More thoughts

How do I spell happiness? H.O.M.E. I know, I know, it’s all I talk about these days but I am just so unimaginably content. I love doing everything in our house, our home. I love doing the dishes. I love doing the laundry. The other night I was up at 3am cleaning up after my violently ill husband and it was so oddly satisfying. Not that I was happy he was sick of course, but I didn’t mind at all the clean up process. I don’t know if it will last or not but for now I have a deep desire to take really good care of this home of ours. It’s not like I am exactly being a clean freak or anything, although truth be told I have been tidier, it is deeper then that. It’s like for the first time I really care about my surrounding. I always thought I did care, but this is different. I don’t feel like I explaining myself very well but that’s okay you get the general idea.

I am not completely anxiety free mind you. Gil’s recent bout of stomach flu/ food poisoning re-sparked my “Gil’s going to die and leave me all alone” anxiety. This of course has been much more acute since Michelle lost Kevin, more often then not I can keep it in check but seeing him so sick really broke me. I wonder if I am strong enough to deal with a serious illness. I would like to think I am but I have a great fear that I would freeze like a deer in headlights. I love my husband more then anything or anyone in the world and I can’t imagine anything worse then something bad happening to him. My problem is that I spend too much time doing just that. I know it is an irrational fear (as most fears are) and he is the picture of health. I know he will likely live a long healthy life. But that is probably what Michelle thought too.

There are also days where I find another thought creeping into my mind. Gil and I will be making big plans or doing something spontaneous and I feel so happy and so complete and I think…”Maybe we shouldn’t have kids. Maybe we would be happier just the two of us.” A totally crazy thought I know as we have tried so hard to have a baby and started the process to adopt. I am not sure where the thought comes from. I have wanted to be a parent so long but now I find myself questioning my motives. I have wanted to be a mother forever. I love kids. But I find my patience for certain child related things growing shorter. I love the life I have with my husband and wonder from time to time if it isn’t enough with just the two of us, maybe even easier. Or maybe I am just trying to get my mind used to the idea that there may never be a child in our family. Filling out adoption paper is certainly no guarantee that we will one day have a child of our own. I want to make sure we are doing all this for the right reasons. I am sure that Gil is, but I need to make sure that I am. This is one of the reasons we are also considering respite care.

Respite. Synonyms include breather, break, relief, reprieve

I can’t count the number of times I have heard “So&So adopted and then boom they got pregnant right away!” I am tired of those stories. They are even worse for me than the “I just stopped trying and boom I was pregnant!” stories. We are not looking to use adoption as a fertility treatment. When I made that first call to Community Services on January 14^th I was not thinking “hey if I do this then maybe I will finally get pregnant with my own baby.” I was thinking “It is more important to me that we are PARENTS then it is for me to give birth.” And I still feel the same way. When we started the adoption process we were still doing the fertility treatments, I considered this to be a kind of concurrent planning, it made sense at the time, but it didn’t last long. It didn’t take me long to pick the path that was best for me and best for our family and that path is adoption. This may not be the way I always envisioned having my family but it is not second best and I never EVER want our child to feel that way. In fact when I think about my own family and Gil’s I wonder if adoption isn’t divine providence for us. We more than most people know that families aren’t blood they are love.

Respite we are told may be a good way to get our foot in the door. It may be a good way of getting us to our end goal faster. I would be an idiot and a liar if I said that didn’t have merit, but I don’t want anyone to think that we are doing this solely as a short cut to get our own kid. We both were intrigued with the idea of respite as soon as we heard about it. We hadn’t known that such a thing was an option. I don’t think I could be a full time foster parent. I think I would get attached and then I would get hurt when the child had to leave us. I know myself too well. Maybe after we have adopted our kids and we have more emotional strength. I don’t know but in the mean time a weekend every month sounds like exactly what Gil and I should be doing. Getting our feet wet. We both love spending time with children but we could both use some practice with our parenting skills. I am hoping that this will give Gil and opportunity to be a little more hands on than he has been with the other children we have in our life and perhaps make him a little more comfortable in that regard. I on the other hand need to get used to sharing children. I have a problem with the way the system is set up and I need to get over that in order to help my future child. Also I need to learn to be more …firm; Sometimes it is okay to say no, sometimes it is okay to be the bad guy. Heck sometimes it is even for the best interest of the child to be NOT be their best friend. I have a hard time with that, I know I do. I had a hard time with Brianna for the same reasons. Sometimes I wasn’t able to say no when I should have because I wanted to be liked.

(I have been dealing with that same issue my whole life, and in a nut shell it describes the first 10 years of my dating life.)

I want my kids to like me, but not at the expense of them growing up to be little decent people so if from time to time they have to dislike me, I need to okay with that. It is part of the job.

I guess by what I have just said I do want kids. Of course I still want kids and I think that Gil does too. But it is dawning on us now how much our lives will change with a child in the picture. We, especially me, would like to think that everything will go back to normal after a period of adjustment but that is just not true. Once you have a child nothing is ever the same again. For example we are planning a trip to see Shannon and Damon and the girls for Christmas of 2010. That will not be an easy trip to take with a child. I will still DO it. But it would be easier if it were just Gil and I. When we are wandering around the house mostly naked, or hanging out in the living room with the lights off watching the lightening, when the house is so quiet on Saturday morning while I putter around and Gilly is still sleeping. When we are dreaming about the two of us driving across the country together, these are the moments when I have doubts. I guess that is normal.

