SORRY!

I have been terrible lately I have so many things to say that when I sit down to type I get overwhelmed and block all up. Life has been crazy. I mean that is life right. Life is a series of one crazy event after another. At least if you are like me. And most of you are. So what is going on? Well first of all as you know in November Gil and I decided to indefinitely put out adoption plans on hold. Which is fine however it has had some emotional fallout. These large decisions for good or for ill leave massive marks on our lives. Come Christmas time we were both lost in our own little worlds and neither of us felt any holiday spirit. I don't know if I mentioned it but I didn't even cook Christmas dinner. We went out to the Westin for the buffet. We didn't really exchange Christmas gifts. We just didn't feel into it. Gil paid for half of my new camera and I ended up giving him cold hard cash. The gift that keeps on giving. Then we were into the New Year and my birthday which I was not loving.
I was getting more and more and more disenchanted with work at the hospital. I knew I was unhappy and working through a grief process but I couldn't work out what was what. I do know that part of this is the mid winter depression kicking in. It always does and every year I think it is worse then last and I am sure it is usually exactly the same. Actually to be fair I have actually felt better this winter then I have in the past few years. I think the dog helps. But my back has been hurting and I have been way tired ALL the time. And I was really really hating work. A LOT. I had been feeling for a some time the I had made a mistake in taking this position. I was not a good fit. I didn't like the job and the job didn't like me. I was hella over worked, I felt like I should have rolled a cot in so I could get more accomplished and still they wanted more from me. I was coming in earlier, leaving later. Less time with my husband and fur baby.Plus they were paying me CRAP. I mean really, 40 cents above minimum wage!? I am worth more then that. I was not happy. I decided I wanted to be happy. I didn't know how to get there.
A few things happened in short succession...
My old boss from Maxwell made me a very generous offer to return to a more challenging job as Team Lead (new lingo!) and for a lot better pay. Gil and I talked at length and decided I would be a fool to not take it.
Secondly my 18 year old niece came down with an awful case of pregnancy. I wanted to be cool and supportive about it but mostly I felt like there was NO god and I was heart broken. It opened up all kinds of fresh wounds and set me back into my head for a while. Here is not the place to discuss her private issues but I will say that she is going through her own loss experience at the moment due to complications of her RH negative blood type. I know she is feeling heartbroken and I probably feel closer to her now then ever before, the bond of pregnancy loss is a strong one. When she is ready I will let her know that.
I wanted to write about ALL of these things over the past few weeks but I found them all so overwhelming. Thank you for listening to me now. I have lots more to say but I need to find my voice again.
Be kind to each other... 

Loves her....

First Dance

Spooky Stuff kids....

Starting to question the wisdom of his decision...

There are doin's afoot here on the Hilltop but I can't talk about that just yet. That is still secrets. Sorry folks I guess you will just have to keep coming back until the big reveal.

well despite my profoundest protests I still somehow managed to turn 35 this week. So far none of the planets have fallen out of alignment. Nor, to the best of my knowledge, have I taken a turn down senility lane. So I guess this 35 thing isn't the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I have like 363 days to get used to it so I guess that is okay. Go me!

Today is the very last day I will ever be 34. Ever.... in my whole life.

Okay so I know it is silly but I don't want to turn 35. I am not ready. 35 is MID. I am not ready for MID, it leads to late and I shudder to think what comes after THAT.
Alright I know what you are thinking... "Just the other day she was writting about how blessed she is!" I know, and it is all still true. I can't explain this panic in any logical way, the is nothing resonable behind it. My best rational thought is that is is tied in with the fact that my mom died in her early 40's which means at this age she was in the last decade of her life. I am SOOOO not ready for that. Oh yeah, I have worst death issues. If I were smart I would go see a therapist and get some help, nay some relief from this slow torture. I don't want to spend every day afraid to live because I might die. I dunno folks. I think maybe I am just a spazz.

Photo dump

You guys are so lucky, we are totally snowed in and I am bored so you get two posts in one day.
I thought maybe I would share some of the pictures I have been taking with my new camera.

This is Oliver's baby Mr.Pig

I love this picture of Tikka because it looks like she is singing.

I was really happy with this way this one turned out. THIS is why I wanted this camera.

