Oh I love being right. This Saturday was awesome. A trip to the salon for a much desired wax. Breakfast with my hubby. Hours of hanging out with Aimee playing Sing Star. Amazing dinner with Terry and Sarah. Now I am snuggled down in my comfy bed under the covers ('cause it is DAMN cold in here, we need to do something about the insulation up here!) and I am listening to tunes on my iHome which was a birthday gift from my amazing husband. I thought I was ready for bed but then my brain started ticking away so I thought I might as well write.
Tonight I am doing a practice run with PJ's. I know that must sound so strange but I need to train myself to get used to it before we get a kid. I am going to try and convince Gil to do the same thing. I mean there may come a day when we will be comfortable sleeping in the buff, but with an older child coming into our home I think the safest, most responsible thing to do is be appropriately clothed as often as possible. For the first while it is going to be a lot like living with a stranger and we don't want to make him or her uncomfortable. Also the social worker might have something to say about it. In the same vein I also need to start peeing with the bathroom door closed. These are learned behaviors and it is never too soon to get started on them. I am pretty good with most things if I get in to the habit. I know I might be crazy for putting so much thought and energy into this at this stage in the game but I HAVE to think positive and be constructive with our time or I will go crazy.
I had lots of chat this past week with our social worker, looking for things that we (I) can be doing in this time to make things easier, to make us better candidates. So I have been in touch with the guidance councilor at our local elementary school to see what programs they have for children with challenges. That went really well and I got an email back from him two days later with a really good description of the extensive programs and resources they have available. SCORE.
I also made an appointment to go to the lawyer next week to have our will drawn up. This one cheeses me off a bit. I mean I know SO MANY people who don't have a will. Plus once we have a child we are just going to have an amendment to add them. But I have wanted a will anyway so this is a good enough reason to get it done.
We also have a fire escape plan now. In fact we have a fire escape plan the was done up with the aid of a real life fireman! He also tested all of our smoke alarms (all 5! of them) and put dates on them to show when they were tested! He was awesome, it is so good to have well connected friends. But seriously.... can you imagine if a parent was not allowed to leave the hospital with their new baby until they could prove they had a fire escape plan and adequate extinguishers?!! No one would have kids. But I don't mind jumping through the hoops. We made our choice and we stick by it and for now we place our faith in the system. In my life the system has actually really worked in my favour and I have to trust it again. With any luck they will see how hard we are working at this and give is all the gold stars and a child of our own to love. If not we will have the safest house on the block.
Tomorrow I am going to finish the painting in the dinning room. I feel really good about that because it has been my project and I want to have something to actually cross off my list. That is the thing about owning a house, the list NEVER gets any shorter. But it still feels really good. I still get the tummy wiggles every time we pull in the driveway. I love that.
Okay I am finally starting to feel a little sleepy so it is time for me to say good night. Play safe!

Mini-rant.

So I was doing some reading today... at the moment Blogs are like tv for me. Totally addictive. I was starting off actually doing some research for topic # 2 Polygamy (sounds like a fun topic right?!) Anyway I got distracted, which is not at all surprising. I was reading the blogs of a few other expectant adoptive moms and they all start out pretty much the same. Months or YEARS of dealing with infertility. Endless procedures, tests, miscarriages, doctors, disappointments. I wonder is there something wrong with me that I didn't try THAT hard? I am not going to be a dedicated a parent because I gave up after half a dozen rounds of Clomid? Is that how others see me? Is that how a social worker might see me? As uncommitted to parenthood? Let me be perfectly clear. I would love to get pregnant. I would love grow a life inside of me even though it seems a lot of women spend the best part of 9 months unwell. I would love to look at a child to see bits of Gil or me or our family members. I would love to do it all. But I want to be a parent MUCH more then that. I don't want to be a parent after I am exhausted by the disappointment. I don't want to adopt as last resort. Gil and I both feel like this is a natural progression for us. And it leaves our sanity pretty much intact. It is something we are able to go through together. That is important for me. I felt so alone in the fertility treatments. It is a very isolating world. Gil and I are going to be parents together, we are partners in the true sense. This is what works for us.

Questions and Answers

So I was reading the blog of another prospective adoptive mom in the states and she had this list of questions. She referred to them as the 19 infamous questions so I have decided that I should try and answer them here.