House ... the story

Okay, I own a home. We own a home. It is ours. We painted walls, colours we picked!! We have a To Do list as long as all our arms combined but somehow it is not at all overwhelming. People weren’t kidding when they said I would never be in want of a project again. Every room has something that needs doing, but it’s not scary. I know somehow it will all get done, I know that the money will come from somewhere. I am starting to see that we have time and everything doesn’t have to be done right away. We can pick at stuff, get it done at our own pace. We don’t have to ask anyone but each other if we want to do something, anything. If we make a mistake we will learn from it. Already we are learning our butts off. There are lots of things to learn and lots to do and lots of fun to be had along the way. We could have bought a house that already had paint that we liked; we even saw one that looked like it came out of the pages of a Martha Stewart magazine it was lovely but it was really missing that special something, the it factor that struck something inside of us. I knew this was meant to be our house when we both were struck by “it”. The Martha Stewart was beautiful but it wasn’t ours. Our house needs a cosmetic make-over but it is going to be all us. Every room is going to reflect our personalities. If we had gone with the Martha house we wouldn’t have painted not for a long time anyway, it would have been pretty but it would not have been us. Our house is getting painted ASAP because the current décor demands it. But that means it will be “ours” sooner. I have had the chance to speak with the former home owner and he is a really lovely man. His taste in plants is impeccable however his taste in paint and wallpaper makes me question his sanity. The first room to get a make-over was the living room/sitting room. This is going to be my little haven. There will be no TV in this room. There will be no eating in this room. There will be conversations and reading. Gil took me to Leon’s and we picked out BRAND NEW furniture for this room and it was delivered this week. This is my first new sofa, chair and love seat ever. In the 14 years I have lived on my own I have ALWAYS had hand me down furniture. And I am okay with that; that is how it goes. I don’t mind second hand furniture; in fact sometimes I prefer it. I love my second hand dinning room set from Frank & Lee. I love that the furniture for our kids room comes from Sara & Jan, that it has years of love and experience. But there is something about that new living room furniture that says to me “you’ve come a long way baby!” There were lots of moments in the past 20 odd years that I thought I would never be here, lots of moments where I was only running on faith, and more then a few moments when I was only running on the fumes of faith.

Where I am right now is basically where I have always wanted to be. The picture isn’t exactly as I had in my head but I am happier then I ever imagined.

I don’t always act like I am happy. I know I can be quite a sad sack sometimes. I often am able to find something to gripe about. That is me. It is part of my charm. I really am very happy with my life. There is so much good in my world. . I slag my husband when he annoys me but the truth of the matter is I have found the most amazing man in the world and he cares so much about me it is heart wrenching. I found love in a world where there is just not enough of that commodity. I complain about my job but at least I have one. I get a regular pay cheque and am able to contribute to my family and household. I bitch about the price of gas these days but I have a car the shuttles my fat ass around and I don’t have to sleep in it because I also have a great roof over my head, and now I own that roof. I have never owned a roof before. I know there will be moments of stress. I know there will be moments I feel overwhelmed. I just have to learn to breathe through those moments.

We are all moved and there is no rush now.

I think one of the things I liked the most about this move was that I did not have to do any of the actual physical moving. They did all the work that makes me cringe. This is the first time we have done this. It made me VERY happy.

Now I am dying to make this house “our home”. I want to actually get in the garden and plant all then lovely things I have been craving; Dahlias. Rudibeckia. Carpathian bells. Sunflowers. Lavender. Delphiniums. Hollyhocks. I am ripping out all but the one Bride’s Wreath Spirea. I can’t help it, I don’t know why it irritates me so much but Spirea gets on my last nerve. So that will leave me a pretty good sized space for some more colourful perennials. Depending on how far around the back of the house we wrap the deck I might also have a nice spot for veggies. As for annuals, well I have my window boxes which will remain naked this year. I am also going to do boxes and pots around the deck and on the front porch, but I don’t think I am going to do any beds. Also I am turning the bank from the yard to the flower beds into one big “wild” perennial bed. I say wild because there will be no good, convenient way to get in and weed so it is going to be a lot of ground cover and self maintaining plants. Oh I am all tingly just thinking about it.

I keep waiting for the “post event blues” to set it but so far so good. Maybe it is because there is still so much to look forward to. Last night I mowed the lawn for the first time. It was actually HELLA hard work. I have new respect for all the people who keep such immaculate lawns. Mine doesn’t look that great but it will with practice. I think that was only the second time in my life I have ever mowed a lawn. I never had to as a kid because of my hay fever.

Anyway I guess I have gone a little off topic. I am happy. Life is good. This is what I have always dreamed of.

We own a house!!!!
I have been so busy I haven't had a chance to give any good updates here. But there will be more soon I swear.

