Wednesday, May 26, 2010

So even though my weight has been coming off my blood pressure continues to be bad so today the doctor put me on meds. which really sucks. I wish I knew if I had a family history of high blood pressure. I can ask auntie Barb if it runs on mom's side but I have no idea about Jim's. I have no one to ask. That sucks too. Sometimes I just want a normal family... I want to say "hey mom and dad does anyone in our family have high blood pressure?" See how easy that is?!
Ok maybe that came out a little more bitter than necessary. I know that lots of people don't have access to family history. Not the least adopted children. I am just feeling a little... out of sorts.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The May 2-4!

We have had such a great weekend here on the hill top. Granted nothing went exactly as planned but we had a lot of fun. We saw lots of good friends. We BBQed a bunch. We geeked out big time. I got actual work done in the garden. I am doing battle with an old, sprawling, possibly evil flowering quince. It mean it is huge and cranky and I am pretty sure it is going to take all summer to dig it out. I don't have anything against quince in general, they are actually a lovely shrub most of the time. But this one, this is the un-loveliest quince of all
time. This is the before shot. I mean really, look at that thing. It is mangy.
I have never liked it but I didn't know how or when to take it out. With the driveway and retaining wall still incomplete I thought that this was the perfect time. I can't wait for this damn driveway project to be finished, it has been going on for SO long now. When we bought this house I was so in love with the garden but it became so overwhelming to maintain. It has really gotten ratty but THIS year I am reclaiming it. I am making it mine! This weekend was a good start. I know I won't get it all in one summer but I have to start. Otherwise we are going to be THOSE people with THAT yard. I don't want that. It doesn't have to be perfect, it won't look like a magazine but it will be mine.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I had a bit of a rough day for a lovely, sunny Saturday of a long weekend. I have been up in my own head after a bit of a crank with an old friend. We were supposed to spend sometime together this weekend. She was coming over here and we were going to do some yard work and drink some wine, she was going to spend the night. We were going to BBQ and talk girl talk. We do this every two months or so because she complains that we never spend quality time together. She gets jealous that I spend more time with other friends. So I put aside special time just for her. Today she wanted to know if she could bring her 9 year old daughter with her for our over night.She didn't have a sitter. I told her honestly that I thought the better plan would be to do it again another day. I should have known when I answered honestly that I was just asking for trouble. She seemed incensed. I had very logically reasons for not wanting her to bring the kid along. First of all... it wasn't the plan. If she brought her daughter to my house for 24 hours she would have to spend all her time entertaining the child. This isn't a slight against the kid the fact is ours is a grown up house, we have very little in the way of entertainment for a 9 year old. We don't have a tv, there are no kids to play with. I don't have toys. I am not letting her use my laptop (yeah yeah I'm a meany but the kid has a history of breaking computers) this is not the environment to entertain a kid that long... not AND hang out with me and do all the things we wanted to do. So I thought it would be better for ALL of us if we just rescheduled. It made the most sense. But of course it pissed her off. She took it as a slight. She said her feelings were hurt. I said she could come and bring the kid, I just didn't think she or we would have a great time. She opted not to come. Yet somehow I feel like I am the bad guy.
Am I?
I had a fairly large revelation yesterday and I thought I would share it with you. On Thursday night I had one of my "No I lay me down to sleep" panic attacks. Poor Gil was up with me for a long trying to get me to stop freaking out about the fact that I am going to die some day. He assured me repeatedly that it is not likely going to happen any time soon but I went to sleep (eventually) totally freaked out that there was a chance I might not wake up. I have been doing this my WHOLE life. I mean it, I can't remember a time that I didn't worry that time was just too short. But it has certainly gotten a lot worse in the last few years. I recognize that as I get closer to the age my mother was when she died my anxiety grows but recognizing and being able to control it are totally different. But anyway, my revelation.... yesterday I booked a trip away for Gil and I for October 2011. Yes 17 months away. It will be our 5th wedding anniversary and I wanted it to be special so I booked the trip. But OBVIOUSLY if I can book a trip for a year and a half away I MUST believe at some level that I will still be here to enjoy that trip. So I am just going to keep on making plans for down the road, keep goals and dreams in mind and I hope that keeps life in perspective. Because you can not enjoy life if you spend all your time worrying about dying. There you go. How smart am I??
Also Gil and I have been talking about what our next big-ish trip will be after Mexico ( 263 days!!) and we have agreed on a week in New York sometime in the not distant future. WOO!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Things are pretty good on the Hilltop. I am still feeling very tired all the time but I have found a new morning ritual that is easing up the morning stress. Lulu has starting waking up at around 5:30am which is brutal but I take them out for a walk, feed them, grab a quick shower and then jump back into bed for an hour. I feel more rested. My blood pressure is a little lower. I am feeling pretty good. Also I am having a great week at work. I am training our summer student and I think I am doing a decent job. I like the training, I like the feeling valuable.
Yup life is pretty good.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Last night I fell asleep in the middle of posting. I have been so tired lately. I don't know if that has anything to do with my blood pressure or not but I wish I could just get over it. I really don't like being so tired all the time and losing weight is supposed to give me MORE energy not less.
I have a lot on my mind tonight.
1. My baby brother Mike (or Mike #2) turned 19 today. Officially I am old. I remember SO clearly the day he was born. How we begged Mom to name him Eric. How I held him for hours, walking, walking, walking... fat little baby that he was couldn't sleep unless he was being walked. It was pretty much love at first sight for me. He is a great kid, getting closer to being a great man. But he will always be the baby.
2. My little sister Tiffany graduated from University. I remember going with her to check out the school. That only seems like yesterday. I know she is an old married bag now but she is my only kid sister and I love her with all my heart. I am so proud of all she has accomplished, I hope she knows that.
3. Today I got to participate in interviewing a student who we are hiring for the summer. I felt so grown up and valued by my boss. There have been a few days where I have wondered why I went back but days like today make up for it.
4. I totally love my dogs but... someday I want to sleep in. I am really exhausted all the time because I haven't slept in for weeks. Getting up at 6am everyday is hard. Maybe it is a good thing we didn't have a baby, I honestly have no idea if I could have coped with the sleep deprivation. I know is sounds lame but it is true. I don't know if I was made for motherhood. Maybe we dodged a bullet. There are days when it is still so hard but each day that passes it gets a little easier. I think like all other griefs it comes is waves and cycles. For now I am going to focus on my fur babies and how blessed I am with what I have.
5. 268 days until Mexico!!!!!!
I am feeling pretty good about myself right now even though I ate WAY too much today. A few months back I bought a bunch of stuff at Value Village 'cause I needed more work clothes. I bought a pair of pants. When I got them home they didn't fit. I mean REALLY didn't fit. I couldn't do them up. I was pretty upset. I felt really fat. But for some reason I kept them. That futile thought... maybe some day... I might lose the weight, they might fit someday. And today is that day!! I pulled them out on a lark... 15.4lbs later and they fit!!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Oh I feel like a bag of poop. I have a cold, the first one I have had in about a year. Working at the hospital gave me an incredibly buff immune system. I made it through all kinds of cold and flues that everyone else had. But this week EVERYONE who came through my door had a cold. David, my husband, my nephew, my in laws, EVERYONE! Why come to my house if you are germy?!When I am sick I stay home. I don't go to the grocery store. I don't go to work. I don't go visiting. If I have plans I cancel them.  I love all the guests who came to my house this week and I know I am being judgmental but keep your damn germs at home.
I am sick and cranky. Ignore me.

12.4 Lbs.

 I have been working so hard and it is really paying off.