Wow it is really hot in this house tonight. Talk about extremes. Today I finished my last drivers ed lesson; I got a certificate and everything. I was getting my first one roughly 18 years ago, how is that for ironic? Okay maybe not ironic, don't kill me for not fully understanding the meaning of the word, personally I blame a certain unnamed female singer with a string of hit in the late 90's.
Anyway if it's not ironic it is at least amusing. Life sure has changed a lot in 18 years. I never could have predicted the path my life would wander. If some one had told me I would be here I surely would not have believe them. At 18 I knew EXACTLY how my life was going to go. After our trip to Europe I would go to university, Paul and I would both finish up at SMU and I would likely go on the get my B.Ed at Acadia or St.FX.
We would be married within 5 years. I knew the church, the colours, the flowers and the attendants. I knew we would start a family right away. I knew the names of the children we would have.
I knew who my friends were and who would be beside me forever. Everything, my whole life, was solid and secure the way only a person so young can imagine it to be. I didn't know I was on a precipice. I had no way to wrap my head around the fact that there could be bumps in my road and some of those bumps would be so huge that they would alter the course I took forever.
Part of me wishes I could go back and give my younger self a sneak piece. A few choice bits of advice. But I worry that if I could do that I might not end up with Gil and that would be the worst thing that could happen.
The 18 year old, if she believed me at all, would be devastated. She would not believe that life could be so wonderful without all the things she'd pinned her hopes on; without the boy, without the children, without the career. She would not/could not believe that she would find a man who in every way is her match or that the boy would be married to exactly the person he should be with their children, but she might be the tiniest bit relived that at least they didn't use her names.
She could not fathom that she could feel fulfilled with a life that did not include babies, lots and lots of babies. Her plan had ALWAYS included babies, long before she settled on a father she just knew that she would some day be a mother. I want to tell her that some Saturday morning when she is laying in bed reading with a cup of tea and trying to decide on where to go for brunch she will understand better; but I know she will have to wait and see.
She simply won't swallow the fact that her job with be earth shatteringly boring, literally sitting at a desk pushing paper, she would be incensed that we aren't DOING something with our life. And I would tell her we are happy to have a job, one that we are good at, one where we are valued and treated by our boss with respect and kindness. It isn't glamorous and we certainly aren't molding the minds of tomorrow but there are worse things, we could be flipping burgers or drawing unemployment. We get satisfaction in doing our job well and that is a good thing.
I wish I could tell her many things but I don't want to change the course of history, you never know what butterfly you might step on, but on thing I think I might sneak in when I get a chance is this "don't be so afraid of everything. Learn to drive. I promise you it is harder and more frightening at 36!"
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