November 10th, lease signing day...amounst other things.

Yup Novemeber 10th again. How does that happen so fast? I am putting all my energy into NOT feeling sad because I feel like I had used up my sad quota. I feel a bit like people have grown impatient with my sadness, but seriously how can I NOT be sad? She died, I can't change that. It changed the person I am. It made me a somewhat sad person. No I don't think she would liek it if I lived my my life sad and mourning all the time, but this is not all the time, this is the day she died. Maybe if it were sunny and warm I would be able to walk out there and hold my head up and feel rejuvinated. But the leaves fell off the trees over night, it is pouring rain, dark in the middle of the day woth a a find so feirce and cold you think it might do permanant damage. It feel like the whole world knows what a sad day it is and wants to mourn with me.
A few years ago someone who I considered to be a friend said to me "It has been so many years, aren't you over this yet?" The cheek! This woman has both parents still living, she talks to her mom every single day on the phone, they see each other almost eveyday and she considers her mother one of her best friends. She has it so good, she has no idea. I know she would be totally devistated if she lost her mom, and I would never, ever wish that on her no matter how insensitive she is. Anyway it made me mad. No one would ever say that kind of crap to a person who lost someone in 9/11 what is different about losing someone you love to anything else? But I also don't want to dwell on it.
I have lots of wonderful positive people in my life who care what and how I feel and understand that today will always be a day of grief for me. I have Sweet Baboo who is AMAZING, and Elizabeth and Shannon and a bunch of other people who are so awsome. Plus I have so much to be thankful for today. First of all we are signing the lease for the townhouse today. YAY!
Well I just got a call from Pam saying there is another tour group coming through here in about an hour so I have to go to a quick clean.. ARG!