Yeah I am full of it at the moment...creative, nervous energy that is. The cats had me up at 7:30 demanding food. I guess a child won't be much different then that. I don't mind being up so early. I have definitely found in the last year or so that I am increasingly one of those morning people. Specifically I really enjoy the days when Gil and I get up extra early and go to the gym before work. It is so much easier then trying to muster the energy in the evening. The is an added bonus here, at 7am the only people in the gym are senior citizens so I don't feel quite to compelled to compare myself or feel judged. I suppose we may have to change our routine when we finally have a child but I trust that we will eventually find equilibrium.
I am fighting the urge to clean to the extent that I feel I should, I don't want to make our house look or feel like a show home. I want to look like what it is, a home where real people live but at the same time I am worried about the strangest things. I have a bottle of wine on the counter, it is unopened. It has been there since July when Shannon was home. I have always wanted to live in a home with a wine rack, good cheese and books, it is part of my pretension, but now I feel the need to hide my wine away. I want to be myself and I want to be exactly what they want. I guess I really won't know until the social worker is here in our home. I feel so on display and I know it is a part of what we signed up for but I can't help but resent it a tiny bit. I mean if I got pregnant no one would becoming into our home to judge if we were fit to bring the child home, not unless we had already had dealings with child welfare. Anyway, mostly I am excited because I think we are getting closer. I hope fervently the the social worker sees Gil and I for the unique, wonderful, quirky couple that we are and helps us to find the child that is out there waiting for us. Some days it is hard for me to imagine there being more then just he and I because it has been just the two of us for almost 8 years, but I feel in my heart of hearts that we are meant to be a bigger family. I look at Gil and I can see that he is meant to be a father. And with all my strangeness, with all my struggles and all my experience I have no doubt that I want to be a mother, that I can pass on the amazing love my mother gave to me those first 9 years. She saved my life with that love, I don't think I would have survived all that came later if I hadn't had her. I want the chance to give that back into the universe.
Okay I am going clean just a little more... nothing obsessive or anything I swear.
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