In Love with Love.

Recently I have been obsessed with love stories. All manner of love stories; lovers, spouses, parents and children, human to human, any love at all. I don't know what started it. I mean I always like listening to stories about people in love. I love reading my own story of love and watching my wedding video. But something recently ignited in me and my apatite has become voracious. TV shows where a deep, passionate (sometimes dark and scary) love is the central theme have become my torrents of choice. Books are the same regardless of their literary credentials. Same goes for blogs and music. At the moment I am just hooked on love.
I think that part of it is the rush you get. My good friend Trevor once told me that he thought I was addicted to that bio-chemical reaction that one experiences when they are first in love. I don't think he was wrong in his assessment of me. Of course at that time I had never gotten far enough into a relationship to know how good it feels when that initial rush passes and morphs into something new and different. I could not imagine anything that could feel better then falling in love. Boy was I wrong because falling in love has NOTHING on the warm, comfortable embrace of BEING in love, in a secure relationship. I know it sounds trite but it is true. And I will tell you why. For me, and I can't speak for anyone else, the RUSH of the falling is accompanied by something else, something much more sinister, it is a deep, DEEP, anxiety.
Falling in love means that the rug can be pulled out from underneath you at any moment. When you are falling in love you have to be on your best behavior ALL the time. One pms induced tear, one escaped fart in a moment of weakness, on single hair missed in the great shaving extravaganza and the whole thing could come crumbling down. When you are falling in love there are no wet towels on the bed, no toe nail clippings on the dresser. When you are falling in love you are the BEST you that you can be. It is so damn uncomfortable. I know I can put on a good face, I can look pretty and talk about interesting things... for about ten minutes. Then I am going to spill something on my shirt, fall up the stairs and fart. Probably all at the same time. The love stories that touch me the most are the ones that have been tested and survived. Like a Timex they have taken a lickin' and kept on tickin'. Today at lunch I saw a man who must have been 80 opening the car door for his sweetie and helping her in. That is the love that reduces me to tears. That is the love in the world I want to show my children. And I think that is the root of my recent unquenchable thirst for the big L is coming from. I keep seeing things that make me doubt people, doubt humanity and the inherent goodness for people. I need to be reminded that there is so much love out there in the world, just as there is within the wall of our home. Not everyone is pirate, a terrorist or a pedophile. Most people are decent and hard working and have a love story of their own to tell.

Hotel Review - The Westin Nova Scotia

Okay so every few months my girl friend Aimee and I like to get away from our men folk, check in to a hotel and act like girly fools. We order room service, swim in their pool, and treat ourselves like queens. It is a grand ol' time and we of course think we are worth it.
Two weekends ago we were booked into The Westin Nova Scotia. We booked this room more then two months ago and were REALLY looking forward to it. As it happened in between the time we made the booking and our date Aimee took a second job and ended up having to work on the Saturday, it certainly was not the end of the world but I think it was less enjoyable for both of us that Aimee couldn't be there until after 10pm. Aimee called the hotel to make sure that I could check in without her since the reservation was made on her card. They said it was fine and that check in started at 3pm.
So I started over on the bus around 2pm. It was not too bad really, it wasn't really raining yet and I didn't have to to wait to long for the connections. When I got there it was just about bang on 3pm. I was delighted of course when the doorman smiled at me and opened the door. Very nice touch. I love the decor of this place, walking in the lobby made me feel so posh. I went to the desk to register and was helped by a very nice (not hard on the eyes) young man. However I was very annoyed when he told me that our room would not be ready for an HOUR. An hour! The reason why we double checked the check in time was to avoid something like this.
Well all was not lost, I saw that they served Starbucks in their lounge and so I went over with Aimee's laptop and ordered myself a latte. Well let me tell you something. The sign says they serve Starbucks coffee and they have a little Starbucks sign but this is very misleading. The serve Starbucks coffee in the same way I can at home, you buy Starbucks brand coffee and brew it up. The girl who served me was snotty and the latte was just about one of the worst things I have ever tasted. She was no Starbucks Barista I can tell you that. Thank GOD for the wifi connection in the lounge of I would have been really pissed.
I passed an hour feeling a bit like a stranger in a strange land, it reminded me a wee bit of waiting in hostels or airports when I was younger but with the cynicism and fatigue of age.
At 4pm I went back up to the desk to inquire if our room was ready and the guy couldn't find one that was ready, until he looked up and saw the murderous glare in my eyes. Did I mention that this reservation was made TWO months ago? Well when the nice young man noticed I was getting pretty cross he magicked up a room.

