Too Long Gone...

Hey sorry about the long absence, life in Meggyland has been nothing short of chaos. Between Gil basically living in Toronto and trying to adjust to the new job while maintaining a social life I have just been bagged every day. I think about coming home and blogging but my energy is just gone. But tonight I feel like 10lbs of crap in a 5lb. bag and so I am just sitting here watching crap tv (downloaded) and catching up on emails, and now talking to you. Gil is in Toronto but will be home later tonight. I hate it when he is away when I am sick, I know that there is nothing he can do to make the cold go away but having him here makes me feel better. It is psychosomatic. Anyway, tonight I flake. Which gives me a chance to tell you that this past weekend I reached the height of my middle class dream. I got a deep freezer! Oh yeah baby, there is no stopping me now. I am actually really thrilled, don't let my sarcasm fool you. I genuinely feel triumphant. YAY us. Don't worry we aren't heading out for a mini-van anytime soon.
Work is great, I confess to frequent feelings of overwhelming panic but they are passing. I am so glad the guy I am replacing has been there with me holding my hand, metaphorically speaking. He is done after next week and then I have to swim in the deep end on my own and it is a bit scary to think about. I know I will get good at it eventually but my inner perfectionist can't stand that I am not great at this yet. But so far I haven't really lost it, I came really close to crying once. Just one time but I fought it.
The only issue that comes up repeatedly is a personal one, a demon I am going to have to stare down sooner or later in order to make working there a non-issue. every afternoon I work at the VG site, well at least Tuesday to Friday. I walk into that building with 1000 things on my mind, full of to do lists and notes to myself about all the things I need get done in the next 4 hours. But then there is a new thought. a thought that creeps in, stealthy, from the depth of my mind. I can't predict where or when but I know that it will come. It finds me and it grips me with stark terror and says "your mother died here. Right here, right in this very building. The last wall she saw were these ones. Her last breath was right here." So far I have stuffed it down hard and fast before it has a chance to really take hold. I stuff it down and keep counting, I stuff it down and bring someone change, I stuff it down run to the next task. But I know there is going to come a day when I try to stuff it and that compartment will be full to capacity. I am not looking forward to that day.
okay, enough heavy now. Off to feel icky in bed with some hot lemon and honey.

Update!

Okay it has been a while but in my defense I have been ungodly busy. I finished at Maxwell, THANK GOD! I feel much less like I have to censor every thing I say about that place now, so be prepared for a big long rant SOON. I have also started at the Hospitals. So far I am really liking it and although I am not all that good at my job yet I know I will be. It takes time to learn new things. I had a small crisis of faith on Friday when I was hot, tired and I could not figure out what I was doing but I got through it. I am looking forward to going back tomorrow so that is a good thing. Life is all manner of weird at the moment and I will try and touch more on that in the near future but for right now I just wanted to say that I think I made the right choice and that feels good.

wow....

I am having such a hard time concentrating today at work, knowing the end is so near. I don't want to call and talk to people. I don't want to answer the phone. My desk is all cleared out and clean, there is no real trace of me left in my veal feeding pen. I am ready to be done. I can't imagine how unbearable Monday and Tuesday will be.

Upon consulting the OED

After three days of getting up at 5:30 am here is how I feel.
beat, broken-down, burned out, collapsing, consumed, dead on one's feet, distressed, dog-tired, done for, done in, drained, drooping, droopy, drowsy, empty, enervated, exasperated, fagged, faint, fatigued, fed up, finished, flagging, haggard, irked, irritated, narcoleptic, overtaxed, overworked, petered out, played out, pooped, prostrated, run-down, sleepy, spent, stale, tuckered out, wasted, worn out.
I know I will get used to it but so far I am NOT loving it.

Day dreaming

I have a great idea for a new TV show based on a day dream I had the other day.I wish it could he an hour long drama however we all know that if it is even loosely based on my life it will be a half hour sitcom. It takes place in a hospital, which is a pretty popular setting for good shows, however based on my day dream about life will be like in my new job, the doctors and nurses will be purely secondary characters. The real stars of the show will be the rest of the hospital staff.Accountants, clerks, assistants, maintenance crew, retail staff etc.The lead actress would be a perky brunet who is funny and bright. (Think Sarah Rue on Less Then Perfect.) Each week viewers would be treated to 30 minutes of a knee slapping display of how these “little people” are the ones who truly keep the hospital running like a well oiled machine. The main character, let call her Maggie just for giggles, she would hold everyone together like glue. She would dispense wisdom and solve problems for loads of people.Nurses and Doctors would come to her for love life advice. Of course she would have a core group of friends who were always getting into scrapes or making some kind of mischief. Once and a while she would even have an encounter with a patient, with both positive and negative outcomes.
Oh yeah, I would totally watch this show!