1. Describe your personality? Quirky, introspective, kind, impatient inquisitive
   
2. Describe your spouse’s personality? Funny, warm, extremely smart, awkward, solitary, passionate
   
3. What are your strengths? I think I am very good with people, I try very hard to be kind and compassionate and I am a nurturer.
   
4. What are your limitations? I have difficulty with change, I really need a stable routine or I get very out of sorts. Also I can be a very selfish person.
   
5. What do you feel are the strong points in your marriage? Our relationship is built on a very, very strong friendship. That often carries the day.
   
6. What do you feel are the areas for further growth in your marriage? We could always communicate better, I think we take for granted sometimes that the other person will know what is going on, what the plan is, or what we really mean.
   
7. How do you resolve conflict in your marriage? We talk about our problems. Some times it takes a while but not usually. Most often one or both of us need something to eat or some sleep, once that is done the talking comes easier. Also we both compromise when we need to.
   
8. What are your interests as an individual? Reading, exploring crafts although I am not really crafty, lately cooking. Spending time with my friends.
   
9. What are your interests as a couple? Gaming, traveling, food, books, movies, spending time with our friends.
   
10. What are your attributes that you feel best contribute toward your ability to parent? On one hand my nurturing nature and compassion. On the other hand my ability to be fun and silly.
    
11. Who/What has been the strongest influence in your life to date? My mother, both my brothers, Susan K, my time in care.
    
12. What do you regard as your greatest personal achievement to date? I feel like it was a big achievement to make it through care with a sense of pride, a sense of humour and with a heart full of compassion.
    
13. What three things would you most like to be said about you if you died today? She was a good wife, she was a good friend, she will not be forgotten.
    
14. What are your needs as a person? Which ones are satisfied within your family, your work, in recreational activities, in other ways? My goodness, this is a loaded question. Okay well of course I have my very basic needs, beyond those I need to feel like a productive member of my community and a contributor to my family. I don't love my job but it pays me every two weeks like clock work which allows me to pay some bills which really makes me feel good as a person. I need to be in contact with my friends. At the moment that is easy to do with weekly get-togethers for geeking or crafting or drinking coffee. I imagine that gets harder when you have children. I need to feel valued a person. Gil is the main (though not exclusive) source of satisfaction here. Gil makes me feel like a good person.
    
15. In what ways would you find satisfaction and fulfillment if you never had children? Of course I have thought about this. What if it never happens for us? In many ways I am sure life would be easier. We would travel and read and sleep in on Saturdays. We would have lunches with friends and I would quit my job and go back to school in a heart beat. I would work on the book I have always wanted to write. We would invest our lives and money on our house and friends and family and each other. Our life would have meaning (as it does now), but I don't think I would ever be 100% satisfied.
    
16. What are your most important values? Love, family,trust, honesty, independence, humour, loyalty and friendship
    
17. What are your expectations for your child? I expect that it won't always be easy, that we will have struggles but that at the end of the day love will win.
    
18. What goals do you wish your child to achieve? It is hard to discuss goals for a hypothetical child. Lots of course will depend on the the individual. I want my child to always try. She or he doesn't have to always succeed, lord knows I don't. But I hope they try.
19. What are your thoughts on the following:

• Parenting - The hardest job a person will ever do. There is no rule book and more people should ask for help when they feel like they don't know what they are doing. Also the most rewarding experience a person can have.
  
• Discipline - not punishment. Like being good at a sport or instrument or video game takes discipline, practice, coaching.
  
• Love - is the most important thing in the world and people need to stop hoarding it and start spreading it around. It is a verb not a noun. It takes dedication and discipline
  
• Positive Self-Image - This is so important. There is a lot of talk about the need for young ladies to have a positive self image and they do but so do young men. Feeling confidant to make good decisions, to partake in the world, to love ones self. This is what I want for my children, myself, the world.
  
• Negative Self-Image - Is a learned behavior. Messages picked up around people whether they are overt or not dictate how we feel about ourselves. You can't talk about how fat you are and how you need to go on a diet and then tell your kid to love their body just as it is. You can't ignore a person and expect them to feel worthy. With adopted children you can't speak ill of their biological parents and expect them not to be impacted by that.
  
• Adoption - Clearly I am pro-adoption and I think that is a wonderful way to form a family but it is not without it's complexities and issues. It is NOT the same as having a biological child and saying so negates the adopted child's experience.
  