I was looking forward to dropping into bed and sleeping for a while with no cats walking on my head. I figured Aimee and I would be up late gabbing so a nap would be a good idea.
I plugged the laptop into the internet provided in the room and was DISGUSTED to find that it was going to cost me $10.00 to get hooked up until check out the next day. $10!!! That is highway robbery! They have 310 rooms. If even half their guest use the internet hook up that is $1550 a DAY. How big is their Eastlink bill that they need to charge so much?



The room it's self was pretty.Good colours. Good use of the old architecture.
There were two good sized closets which would be great if you has stuff to hang. (Since I had such a tiny closet at the holiday in when Aimee and John got married this is something I now notice.)




One of the closets had a safe which I knew would tickle Aimee.
<--------


The beds had lovely linens, I am a fan of good linen. No scratchy wool blankets, no ugly 80's bedspread. This is a big bonus for me. I like pretty things. Speaking of pretty, we were on the back side of the hotel so we had a pretty kick ass view of the harbour and Georges Island, or would have if the fog had not been so dense.

There was a nice flat screen tv which of course I loved since I am a TV junkie in detox.

There was also a beautiful writing/computer desk. It was so cool because there were all kinds of plugs and inputs built into the front of the desk.

I love mod-cons! On the dresser/entertainment unit were a couple of $5.00 bottles of water. I love going through drawers at hotels. I guess I am on the look out for things people left behind. I have never found anything interesting. But this time in my hunting I found something really fun....

A MINI BAR!

I have never, in my memory, stayed in a hotel with a mini bar. I was trying to check it out, I mean I didn't really want a $20 bag of chips (okay I exaggerate a little) but I wanted to look. I turned the room upside down but I could not find the key. I certainly was not going to CALL down to have them send me a key so they could charge me $20 for a bag of chips. When Aimee arrived she did the whole thing over again and came to the same answer. So I hung out watching TV for a while (oh sweet TV I miss you so) then I realized I was hungry so I decided that rather then go out in the rain to Taj Mahal I would order in room service. I mean I have heard great things about the food here so I was pretty excited anyway. I should have braved the rain. While the food wasn't horrible it was certainly not good enough to warrant what I paid for a salad, burger, sweet potato fries and can of pop. The rest of the evening was split between the tv and drying off from the Christmas parade (that is a story for another day). The tub was nice, the water stayed hot and the bed was comfy. All good things. Then finally Aimee showed up. YAY!

She was flustered however because the whole parking lot for the hotel was full so she had to park, in the pouring rain, out on the street overnight and pray she did not get a ticket.
She ordered dinner and I got dessert. Mmm. Aimee's dinner was a lot better then mine so now I know they CAN cook and my dessert was good although not what I was told I was getting.
Aimee and I spent the rest of the night howling with laughter at the names of the dirty movies and trying to decide if it was worth it to spend $12 to watch a regular movie. In the end $12 was just too much for a movie that I can probably already get on DVD for less.
Eventually we decided it was time to bunk down. When the TV we was off we noticed the strangest thing. We could hear really loud music coming fro somewhere. We checked the hall, nothing. We looked out the windows towards Electropolis, nothing. In the end we determined that we were RIGHT above one of the hotel ball rooms and there was a wedding going on. A very loud wedding. Which o course as a wedding guest I would love but when I am trying to sleep. Not so much. However eventually Aimee stopped chatting and the music went away and I drifted off to sleep. I even had a half decent rest, right up until the sun came up. See we had closed all the drapes in the room to block out the morning light but there was no drape in the bathroom which ordinarily would not have been a big deal but in this case the bathroom door was not solid wood it was glass so that bright morning light just came shinning in. Aimee and I were both solidly pissed at this.