Megs

Family

Waiting to adopt is a bit like being pregnant but without a due date and with no strange cravings. Also I can’t blame my weight gain on “eating for two”. There is all the excitement, all the anticipation and all the fear. Lot’s of fear. I know I want to be a mother, I know I want to parent with Gil. But I know that our lives are going to change in ways I can’t even being to imagine. We have a pretty great thing going on right now, just the two of us. We live on the go, but when we want to hibernate we can do that too. We see our friend’s lots. We eat out at good restaurants on a regular basis. We have a rhythm that feels good. Now we are going to try and incorporate someone else into our merry band and hope like hell that we can find our way. There are things I KNOW we will have to change or give up all together. I am okay. It also dawned on Gil recently too. However there are aspects of our life I want very much to retain. I don’t want to be one of those parents who never sees her friends again. And I don’t just mean play dates. I mean I want to spend time with my girls.

We are not going to have a new born and in some ways I think that could be a good thing. There are aspects of dealing with a new born that don’t thrill me. Maybe they would if I had a baby, maybe I would learn to love the sleep deprivation, but I doubt it. I am a monster without enough sleep. I know I will be missing out on valuable bonding time. I know that there will obstacles for us to overcome with our child because he or she will have emotional baggage from being in care. Maybe if I am not totally exhausted from sleep deprivation I will be able to help our new child with his or her issues. No small part of me wonders if I am cut out for parenting a new born or infant. The total lack of sleep, the teething, crazy schedule, and fear of SIDS, all of those gives me the willies. These were the things about being a parent that scared the shit out of me and it seems like I won’t have to deal with them. But I won’t lie. There are things that still make me feel so sad when I think about not doing them. Smelling my babies hair after I give her a bath, teaching him to walk, hearing her first words, breast feeding *big ache in my heart for that one*

There at so many positives and negative no matter how we become a family but the truth is inescapable, we want to be a family. We are going to be good parents. And I would MUCH rather work through the complexities of adoption than to continue on the assisted fertility path. I am sure there are people for whom assisted fertility is the right option. I have girl friends that went through with it for much longer then I did. Some of them had babies and some of them didn’t. For me it felt wrong from the beginning. I hated the way the meds made me feel. I hated it. No fooling. I hated the way our life came to revolve around what day of my cycle we were on. I felt overwhelmed and instead of feeling closer to Gil I felt a distance creeping in. Adoption we are going through together, infertility felt like a burden I was carrying all on my own despite the fact that he was with me. I wish I could explain my feelings better. I know I didn’t give the clomid as much time as people typically do. I know that getting pregnant takes time. But it shouldn’t be like work. It should never take the fun out of sex, or out of life for that matter. I don’t want a child that badly. I would rather be alone with Gil until the ends of days then to have a baby but have my marriage suffer as a result. I will love what ever child we have no matter how that child comes to us but my first priority is to my husband, to my marriage. That is the commitment I have already made. Gil is real and he is here he needs me more then a hypothetical child. Maybe that will change when the child is real. Gil is my partner and my best friend. He takes care of me all the time and he does it SO well. We are a wonderful team. I will miss some of the alone time we share when our family expands but I know he is always going to be there right beside me. I can’t wait to see him as a father. He is going to Rock My Socks! We are going to be a lucky family to have each other, all of us. Plus we have this amazing extended family. His parents are amazing and are just going to love any “beach bum” we have. His father is going teach her how to clam and take him out on the boat. His mother is going to paint with her and do crafts with him. I am feeling all smushy now. End of story for the moment.

Work

I don’t talk about my work much for two reasons (1) I know at least one of my co-workers have been known to read my blog from time to time (2) there usually isn’t that much to say. My job is boring. That’s it. It bores me, some days, to tears. I say the same lines of dialogue over and over and over and over. I make the same calls. I crack the same jokes with my co-workers. I listen to the same complaints.

I took this job for a reason. A few reasons actually. First off, well I was unemployed. Let’s face it, I need to work. Left at home on my own I go a little nutty. Second, it is not retail. Amen Amen Amen. I apologize to friends who may still be stuck in retail hell but I GOT OUT!!! After 2+ years at Zeller’s and a year at Frame Plus before that PLUS three summers in the Garden Center I was pretty much ready to commit homicide if I stayed one more second in retail. I was so tired of being treated like garbage, like LESS then garbage. For the last 6 months I was at Zeller’s I said to Gil every day “Don’t be surprised if today is the day I quite.” And every day I meant it. It was bad enough that the general public treated me like less then human because I work in the service industry. I am very good at my job. I excel at customer service. It is my curse; I rock at being a people pleaser. This does not make me a lesser being. But the worse thing was that I wasn’t valued by my employer. Talk about feeling worthless. Maxwell may be the most boring job I have ever done but at least I know that my management team ALWAYS has my back. The very few times a client has gone over my head to speak to my manager he has always stood by my decision. ALWAYS. Today I heard him tell someone “Well you have already had this conversation with Meghan and nothing has changed.” How cool is that. At Zeller’s they would come down on us so hard about the stupidest things, things that were so out of our control. Then when you needed them to support you they would stab you right in the back. Anytime a customer asked to speak to a manager I cringed because I knew it was game over, I knew I would end up looking like I was the incompetent one. I would stand there and tell the customer what I had been “coached” to say by management and then when the belligerent customer asks to speak with my manager they would swoop in and totally undermine me right in front of the customer giving in to what ever crazy demand was being made and pooh poohing me like am some unhelpful wretch rather then a cog in a totally fucked up wheel! Let me tell you folks something, you want to return some and get cash (or good as) in return? Take it to Zeller’s and when the girl at the customer service desk tell you no you just rant and rave and demand to talk to a manager because they will take ANYTHING back, without a receipt. Got dirty underwear you would rather return than launder? How about something that actually has WALMART written on it? How about an open box of tampons with several missing? People I am not making this shit up. These are but a few examples of things that I ACTUALLY saw, with my eyes. The 18 year old manning the counter was smart enough to say no but the manager who is going to make the biggest stink about profit margins being low is going to say “SURE! Just bring me all your garbage!”