Okay baking and taking pictures at the same time but I think this shot was worth the effort.

How delicious is this?

Random Saturday tosh.

Why is it that once I sit down to write all my good thoughts go out the window? The window in this case, since I know you were wondering, is caked in snow because there is a winter wonderland storm raging out there. At the moment it is all white and fluffy and picturesque but it seems to be unending and I fear that we shall be trapped in the house for the rest of the winter. Once we have eaten all our food we are going to be forced to eat the cats, then the dog and there is no good eating on him so naturally we will be forced to kill and eat other. I think that I will lose this battle. Gil is a wily bastard. Bless him. Anyway I digress, the weather is frightful. Our new dishwasher is supposed to be delivered today but I can't see that happening. We couldn't get up the hill last night, fun times slipping backwards to unseen traffic. AWESOME. (Totally just had a panic attack thinking the dog was dead because he wasn't moving... he was asleep. God I am a freak)
Well there is one blessing about the snow, Oliver likes it even less then I do. Our bathroom breaks have been mercifully short. Out, business, in! Although last night when Gil and came home from our hot hot date which we had to cut short because of the damn snow, we all went out to play/shovel and it was totally awesome. It was the first time I was able to get Oliver out again after his evening walk. Usually he just flat out refuses to leave his crate. YOU try moving a 75lb dog who doesn't want to be moved! Anyway it was fun.
Poor Gil is out there now and it is less fun trying to shovel the mountain that the plow left at the end of our driveway. The delivery guys called to say they are still coming today (they are hardcore) and I guess they will need to get in the driveway. I am secretly hoping the fella across the street who is out there with his snow blower will come and give my Sweet Baboo a hand. It is a good thing that I am good wife and fortified him with some Cream of Wheat before he went out there. I know, I know, if I were really a good wife I would be out there with him. I plead the one shovel defense. Also I get up at 6am to take the dog for a poop, that has to count for something right? No, I know, I really am just lazy.
Now I am off to make cupcakes for Shanna's kids who are coming over to get their Christmas gifts. Yay!

Welcome to 2010!

Sitting in my favorite comfy chair enjoying a cup of tea, the living room is a chaos of Christmas decorations being packed up. The furnace guy just left from restoring the heat to our bedrooms (again!) Gil is playing a computer game and all the fur babies are napping. I am almost embarrassed by the wealth of blessings in my life. How could I ever complain about this life of mine? Yes there are hard days. But what is a crappy day now and again compared to this blessed existence? Sure the furnace is being a pain in the ass but there is a guy who comes to fix it right away, we are not freezing out on the street. We can crawl under a goose down duvet to get warm, or throw of any of our thousands of clothes. I am a happy woman today. Truly I am.

My baby...

Oliver update....

I knew I wanted a dog and after meeting Steve I knew I wanted a greyhound. I didn't know I would fall deeply madly head over heels in love in less then a week.
When things weren't working with Wildcat I thought perhaps we had made the wrong choice bringing a dog into our family. However I felt compelled, if only because we had already invested so much money, to try another dog.
*Enter Oliver stage left*
I was so wary that this match wouldn't work either but I was right to trust Jeanette's judgment. Oliver (Rogue Villain "Rebel") was meant to be our dog. He is sweet and kind and loving. The other morning when he was me he wagged his tail! I thought I had died and gone to heaven. We have our share of daily challenges, Gil and I being first time dog owners are learning a whole new game. Oliver can be mind blowingly stubborn but I think that our classes will help all three of us learn to communicate better.
He is also afraid of pretty much everything including the cats (yay), the wind, traffic noise, the hardwood floors (oh dear!) and shadows but we are working everything out.
We have had two small accidents. A pee in his crate because he refused to leave it to be let out for a bathroom break the first day. And a poop on my mom's kitchen floor. That was our fault, we missed the signs. My sisters made me feel much better by telling me that when their dogs had done the deed it had been on the carpet.
On Monday he had two firsts (with us), a trip in the car which we were nervous about but he was a DREAM. As well he had a fairly large social gathering with my whole family including my three sibling's dog. He was AWESOME. He was nervous at first but quickly warmed up and was the center of attention all day. He was particularly fond of my 94 year old, stone deaf grandfather who knows none of us anymore but was very smitten with Oliver.
Today we celebrated a whole week together by taking an extra long walk at Shubie park and hitting Three Dog Bakery for some treats. Right now he is passed out cold in his crate but he seems very very happy.

