving him cold hard cash. The gift that keeps on giving. Then we were into the New Year and my birthday which I was not loving.
I was getting more and more and more disenchanted with work at the hospital. I knew I was unhappy and working through a grief process but I couldn't work out what was what. I do know that part of this is the mid winter depression kicking in. It always does and every year I think it is worse then last and I am sure it is usually exactly the same. Actually to be fair I have actually felt better this winter then I have in the past few years. I think the dog helps. But my back has been hurting and I have been way tired ALL the time. And I was really really hating work. A LOT. I had been feeling for a some time the I had made a mistake in taking this position. I was not a good fit. I didn't like the job and the job didn't like me. I was hella over worked, I felt like I should have rolled a cot in so I could get more accomplished and still they wanted more from me. I was coming in earlier, leaving later. Less time with my husband and fur baby.Plus they were paying me CRAP. I mean really, 40 cents above minimum wage!? I am worth more then that. I was not happy. I decided I wanted to be happy. I didn't know how to get there.
A few things happened in short succession...
My old boss from Maxwell made me a very generous offer to return to a more challenging job as Team Lead (new lingo!) and for a lot better pay. Gil and I talked at length and decided I would be a fool to not take it.
Secondly my 18 year old niece came down with an awful case of pregnancy. I wanted to be cool and supportive about it but mostly I felt like there was NO god and I was heart broken. It opened up all kinds of fresh wounds and set me back into my head for a while. Here is not the place to discuss her private issues but I will say that she is going through her own loss experience at the moment due to complications of her RH negative blood type. I know she is feeling heartbroken and I probably feel closer to her now then ever before, the bond of pregnancy loss is a strong one. When she is ready I will let her know that.
I wanted to write about ALL of these things over the past few weeks but I found them all so overwhelming. Thank you for listening to me now. I have lots more to say but I need to find my voice again.
Be kind to each other...