I know I am digressing from my original intent but let me tell you another tale about retail hell. Let me tell you about COFFEE MAKER MAN. Friends will no doubt have heard this lurid tale already but I am going to tell it again.

It was Christmas season and the dreaded Midnight Madness was upon us. You may or may not know that I am pretty much a pumpkin; without an excessive amount of stimulants I am pretty much lights out at the stroke of midnight so Midnight Madness is a special kind of hell for me. Worse still while the rest of the mall takes it as an opportunity to have a Tax Free event Zeller’s (HBC) are WAY to cheap to participate in such an event. This always makes customers happy. So there I am at 11:30pm, just trying my best to stay awake and watching the crazies who are out shopping at this hour. A word of advice for some of you people, your toddler DOES NOT CARE about Midnight Madness and it is CRUEL to drag them out of the house at that hour. DO NOT YELL AT THEM FOR CRYING!! THEY ARE FUCKING TIRED!!!!!! Okay that said…. I was walking around looking for people to help when I came upon Mr. & Mrs. Coffee Maker. They were looking at coffee makers. I assumed they were looking for a gift but I was wrong, they were out at 11:30pm shopping for a new coffee maker for themselves, oh well who am I to judge at least they didn’t have a kid with them. I show them the model they seem drawn to and then we get into the haggling portion of the evening. I am thinking of telling him he is in MicMac Mall not a Turkish Bizarre but I know this isn’t going to help the situation. I remain calm, and tell him wearily that there is nothing wrong with the coffee maker, the price is the price. He grumbles a bit but then says “oh well at least we don’t have to pay the tax.” *sigh* Can you see where this is going? I am then left to explain in as nice a way as possible that the company I work for are greedy bastards who don’t believe in Tax Free. So there I am 11:35pm. Bone F’ing tired. Looking at this idiot who probably hasn’t had a coffee today and what does Mr. Coffee Maker do? HE THREW IT AT ME!!! I wish I were kidding. Sadly I am not. He threw a coffee maker at me. I must have given him one hell of a look because Mrs. Coffee Maker grabs her dear hubby by the hand and they book it! I am standing there, standing at the coffee maker laying in the aisle and said “fuck this. I am not paid enough for this. I am done for the night.” I sported a very interesting bruise for the next few days in a place only Gil would see.

And that people is why I hate retail!

My Girls!

No I don’t mean my boobs, despite the fact that I sometimes call them “the girls”. Nope I mean my girls. My support team, posse, my gang.

When I was growing up I almost always had boy best friends. I didn’t like other girls very much. They were either too prissy or too weird. Truth be told I didn’t feel comfortable around other girls, even then I was judging myself by someone else’s yard stick and I always found myself coming up short. With the boys I could be me; dirty nails, stringy hair and all. Then as a teenager I lived with 5-9 other teenage girl at any given time. If you want to learn something about the insanity of the female psyche I recommend trying this sometime. Needless to say I had it up to my eye balls with women and girls and though I had developed a few good girl friends I never felt wrapped in the warm embrace of sisterhood. In my early 20’s I retained a few of those girlfriends from high school and made a few more in university however for the most part other women my age were merely competition in the great sport that is man hunting. However as I have grown up (the late 20’s and entering my 30’s) and settled down I am astonished to find myself surrounded by amazing, smart, funny and beautiful women.

The other night I went to see the Sex & The City movie with one of these women. She is currently going through some very serious marital problems; we thought Sex would be a feel-good-pick-me-up-distraction for her. If you haven’t seen the movie I won’t spoil it for you but let’s face facts, it wouldn’t be Sex if there were not some relationship pitfalls to overcome. Our “feel good” movie turned into an intimate event for the two of us as we both watch as scenes from her ailing marriage played out on the screen before us. It was shocking. While she was left with her head reeling a little, I left with was a sense that my friend and I had delved even deeper into an already splendid friendship. For the duration of the movie there was only the two of us in that theatre, crying, laughing, making sure that the fiction was not too much for either of us to bear.