The natural, unstoppable light at 7:30am
<========= evil! Breakfast came shortly after 8:30 and again the food was ok but certainly nothing to write home about and surely not worth what we paid for it.

After breakfast we went down to the pool. It was bathtub warm and had cool art deco architecture but there was no deep end which I found weird. The hot tub seats were oddly arranged so that you were either too deep or much too high out of the water and the surface of the tub was FILTHY. I was too grossed out and decided I couldn't stay so we got out. But of course there were no towels left. Figures so we dripped all the way back up to the room praying that no one would see us. We had lots of time to kill before check out but we just weren't feeling the vibe so we decided to check out early and do some shopping. The final slap in the face came when Aimee went to settle the bill and she had to pay $1.00 for a local phone call. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? I could not believe it. I was beyond grossed out at this blatant rip off.

The long and the short of it.... The Westin won't be on my list of places to stay in Halifax anytime soon! And that is sad for them because look how cool WE are!

Sitting in the lounge at the Westin Nova Scotia waiting to check into our room. It is mine and Aimee's hotel weekend but she has to work until 9:30. Shitty planning but it can't be helped. Anyway our room is not ready to I am sitting here with Aimee's laptop drinking the worst Starbucks latte ever and feeling pretty pretentious. Gil is still in evil ol' Toronto and I must say that I miss him terribly. I have gotten used to him just being there. But it has me thinking (ohhh I just saw a beautiful bride walk by and now I feel all smushy) anyway as I was saying... Him being away has me thinking that I take him for granted too much. He is my constant companion but he is also sort of my back up plan. If I am not doing something with Aimee or David or whoever then we might make a plan to do something. I was talking to my brother today and he said the problem with his last relationship was that they just were friends and nothing more anymore and I never want that to happen to Gil and I. So I have to think about those things more often. I want him to know he is always my first choice for a date, that even when he is away from me he is always on my mind.
Anyway. That is all I have to say about that at the moment.

As promised a post on a topic....Topic # 1....

As a primer to tackling the Big A I wanted to take a brief look at the "Morning After Pill"...

I think that it is important that I be honest about my experiences when discussing all these topics because I am a real person and it is my experiential reality which shapes my world view. So I will be perfectly candid and tell you that I have personally used the MAP ... actually I have used it 3 times.

The first time I was around 17 and I had some very inadvisable sex with an extremely inadvisable "man" and I was too stupid to insist he wear a condom. Yeah I wanted him to like me. I paid for that error in judgment. I spent a very pleasant 16 hours on the cold bathroom floor throwing my ever lovin' guts up. I also swore I would never have unprotected sex again...yeah right.
and so...

The next time I was 20 and living in England. I was in love, engaged and totally fucked up. It would have been a disaster to get pregnant/be a parent at that time of my life. We went to "casualty" and got the pills. I did not get sick that time. Sadly however what I did not know at that time was that I was already 8 weeks pregnant. The combination of the MAP and the recreational drugs and party lifestyle that we were living lead to a miscarriage not long after. It was a hard time for all of us and I still struggle with the results of my actions however I stand by the fact that I was not ready to be a parent at that time.

The last time was different. The last time is hard to talk about. The last time I don't recall being given a choice but I would have taken it either way. The last time I was raped. The MAP was just a few more pills in a veritable cocktail of meds they handed me in the emergency room along with what I can only guess where some high dose antibiotics and perhaps a sedative and/ or pain killer. I don't remember feeling sick. I don't remember feeling anything at all for a long time.
From this safe vantage point in my life eleven years later I know that if the MAP was not an option made available for me, I might not have made it through that ordeal alive; if I would have had to worry about a possible pregnancy on top of everything else I might have killed myself.