A tail of two dogs...

Gather 'round folks and let me tell you a story. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll think I am crazy...er. So as you know we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of George. The day we got to bring him home was a very happy one for us. He was great. We got him home, went for a walk, he was awesome. So handsome, so sweet, so perfect. Then he met the cats. We had been assured that this dog passed cat school. Ummm yeah okay, I guess a D is still a passing grade. This perfect, handsome, awesome dog really REALLY wanted a piece of my cats... to chew on. We hoped it would pass.
The first time he was left home alone in his crate he broke the door off of it. I am so not kidding. But still his general behavior was awesome. Until he caught a whiff of cat. I am not even sure this dog got a D, I think he forged his grade. He thought of nothing BUT the cats. He hunted them through the house, he found the cat bed and rubbed his face all over it. If the cats were in the basement he would stand at the top of the stairs and cry and whine and drool. If a cat came into his sight he BOLTED. This first time he almost caught Mango it was truly terrifying. Day three he wanted Tikka SO badly he followed her up onto the dinning room table. I wish I were kidding. We called the lady at the kennel and told her we were at our whits end. We didn't know what to do. Then we found out that he had FAILED the first time around and the next time he was exposed to a cat who lived in a house with a whole bunch of dogs. Cheater.
In the end it was decided that no matter how much we liked George, no matter how awesome he was under most circumstances, we could not have a dog who wanted to eat our cats.
There was a dog they thought was a better fit who was being fostered just down the road. We got George all together with his stuff and walked him down the road in the drippy wet rain/snow. Yeah start weeping here. Pretty sad stuff.
The house were the foster pup was living also had like a BILLION other dogs. George walked in, pissed on the floor and forgot all about us. That was pretty much the end of that story. End one chapter and on to another. George's foster brother Rogue Villain was all set to head off into the world with us, although he didn't seem all that eager. Half way home we were soaked all three of us, a plow came down the street and I was pretty sure he was going to keel over from heart failure. When we got to the steps we met our first real obstacle, the stairs. After a long time of him crying and shaking I picked him up and carried him up the stairs. This is NOT a small dog. We got him in the kitchen and dried off. He didn't move. I mean really... did not move an inch... for hours. The cat came near to see that was going on. The dog cried. No really, the dog CRIED. After a few hours we decided that there was no way were were getting him to the crate to we brought it to him... in the middle of the kitchen floor. He would not go in. I had to pick up his paws and WALK him in. He was shaking so hard I thought he would break. We went to bed. I was worried because he was downstairs and he would likely cry all night. He slept like a baby. A proverbial baby since everyone knows real babies wake up and cry in the night. He didn't make a peep. not one. I got up at 5:30 to get ready for work and he was so quiet I thought maybe he had died of fear. Nope he was sitting pretty. I opened the crate. He wouldn't come out. Gil drove me to work and came home. He wouldn't come out. Gil came to pick me up from work 4 hours later, we got home and he still hadn't come out. I begged, plead and bribed him. No dice. I got him to come half way out. Front paws out, back paws in. He stayed like that for an hour and a half. he tried a few times but he seemed TERRIFIED of the hardwood floors. I could go on and on about this dogs fear. we did eventually get him out, at least long enough to move the crate into the computer room. The cats in the mean time did some testing of their own and found they could rule the dog with an iron paw. So it was decided, despite the fact that he is afraid of EVERYTHING including his own shadow and wind (yes, you read me right, he is scared of the wind) we know that he is here to stay so we decided that he needs a name. We loved the name George but he was the first dog and we could not recycle the name. We like people names for dogs. Because he is a tuxedo dog (black with a white shirt) we thought he needed a distinguished name and I came up with Oliver and we both love it. So Oliver is our dog and he is pretty cool.
We have a long way to go with the trust. He still basically exists in his crate, he only comes out if I am taking him out. But we have conquered the front steps. That was a real battle. We have been out for a few walks and he has started to make pees and poops and he even ate a little, which makes me pretty happy. Best of all when I got up at 6 this morning to take him out for a pee I came into his room and he stood up and wagged his tail!! He was happy to see me. He wasn't the dog we picked or planned on but he is awesome and I think we are all going to be very happy.