The movie celebrates that certain something about girlfriends that is so magnificent and crucial. There aren’t a lot of models of this out there. Women are taught to view each other critically and often with deep mistrust. I know I have been guilty of this myself. There are certain women who I don’t like because they have given me a reason to dislike them and then there are woman who I loath and I can’t tell you why. I know it doesn’t make any sense. I feel protective of my friends around them, of my male friends, or my brother (who no girl is good enough to date, of course) and of my husband (one woman in particular gets my dander going when she is around Gil and I thought that I wasn’t a jealous girl!)

I am trying to get past this as it is essentially misogynistic and I believe I am getting better.

However when I look at my really close girlfriends none of the make me feel on edge or over protective of my husband and some of them I would REALLY like to introduce to my guy friends. They are a fairly diverse group of women. They come in a range of shapes, colours and ages. They aren’t women who always agree with me no matter what I say. We don’t all share a taste in music or movies. Some are married, some have children, some have high paying jobs and some are just scraping by. What they have in common is Strength of Character. Kindness. Generosity. Inner Beauty. Respect. Compassion. Humour. Honour. Courage. They are women who give of themselves because they genuinely care about their friends and family. They are women who will sit in the doctor’s office with you even though you are a pukey mess. They are women who will let you come to their house at the crack of dawn to have a shower because your own is not working. They are women who know that getting a cold face cloth is the best way to help a crying friend. They are women who will volunteer their homes for showers or wedding receptions without a second thought. They are women who will roll up their sleeves and get dirty to give you a hand. They are women who will make you smile even when you didn’t think you had a smile left.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by these women.

Well the weather is sensational, it was like 25 degrees and sunny most of the day. I love the summer. I hate being hot and sweaty and fat, but it is still better then winter.
We Richard's had a very interesting weekend! We (me, Gil and Tikka) had to spend the weekend in a hotel. Between the bathroom construction which apparently could not wait the 6 weeks until we move, and the car problems, 4pm on friday the idler pulley goes on the car, fucking GREAT, we were a mess. So at 5pm when we are supposed to be on road to the Koivu cottage for a romantic weekend for just the two of us, we were in fact sitting in the parking lot at Gil's work with a VERY overheated car, waiting for a tow and trying to find a garage that fix it quick and then a hotel room that will take a cat since the guys are already at our place starting the demolition of the bathroom. By the time we got there the cat was a MESS.
Anyway we managed to get in at the Holiday Inn and Aimee drove us all over the place, god bless her because she is an amazing friend. It took 24 hours and $300 but the car is fixed. The only thing that isn't better is the house. They are no where NEAR finished so we had to go get a shower at Sara's place yesterday and then this morning before work. I had to get up ungodly early to get our stuff together to go to have a shower. I am not doing that again tomorrow. I will just sponge bath. I truly hate early. God willing they will finish up in the next day or so.
Anyway for the most part I have had a pretty good sense of humour about the whole thing. At least Gil wasn't shipped off to Nigeria like some of his other co-workers!! And the weekend did have some highlights, I got to spend lots of time with Aimee. I watched Horton Hears a Who which made me laugh so hard stuff almost came out my nose. The beds at the Holiday Inn were really comfy and the food was shockingly good. The cat was uber well behaved. We got to spend some time with the Orlando's, and I got myself a new HOT PINK RAZR phone. too freaking cool. So the weekend was by no stretch a write off.
On the other hand the bulk of my work day today sucked. I was WaY tired from being up so ungodly early. At lunch time I was having a liter of water and about halfway through I looked in and there was a fucking SPIDER smirking at me. I was SOOOO disgusted. I am not usually all girly about bugs but I can't deal with them in my bed or near my mouth or nose. I think almost swallowing one counts as fucking icky!!! So that kinda ruined lunch, I was pretty much a big icky mess for the rest of the afternoon. Then I had the client from hell who was SOOOOO rude to me for performing my job correctly. I hate that. I am damn good at my job. As far as customer service goes I am a 5 star general. So I hate it when people treat me like dirt. Especially when they know they are in the wrong. The people I am dealing with are primarily in the service industry, they should know better, they should extend professional courtesy. when I am out and I am a consumer I am super nice to people because I KNOW what is like. I expect the same. Especially when they KNOW I am just doing my job.
Anyway I rant... It is late and this loony is getting pretty sleepy. Have a great tomorrow!

One week closer....

Well we just finished our 7th pre-adoption class. This brings us one week closer to bringing a child into our home. I am excited and scared and all of the above. Gil of course remains... difficult to read. There is SO much going on at the moment. Aimee's wedding, getting ready to move, I am really starting feel like life is coming together. It is exciting. This is what I have always wanted.

What kind of parent do I want to be?