• Biological Parents - I admit I have some reservations here. But in talking and reading over the past few months I have really begun to feel differently on the subject. I was afraid at first that our child would be confused about the roles of the biological parent vs us. I was worried that the biological parents or family might meddle in out life. I won't lie, I was worried that my kid might not love me as much if I had to share him or her with another mother. But I have been doing so much reading of birth mom blogs, and blogs of family with open adoptions. Plus I have talked to a few women I know who are birth moms and it has been very enlightening. I still have worries but I think that in the long run contact with the birth family is what is best for my child and THAT is the most important thing.
  

Some thoughts on permanence

Permanence... it is a HOT word in the field a foster and adoption care. A buzz word grouped with so many others like reunification, concurrent planning or transition. But like so many words when you start batting it around over and over it starts to lose its meaning, it becomes this abstract concept, like when you say tree 100 times and it ceases to have any significant meaning.
The ultimate goal of adoption is permanence and has a special place in my heart; it a large part of why adoption is so appealing to me in the first place. I can tell you first hand the importance of permanence and stability in the life of a child. From the moment I was born there was no stability in my life. I try extra hard not to sound bitter when I talk about it but it is hard, especially for people who don't know me well. I have only lived one life so for me it is "normal", it is what I know, what I have grown comfortable with. Unfortunately that means I accept or worse anticipate that people who I love and who are supposed to love me will just up and leave; that I will be moved; that circumstances are almost always beyond my control; and the no matter how much a person loves you they can hurt you.
Gil and I have been together for six and a half years now and despite some moves and job changes things have been very stable for me. This has give me the time and strength to work on overcoming the challenges that years and years of instability have left in their wake. We have a home now and it our permanent home base, this is the ultimate win for me.
I have always envied my peers who have had a home and family to always go back to even if just for the holidays or to do laundry. A parent to call for a special recipe or to bounce an idea off of. A room or a house or a neighbourhood that says "I'm home".
One of my greatest goals as a parent is to provide that for my child and especially for a child who has already had so much upheaval in their life. I want Gil and I to mean home and safety to someone else as we do now for each other.

rant...

The great conundrum of being a prospective adoptive parent is that you want to get ready, you want to have some level of preparedness but it is almost impossible. I have a crib in storage as well as a play pen and a baby monitor but I don't know if I will ever need them. I have a bed and I am looking for a bunk bed but I don't know if it will just be a colossal waste of money. We might not be approved. I mean really, we might not. I can't understand why we might be denied, but I have to emotionally prepare for the possibility that it could happen. How do that? How do I get excited and make preparations and all the while remain emotionally detached? I don't know if I have that in me. So far I have been pretty cool about the whole thing.

Yay!

Well at long last we have some good news on the adoption front. Thank goodness. I have not been talking much about the adoption process because I have been trying not to dwell on it because it makes me a little crazy. We have been stuck for a number of weeks because they have been trying to locate MY file from children's aid. Why they need it to continue with our home study is a mystery to me but that is a rant for another time. At any rate it has been so slow. I have been really patient but persistent with my emails seeing where we are in the process. And today I got a late Christmas gift, early birthday present; an email from the social worker saying they have my file so we can proceed to the next step. With any luck a home study is our very near future. I am so excited I spent the day jumping out of my skin. It was a nice change of pace to be in a good mood all day.
Gil had some great news today too. But I have to wait a while before I share that. It is not my news to share and he is feeling squirly about it.

More thoughts

How do I spell happiness? H.O.M.E. I know, I know, it’s all I talk about these days but I am just so unimaginably content. I love doing everything in our house, our home. I love doing the dishes. I love doing the laundry. The other night I was up at 3am cleaning up after my violently ill husband and it was so oddly satisfying. Not that I was happy he was sick of course, but I didn’t mind at all the clean up process. I don’t know if it will last or not but for now I have a deep desire to take really good care of this home of ours. It’s not like I am exactly being a clean freak or anything, although truth be told I have been tidier, it is deeper then that. It’s like for the first time I really care about my surrounding. I always thought I did care, but this is different. I don’t feel like I explaining myself very well but that’s okay you get the general idea.

