Questions and Answers

So I was reading the blog of another prospective adoptive mom in the states and she had this list of questions. She referred to them as the 19 infamous questions so I have decided that I should try and answer them here.

1. Describe your personality? Quirky, introspective, kind, impatient inquisitive
   
2. Describe your spouse’s personality? Funny, warm, extremely smart, awkward, solitary, passionate
   
3. What are your strengths? I think I am very good with people, I try very hard to be kind and compassionate and I am a nurturer.
   
4. What are your limitations? I have difficulty with change, I really need a stable routine or I get very out of sorts. Also I can be a very selfish person.
   
5. What do you feel are the strong points in your marriage? Our relationship is built on a very, very strong friendship. That often carries the day.
   
6. What do you feel are the areas for further growth in your marriage? We could always communicate better, I think we take for granted sometimes that the other person will know what is going on, what the plan is, or what we really mean.
   
7. How do you resolve conflict in your marriage? We talk about our problems. Some times it takes a while but not usually. Most often one or both of us need something to eat or some sleep, once that is done the talking comes easier. Also we both compromise when we need to.
   
8. What are your interests as an individual? Reading, exploring crafts although I am not really crafty, lately cooking. Spending time with my friends.
   
9. What are your interests as a couple? Gaming, traveling, food, books, movies, spending time with our friends.
   
10. What are your attributes that you feel best contribute toward your ability to parent? On one hand my nurturing nature and compassion. On the other hand my ability to be fun and silly.
    
11. Who/What has been the strongest influence in your life to date? My mother, both my brothers, Susan K, my time in care.
    
12. What do you regard as your greatest personal achievement to date? I feel like it was a big achievement to make it through care with a sense of pride, a sense of humour and with a heart full of compassion.
    
13. What three things would you most like to be said about you if you died today? She was a good wife, she was a good friend, she will not be forgotten.
    
14. What are your needs as a person? Which ones are satisfied within your family, your work, in recreational activities, in other ways? My goodness, this is a loaded question. Okay well of course I have my very basic needs, beyond those I need to feel like a productive member of my community and a contributor to my family. I don't love my job but it pays me every two weeks like clock work which allows me to pay some bills which really makes me feel good as a person. I need to be in contact with my friends. At the moment that is easy to do with weekly get-togethers for geeking or crafting or drinking coffee. I imagine that gets harder when you have children. I need to feel valued a person. Gil is the main (though not exclusive) source of satisfaction here. Gil makes me feel like a good person.
    
15. In what ways would you find satisfaction and fulfillment if you never had children? Of course I have thought about this. What if it never happens for us? In many ways I am sure life would be easier. We would travel and read and sleep in on Saturdays. We would have lunches with friends and I would quit my job and go back to school in a heart beat. I would work on the book I have always wanted to write. We would invest our lives and money on our house and friends and family and each other. Our life would have meaning (as it does now), but I don't think I would ever be 100% satisfied.
    
16. What are your most important values? Love, family,trust, honesty, independence, humour, loyalty and friendship
    
17. What are your expectations for your child? I expect that it won't always be easy, that we will have struggles but that at the end of the day love will win.
    
18. What goals do you wish your child to achieve? It is hard to discuss goals for a hypothetical child. Lots of course will depend on the the individual. I want my child to always try. She or he doesn't have to always succeed, lord knows I don't. But I hope they try.
19. What are your thoughts on the following:

• Parenting - The hardest job a person will ever do. There is no rule book and more people should ask for help when they feel like they don't know what they are doing. Also the most rewarding experience a person can have.
  
• Discipline - not punishment. Like being good at a sport or instrument or video game takes discipline, practice, coaching.
  
• Love - is the most important thing in the world and people need to stop hoarding it and start spreading it around. It is a verb not a noun. It takes dedication and discipline
  
• Positive Self-Image - This is so important. There is a lot of talk about the need for young ladies to have a positive self image and they do but so do young men. Feeling confidant to make good decisions, to partake in the world, to love ones self. This is what I want for my children, myself, the world.
  
• Negative Self-Image - Is a learned behavior. Messages picked up around people whether they are overt or not dictate how we feel about ourselves. You can't talk about how fat you are and how you need to go on a diet and then tell your kid to love their body just as it is. You can't ignore a person and expect them to feel worthy. With adopted children you can't speak ill of their biological parents and expect them not to be impacted by that.
  
• Adoption - Clearly I am pro-adoption and I think that is a wonderful way to form a family but it is not without it's complexities and issues. It is NOT the same as having a biological child and saying so negates the adopted child's experience.
  
• Biological Parents - I admit I have some reservations here. But in talking and reading over the past few months I have really begun to feel differently on the subject. I was afraid at first that our child would be confused about the roles of the biological parent vs us. I was worried that the biological parents or family might meddle in out life. I won't lie, I was worried that my kid might not love me as much if I had to share him or her with another mother. But I have been doing so much reading of birth mom blogs, and blogs of family with open adoptions. Plus I have talked to a few women I know who are birth moms and it has been very enlightening. I still have worries but I think that in the long run contact with the birth family is what is best for my child and THAT is the most important thing.