I want to be patient

I want to our child to be a good eater

I want either Gil or I to read to our child every night

I want our child to be respectful

I want to play with our child

I want our child to play outside

I don’t want to our child to be a TV junkie

I don’t want to be a yeller

I don’t want to fight with Gil in front of our child

I don’t want our child to think that Gil and I are perfect

I want to be supportive

I want to continue to socialize with my friends

I want to eat dinner, at the table, as a family

I want our child to be involved in activities but not OVER involved

I want to be supportive

I want to be a firm disciplinarian

I want to be consistent

I want to be fair

I want to be involved in our child’s schooling

I want to teach our child to be generous

I want to teach our child to be tolerant

I want to teach our child to stand up for them self

I want to teach our child to stand up for others

I want to encourage our child to be adventurous

I want our child to know that home is always a safe place to come to no matter what

I want our child to value family

I want to write letters, cards and journals for our child

I want to instill in our child sense of tradition

I want to teach our child to have good manners

I want our child to really enjoy holidays

I want to vacation as a family

I want to sometimes go away with just Gil while our child “vacations” with family

I want to include our child’s friends in activities when possible

I want to ensure that our child spends quality one on one time with both of us separately

I don’t want to make our child fearful of the world

I want to be honest with our child about the unique circumstances of our family

I don’t want to burden our child with my problems

I want to teach our child to live “greenly”

I want our child to spend lots of time with a diverse group of our friends

I want our child to spend lots of time with their grandparents on both sides

I want to take LOTS of pictures of our child but not staged Walmart pictures

I don’t want our child to ever have to question how much I love them; even when I am not happy with them

Oh yeah!!! Good news at last!

Okay boys and girls I finally have some good news to share. As I mentioned several weeks ago I have a mass that was the cause of some concern. I have been a woman on the edge for sometime. I was really fucking scared. Yesterday we had an appointment with Doctor Lee who I could have kissed when she told me that the tumor is totally benign. It is very close to my urethra so they can't safely remove it with out some danger to the area so they are just going to leave it unless it starts to cause a problem. I am so excited, I am so happy. I am SOOOO happy! yeah!

Thoughts on Loss...

My very first memory is of my Mother walking away. I can still see her clearly, as from my Father's front window, walking determinedly down the path leading from the house. I wailed in anguish as my whole heart broke from missing her. This was not to be a permanent separation but still a potent omen of things to come. As first memories go this was catastrophic. It set in motion a truism that would follow me through most of my life; people you love leave you.

Of the millions of tiny footprints my mother left on my life her death is the deepest. It penetrates everything. The hole left behind is so vast, so immense that nothing can fill it. And emptiness is its own feeling. There were times I prayed to feel anything but that emptiness, this lead to cutting, to drugs, and to obsessive relationships.

My chest hurts merely thinking about this; there is a tightness that grips me, spreading down into my arms. That old familiar feeling; a cross between numbness and tingling and ache that screams at me to touch it. The problem is of course that a touch is not enough, it never is. A simple touch just won’t do, it doesn’t get past the numbness so touch progresses to pinch, pinch to scratch, and so on. I have trained my self to apply firm but gentle massage to my forearms at those times and eventually the feeling passes. I often wonder if I am a freak or if other former “cutters” still feel this way.

I spent a good chunk of yesterday with Michelle and it was wonderful. She is so strong and I have nothing but admiration for her. We talked, we laughed, we cried some. And talking to her made some of my own fears recess a little. I still think about what I would do if something happened to Gil way too much but in a way that has spurned us in to action. making sure we have things like life insurance and wills and making sure we know what each other wants for after they are dead. We both want to be cremated and to have our organs donated. We haven't decided on a final resting place but we have started talking about it which is important. We can't be scared to talk about these things. It is the not talking that feeds the fear. I don't want what happened to Michelle to ever happened to me but if it does I want to have things in place, fall back plans.

Our Story...

Gil and I met (we believe) in 1999 or early 2000. We met through mutual friends and quickly became friends our selves. At the time Gil was involved in a serious relationship and I was recovering from a serious on and off again relationship. Over the next two years our friendship grew until we were “best buds”. We had stuck by each other through failed relationships, major life changes, financial woes and mental health issues. When I found myself suddenly without an apartment Gil said he wouldn’t mind a roommate until I could get on my feet. In this time we got to know the best and worst of each other and we eventually came to see what was right under our noses, that as such good friends we would also make good partners. This was not a seamless transition and like most new romances we had a few hiccups at the beginning but they made us stronger and gave us lots of fodder for future laughter.