I am not completely anxiety free mind you. Gil’s recent bout of stomach flu/ food poisoning re-sparked my “Gil’s going to die and leave me all alone” anxiety. This of course has been much more acute since Michelle lost Kevin, more often then not I can keep it in check but seeing him so sick really broke me. I wonder if I am strong enough to deal with a serious illness. I would like to think I am but I have a great fear that I would freeze like a deer in headlights. I love my husband more then anything or anyone in the world and I can’t imagine anything worse then something bad happening to him. My problem is that I spend too much time doing just that. I know it is an irrational fear (as most fears are) and he is the picture of health. I know he will likely live a long healthy life. But that is probably what Michelle thought too.

There are also days where I find another thought creeping into my mind. Gil and I will be making big plans or doing something spontaneous and I feel so happy and so complete and I think…”Maybe we shouldn’t have kids. Maybe we would be happier just the two of us.” A totally crazy thought I know as we have tried so hard to have a baby and started the process to adopt. I am not sure where the thought comes from. I have wanted to be a parent so long but now I find myself questioning my motives. I have wanted to be a mother forever. I love kids. But I find my patience for certain child related things growing shorter. I love the life I have with my husband and wonder from time to time if it isn’t enough with just the two of us, maybe even easier. Or maybe I am just trying to get my mind used to the idea that there may never be a child in our family. Filling out adoption paper is certainly no guarantee that we will one day have a child of our own. I want to make sure we are doing all this for the right reasons. I am sure that Gil is, but I need to make sure that I am. This is one of the reasons we are also considering respite care.

Respite. Synonyms include breather, break, relief, reprieve

I can’t count the number of times I have heard “So&So adopted and then boom they got pregnant right away!” I am tired of those stories. They are even worse for me than the “I just stopped trying and boom I was pregnant!” stories. We are not looking to use adoption as a fertility treatment. When I made that first call to Community Services on January 14^th I was not thinking “hey if I do this then maybe I will finally get pregnant with my own baby.” I was thinking “It is more important to me that we are PARENTS then it is for me to give birth.” And I still feel the same way. When we started the adoption process we were still doing the fertility treatments, I considered this to be a kind of concurrent planning, it made sense at the time, but it didn’t last long. It didn’t take me long to pick the path that was best for me and best for our family and that path is adoption. This may not be the way I always envisioned having my family but it is not second best and I never EVER want our child to feel that way. In fact when I think about my own family and Gil’s I wonder if adoption isn’t divine providence for us. We more than most people know that families aren’t blood they are love.

Respite we are told may be a good way to get our foot in the door. It may be a good way of getting us to our end goal faster. I would be an idiot and a liar if I said that didn’t have merit, but I don’t want anyone to think that we are doing this solely as a short cut to get our own kid. We both were intrigued with the idea of respite as soon as we heard about it. We hadn’t known that such a thing was an option. I don’t think I could be a full time foster parent. I think I would get attached and then I would get hurt when the child had to leave us. I know myself too well. Maybe after we have adopted our kids and we have more emotional strength. I don’t know but in the mean time a weekend every month sounds like exactly what Gil and I should be doing. Getting our feet wet. We both love spending time with children but we could both use some practice with our parenting skills. I am hoping that this will give Gil and opportunity to be a little more hands on than he has been with the other children we have in our life and perhaps make him a little more comfortable in that regard. I on the other hand need to get used to sharing children. I have a problem with the way the system is set up and I need to get over that in order to help my future child. Also I need to learn to be more …firm; Sometimes it is okay to say no, sometimes it is okay to be the bad guy. Heck sometimes it is even for the best interest of the child to be NOT be their best friend. I have a hard time with that, I know I do. I had a hard time with Brianna for the same reasons. Sometimes I wasn’t able to say no when I should have because I wanted to be liked.

(I have been dealing with that same issue my whole life, and in a nut shell it describes the first 10 years of my dating life.)

I want my kids to like me, but not at the expense of them growing up to be little decent people so if from time to time they have to dislike me, I need to okay with that. It is part of the job.

I guess by what I have just said I do want kids. Of course I still want kids and I think that Gil does too. But it is dawning on us now how much our lives will change with a child in the picture. We, especially me, would like to think that everything will go back to normal after a period of adjustment but that is just not true. Once you have a child nothing is ever the same again. For example we are planning a trip to see Shannon and Damon and the girls for Christmas of 2010. That will not be an easy trip to take with a child. I will still DO it. But it would be easier if it were just Gil and I. When we are wandering around the house mostly naked, or hanging out in the living room with the lights off watching the lightening, when the house is so quiet on Saturday morning while I putter around and Gilly is still sleeping. When we are dreaming about the two of us driving across the country together, these are the moments when I have doubts. I guess that is normal.