So as you see I am unable to talk about the subject and be completely objective and I know that but I will try and be as fair as possible.

Let's look at this from a medical perspective.
The Hypocratic Oath says "...Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive remedy..." (which I assure you I will get back to when I discuss abortion!)
and Miriam-Webster say an abortion is "the termination of a pregnancy after, accompanied by, resulting in, or closely followed by the death of the embryo or fetus"
So if my logic follows in order for there to be an ABORTION there has to be an embryo or fetus. How does this jive with what we know about the morning after pill?
The pills themselves are basically a higher dose of the same hormones found in regular oral contraceptive pills (The Pill).
According to every source I can find, the emergency contraception pill is good for only up to 72 hours post sexual encounter.However the earlier you take it, the better: the morning-after pill works best if taken within 24 hours of unprotected sex. However it is effective up until 72 hours. Three days. What happens in those three days? Well lets just assume for the arguments sake that at the at the time of said sex you have actually ovulated. (which I would like to add is not as easy to time as you might think)
If intercourse is timed correctly then between 100 and 300 million sperm may be awaiting the appearance of the solitary ovum. Some sperm are probably lost, heading in the wrong direction or up the wrong the fallopian tube, and other sperm may be neutralized by the immunity-function of white blood cells. I know this sounds some kind of freaking science fiction, doesn't it! The fact is, of the millions of sperm that navigate their way from the vagina to the fallopian tube, only several hundred of the healthiest will get the opportunity to meet the egg.
At this key junction, the question remains: Will the ovum get fertilized? Let's see what can happen.... The sperm will typically meet the egg in the lower quadrant of a fallopian tube and start to swarm around the egg. The ovum is covered by a protective field known as the zona pellucida, and in order for fertilization to take place, sperm cells must find a keyhole (or receptor) to unlock the zona pellucida, gain entrance, and burrow their way to the oocyte, the genetic core of the ovum. Only one sperm will connect with the oocyte, precipitating genetic combination - signaling that fertilization has just taken place. With fertilization, the ovum becomes the zygote or embryo and now passes through complex phases of cell division and differentiation. BadaBing! You have just conceived!
How long does this take? Here is the major question as it pertains to the MAP. Nothing I have found has said it take "36, 48, 73 hours" for the sperm with the Golden Ticket to unlock the gate, gain entrance, and burrow its way into the warm gooey comfy spot that is the oocyte.
The prospective of most Pro-Life movements (which I promise I will look at more closely in future) is that life beings at when this Spermy, Eggy meeting happens. The very very moment. The Medical community, for the most part has a different perspective. Prior to implantation the the combined spermy/eggy is in a sort of free floating phase. In order for pregnancy to actually occur the Zygot must successfully implant in the endometrial lining. Implantation typically takes place several days and up to a week following ovulation.

"Several days to a week" ... that is is pretty vague to me. I could not find a statistic on how long the average woman waits before getting the pills, how many women use it within the first 24 hours, which we have already been told it is the most effective, or how many women wait a few hours after they have them to make sure they want to do it. All the little things may be a contributing factor.

So here is what I think. I morning after pill, if taken properly as it is intended, is not an "abortion pill', it does not terminate a pregnancy, it prevents one from taking place. It temporarily stops the release of an egg from the ovary, it prevents fertilization and/or it prevents a fertilized egg from attaching to the uterus. I don't think that this pill should be used as a primary form of birth control, I think that people, my self included you take responsibility for birth control prior to engaging in sexual behavior however... shit happens and I think that this is a viable, acceptable plan B.

Things you don't think about at 22...