Resetting the clock...

Okay so on of the nice perks about my current job is that Gil and I work just a few blocks from each other and fairly close our home which means that in the mornings I only have a 12 minute car ride, with my awesome hubby, which means to get to work on time I have to leave the house roughly at 8am. Yeah, I know, I am spoiled. HOWEVER my new job starts at 7am.... and is on the other side of the harbour which means I will need to be on the bus at roughly 6:15 am. Oh the inhumanity. In order to accomplish the superhuman feat I will have to be out of bed at 5:30 am. Since it seems like a terrible idea to do this on the very first day of work I have started my training schedule. Last week I started getting up at 6am and really wasn't so bad. Truth be told I even kind of liked it but I was pretty lazy about it. To step up my game as of today the alarm goes off at 5:30 and I have to do everyting that I would do in order to leave to house at 6:10. There were some glitches today. But that is good, that is part of the learning process. For example I did lay out my clothes last night but forgot to make sure I had all the pieces so I spent 5 minutes groping around in the dark bedroom looking for the bra I wanted while trying not to wake my slumbering husband. Also there is just some stuff that is going to have to get done the night before. My gym bag wasn't packed and neither was lunch. If I had to do those things today I would have been screwed or eating granola bars and skipping the gym.
On the other hand since I didn't really have to leave the house at 6:10, my dishes are washed, the laundry has been flipped and I tuned out on facebook for a while. I am pretty much ahead of the game. We shall see how I feel this evening but I am guessing it will be lights out pretty early for me.

Because people keep asking me...

Here is a little information about my new gig. The job title is Cash Balancing Clerk. I will be responsible for the daily balancing of cash, credit/debit transactions, lottery tickets, bus tickets and stamps as well as preparing bank deposits, and reporting overages and shortages for all the retail location in the hospitals. I will also order and maintain inventory (lottery tickets, stamps, and bus tickets). A few days a week I will be opening a store before the cashiers arrive. I will also be receiving inventory, making change for the cashiers, etc. As well I will assist the cashiers with any concerns or issues they may have.

It is a Monday to Friday gig, however I will start much earlier in the day then I am now. 7am!! I have been getting my body ready for this by getting up at 6am every morning. Next week I roll it back to 5:30. I will need to be on the bus at 6:15 so that will be the biggest adjustment. I will really get a lot of use out of the iPod that my brother gave me I can tell you that.

I am really excited. I am nervous but I know I can do this and do it well.

Oddly enough

Today I am full of fear and doubt. Did I make the make choice? Will I make new "work friends"?
But I do have wicked PMS so at least I know where it is coming from.

Yay!!!!!

I got the job!!!! I am feeling so good right now and I haven't even had a glass of wine! This was a real confidence boost for me. I really wasn't sure after the interview how it went but they liked me. There is something so gratifying about that. I gave my boss my two weeks notice today. She said they are sad to see me go which also makes me feel good. I grew up a lot in that job and I owe them gratitude for giving me a place to learn and grow and recognize that it was time for me to fly. I know that the change over will be weird and at first I may question the wisdom of my decision but I KNOW it is for the best. YAY!

Big Day Tomorrow!

So tomorrow is my job interview with Capital Health. I am really excited and a bit nervous. My boss gave me some good advice with getting through the interview and lots of encouragment. How cool s that? I think I am more prepared for this interview then anyone in the past, which is of course why I am nervous. I am worried my confidance is tempting fate. I can only do my best right?! Tonight I am going to bed at a decent hour. I am going to get some rest and in the morning I will get up and have some breakfast and then let the chips fall where they may.  It is a little like the wedding that way. There comes a point where you just have to go with it and it is no longer under your control. That part is the hardest for me. I really believe I can do this. I really do.

I love....

The view from my living room window....

I love...

Today my babies are being extra cute...

I love them

Wowie Zowie...

So the winds of change are blowing here and I am both excited and shit scared. I talked to my boss today and told her that I would likely be giving her my two weeks in the next few days. I was totally honest about why I was planning on leaving. That I was unhappy in the job, that the perks were no longer enough to balance out the drawbacks. I told her is was a difficult decision but I had to do what was best for me. And I have to say she was very cool about it.
Of course now I have to make sure I get this other job otherwise I will look like a total ass. But the ball is rolling now. And the only think I know for sure is that I need out of Maxwell and out of sales. I just don't have the stomach for it anymore.

What feels good...

There is a cat sleeping on my feet, she is warm and heavy and comfy. It feels like love.

How I had the best Valentines Day of my life.

