Hey sorry about the long absence, life in Meggyland has been nothing short of chaos. Between Gil basically living in Toronto and trying to adjust to the new job while maintaining a social life I have just been bagged every day. I think about coming home and blogging but my energy is just gone. But tonight I feel like 10lbs of crap in a 5lb. bag and so I am just sitting here watching crap tv (downloaded) and catching up on emails, and now talking to you. Gil is in Toronto but will be home later tonight. I hate it when he is away when I am sick, I know that there is nothing he can do to make the cold go away but having him here makes me feel better. It is psychosomatic. Anyway, tonight I flake. Which gives me a chance to tell you that this past weekend I reached the height of my middle class dream. I got a deep freezer! Oh yeah baby, there is no stopping me now. I am actually really thrilled, don't let my sarcasm fool you. I genuinely feel triumphant. YAY us. Don't worry we aren't heading out for a mini-van anytime soon.
Work is great, I confess to frequent feelings of overwhelming panic but they are passing. I am so glad the guy I am replacing has been there with me holding my hand, metaphorically speaking. He is done after next week and then I have to swim in the deep end on my own and it is a bit scary to think about. I know I will get good at it eventually but my inner perfectionist can't stand that I am not great at this yet. But so far I haven't really lost it, I came really close to crying once. Just one time but I fought it.
The only issue that comes up repeatedly is a personal one, a demon I am going to have to stare down sooner or later in order to make working there a non-issue. every afternoon I work at the VG site, well at least Tuesday to Friday. I walk into that building with 1000 things on my mind, full of to do lists and notes to myself about all the things I need get done in the next 4 hours. But then there is a new thought. a thought that creeps in, stealthy, from the depth of my mind. I can't predict where or when but I know that it will come. It finds me and it grips me with stark terror and says "your mother died here. Right here, right in this very building. The last wall she saw were these ones. Her last breath was right here." So far I have stuffed it down hard and fast before it has a chance to really take hold. I stuff it down and keep counting, I stuff it down and bring someone change, I stuff it down run to the next task. But I know there is going to come a day when I try to stuff it and that compartment will be full to capacity. I am not looking forward to that day.
okay, enough heavy now. Off to feel icky in bed with some hot lemon and honey.
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