Still waiting..

We have an appointment at the kennel on Saturday morning. I hope this means that George will be home VERY soon. I can't wait. I have been doing doggy prep for a week. I am ready. Gil is ready. The cats will never be ready.
My back isn't ready but my back is just going to have to suck it up princess. I am in bed tonight on the heating pad and pumped full of drugs. Is it me our am I always sick or injured over the holidays?

Good glorious morning to you!

It is a very cold and windy winter morning and I am glad I have no place that I need to be today. My tea is hot and my chair cozy. I am thinking about starting a batch of sugar cookies and I have the Christmas tunes playing. Both cats are napping in close proximity to me and hubby is still curled up in the warm bed. It is pretty much a perfect Saturday morning. I am ignoring the fact that I have a mountain of laundry to do and that Christmas is in two weeks and I have done precious little shopping. Those things will still be there this afternoon but for now I am content to be a puddle of mush in my chair.

Last day of vacation....

I feel like I have a hang over. Up SO late last night working Operation Red Nose. My body doesn't know what to do with little sleep. My head aches and so does my back. My house is a freakin' mess, the tree is half up. There is a pile of laundry the threatens to kill us all. And my poor husband had too many cups of coffee last night and hasn't been to sleep YET! Yup he has been up for more then 24 hours and pretty soon he is going to come crashing to a halt and will be totally unable to help me with the million things that need to be done.

Vacation day 6

Wow what a lazy day. It has been pouring all day so any dreams I may have harbored about taking a walk have become soggy. Man I haven't gone for a walk once this week. SO lazy. We did get up at 8am for breakfast fish cakes and poached eggs for me, smoked salmon french toast for Gil, but that was only so I wouldn't be hungry when I went to my 9am massage. Decadent!! Since then I have plopped in front of the tv watching trash. Trolling through the internet. You haven't lived until you have been through this blog. After this week I will be able to go without TV for a good long time. Really there is so much crap out there. I mean even stuff I love is terrible. Yup come Saturday I am ready for a detox.
Of course I will pretty busy getting ready for George and then having George. Also I will be getting ready for the holidays and I am no where near close. Although Gil and I did do some shopping yesterday in Liverpool, that was fun.
I am determined that the holidays are going to awesome in spite of or in light of our decision. We are going to have our fur babies, lots of good food, lots of friends and most of all each other.
Okay since I started writing this I have watched two more episodes of CSI, eaten a salad, because lets face it, that website I posted above made need to eat a vegetable. This is officially the laziest day ever. With that in mind I think I will go have a nap.

Waiting for George...

So as I mentioned we are getting a dog. More to the point we are adopting a retired racing greyhound. His name is going to be George. We are getting him from the Greyhound Pets of Atlantic Canada (gpac). I have been really into Grey's since I met Steve, Melissa and Dave's dog, three years and a half years ago. He was so cool. So we have talked about it on and off. More on in the past few months. Now that we have made a decision about how we want to progress with our family it seemed like a good time to do something positive for ourselves. So here we are, about to be George parents. I am really excited and nervous. It will be a big adjustment. George is not meant to replace the child we are not having or getting, he is a baby in his own right but he is not a replacement. We are going to the kennel this week to find out which hound is the one meant for us. Like I said I am excited but nervous. It will be a big shock to the cats. Mango will likely be fine but Tikka is going to be pissed. The dog will have gone to cat school at the kennel but the cats will have had NO exposure to dogs. It should be interesting.
Stay tuned!

Vacation 2009!

Praise be to gods! We are finally on a relaxing vacation enjoying some much needed down time. We were both so close to burn out. We have both been working our asses off and as you know we have made some major life changes. We needed to sleep, we needed to sit and talk or sit in silence. We needed to play chess. We needed to recharge our batteries that were SO low. We are on day 4 and things are going very well. I have been napping. I have been, for the most part, sleeping well at night. We are eating and talking and dreaming. We have been swimming and reading and hanging out in front of the fireplace. We have also been watching WAY too much tv and surfing the net. It has been awesome.