I got email from a dear friend from university today letting me know that his Mother was sick with cancer and not likely to last very long as it is in her brain, lungs and liver. I am so sad for him, for both of them. and of course it makes me think of my own sweet mother. It is that time of year for me, as much as I love October it does mean that November is just around the corner. As much as I try to not think about it I can't help but still hating November. It is a cold, bleak month and it stole my Mother. I know I am a grown up and I should not think like that but somethings are just engraved to deep on the the soul. Sounds mellow dramatic doesn't it. Well maybe it is I am a drama Queen, but fault me when your Mother, Mom, Mommy has been gone 20 years, 11 month and 9 days. That is 1,092 weeks, 7,648 days, 1883,552 hours. I can't tell you how long that is to a heart. I am so lucky, I have a woman in my life who loves me, who cares what happens to me and is a wonderful mom to me but no matter how much she means to me, no matter how close we areshe can't fill the whole that my own Mothers death left in my soul. As I grow into adulthoodI grieve her in a new and perhaps deeper way. At 30 I understand much better how young 44 is. I understand how lonley she muct have been and how tired she must have felt because she spent almost all over her adult life dealing with abusive, alcoholic husbands, divorces, loss and illness. When she wasn't dealing will all that garbage she was a mother of three children who worked full time. I am not sure what dreams she had for herself, she never got a chance to share that with me, but I am sure that she did not get to fulfill many of them. I guess I am not supposed to feel sorry for my own Mother but I can't help it. I am not a mother yet but I can't imagin how terrible it must have been for her to know she was too sick to care for her own children, to know that she was going to die and leave us behind and she wouldn't see us grow up.
Hmmmm two dark posts in a row, I need to break out of my funk. I will try and my my next post a little more pleasent.