Family

Waiting to adopt is a bit like being pregnant but without a due date and with no strange cravings. Also I can’t blame my weight gain on “eating for two”. There is all the excitement, all the anticipation and all the fear. Lot’s of fear. I know I want to be a mother, I know I want to parent with Gil. But I know that our lives are going to change in ways I can’t even being to imagine. We have a pretty great thing going on right now, just the two of us. We live on the go, but when we want to hibernate we can do that too. We see our friend’s lots. We eat out at good restaurants on a regular basis. We have a rhythm that feels good. Now we are going to try and incorporate someone else into our merry band and hope like hell that we can find our way. There are things I KNOW we will have to change or give up all together. I am okay. It also dawned on Gil recently too. However there are aspects of our life I want very much to retain. I don’t want to be one of those parents who never sees her friends again. And I don’t just mean play dates. I mean I want to spend time with my girls.

We are not going to have a new born and in some ways I think that could be a good thing. There are aspects of dealing with a new born that don’t thrill me. Maybe they would if I had a baby, maybe I would learn to love the sleep deprivation, but I doubt it. I am a monster without enough sleep. I know I will be missing out on valuable bonding time. I know that there will obstacles for us to overcome with our child because he or she will have emotional baggage from being in care. Maybe if I am not totally exhausted from sleep deprivation I will be able to help our new child with his or her issues. No small part of me wonders if I am cut out for parenting a new born or infant. The total lack of sleep, the teething, crazy schedule, and fear of SIDS, all of those gives me the willies. These were the things about being a parent that scared the shit out of me and it seems like I won’t have to deal with them. But I won’t lie. There are things that still make me feel so sad when I think about not doing them. Smelling my babies hair after I give her a bath, teaching him to walk, hearing her first words, breast feeding *big ache in my heart for that one*

There at so many positives and negative no matter how we become a family but the truth is inescapable, we want to be a family. We are going to be good parents. And I would MUCH rather work through the complexities of adoption than to continue on the assisted fertility path. I am sure there are people for whom assisted fertility is the right option. I have girl friends that went through with it for much longer then I did. Some of them had babies and some of them didn’t. For me it felt wrong from the beginning. I hated the way the meds made me feel. I hated it. No fooling. I hated the way our life came to revolve around what day of my cycle we were on. I felt overwhelmed and instead of feeling closer to Gil I felt a distance creeping in. Adoption we are going through together, infertility felt like a burden I was carrying all on my own despite the fact that he was with me. I wish I could explain my feelings better. I know I didn’t give the clomid as much time as people typically do. I know that getting pregnant takes time. But it shouldn’t be like work. It should never take the fun out of sex, or out of life for that matter. I don’t want a child that badly. I would rather be alone with Gil until the ends of days then to have a baby but have my marriage suffer as a result. I will love what ever child we have no matter how that child comes to us but my first priority is to my husband, to my marriage. That is the commitment I have already made. Gil is real and he is here he needs me more then a hypothetical child. Maybe that will change when the child is real. Gil is my partner and my best friend. He takes care of me all the time and he does it SO well. We are a wonderful team. I will miss some of the alone time we share when our family expands but I know he is always going to be there right beside me. I can’t wait to see him as a father. He is going to Rock My Socks! We are going to be a lucky family to have each other, all of us. Plus we have this amazing extended family. His parents are amazing and are just going to love any “beach bum” we have. His father is going teach her how to clam and take him out on the boat. His mother is going to paint with her and do crafts with him. I am feeling all smushy now. End of story for the moment.

One week closer....

Well we just finished our 7th pre-adoption class. This brings us one week closer to bringing a child into our home. I am excited and scared and all of the above. Gil of course remains... difficult to read. There is SO much going on at the moment. Aimee's wedding, getting ready to move, I am really starting feel like life is coming together. It is exciting. This is what I have always wanted.

What kind of parent do I want to be?

