So last night I just lost it. Not normal losing it but HUGE losing it. I had a hard day. I was angry at Gil from pretty much the time we woke up. Poor pooper couldn't catch a break. We were mean and snarky to each other all day. Then in the afternoon when I had a terrible headache (again) he called to tell me that he is going to be out of town on business on the 2nd and 3rd. Normally I live for this stuff. Just for a night or so I love it when I get the whole house to myself, the whole BED, it is fun, it is nice to miss each other. But THIS time it means that he will be missing our first Adoption prep class. This makes me insane. I know it is not his fault and that he would change the dates if he could but I am still pissed at HIM. So on the way home there is more snarking. We get home and it gets worse. I am tired, probably PMSing and unhappy with how this day is turning out. I say something to Gil, he responds with a smartass remark which is framed to just dent my feelings a little but I LOSE it. I silently go up to the room and flop on the bed. Then my brain gets going a million miles an hour. Half and hour later when Gil comes to see how I am doing (because in his mind it is over) and I just erupt into the ugly cry. There are tears and snot everywhere. I am speaking but the words are just coming out in sobs. I tell him that he doesn't love me because he never shares his feelings with me, that I am such a terrible mother I shouldn't even have a cat. That I will NEVER have a baby and probably don't want one anyway. I tell him that no one understands because they don't have to take these terrible pills and feel all crazy and know that it is their fault we can't make a baby and then I just bawled more. I bawled until my face hurt and he just sat there rubbing my back calm as can be. He is so cool under pressure. Anyway in hind sight I could have seen that coming, it has been a big week. I never do well with big weeks. We have started looking at houses and I totally fell in love with one. Gil's ex added him as a friend on fbook and I had a weird PMSy reaction to that when I thought I would be fine with it. We were out of the house ALL week. I swear we did not eat dinner here once this week. It was a VERY stressful week at work and that was starting to wear on me. All this is usually a recipe for disaster.
I was happy tonight, despite me serious hate on for winter at the moment, that it was too nasty to go out tonight so it has been a very quiet night in, just Gil and I (with brief visits from Aimee and Brianna) Gil is happily blowing stuff up and I am reading and had a LONG bath. This is just what the doctor prescribed.
No comments:
Post a Comment