I know you will find this hard to believe, but I was not always the calm, cool, responsible adult you know today. *snicker*
Yes I am a woman with a past. This is not a shock to anyone who knows me well. I don't take out billboards advertising my past exploits but I am certainly not hiding anything. Yes there are things that I am ashamed of. I challenge you to find me one person who has never done anything in their life they are ashamed of. However I believe I am basically a good, decent person. I wish I had been nicer to Paul. I wish I had been nicer to the girl who is now his wife. I wish I hadn't taken my family for granted. I wish I had spent more energy on my relationship with my Auntie. I wish I had not exhausted and wore through the friends who were really there for me. I wish I had not taken advantage of Shannon's kindness and her nurturing spirit. I wish I had made better choices for myself. But I can't change what has past.
Trust me I do have a point I am just coming at it the long way around....
Honest to god I don't remember much about what I was doing at 22 and most of the paper trail from that year went up in the flames of a bonfire earlier this year. I know the year was 1997. I know I finished up my first year of university and I did pretty well. I know that I broke up with a steady, nice, good guy because there as some wrong deep down inside me, a deep dark lack of self worth that was beginning to consume me despite my successes. I know that I met and began a relationship with small g greg, a handsome, smart, funny, deeply self destructive man who already had a girlfriend. (not the first or last time in my life I would be the other woman but that is the tale for another day) I know that small g greg was into exploring his universe with the assistance of Lysergic acid diethylamide and because I really liked him and I wanted him to like me so I attempted to open the doors of preception as well. I know that this was not enough to make small g greg like me sufficiently to leave his girlfriend when she got home from her summer job away. I know that is WAS enough to make that growing self doubt & hate explode into an all consuming rage/depression. I know that the doors of perception left open too often and for too long left room for all the deamons I had been keeping at bay for the preceding 21 years coming marching on through. I know that this led to even more problamatic decision making on my part, stupid decisions, dangerous decisions. I know the decisions I made led to my sexual assault. Not that is was my fault but that the decisions I made led me there. I know that the cumulative result was me chilling out in a mental hospital for the last few months of 1997. What a year when you look at it like that.
If I could just go back and have a word with myself, sit down over a coffee and look her/me right in the eye... If I could just go back and have an hour alone with myself I would have some very sage advice.
(1) I told well me to stick with school no matter how hard things got. School is the silver bullet. School might well be the best thing you can ever do for yourself.
(2) I would tell me to work hard for what I want. That is nice to be taken care of but it feels so much better to take care of yourself.
(3) I would tell myself that it isn't the relationship with Keith that is wrong but how I see myself IN that relationship. Go ahead and break up with him if you don't feel the spark but it is not going to change what is going on inside of you.
(3) I would tell myself that she can do better then small g greg. Actually that is not correct, because it makes it sound like the problem was with him. He was (and still is) a lovely guy. As I said he was very smart, very funny, tender and kind. And he was so beautiful to look at. But as soon as I knew he was involved, seriously involved, with another girl I should have ran as fast as I could have in the other direction. Because I deserve to be more then the other woman, I deserve to be more then a dirty little secret. I deserve more. I wish with all my heart I could make that abundantly clear to my younger self.
(4) This should be obvious but I wish I could explain in the clearest terms possible that our choices have impacts and implications on our lives and on our futures. That is not to say that every decision you ever make will come back to bite you in the ass. But some will and some will bite harder than others and in ways you never anticipated. For example ( I told you I would get to my point eventually) I would love to tell frightened, angry, self destructive me that some day it really is going to get better. Some day with a lot of hard work her life is going to be mostly normal. Someday she is going to have a steady job to take pride in, a house of her very own to take of and grow in and best of all a husband who is a best friend and a partner and someone who REALLY loves her and in turn she really loves and wants to take care of. Some day she is going to have all this and want to protect it by investing in some life insurance. But then she going to answer all their health questions and the result will be that because she had cared more about if a boy liked her then her own future and she (of her own free will - not blaming anyone but me here) took some drugs in 1997, here in 2008 she was refused life insurance and the ability to take care of her family should anything happen to her.

okay. end rant for now. I just wanted to say I was bummed about the life insurance and I wish I had a time machine.

Dang...