As a couple we have never not lived together which I think in many respects expedited our relationship, and within the first year we knew that we were both committed to a future and family together. Even so we felt no need to rush into marriage and waited until it really felt like the right time for both of us before venturing down that path. In the mean time we built on the great friendship that already existed to build a strong relationship; one that could survive a hurricane, a flood, living with his parents, psychotic land lords, unemployment, winter depression, sick pets, my father’s heart attack, the occasional crazy fight, both of our families, multiple moves and planning a wedding. From early on we had a mutual understanding that romantic love was nice and certainly has its place but the source of our power is our friendship. I can say very honestly that Gil is the best friend I have, likely the best friend I have ever had. When I hear something funny, when something strange happens, when I feel like the universe is bullying me it is Gil who gets the first call. When I have a difficult decision for make it is Gil whose opinion I seek. It’s Gil I want to share my experiences with, who can make me laugh no matter how glum I am, who I know will just “get” what I mean. What I really love about our friendship is how it keeps growing and changing. We are the same in lots of ways; we are both youngest children, we both grew up with fathers who had drinking problems (his recovered, mine not so much), we both moved a lot as children, we both went to SMU, and over the years our paths crossed hundreds of times without ever meeting. However for all our similarities we are VERY different from each other; our strengths and our weaknesses. Our political and religious views, our taste in music. Where he is patient and calm, I am high strung and neurotic. Where he exhibits a reserved social shyness, I can speak with anyone easily. He cooks, I burn. He could read a physics text book for fun (and understand it!) where as I have no brain for math or science. Gil is happy to stay at home and hang out and I am social butterfly always looking for my next adventure. These differences keep us both learning and growing. They have taught us the fine art of comprise; when to give a little, when to give a lot and when to dig in our heels and not give at all. Because we both have very different interests we can go away and do our own thing but always enjoy coming back to each other to share our experiences; we even included that in our wedding vows. It is very important to both of that our sense of individuality remains intact, that in blending our lives we didn’t blend our personalities. This has been especially important to me as I have learned so much about myself, about my capabilities, I learned that I can be comfortable on my own, doing my own thing and that I don’t need Gil to take care of me but it is okay to like it when he does.

Gil and I don’t always get along; sometime we get on each others nerves. We don’t always agree with each other; some things we will never agree on. Some days we don’t even like each other all that much; those days are few and far between. This is okay with us. We don’t have to be perfect all the time. People bug each other from time to time, it happens. You can’t live with a person, socialize with a person, and carpool with a person without periodically bumping heads. Some things are easily resolved, whose turn it is to clean the litter box (mine!), who left the toilet seat up (him!). Other issues will plague us all the days of our lives; who leaves “sock bombs” all over the house (me!) or who stayed up way too late playing video games (him!). It is not just the problems that test the marriage it is how you deal with them. I have learned that I am never going to get Gil to sit down and spill out all his emotions to me. He has learned that I will never stop doing that. I have learned that if I want an answer to a question I should just ask outright, Gil doesn’t get it when I beat around the bush and he doesn’t like it when I am coy. Gil has learned that sometimes I have problems expressing myself verbally and I get frustrated so he needs to be patient. But we haven’t come up against a problem in the last six years that we could not find our way past. As I said sometimes we compromise and other times we dig in but always with the preservation of our relationship in mind. I once told a friend that I put as much or more work into maintaining my relationship as I do my job and her response was that a relationship shouldn’t be work. I can see where she is coming from but she is wrong. Relationships are not self maintaining. They are like gardens. They look beautiful when they start but if you neglect them weeds take over and choke off all your beautiful plants. Gardens need to be tended to, weeds need to be pulled, plants fertilized and watered and if you come from my school of thought sung and talked to. Relationships need all those things too. There is no magic relationship fairy who comes along and waves along and fixes everything. Everyday I try and make sure Gil knows how much I love him. Everyday I try and make sure he knows how much I appreciate everything he does for our family. Everyday I try and remember why I married him in the first place and build on that. Some days I fail at those goals. Some days I bet he wonders why he married me in the first place. But the point is everyday I try... and I know he does too.

and I guess that's all I have to say about that.

I WIN!!

Not that I am gloating because I wouldn't do that because how immature would that be? But I WIN, I WIN, I WIN!!! A stood up to her Mother and I am her Maid of Honor. I am proud of her. As I said it was NEVER about me wanting to be the Maid. It was about .... about.... about the fact that woman was mean to me and I didn't deserve it. yeah so there....

Saturday morning bliss...

The house is a little too cold for my liking, I turned the heat off too early again this year, I was fooled by spring again. Those two weeks of warmth and sunshine lulled me into a false sense of security, I forgot the basics, I live in Nova Scotia. However the hot tea is helping to warm my hands and my innards. My feet are warming in the knitted slippers and I have stolen the "brother sweater" from Gil's side of the closet and I am wearing it like a hug. I am not always a practical dresser but with age I am learning the subtle art of layering, of not turning up the heat because I am cold. This house has taught me much about warmth. At the moment it is teaching me about silence, how there is no such thing. The hum of the computer, the trickle of the cats water fountain, the keys clicking beneath my fingers. And yet there is such stillness while the cat and the husband sleep, huddled beneath the covers together, sharing their body heat. I wish it could be like this every morning. Mornings like this my fears are squished back into the very back of my mind, everything seems safe and steady. Time is not flying past me at speeds I can't manage. Up early in the gray light of dawn I snuck out with my girls to the market where I enjoyed hot coffee, warm cinnamon buns, and the therapeutic company of girl friends. I came home with a bag laden with breads and cheese and meat and a pervasive feeling of calm, the house still quiet and dark. While I know there are errands to be run today I am certainly in no hurry to break this reverie.

More thoughts!

I saw Michelle yesterday. I held her while she cried. I listened to her anger. I watched her hold it together and be a parent. I watched her breath, blink and exist. And I wonder how the hell she does it? How does she pick herself off the floor? How does she draw that next breath? How does she look in the eyes of her children and not die of a broken heart. Where does she find the strength? Does she hate God because the sun came up today? Because people went and got groceries and walked their kids to school, kissed their husbands good morning and now good night. Because I would die, I would go super nova. I am so sad for her and i have so much respect for her. Friday is going to be such a hard day.