I have been very lucky to have had several very lovely Valentines Days in my life. A few very romantic. A few a little strange. And some memorable for less pleasant reasons. I have had flowers from a secret admirer and a limo drive with champagne. But nothing can top the day that Gil and I had yesterday. Here is what happened. We got up, we ran some errands. we tidied the house. I tried to have a nap. He played his computer game. We made dinner and got ready to have some friends over to play board games. We snarked at each other. We watched an episode of Lost and then an episode of Hero's. Friends arrived and we played the most complicated board game of all time. We stayed up too late talking because all the snack foods and caffeine made me feel sick and awake. We fell asleep happy. Yup that's it. No flowers. No cards. No gifts. No fancy dinner at a fancy restaurant. No overture because the calendar told us to. Nope we decided that we love each other enough the other 364 days a year we didn't need to prove it to ourselves or anyone else with the stress with both feel over such events. So we did it our way and I am pleased to report that this February the 14th was a tremendous day. Yay us. Ain't love grand?

My dream

I had the most amazing dream last night. I mean really it was like nothing I have ever felt from a dream before. I know I might sound a bit nutty saying this but I am willing to be mocked when I tell you that it felt more like a prophecy or prediction. I am telling you this because the dream rocked me to my very core. I feel like something changed while I was sleeping. Okay here it was. I was holding our daughter. She was 2 or 3 years old but she was new to us. She was solid against my body. She was so beautiful. She had chin length dark brown hair and huge beautiful brown eyes. The social worker had told us we would have a tough time with her. She was still in diapers and she would not speak although they were sure that she could. She and I were walking through a crowd towards a beach/park where there was a group of friends waiting for us. She was clinging to me and I knew that she trusted me to keep her safe, I could feel it physically. I knew it as sure as I have ever known anything. She was wearing pink footie PJ's (which I admit is an odd choice for a picnic in the park/beach) and she had a pink barrette or bow in the front of her hair. I was carrying her and I was so happy. I was pointing to our friends and naming them for her "There is Auntie Aimee and Uncle John." She soaks that in. "There is Uncle Mike" she soaks that in. And then I point to Gil and ask "Who's that?" and her face split into a wide smile and she and she exclaims "Daddy!" and I was felt happieness I never even dreamed of. Then I woke up. But I am telling you there is something to that dream. I just know it.

Weepy day...

Of the my many things that made me cry today, this was one of them.

okay I am really excited about the prospect of change. At the moment it is no more then a fantasy but this week I am going to try and fix that. I heard about a job locally that is basically my dream job. I don't even know if they are in a hiring cycle but I am going to convince them that they need me. I am so jazzed up. I have a gut feeling about this. I really do.

I just don't have the words.

It is never easy to hear about crimes committed against children, never. But there is something about the Karissa Boudreau case that strikes even closer to my heart. Maybe it is the short distance between our two communities. So close in fact that the woman who stole her life is housed in a building I drive past on my way to and from work every day. Perhaps it is because I know how cold and wet and dark a Nova Scotian winter is and I can't imagine worse place to die then laying on that cold ground. Perhaps it is because I wanted desperately for the gnawing suspicion that her mother was involved to be wrong.
If my suspicion was correct I needed for it at least to be a terrible accident. A fight between a stressed out, ineffective parent and a saucy preteen that escalated into a physical altercation, maybe a shove that led to a blow to the head and then blind panic. It would still be horrible, it would still be unthinkable that she staged such an elaborate lie, perpetrated such a fraud. But there is a hint of something you can almost wrap your head around. A mistake can happen so easily, situations can spiral out of control. That is what my heart wanted to believe. However today's revelation of what actually transpired is so much worse then I ever could have imagined. I am literally sick to my stomach reading the details of how this woman stole the life of her own child.

Like ships to sea I dip my spoon away from me...and other lessons from Mom

My mother was a dear. She was so funny and quirky and today I thought I would share some tidbits about her ('cause I am miss her, can you tell?)
When she ate toast she would not butter the whole piece, she would break off a piece at a time, butter it and then eat it.
She was totally addicted to Pepsi, she would drink a glass at breakfast.
She loved animals and we always had some kind of pet in the house.
There was a point in time when her love of animals did not extend to rodents. One year my brothers had to bring home mice or rats for the weekend (they were teaching them to go through a maze) and my mom FLIPPED OUT. That was Friday after school. By Sunday evening she was talking to them in a baby voice and did not want to send them back to the school.
She was very good at both knitting and sewing, neither a skill I inherited.
She smoked Export A green death right up 'til she got cancer. Then she stopped.
My mother loved the word fuck, no kidding, she loved it. She didn't use it a lot in front of me but I know she enjoyed the heck out of it.
She was was no kind of cook, sorry but it is true. Someone once gave her a recipe for boiling water. I am working hard to prove that cooking ability is not genetic.
For a woman who didn't cook she had an unholy amount of recipes. I know where I get THAT from.