I want to be patient

I want to our child to be a good eater

I want either Gil or I to read to our child every night

I want our child to be respectful

I want to play with our child

I want our child to play outside

I don’t want to our child to be a TV junkie

I don’t want to be a yeller

I don’t want to fight with Gil in front of our child

I don’t want our child to think that Gil and I are perfect

I want to be supportive

I want to continue to socialize with my friends

I want to eat dinner, at the table, as a family

I want our child to be involved in activities but not OVER involved

I want to be supportive

I want to be a firm disciplinarian

I want to be consistent

I want to be fair

I want to be involved in our child’s schooling

I want to teach our child to be generous

I want to teach our child to be tolerant

I want to teach our child to stand up for them self

I want to teach our child to stand up for others

I want to encourage our child to be adventurous

I want our child to know that home is always a safe place to come to no matter what

I want our child to value family

I want to write letters, cards and journals for our child

I want to instill in our child sense of tradition

I want to teach our child to have good manners

I want our child to really enjoy holidays

I want to vacation as a family

I want to sometimes go away with just Gil while our child “vacations” with family

I want to include our child’s friends in activities when possible

I want to ensure that our child spends quality one on one time with both of us separately

I don’t want to make our child fearful of the world

I want to be honest with our child about the unique circumstances of our family

I don’t want to burden our child with my problems

I want to teach our child to live “greenly”

I want our child to spend lots of time with a diverse group of our friends

I want our child to spend lots of time with their grandparents on both sides

I want to take LOTS of pictures of our child but not staged Walmart pictures

I don’t want our child to ever have to question how much I love them; even when I am not happy with them

I Laid An Egg!

I had very very good news at the doctors office today!! The clomid did what it was supposed to do. I didn't get pregnant but the egg was there! I have been given hope. I feel so good right now. Hope can keep me going for a while, hope can keep my spirits up. I know it is still possible that we won't conceive a baby, I know that. Gil is going next week to have his swimmers tested just as a precaution. It would suck for me to get everything in working condition only to find out Gil's swimmers didn't swim. If we don't get pregnant we are still looking strongly at adoption. I just
don't want to shut this door prematurely, I don't want to live with any regrets, any "what ifs". I am tired, I do hate the way that the clomid makes me feel but some sacrifices are worth making. Gil and I are still good and he is totally supporting me and my choices. I laid an egg. I don't know how to walk away from that!

More questions....

1.What level of openness am I able to handle, emotionally
2.Who am I willing to visit with? Both birth parents? Biological grandparents? Aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family? Friends of the birth parents

Questions I have about adoption?

1. Can I Christen/Baptize an older child who may have already been baptized by their birth parents?

2. If we adopt from Children's Aid isn't there a chance that the birth parents are local and we could at some point bump into them?

A frustrating time....

Well here we are again; hormonal, tired, over emotional. This cycle of Clomid has really taken a toll on me. I am exhausted. I don't know how to keep it up. I don't know how some women do this for years. I don't want every thing in my whole life to revolve around getting pregnant. My marriage is the most important relationship in my world. I don't want the process of having to have a child to have a negative impact on that. I would rather be married to Gil then have a baby. I don't think that Gil would leave me or anything, I mean don't get me wrong. But this treatment makes me crazy, it makes me insane, it makes me unhappy. When I am unhappy I am hard to live with. Really hard to live with. When I am hard to live with I make mistakes. I have fears. I want to be a mommy, more then just about anything. But there are lots of ways to meet that goal. I am 33 years old, I don't want to still be trying in 2 or 3 years and be an old mother, not when we can start our family soon through adoption. So we have started to lay the initial ground work. I have talked to a social worker and we are going to an information session next month and we will fill out more papers then. We have decided to have one more go on the Clomid and then after that no more "heroic measures". We will go full steam into adoption and then just have sex for fun and if we get pregnant then yay and if not we will have our other child/children.
So that is our choice, this is where we are going. yeah.

So here we are again in the middle of a fertility treatment cycle. At the moment my ovaries are doing the tango out my back. My emotions are ALL over the place. I am basically exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well. Gil and I are starting to talk about where we go from here if this Clomid cycle doesn't work. Do we go another round, do we go stronger? Do we have the time and money to take the next step? When does infertility lead into adoption? Can I adopt given my personal history? I have already been looking into some adoption information and it is a scary process.
I think that Gil and I would be great parents given the chance. I worry that I will always wonder about what it would be like to have my "own" baby. I worry that we might not be good enough parents for a child with special needs. I worry about being judged not good enough. I think that I need to get some sleep. I need to rest and clear my head. Tomorrow is Friday and hen on the weekend I can rest. I can try and get more perspective. I can keep trying to make a baby with my husband until we are little and old.