Okay so I am pretty much ready to post my first topical issue thingy.. (yeah I am having a hard time with words tonight) anyway I have one small problem, I am suddenly struck with a case of stage fright. I suddenly care what people might think about what I say. I guess that I have pretty much suspected that no one read this at all but periodically I hear people say... "blah blah blah your blog...blah blah..." and then the other day my husband told me that he reads it from time to time. So now I am worried that I might step on some toes. I am going to try to put it up in the next day or so. If I take shit for it then we will deal with it. If not I will try again. Yeah so that is that.

And now for something a little different...

Trying to figure out how I feel about life, the universe and everything.....Okay it is time for me to tackle some of the larger issues in life to see what I feel, where I am on the issues that really seem to matter...I think I will take one issue at a time (after I make a list) Abortion...Religion....Being Green....Eating meat...Open Marriage...Gender and politics..... You get the idea... I am going to read, watch, listen try and learn and then try and listen to my heart about how I feel. Then I am going to share with the rest of the world.Doesn't that sound like fun?

110 Reasons Why My Husband is The Best

1. His eyes sparkle and crinkle when he laughs.
2. He can take apart a toilet and but it back together on his own.
3. He always smells so good.
4. He is a very safe driver.
5. He is seriously one of the smartest people I have ever met.
6. He can make jokes about Pi.
7. He makes awesome homemade chicken noodle soup.
8. He helps me name inanimate objects with people names.
9. He makes trips to the grocery store romantic.
10. He sends me links to turtles/giraffes/kitties when I am blue.
11. His “pretty dress” joke.
12. He is not to high brow for a good fart joke.
13. He likes washing my hair in the shower.
14. He calls me at work when he wants to share something really interesting or funny.
15. He works at his job because he really likes it.
16. He always makes my birthday super special.
17. He is okay with having breakfast for dinner.
18. He has a really nice bum.
19. He puts the toothpaste on my toothbrush every morning.
20. He loves BOGO.
21. He says good morning to Don on CBC radio faithfully.
22. He both is and is not a mamma’s boy.
23. He always helps his friends out even with crappy jobs.
24. He makes really good coffee.
25. He sits on the side of the tub and pours water on my back.
26. He lets me pick his body wash.
27. He can play Barbie’s with little girls.
28. He cleans up after himself when he is sick.
29. He totally supported me through Clomid.
30. He thinks Homer Day is funny.
31. His gifts to me are always so thoughtful.
32. He only says no when there is a good reason.
33. He taught me about slop.
34. He doesn’t say “I love you” casually.
35. He is not uptight about money
36. He does not care about farts.
37. He tells good bedtime stories.
38. He eats whatever I cook even if it sucks.
39. He makes mooing noises when we drive by cows.
40. His total devotion to all things Rush.
41. His explanation of the Time Cube.
42. He makes killer scrambled eggs.
43. He is never (hardly ever) cranky in the morning.
44. He gives the cutest voice to our cats.
45. He never fails to kiss me good night, even when he’s mad.
46. He never complains when my beard is thicker then his.
47. He always brings me glass bottle when he goes to PEI.
48. He is good with babies.
49. He is always nice to my mom.
50. He talks to my crazy drunk brother on the phone.
51. He comes in with me at the Dr.’s office.
52. He is good at carving a turkey.
53. He can really keep a secret.
54. He is very compassionate.
55. He doesn’t care if I go to bed angry.
56. He never makes me feel inferior because of my infertility.
57. He loves his sisters.
58. He understands that sometimes cramps are the end of the world.
59. He rarely gets drunk and stupid.
60. He has a really sexy back and shoulders.
61. He always listens to me gripe about work.
62. He loves to read.
63. He listens to me talk about my dreams, figuratively and literally.
64. He can be the bad guy when he needs to be.
65. He has a wonderful variety of friends.
66. He will go into Lush to “just smell” with me.
67. He volunteers for Operation Red Nose.
68. He is affectionate in public.
69. He is never afraid to try new foods.
70. He knows what the “Carrot Store” is.
71. He is a great back scratcher.
72. He goes to the skating party every year.
73. He plays the same “game” with me every Christmas Eve.
74. He thinks its okay to bring a book out to breakfast so you can read & eat.
75. He makes a kick ass Robot Butler.
76. He always helps me on the computer.
77. He never laughs at me when I cry ‘cause Leo died.
78. He loves a good movie date night.
79. He makes awesome costumes.
80. He has very kissable lips.
81. He understands why it is awesome that “God put his picture on the fridge”
82. He thinks my glasses are sexy.
83. He often comes to have lunch with me at work.
84. He drank red wine with me on our first anniversary.
85. He doesn’t notice how grey I am going.
86. He understands that Trailer Breakfast is a thing a beauty to be revered.
87. He loves Lost as much as I do.
88. He loves Pamcakes.
89. He understands the smell of Sunlight dish liquid brings out the crazy in me.
90. He understands the deviation from a plan is hard on me.
91. He loves the Bunnies at White Point as much as I do.
92. He never resents it when I want to do stuff with other people.
93. He eats purple popcicles far from me.
94. He doesn’t laugh if I say SIN number or PIN number.
95. He doesn’t get grossed out when I talk about lady stuff.
96. He understands that celebrating milestones is important to me.
97. He remembers to do things like test the smoke detector.
98. He thinks that Steak & a Blow Job Day is funny.
99. He gets along really well with my Big Brother.
100. He gets really mad if people are mean to me.
101. He indulges my addiction to Starbucks.
102. He lives by the Tomato code
103. He thinks that charity auctions are fun.
104. He drives me all over the place without complaint.
105. He bought me a beautiful house.
106. He always votes.
107. He is not afraid of hard work.
108. His Meggy dance.
109. He always does his share of house work.
110. He is the best husband in the world.
     