Terrible Day...

I don't even know where to start. I was feeling pretty good today. The sun was shinning and everything was great. Gil and I had breakfast together before we went to work. It was a good day. Then Gil called. He had a call at work from my friends Michelle's mom. It seems that some time last night her husbands car went off the road and he was killed. The news is reporting that alcohol may have been a factor. I don't know if I believe that. What I do know is that Michelle is the same age as me. She has two young children. She is a widow. A widow. How the fuck is that possible? I feel like my faith in marriage not my marriage mind but as a whole. So many people I know are struggling in their relationships. Three couples who were married around the same time Gil and I are separated and or getting a divorce. It hasn't even been TWO years. And now Kevin is dead. and that could happen to anyone. I have been having a huge amount death anxiety since I found my lump but it has been about me. My fears. I know we all are all going to die someday but it scared the shit out of me. I don't know what I would do if I were Michelle. If something happened to Gil I would be shattered. And now I am afraid. I don't want to become one of those people is so afraid they stop living. I don't want that for myself or my family.
I want to be alive in every sense. And I want to be a good friend to Michelle when she needs me. Sometimes I get this whole deer in the headlights going on in times of need. It is a failing of mine as a friend. It has happened more then once and it is not something I like about myself. I would like very much to change that part of me.

And thus it begins...

I know that it is three months until we move but packing started today. It doesn't seem possible that we have been here two and half years. It feels like I was just packing to move here. Of course then I only had three WEEKS to pack. I was SO stressed I thought I was going to explode. I hope that does not happen this time. It is very hard to have all your stuff in boxes and have boxes piled up all around. I love being in a new place, especially this time knowing that is OUR home, but I hate all the hoopla that goes with it. I am also starting to purge, to throw out things that we no longer need, things we need not hold on to, things that are a bigger pain to move then they are worth. We got rid of the big TV that hardly ever works. We also got rid of the 5 disc CD changer that we never even plugged in.
I want to get rid of more stuff but some of it is hard to part with even though it is just weighing me down. I am thinking about taking some of my old journals up to New Brunswick and throwing them in a bonfire. I don't really need them anymore. I used to think I wanted to keep them because I wanted my children to know all about me. But as I get older, as I look back on that me who was so fucked up, who was so lonely and so hurt and so full of rage and I think I don't want my children to know her. I want them to know more about me then I know about my own mother but I want it to be passed through the mom filter first. They don't need to know all the gory details. And I don't have to be be burdened with the memories they contain. What is in there that can help me now, that can make me a better wife, a better mother? No. Plain and simple. There is nothing there that can bring me happiness so when not watch it all burn which frankly will give me great pleasure. I love watching things burn! I think I will also burn the court transcripts and everything related to that and maybe some old letters too. We'll make an event of it. Let this whole thing be a fresh start.

Stuff...

So there has been no resolution about the whole wedding situation but I don't really want to talk about that, it is still to painful and there is so much more going on in my life at the moment.
For example Gil and I bought a house!!! YAY!!!


I am so excited. We don't move until July but I am loving it so much. I have so many plans and dreams. There is so much to do and I look forward to having some time to get things together rather then rush we had last time.
There was a week or so when things were SUPER stressful but over all it has been fun and much easier then planning a wedding. this is going to be the house we call home, where we raise our children, where we grow old together. This is our Home. We are the Richard's of Hilltop Terrace.
I am going to garden and get a dog and paint and dance around.
That is of course providing that the mass I found is not cancer. Yup. I have a mass, the doctor confirmed it and I am waiting to see someone else. I am scared. I admit it. After a few days of Gil being very passive about the whole thing I finally got him to have a real conversation and he acknowledged my fears and his own and we have a plan and it is a good one. I am scared but I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. There are moments when I am consumed but fear, when I can't move or breath or call to Gil for help because my voice is gone. I don't know what scares me more the thought of dying of the thought of being seriously ill but both sound sucky. But I will keep trying to think positive. I will focus on my husband and our new house. Until I have cause not to I will keep up with the adoption prep classes. I will continue my volunteer work with Habitat for Humanity. I will look forward to all the wonderful things my life has to offer and maybe this will be a wake up call for me to simplify and prioritize things.
I am pretty tough!

Happy

Somehow I managed to get enough sleep last night that I woke up feeling refreshed (although a little panicked as I was late for an MSN date with Shannon) I made some tea, read some adoption blogs, chatted with some mates online. I woke Gilly and we went out to run some errands, which included buying me a baseball bat for protection when he is out of town on business (okay it is a little lame but it does make me feel better) and eating chili dogs. We got to have coffee at Starbuck's but Gilly came down with a headache and decided he felt too poopy to go to the Maple Syrup festival. Rather then getting all sulky I was FINE. We came home and sent him to bed for a nap (where he still is). I spent the afternoon reading and drinking coffee and feeling... you guessed it... relaxed! It happened all on it's own. How cool is that? We are spending the night geeking and I am very excited about that. I am having a great day. YAY!