okay night #2 and I waited way too late to start, it is 9:40pm which in the Meggy-verse is actually rather later. I am an early to bed, early to rise kind of girl but a promise is a promise even if it is only to ones self. Or maybe especially to ones self. It was a miserable kind of day here. It pour rain ALL day which I can enjoy if I am in the right mood but I woke up this morning feeling bleak and the day only got worse so the miserable rain just felt... well miserable. My morning started at 5:30am with the god forsaken fog horn blaring its awful noise over and over and over and over... you get it right. When I did all asleep again I kept dreaming of ex boyfriends and lovers. As well as being lost in LasVegas and only being able to find the exit that leads to England. Weird right?! I know dreams are just stuff and nonsense but sometimes they really get under my skin. This was one of those mornings.I felt like I had been unfaithful in my brain, which again I know is foolish but....I guess I can't help what I dream.
Then I had a doctors appointment where the doc told me something I didn't want to hear and so I was just miserable for the rest of the day. I hated work, I hated at least one of my co-workers. I hated all my customers.
I feel in a miserable rut. I haven't been doing very well with weight watchers but I seem to be unable to muster any real enthusiasm for the program at the moment. Worse still I seem to be having a difficult time getting moving. I did get out for a walk with Lulu tonight but it wasn't a great one. It was still so wet and dreary and my soul was wearing the matching shirt. I hate feeling funky like this because I know that I am the only one who can change it and I just have to DO IT. Like Nike says... Just Do It! but sometimes it doesn't feel that easy. Some days it feels like the whole universe and my brain are conspiring against me. But I know I have to take control. It sort of feels a bit like PMS now that I am writing about it. Like every once and a while I feel like the most miserable, rotten, fat ugly human being in the world and then my period starts and I think "OH! That makes sense!" I feel like that at the moment but with out the sense making menstrual cycle. I feel like there is a switch inside me that I should just be able to flip and feel better but I have forgotten how. And then I feel guilty because I am throwing myself a pity party where there is really nothing wrong with my life that a nap and some exercise couldn't fix. I don't want to be that girl who is always whining about what an awful day she is having. I hate that girl. I hate that negative person. I want to be to feel good girl. I want to be the girl everyone is so proud of because she is working so hard to not be such a fat loser. Instead I am the girl who is back sliding once ounce at a time and I hate myself for that. What is the matter with me??! Why can't I just do it right? I don't know how I got here but I hate living my life thinking about every morsel of food that passes my lips. My whole life has become about this weight battle. I just want to eat and live. I enjoy food. I love food, good food. Why does my whole life have to be about this one thing. How did I get here? I don't want to weight and measure and calculate points and worry about every thing. I don't want my whole weekend, hell my whole week to be good or bad based on what the scale said. I gained 1 pound and I HATE myself. That is not normal. I am tired. I am so tired. Maybe I don't care if I am fat forever. Maybe that is just who I am. Maybe I was to drown my feelings in a bag of chips and dip. Maybe I don't want to eat one more god forsaken piece of disgusting celery. Maybe I don't want my husband to ask me at the dinner table how many Points I had today! Maybe I just want to be free and normal. I don't even know right now why I am doing this. I know it will come back to me but right now I am just lost. Lost, lost, lost. I can't see the forest for the trees and I really just want to find my way back to civilization where I can enjoy a glass of red wine with out the 10 ounces of guilt. I want to want this and at the moment I don't. At the moment I am derailed and I don't know how to get back on track. At the moment I am just an angry fat girl. I AM AN ANGRY FAT GIRL. Where the hell did all this come from? See there is something wrong with this brain. I am wired wrong. I need to go to sleep. maybe tomorrow it will all look right again. Please dear god do not let that fog horn start blowing at the crack of dawn. I am begging you.