I am tired, I am damn tired. I know I didn't gratitude last night. I was tired then too. this weekend has been hard, mentally and physically. I am beat and I am scared.

I am grateful for good doctors, good medical care and the worlds best husband. there you go.

Why I didn't do my gratitude last night but will FOR SURE tonight....

Well folks, I have officially over done it. last night I went to the gym because I was determined to get me three in this week. I did this despite the fact that I was exhausted and run down and had not had a proper meal since 10:30am. As a result I ended up in hospital, rushed by ambulance with very little recollection of what happened. I remember thinking a few minutes before "I am too tired to do this today I should just go." Then I thought "don't be a pussy, just finish" I was working hard, I was thinking about getting weighed and measured on Monday. The next thing I knew I was on the bicep curl and I was trying to ask for help but my mouth didn't know how to work anymore. Then I work up and there were men all around me asking me questions and sticking me with things and for some reason my hand hurt terribly ( I still don't know why). I was loaded on an ambulance and rushed to hospital.By the grace of God Gil was in the parking lot waiting for me so I didn't have to be without him for long. It was a long night at the ER. The doctor was mostly concerned that when I came to I had a killer headache and also when they too my blood sugar in the ambulance it was 6.1 which is perfectly normal. I guess they were hoping it was a low blood sugar thing. Anyway the doctor seemed pretty concerned it might be an aneurysm but the CT scan looked good. He wanted to do a spinal tap but at that point I freaked out and said I wanted to go home. I had already had so many needles, I was hooked up to oxygen and an IV because after a few hours I still had low sats. there were wires coming off me everywhere and I was really fucking freaked out. Anyway they let me come home on the promise that I would take it VERY easy and come back if I had so much as a twinge. SO here I sit in my chair. Freaked out, tired, sore and stil for some ungodly reason concerned about getting weighed in.
As an additional note I found out on the way home last night, Gil told me (and I think his aim may have been to attempt to send me back to the hospital, my choice not to have the spinal tap was not a popular) that the first responders on the scene could not get a pulse on me. Period, anywhere. that really fucking scares me. I have to be honest. I am still really freaked out.

Well it was a good day... I am tired but I def. don't have that pmsy feeling of the other day. I still feel like stuff isn't getting done around the house as quickly as I would like and the mess if a little out of control. With Gil down and out with a cold I fear this weekend will be a wash. We shall see...

