Thoughts

Tomorrow I will be 32 yeas old. I have a god job, a nice roof over my head and a great husband. I have no idea how I go here. Ten years ago I was stuck in a world of self pity. I was hurting all the time. I was in love with a man who could not be in a relationship with me because I was so screwed up. I was going nowhere very fast and was so messed up I thought that death would be better then trying to be me anymore. I had lost my hope. If you had told where I would be today I would NEVER have believed you. If you told me the wonderful man that I married would not be Paul I would have called you a liar. I never believed I could have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone. I never believed that I would make anything of my life. I believed in the end that the prophecies of those who had hurt me in my childhood would come to pass.
I don't know when my hope came back. I can't pinpoint a moment when things came back together. I know that Gil helped to build me back up. I know that he gave me the courage to try things, to make choices, to fail and fall but with a safety net. But he does not treat me with kid gloves and I like that.
I make choices everyday to keep me out of the darkness. They are not always the right choices. Some days I see how easy it would be to slip back. I think I will always struggle. But I am so grateful for what I have been given. I am so grateful for all the wonderful things I have in my life; for my job, my home, my friends, my amazing husband who supports me every single day whether it is a good day or a dark day. This life I have, this hope of mine. It is the best birthday gift ever. yay me!