(1) Lunch with David
(2) John playing John
(3) I made dinner and it tasted good
(4) Pretty sunset
(5) work being actually calm

I sucked today. I gotta say. I was whinny and impatient at work. I gave my husband a hard time for having the gall to fall ill. AND I forgot to put on antiperspirant this morning so after my worker out I smelled so bad I made MYSELF gag. Over all not a stellar day. I wish I could have a do over but I can't so I just have to make tomorrow better. It is weird it really feels PMS grade bitchiness but I just finished recently so it can't be. In FACT it feels a lot like CLOMID crazy but there is no way on earth it can be that. Anyway.... I really ow my husband an apology. Poor pooper felt like HE had to apologize for being sick. How awful am I?

Lets find some gratitude anyway....

(1) Worked out even though I really didn't want to
(2) Drive home from Aimee
(3) "I take it back, unfuck yourself"
(4) cats see to actually like each other
(5) beautiful moon

Ha! Tonight I am going to be good even though I am too tired to keep my eyes open....

(1) Living room shelves!
(2) sammiches for dinner
(3) no gym tonight!
(4) the cats getting along
(5) most of the dishes being done.

Yeah it is a lame list but that is all I have.
Night.

I just realized I did not do one for yesterday so I suck a little, but I have to say so far I have been pretty good at keeping my word. I am already half way through the month. Go me.

Short and sweet tonight just like Mango who is curled up on my chest while I type.

(1) great work out
(2) ginger ale
(3)sweater weather
(4)hot coffee
(5)Michael's with Aimee. Woot.

I did it again!! This time the combination of a late game night and the addition of a new family member put all thoughts of blogging right out of my head. The new family member is a 8 week old kitten who was abandoned pretty much at birth and has been living with a co-worker of Gil's for the past few weeks. She is totally adorable and now answers (or not) to the name of Mango. Tikka is unhappy. We will see how it goes.

Anyway yesterdays gratitude....

(1) Mango!
(2) Breakfast with Gil at the new quiet Cora's
(3)Girl at Canadian Tire making the same funny vampire joke about my broken spade.
(4)lazy saturday afternoons
(5) IMPERIUM!

I was so tired last night I passed out before I had a chance to update my gratitude so I am going to do it this morning before the day gets away from me....

(1) Driving home from work with Gil, we only do it on Friday now so it seems more special.
(2) oatmeal cookie from Michael at work. I only had a piece of it and then gave the rest to Gary but it is the thought that counts.
(3)Not living in Texas. Ike blows. Literally.
(4) Dinner at Cheelin with Gil's coworkers and the boss paid.
(5) Someone noticing the shrimp in the rice before I took a bite. Yeah that was a really great thing.

If I didn't think it would be cheating all 5 things tonight would be Sara helping me with the yard .... but since I can't do all five it certainly gets top billing....

(1) Sara helping me so super uber much with the yard.
(2) Finally meeting a neighbour and she was cool.
(3) The beautiful moon light coming in the living room window.
(4) Wendy's for dinner. Naughty but so yummy.
(5)the sun shine we had today without humidity.

Good lord I am tired. This week I am just working my ass off and I am really starting to feel it. I fear Cardio tomorrow might kill me. I am going to update this and then I am going to fall into an 8 hour coma.

(1) Awesome water consumption today.
(2) the sound of crickets outside the bedroom window.
(3) grilled cheese sandwiches.mmmm
(4)My very comfy bed.
(5)Gil carrying the laundry down to the laundry room for me.

Oh man I had a work out and a half tonight. I am so sore but I know my body will thank me later. I know I can do this but I have to start I visualize myself losing the weight. Oh man I sound like mom. This can't be a fad, it has to be a life style. I can do this.

(1) Wanda having such a good day at work.
(2) our break at work because of the power failure (I hope know one was badly hurt in the accident that caused it.
(3) Laure posting pictures of the boys
(4) joining Curves Quest (GO GIRL!)
(5) Gil trying the hour wind down with me. I have the most supportive husband in the world.